Bad Enough Dudes

Play by Play - Hollow Knight

Sun, 29 Mar 2026 00:00:00 -0500

Year: 2017
Platform: Nintendo Switch
Notes: I've had this so long, I can't even remember buying it.

I’m making a new rule for myself in 2026. If I finish a game, I can’t start a new one until I blog about the one I just finished. I jump into a new game right away, forget about the previous one, and don’t write about it until it appears briefly in the Top 10 games list at the end of the year. If I don’t have the capacity to blog about games as I play them, I at least need to blog about them as I finish them. Otherwise, I just play and don’t blog, and if I’m just going to play, why have the blog? Maybe I’ll be enticed to write faster, as well, ’cus man, I write real slow.

So, let’s talk about Hollow Knight while it’s fresh in my mind! I acquired this game on sale in probably 2018 or 2019, so of course I didn’t play it until 2026, in spite of insistence from numerous friends and/or Metroidvania enthusiasts. I was too cool for this standout of the genre. I’m as bad as those baseball writers who don’t vote worthy players into the Hall of Fame during their first year of eligibility because of made-up, unspoken rules exclusive to, and only cared about by, snotty baseball writers. In my case, I ignore the obvious hits from my favorite genres for years so I can play, I don’t know, anything else. Okay, I didn’t pull off that baseball analogy as smoothly as I’d hoped, but either way, it is a repeated and deeply frustrating miscalculation. I blame all the other games in existence, stay tuned for part one of my 20-part manifesto on why there are too many—oh, forget it.

Dropping into the game for the first time (and it was a heck of a drop, off a very tall cliff, apparently) and testing out my combat skills on some little caterpillar-looking things, the art style struck me immediately. The player portrays the Knight, a bright-faced insectoid protagonist set against a dark, dark landscape. On the plus side, I know I’ll probably never lose track of my character on the screen. On the other hand, I’m in for a truly gloomy adventure. Brian circa 2004-2008 would have absolutely loved Hollow Knight. I would’ve been playing this obsessively while listening to Counting Crows, in-between writing journal entries about how lonely I was and taking moody pictures of myself, probably with the Hollow Knight mask Photoshopped over my face! Hey, that doesn’t sound so bad, actually.

It's raining in the City of Tears, and probably also in Baltimore, fifteen miles east.

Anyway, it’s a melancholy experience, but it really works. The Knight sets out to explore Hallownest, a ruined subterranean kingdom. The characters in Hollow Knight are all bugs, fungus, and sentient plant creatures, so being below ground fits the living spaces these creatures occupy. Between the many caves, fungus-filled cavities, and other underground corridors the Knight traverses, I got a glimpse of civilization, or what used to be civilization, anyway: an occasional lamp post, an abandoned wagon (crafted from a snail shell or other appropriately sized apparatus for the bug world), or a sign pointing to a bench (save point), stag station (fast travel), or other locations that I couldn’t make out from the vague symbols. Sometimes, a corridor would open up into a building, a simple temple of earth and stone and shells, in some cases, or maybe something more architecturally impressive, with columns and wrought-iron rails and ivy growing all over it, drastically set apart from the rest of its surroundings. My first trip to Queen’s Station mesmerized me, a bastion of civilization for bugs in transit, nestled between the Fog Canyon in one direction and the Fungal Wastes in the other. It must have truly been a site to see in its heyday. Then I found the City of Tears, which further blew me away with its spires and elevators and glass-enclosed observation decks, set against a neverending rain, which I guess pours in from some endless source of water above ground. Minimal internet research tells me art nouveau may have inspired these designs—I only took one art history class in college and definitely don’t know my architectural styles, so don’t fail me, internet!

Forget the fight in progress, just check out that architecture.

In any case, these designs really got me thinking about ruined society and what Hallownest must have been like at its apex, bustling with trade and whatever else bugs do in an organized society. All the little details in the background of each area piqued my curiosity—what used to happen here? What was this building for? And so on. The mayor of Dirtmouth, a little hub town on the surface, just above the entrance to Hallownest, filled me in to some degree on what the world used to be like, before a mysterious infection spread through the populace and turned everyone into meandering, pustulous walking corpses. But much of what happened, and why the Knight has appeared now, is left to vague clues and our own interpretation. I looked up a few bits about Hollow Knight lore to fill in some gaps because, even though it only took me a couple of months to finish the game (much shorter than I expected, honestly), I didn’t take notes and couldn’t remember every detail or old journal or inscription that I found. It’s a rich narrative experience presented briefly in riddles, clues, and memories, never bogged down by excessive exposition or interruption in gameplay.

Do WHAT now?

Traversing Hallownest can be a dangerous thing, but there’s a joy and a fluidity to it that even some of the best Metroidvanias can’t match. The Knight acquires most of the typical movement skills of the genre—dash, double-jump, wall-jump, and so on—and they all feel really good to use after a little bit of practice. That becomes important sooner than later, as the Knight must string all of these movements together to overcome many challenging platforming sequences, full of spikes, thorns, big spiny worms, and other hazards. The downthrust of the Knight’s sword (called a nail here) can also be used to bounce off of spikes and enemies, which adds another maneuver to the Knight’s repertoire.

Speaking of bouncing off of things with the downthrust, let’s touch on combat for just a moment. Aside from the weakest, most rudimentary caterpillars and walking mushrooms in Hallownest, the adversaries lurking in the dark don’t fool around. Defeating armed, trained bug knights or the creatures from the deepest, darkest corners of the kingdom requires dodging, jumping, and surgically timed strikes. Combat is really more like a dance than a straight-up fight, and once I got the hang of it, I loved it. I loved circling foes, drawing them in, and picking them apart with the perfect combinations of dodges and strikes. Boss fights demand even more dodging and pattern recognition (and honestly a lot of deaths, in most cases), but once I figured out the patterns, entered the fights with the right charms loadout (more on that later), and put it all together, the thrill of victory justified the frustration leading up to it, for the most part.

Combat probably would have been easier if I used the spells. Yeah, there are magic spells, too, drawing on a substance called Soul that the Knight absorbs by defeating enemies, resting in a hot spring, or striking certain statues scattered throughout Hallownest. The most important spell is Focus, which heals the Knight. I used that one like pretty much every ten seconds. The rest I only remembered to use when I needed them to overcome an obstacle, not at times when they may have been useful in a fight. Sometimes these games have so many systems that I can’t remember all of them when I need them. I don’t think too quickly on my feet.

The combat was too intense for me to get a screenshot, so I ripped one from YouTube.

On that note, I did want to touch on one other system: the charms. The Knight augments its abilities by equipping charms. They can improve movement, combat, soul absorption, and more. The Knight has a limited number of notches the charms can fill, but the number of charms discovered during the adventure offer many customization options. I stuck with a couple of specific sets of charms, one combat-focused, and one exploration-focused. In combat, I liked extending the reach and quickness of my nail while negating knockback when I hit enemies. While exploring, I used everything I could to boost my speed, as well as the charm that showed my location on the map, and the one that gathered geo (money) from defeated enemies for me. Between exploring an enormous kingdom and tricky combat, the economy of movement exceeded most other needs in the game, and both of my standard loadouts focused on that. I’d experiment with new combinations to overcome certain bosses, but always ultimately returned to the ones I felt gave me the greatest edge.

So how is Hollow Knight? Well, like I mentioned above, I should have played it when I bought it and not put it off for seven years or however long. I got off to a pretty casual start, right around the beginning of the new year, playing it for a half an hour here or there. It grabbed me right away—the drip feed of vague clues, interesting NPCs (except Zote the Mighty—get outta here, dude), and my first couple of encounters with the mysterious Hornet had me interested, for sure! But, limited time prevented me from diving into Hallownest as deeply as I would have liked. I felt like I was making good progress. I’d reach a significant boss battle or cutscene, feel a surge of momentum, and figured for sure, on multiple occasions, that I must have been two-thirds or maybe even three-quarters of the way through the game. Then I’d check my inventory and see I had fewer than a quarter of the charms collected and come to my senses, realizing I still had a ways to go. Which was fine—I wanted more.

I got about twelve hours in, and things took a turn. Where I’d had pretty good success against bosses thus far, they suddenly began beating the absolute hell out of me. Previous big bads took me maybe three or four tries to ascertain patterns and defeat them. Once I acquired the Dream Nail, which allows the Knight to enter the dreams of certain characters, I encountered some bosses in the dream realm that took a dozen or more tries to dispatch. Many of the regular bosses followed suit. It felt like a fairly late difficulty spike, but at this point, I was so invested in unraveling the mystery of Hallownest that I wouldn’t allow myself to be discouraged by these difficult encounters. I’d sneak time whenever I could to make more progress, staying up late, braving the creepiest corners of the kingdom, like the Deepnest and the Royal Waterways, or making another run at the Colosseum of Fools between chores at home.

Yikes. It would be an understatement to say Hallownest got creepier the deeper I went.

After much (much) additional trial and error, I finished Hollow Knight at 85 percent completion, but I got bad ending vibes from the closing cinematic, so I knew something was wrong. I dug a little deeper and put some more missing pieces together for a better ending, albeit with much more difficulty along the way. I finished with 93 percent this time, so I still didn’t get everything, but I’m satisfied for the time being. Sometime when I’m feeling particularly sadistic, maybe I’ll go back and try the Path of Pain or the Trial of the Fool or the other insane challenges I decided to pass on for now.

My completion stats, for now. I'm pretty proud of the low hours, considering everything I've ever heard about this game. Those last percentage points I don't have are probably a nightmare, though.

So that’s Hollow Knight! A bleak adventure, for sure, but it’s an adventure with fun and solid movement and combat, great art direction, and a stellar narrative. My one regret is that I played most of the game with the sound turned pretty low, so I didn’t get to experience as much of the sound design as I would have liked. Among Metroidvanias, while it doesn’t do much that’s mechanically different from the other major successes of the genre, it excels in its story and design and presentation. I’d always heard Hollow Knight was really long, and I kind of wondered if maybe that’s what deterred me from trying it sooner—long games intimidate me at this stage of my life. Fortunately, the length didn’t detract from the experience, and between the story, exploring new areas, and the rate of acquisition of new movement tech that opened up previously unreachable areas, the pacing delivered all around, never dragging and rarely putting me in the position of feeling like I didn’t know what to do next. The accolades are all deserved. And hey, didn’t a sequel just come out? Leave it up to your ol’ pal Brian to finally pick up the original amidst the hype for a sequel. Behind the times, as always, but what’s new?

Thanks for reading, and see you next mission!

Some Screenshot Credits: MobyGames and this YouTube playthrough

My Top 7 Games of “2025”

Sun, 15 Mar 2026 00:00:00 -0500

Ah, crap, looks like it was another lean year for prospective Top 10 lists. I mustered just seven games in 2025. What is this, a slow descent into responsible adulthood? I remember last year, I only managed a top 8 list because spending a lot of time with old favorites cut into my opportunities to play new games. This year, the old favorites barely made an appearance. In fact, few games made an appearance at all. Instead, we sold our house and moved, I spent more time with my family, more time reading, and I left video games languishing outside in a sad, pixelated rain. Damp and dejected, they can only peek in through the blinds and watch while my family and I sip hot chocolate and put together jigsaw puzzles or whatever. I don’t even know what new games are coming out this year. Disgraceful. I hear the Bad Enough Dudes Corps is trying to force me into early retirement, but I’m just too bad! They’ll never get rid of me!

And, if you think a Top 7 is appalling, I made the mistake of starting 2026 with Hollow Knight, of all games, so I hope you’re looking forward to my banger of a “Top 1 Games of 2026” post next year.

Anyway, let’s take a look at this alleged Top 7! Criteria is as follows:

I beat (or played a lot of, in the case of high score chasers) the game for the first time in 2025. “Beat” simply means I saw the end of the game—it does not necessarily mean I’ve seen or done everything the game has to offer.
I didn’t repeat games that have made my Top XX lists before.

Honorable Mention: Baseball Stars (NES, 1989)

I explained in my Extra Life 2025 marathon recap that Baseball Stars rejuvenated me at a time when I was strongly considering not participating in Extra Life at all in 2025, on account of All the Things™, so I thought it only appropriate to give it an honorable mention here. I hadn’t really thought about Baseball Stars for a while, stumbled upon a baseball YouTube channel that dedicated an episode to the game, and realized it might be a good fit for a charity video game marathon on account of its team and player-creation features. What a perfect incentive to give donors a spot on our very own baseball team! Taking the time to create the team, play some exhibition games to build up our skills (both the players on the team and my skill at actually playing the game), and wipe out a bunch of computer opponents during the marathon reminded me that Baseball Stars is the best baseball game on the NES and is ranks among my favorite sports game of all time. Since the opposition all turned out to be too easy during the tournament, I want to create some more teams so I can have a very interesting tournament during the next marathon.

7. Black Widow: Recharged (Nintendo Switch, 2021)

It's a remake of a 1983 arcade twin-stick shooter about a spider protecting its web from a bunch of angry mosquitoes and other destructive insects. Shouldn’t all these bugs be getting stuck in the web? Whatever, they are the next generation of anti-web pests and therefore must be eliminated by firing gross spider mouth-bullets at them. Shoot bugs and collect the dollar-signs they drop (what's the current state of the entomological economy, anyway?) for bonus points, and if the spider collects enough, it can unleash a widely dispersed super web attack that disintegrates anything in its path. Get outta here, bugs!

I play this for about ten minutes every couple of weeks, and if I don't set a high score in that amount of time, I switch it off before rage sets in. You only get one life, so any mistake is too many. It’s a lot of fun, though. Twin-stick shooters are my thing, even though I'm no good at them. I just know my limits and when to step away.

6. G.I. Joe: Wrath of Cobra (PC, 2024)

Ah, here’s another franchise deserving of the nostalgic beat ’em up treatment. Streets of Rage 4 and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Shredder’s Revenge got this trend started. Marvel Cosmic Invasion released late last year, and I think we’re getting a Masters of the Universe game sometime this year.

Not to be forgotten in that mix is G.I. Joe: Wrath of Cobra. Craig and I played through this together, and while it’s not the most polished game in this new batch of beat ’em ups (limited combos and combat variety, not enough sound effects or music from the cartoon, and some extra-frustrating damage sponges crudding up the joint), I think we still had a pretty good time with it. You can play as a wide selection of characters (we played as Roadblock and Scarlett), it’s fun beating up Cobra goons, and the cutscenes harken back to the animated series.

I think the most fun was identifying the references to the license, most notably the types of Cobra soldiers as we laid waste to them. “Oh, these are Cobra Vipers” or “Look out! It’s the Crimson Guard!” I probably got a little too excited when the B.A.T.s debuted. There are also H.I.S.S. tanks, Trubble Bubbles, and other notable Cobra vehicles to punch and kick to death, as cartoon action stars do. The big-name Cobra personalities like Destro, Baroness, Major Bludd, and so on appear as bosses. Given that it’s G.I. Joe, even though it’s a beat ’em up, I feel like a little more gunplay would have been appropriate, and while there are plenty of gun pickups, the ammo is very limited and they generally don’t feel that much more useful than melee attacks.

I must unfortunately report that bugs dragged Wrath of Cobra down to some extent, as well. Fonts sometimes go missing in the end-of-level stats, and we sometimes took damage against certain enemies without explanation? The final battle ends if just one player loses all their lives, but the other is still alive. I wasn’t sure if that was a bug or a feature. If it’s intentional, that’s cruelty on the level of Battletoads. One time, a B.A.T. threw me across the screen and soft-locked the game, and Craig got stuck once, as well. Maybe some of these bugs are fixed by now, I don’t know. Not the best, not the worst, and the license definitely helps carry it. I’d play it again with Craig or friends, but probably not otherwise.

5. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time (SNES, 1992)

Hey! This was on the list last year! Quite true, my scrutinous peers. Alas, that was the arcade Turtles in Time--now, we examine the Super Nintendo version, which is the same, only different. Some extra levels, different bosses (Bebop and Rocksteady are back, in place of Tokka and Rahzar), and the final boss is Super Shredder instead of regular Shredder. Despite the technical limitations, the extras give this version a slight edge over the arcade original. I played this during my Extra Life marathon and barely eked out a win, but it was a lot of fun, and deserves its spot among the great beat 'em ups of its era.

4. Star Wars: Rebellion (PC, 1998)

1990s PC games have a certain effect on me. When I get an itch to play one, I have to play it. I can’t let go—the thought will consume me until I pull the game from the mothballs and give it a go. Maybe that’s why Ultima Online re-hooks me so often. It’s a 90s PC game, and ultra addictive in its own right. The original Diablo is another major culprit.

In the spring of ’25, like the Millennium Falcon getting the jump on Darth Vader, Star Wars: Rebellion came out of nowhere, blasting its way into my every conscious musing and action. I knew I would be hurtling off into space for eternity if I didn’t play it. I also started a Star Wars streak—I beat Dark Forces in 2024 and Rebellion in 2025, so I guess I’ll have to beat another Star Wars game in 2026. I have some pretty good options in the tank. Who knows, maybe I’ll get inspired and give X-Wing Alliance another whirl.

Anyway, Rebellion! Since I was able to jettison my adolescent desire to build the biggest fleet of star destroyers possible and bomb every rebel planet into pre-civilization, the game proved to be a nuanced and deeply strategic experience. I played as the Alliance this time, and once I got my system established of blockading planets, taking them by force with ground troops (rather than those unpopular orbital bombardments), and then sending in my best diplomats to sway the citizens to the rebel cause, the Empire didn’t stand a chance. At least not until the endgame, when control of Coruscant and the surrounding systems proved quite difficult to maintain. I loved building fleets and maintaining planetary defenses. Hey, even resource management held my interest once I figured out how it worked! There’s not much visible action in the game, but plenty of tension and second-guessing of every decision. Plus, all the Star Wars personalities are here: Luke, Han, Leia, the old guys from the Yavin IV base, and they’re all under your command. Maybe when you play, Han and Luke and Chewie won’t accidentally kill General Veers when you send them on a mission to capture him, but then again, maybe they will!

3. Legend of Zelda: The Minish Cap (Game Boy Advance, 2004)

Like many Zelda games that came after A Link to the Past, I played The Minish Cap about 20 years too late, missing the initial release on account of the existence of too many other video games. And, all of this in spite of the fact that Amanda has owned a copy for as long as I’ve known her. I just never played it. Luckily, The Minish Cap now conveniently resides on Nintendo Classics, and because inserting a cartridge into a Game Boy Advance was apparently too much work these last many years, I played it for the first time in 2025. Link must free Princess Zelda from petrification by the evil sorcerer Vaati, who seeks the legendary Light Force. Link gets help from a tiny race of humanoids called the Minish, and a talking enchanted hat named Ezlo that grants Link the ability to shrink down to Minish size to complete parts of his quest.

Throughout The Minish Cap, I felt strong influence from the original Legend of Zelda and the ensuing 2D games in the series, from the first appearance of the White Sword since the original game (as far as I know), to octoroks and tektites skittering around a compact world map that packed tons of things to do into a relatively small space, to an ocarina with the ability to teleport Link to a number of locations throughout Hyrule. My biggest concern was that the shrinking mechanic would feel forced and cumbersome, but it seamlessly blended with the overall experience and granted lots of fun and clever traversal puzzles, as well as opportunities to find all those precious secrets that I can’t get enough of. I’m consistently impressed by these Capcom-developed portable Zeldas—not just Minish Cap, but Oracle of Ages and Oracle of Seasons, as well. They’re fun side stories that explore non-Ganon villains and deliver fun and engaging mechanics magnificently interlaced with the core Zelda formula. And, while 3D Zeldas have grown on me over the years, I still prefer the 2D installments.

Overall, it was on the easy side, with just five mostly-linear dungeons, but the sheer amount of content and fun things to do made up for the lack of difficulty. I didn’t see and do absolutely everything—I’m still missing a lot of Kinstone matches, but the Kinstone-collecting felt like something that would probably addict me, so I didn’t allow myself to get too invested. I didn’t collect all of the little figurines in the seashell-trading game, either. There are a million of them and the trading interface is too plodding. In conclusion, I definitely should have played The Minish Cap 20 years ago, there are too many video games, stay tuned for my 20-part manifesto on how to play and enjoy like 0.0002 percent of all the video games that ever existed and not feel like you’re missing out on anything.

2. Mario Golf (Game Boy Color, 1999)

I recently blogged about my fantastic Mario Golf experience, so I won’t navel-gaze too long here. All the great things I heard about developer Camelot’s work on this game are true. Nintendo Golf games, as a rule, hold an unstoppable power over me, and I succumbed to Mario Golf as expected. The mechanics, the variety of courses, the secrets, the rivalries with club champions—so much done right here that I had no choice but to play. There’s just that Princess Peach course standing in my way. I’ll be back. Some day.

1. Super Mario Bros. Wonder (Nintendo Switch, 2023)

Oh boy. Here’s Mario again with another game near the top of these lists. If you’re keeping up, a mainline Mario game captured the number one spot in 2023 and the number two spot in 2024. I guess I just like Mario a lot. Hey, if Konami ever stepped up and released a new Castlevania (which they’re finally doing), maybe something else will usurp Mario (and, to a lesser extent, Blaster Master) at the top of these lists.

Super Mario Bros. Wonder takes the gang to the Flower Kingdom, where Bowser has touched a Wonder Flower inappropriately and somehow merged with Prince Florian’s castle, and now he’s flying around, predictably causing a bunch of trouble. I played as the blue Toad, because of course. I probably don’t even have to mention that. When Nintendo does us all a kindness by including Toad as a playable character, I am honorbound to accept. (Ugh, except when Josh picks Toad in Mario Kart.) Super Mario Bros. 2 started it, and it’s not going away. Toad rules.

I put this to you as bluntly as possible: Super Mario Bros. Wonder is weird. There are bizarre, but enthralling new enemies, like charging buffalo, these beavers that run away and throw nuts, koopa troopas on roller skates, mummies with really tall hats, singing piranha plants, and so forth. There are bizarre, but enthralling new powerups, like Elephant Mario, Bubble Mario, and Drill Mario. (Those aren’t too far off from the powerups in the Mario 3 sequel I drew on my Magna Doodle in 1992.) Every level has a Wonder Flower, which alters the level or gameplay mechanics in a bizarre and enthralling way, like making your character very tall or turning them into a goomba, or turning the level’s pipes into worms, or changing the perspective from sidescrolling to overhead.

At first, I wasn’t into this. I appreciated the new enemies, but I dodged the new powerups in favor of the more traditional fire flower, and I made lots of low-key-intentional attempts to miss the Wonder Flowers in each level because I just wanted to play the levels and ignore the gimmicks. Eventually, I allowed myself to embrace the weirdness and originality of this game, especially when I realized I would be missing a lot of collectibles if I didn’t. In time, the elephant power-up became my favorite of the game, and not just because slapping a goomba with the elephant’s trunk sends them flying off the screen, which made me laugh out loud on more than one occasion. Once I accepted the Wonder Flowers, I found that I actively sought them out so I could experience what crazy thing they would do next.

Super Mario Bros. Wonder drips with creativity and life, and takes the series in a refreshing new direction after four different New Super Mario Bros. games. The badge system is fun, too, and I foresee my kids taking full advantage of these to help them circumvent some of the more challenging portions of the game. Oh, and as always, there are a bunch of secrets I have to go back and discover. These Mario games burst with content.

That’s it! That’s the list! What were your favorite games of 2025? (If you can even remember, since it’s already March.) Something relevant and timely, no doubt?

Thanks for reading, and see you next mission!

Some Screenshot Credits: MobyGames and Steam

Play by Play - Mario Golf

Mon, 02 Feb 2026 00:00:00 -0600

Year: 1999
Platform: Game Boy Color
Notes: Subpar, but in the good way.

I’ve never played golf. Miniature golf, sure, but not golf. I don’t watch golf on TV. I’m not really into golf. I’ve spent most of my life knocking golf as boring and stupid.

Golf video games? Also boring and stupid. I’ve told the story before about how I was at a sleepover and had a bad time because the other guys would not stop playing Golf on NES, and my pleas to do other, nerdier things went ignored. Clearly this game was not good for anybody.

I got into collecting NES games in high school, and found Golf at a Funcoland for probably 49 cents or a dollar, at most. I didn’t really care what games I bought, just that I kept amassing them, so Golf found its way into my collection. I decided to try it one day, probably out of a false sense of obligation to play and beat everything I owned. To my surprise, once I got the hang of it, I really liked it, and I found myself in this odd position of total disinterest in real life golf, but deep appreciation for a golf video game. I bet if I tried real golf, I would like it, too, but I already have too many hobbies, so forget it! I’ll just continue badmouthing it, like the disingenuous savage I am.

From the original Golf on NES, I moved to the more nuanced NES Open Tournament Golf, Wii Sports golf, Golf Story on Nintendo Switch, and now, Mario Golf on Game Boy Color, thanks to Nintendo Switch Online (or Nintendo Classics or whatever it is now). It’s not that many golf games in the big picture, but I love them all and have spent an unhealthy amount of time with each. Okay, okay, I was wrong about golf games being boring and stupid. Let’s talk about Mario Golf and how it has consumed my limited video game hours these last many weeks.

I started Mario Golf on a whim. I’d just finished Super Mario Bros. Wonder (which may or may not get a blog post of its own, depending on my output) and found myself with just a few minutes to play before bed one evening, and no games in-progress. I heard again and again what a great job Camelot did on Mario Golf, and that it was the inspiration for the ridiculously fun Golf Story (which made my Top 10 Games of 2021), so my curiosity got the better of me and I switched it on, intending to just give myself a little preview. I finally went to bed two hours later. Starting Mario Golf at that juncture was a mistake—I acknowledge that now. However, starting Mario Golf proved to be one of my better decisions in recent memory.

Character creation sticks to the basics: gender, name, dominant hand, and a handful of options for appearance. I also had the choice to play as Mario or Luigi, but with character creation as an option, I passed on my plumber buddies this time. I made a left-handed kid named Brian (how original) and explored the introductory area, Marion Golf Club, talking to the NPCs and getting a feel for the controls via the driving, approach, and putting ranges. I completed some challenges there and received experience points for my trouble. Oh! Experience points? You mean this is an RPG like Golf Story? Oh boy. I watched that XP rack up and knew I wasn’t going to be playing any other games for a while—you know how I am about these golf games, and once RPG elements intertwine with shooting a decent round of golf, there is no hope of another game intervening until I stand victorious at the top of the Video Golf Association™ rankings!

I tried a practice round at Marion Club, and between that and the aforementioned challenges on the range, I found the golfing mechanics are similar to those in NES Open Tournament Golf. To my further delight, the power meter moves a little slower, so I had no trouble keeping my shots powerful and accurate. It was like playing NES Open, but competently! I cruised through my practice round and felt capable enough to enter the club tournament, where I crushed the opposition, including Putts, the club champion. Absolutely no contest. Hm, maybe this quest won’t take as long as I thought, I said to myself with a level of confidence that only comes to me when I’m about to make a complete fool of myself.

This party's over.

After winning the club championship, I found Putts sulking in the club lounge, where he challenged me to a match game. I’m not big on match play, so I accepted with what turned out to be misplaced hesitation, as Putts didn’t stand a chance. Hm, maybe this whole match play thing isn’t as bad as I thought, I said to myself with the same level of confidence as above.

From here, I ventured out from Marion Club into the overworld. Wait, there’s an overworld? Here, I discovered three more golf clubs (Palm Club, Dunes Club, and Links Club), as well as a number of smaller locales featuring golf challenges of one sort or another, like hitting a series of greens in high winds or within a time limit. Every one of these little mini-games dug itself into my obsessive-compulsive core. I couldn’t continue with my life until I beat them—I stayed up late so many nights because of these stupid mini-games. It’s just such a thrill to finally beat them. It reminded me of playing Super Smash Bros. Melee for the first time and trying to beat all the event matches and setting records on the sandbag and how I absolutely could not stop until I beat them. It’s funny how side content can capture my attention so completely. I guess it’s the same formula as sidequests in a traditional roleplaying game, which are equally compelling and distracting.

Even when I put it in the trees, it just seemed so much less punishing than NES Open Tournament Golf.

Moving on with the main quest, I found that much like Marion Club, I didn’t have any trouble at Palm Club, or in my match game with its (now former) champion, Grace. I was so full of myself at this point that I made the mistake of believing Mario Golf would be too easy. Then I visited Dunes Club and promptly ate dirt (or sand, I guess) for four consecutive tournaments. Dunes Club adds a lot more environmental hazards than than the previous two courses. You’d think sand traps might be the big irritant on a golf course named for sand dunes, but no, it’s cacti. Enormous, tree-sized cacti, always strategically placed directly in the way of my shots. For the first time, I had to depend on hooking my shots around obstacles to stay competitive. I also encountered a new type of terrain on this course: wasteland. Um, wasteland? Excuse me? This is a golf course. I bid you good day, sirs!

I got a hole-in-one at Dunes Club and still lost the tournament by a lot.

Anyway, after a lot of trial and error and getting hopelessly hung up in cactus forests, I won the tournament and left Dunes Club in a snooty, privileged huff, never to return. It was the first real challenge of the game (well, outside of some of the mini-games), and it forced me to question whether or not I was actually good at this, or if I had lucked my way through the game thus far. The intensity of the spike in difficulty shocked and insulted me.

Tracking sand all the way back to Marion Club (it gets everywhere, you know), I stormed the club lounge to confront Tiny, the Dunes Club champion, about the crappy conditions of his golf course. His response was to defeat me in four straight match games on my own turf. This dude Tiny is not like Putts or Grace. He’s got an extra 50 yards on his drive, doesn’t make dumb mistakes on his putts, and therefore can capitalize on any mistake I make. I improved with each attempt, but endured more and more defeats. I also leveled up a couple of times in the process, so I put those points into my drive. I wouldn’t be able to match Tiny’s power, but if I could get a little bit closer, I would have more margin for error. Finally, I got him. My greatest, most-short-lived victory yet!

Does it still count as winning if I lose the first four matches?

Another couple of mini-games later, I approached my final challenge: the Links Club, where I had just as much trouble as I did at the Dunes Club. Instead of cacti barring my path at any given moment, water hazards and thick patches of heath resulted in far too many bogeys for me to be competitive. It just took a lot of practice for me to figure out this course. I also played this one while I was out sick with a stomach bug, so even if I had played well, I wouldn’t have good memories of my experience here. Four or five tournaments later, I finished in first place and the credits rolled. Hey, I won!

Does it still count as winning if—aw, nevermind, I'm just taking the win this time.

I probably should have stopped there, but I was too obsessed! I had to keep playing. I challenged former Links Club champion, Gene Yuss (oh man, I just got the joke there), to a match game. I knew he was going to be an even greater challenge than Tiny, and yet I persisted. I lost. A lot. Gene drives the ball as far as Tiny, he putts flawlessly, and he chips in his approach shots more often than not. He can almost always eagle a par 5. Really, the only times Gene ever messed up were on his drives, where he’d sometimes put it in the rough or in the trees. I really don’t remember how I beat him, but I did it late at night a couple of days before Christmas, and he really took it hard.

Let's not get ahead of ourselves. I just pushed the 'A' button at the appropriate times.

I also unlocked a Princess Peach’s Castle course, where the tournaments are against Mario and the whole Mushroom Kingdom gang. I lost that one badly a couple of times and decided I’d had enough fun with Mario Golf for now. But, I’ll be back one day to win that tournament and finish one last mini-game that gave me too many fits to continue.

That’s Mario Golf! A pleasant diversion turned to obsession real quick. Despite my many losses, I had too much fun with this one. That need for the thrill of victory kept me going through adversity. Well, at least until the post-credits unlockables, but that’s what replay value is for, right? I heard there’s a Game Boy Advance version of this, too. Oh no. I’ll save that for a few years down the road, perhaps, when I’m ready for a golf game to take over my life once again. Highly recommended for fans of golf video games or repetitive torture and misery.

Thanks for reading, and see you next mission!

Extra Life 2025 Recap

Tue, 02 Dec 2025 00:00:00 -0600

I put more thought into the possibility of not doing Extra Life this year than any in recent memory. Mounting exhaustion, mounting world-weariness, and other complications nearly overwhelmed me. The desire was there, but the energy to plan or promote or set up the stream waned. The end of the year got closer, but preparation lay untouched. I started to think it wouldn’t happen.

Then I got an idea involving baseball, something to shake up the formula a bit and get our donors more involved. I could create a team of donors on Baseball Stars on NES, and pit them against the computer in a winner-take-all tournament.

The idea revitalized me. Extra Life needed to happen. Besides, it’s for the kids, right? That being said, I’m happy to report that we marathoned successfully on November 1, raising (as of this writing) $1,182 for St. Louis Children’s Miracle Network Hospitals. Here’s how it went down.

Balloon Fight (NES)

Satoru Iwata’s more-than-competent Joust clone became a favorite after I started playing it with Craig on Nintendo Switch Online. This was its first appearance in the marathon. It’s a high-score chaser, so it served as a fun, low-stakes opener for the day. I played a couple of rounds of the base game, one round of the horizontal-scrolling alternate mode called Balloon Trip, and called it good. Lots of games to get through—I felt warmed up and had to keep things moving.

Wizards & Warriors (NES)

Another low-stakes affair, Wizards & Warriors is a shockingly kind game, given its era. With unlimited continues and no penalty for death other than losing the high score, Kuros the knight has everything he needs to rescue his princess and put that good-for-nothing wizard Malkil in the ground, permitted he can navigate the twisting caves, towering forests, and damp dungeons between them. While I hadn’t played it in years, I remembered enough to come away with the win and have a great time along the way. Another good game to play early to establish good vibes for the day. I had some trouble with the giant bat boss, though. True EVIL at work. I’d love to see somebody beat Wizards & Warriors without using a continue. That sounds like a true feat!

Life Force (NES)

Hey, I remember when I was good at this game! Was I good during the marathon? No! Not at all. I was good about 10 years ago. As much as I’d like to believe that muscle memory and reflexes can get me through a tough shooter like Life Force, it’s really just practice. Lots and lots of practice. Without practice, I made it to the third level and burned out spectacularly...on the fire level, coincidentally! My troubles really began on the second level, though, where I kept getting killed by asteroids or volcanoes, losing my powerups and leaving myself unprepared for the third level. But, I couldn’t let this defeat bring me down—the next game wouldn’t be any easier.

Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out!! (NES)

Hey, I remember when I was good at this game! Was I good during the marathon? Actually, I wasn’t too bad, so maybe that muscle memory and reflexes can get me places, after all! I made it all the way to Mr. Sandman without incident, then lost two straight matches against him and had to battle my way back up the rankings to face him a third time, where I finally defeated him, and went on to beat Super Macho Man for the World Title. Then came Tyson, and while we won’t go into detail about my brutal (and repeated) demise at his hands, I want you to know that the rest of my time with Punch-Out!! punched above its weight class, and I regret that this game hasn’t appeared in marathons more often.

P.S. - Bald Bull’s Bull Charge didn’t give me any trouble...this time.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time (SNES)

This was actually the first time I played all the way through the Super Nintendo version of Turtles in Time. I don’t really know how that’s possible—I love beat ’em ups, I love the Ninja Turtles. How did I miss this for so long? Much like in the Hyper Stone Heist, which I played in last year’s marathon, I like the fairness and pattern recognition of the boss battles in Turtles in Time, and I like that the combat requires a certain degree of rhythm, of timing attacks instead of straight button-mashing. It took a little bit of getting used to, but it felt really good once I got the hang of it. I get why people like this game so much.

Gunstar Heroes (Sega Genesis)

Gunstar Heroes is crazy! It’s nonstop action. Bad guys flying around all over the place, explosions everywhere, wild boss encounters that go down to the wire—it’s a trip. I have no idea what’s happening as far as the story goes, but I know it’s a lot of fun. I got frustrated on one particularly lengthy level because I didn’t have the patience to take it slow, and I needed to keep the day moving. But, I still had fun. This was another marathon newcomer, by the way, and a welcome addition.

Super Return of the Jedi (SNES)

Super Return of the Jedi did not appear in the marathon as scheduled. I had to cut it from the lineup due to time constraints. It probably would have been a 2-3 hour game on its own. Just not enough time for all of these classics. Maybe next year—Star Wars is due for an appearance soon!

Baseball Stars (NES) Extra Life Hootenanny

The centerpiece of this year’s marathon, Baseball Stars brought a new donation incentive to the festivities. For a minimum donation, donors could join my Baseball Stars team, thanks to the game’s create-a-team mode, which allowed me to build a team, name the players, and assign them positions. Fittingly, I named the team the Extra Lifers and filled the team with donors and coworkers. The Extra Lifers played a round robin against five computer-controlled teams, and the top four teams advanced to a tournament to determine the winner of the first World Series of Extra Life!

I spent a few hours prior to the marathon leveling up the team so they would be interesting to watch, but I may have gone a little too far with it. Aside from a couple of close games, the Extra Lifers crushed their opposition in both round robin and tournament play, and captured the title convincingly. Our pitchers only gave up a couple of runs all day, one threw a no-hitter, and Craig had a batting average in excess of .850 at one point in time. While it was too easy, I had a blast bringing Baseball Stars and a new means of donor participation to the marathon, and I’m happy to bring it back again in the future, but maybe with a little more competition next time. To inject even more baseball into the mix, bad enough dude and Twitch chat moderator Melissa kept us up-to-date on Game 7 of the actual World Series during the World Series of Extra Life. Baseball on top of baseball!

Super Mario Land 2: Six Golden Coins (Game Boy)

I’ve played Super Mario Land 2 a couple of times during the marathon in the last few years. It’s fun, and it’s weird, and I get the distinct feeling that I’m missing something about the game. I know there are hidden exits and secret levels—I’ve found a few, but I don’t think I’ve found all of them, and I’m wondering if something interesting might happen if I do. It’s a good game, but I suspect I haven’t unlocked its full potential. Hmmm. One of these days.

Super Castlevania IV (SNES)

Super Castlevania IV grows on me a little more each time I play it. My initial impression, that of an unorthodox installment in the series that’s too long and has weird music, still stands, but it just has so much character that it’s getting harder for me to resist. I’m not that good at it, probably part of the reason why it seems so long, but I can’t dismiss it quite so quickly anymore. I hope the challenges I ran into on this one entertained the stream audience, especially the time I died because I sank in a pile of treasure. Whoops!

Mega Man 3 (NES)

All of a sudden, there was a section of Spark Man’s level, a section with a bottomless pit I’ve never had much trouble with before, that threw me for a loop. I couldn’t get past it. I had to leave Spark Man until the end, after I acquired the Rush Jet, so I could cross the pit without getting knocked in by enemies. That got me thinking about revising my entire boss order, the one I’ve been using since 1991 or whenever I first played this. It has a weird hole in the middle of it where I face Snake Man without the weapon that’s effective against him. It has room for improvement, and my sudden inability to beat Spark Man’s level without Rush Jet might be the catalyst to finally perfect it. Anyway, I had fun in spite of that sudden hiccup. Mega Man 3 rules.

A Tradition Unlike Any Other:™ NES Open Tournament Golf (NES)

I dug into the archives to check my score from last year’s marathon: +7. This year? +12. In my defense, I’ve been playing a lot of Mario Golf on Game Boy Color lately, and the mechanics and swing speeds are slightly different in that game, so I had to make some quick adjustments. But then I kind of choked at the end, so the middle 10 holes were great, but the first four and last four were a mess.

Classic PC Block: Commander Keen, Crystal Caves HD, Secret Agent HD

I was pretty out of it on these games, so I’ll condense them into a single recap. All three games have sprawling levels with lots of bonus points and keys to collect, so I spent a chunk of the overnight hours exploring three episodes’ worth of huge stages, picking up stuff to my heart’s content. Not only that, but I played Crystal Caves and Secret Agent on hard mode, so my already addled brain also had to deal with minimal ammunition and a smaller health bar. What is my fascination with subjecting myself to additional torture and misery when I’m already not at my best?

Final Games: The Legend of Zelda: Link’s Awakening (Game Boy Color) and Metroid: Zero Mission

I split these over the last four hours of the marathon, not intending to finish either, but to get as far as possible. I played Link’s Awakening a bit longer than Zero Mission and got to the entrance of the third dungeon, the Key Cavern. In Zero Mission, I beat Kraid, and I think the last item I collected before time mercifully ran out and I turned off the stream was the Varia Suit. I didn’t intentionally pick two portable games as my final two, but they reminded me of how awesome Game Boy games can be, whether original, Color, or Advance. Between these games and playing lots of Game Boy games on Nintendo Switch Online over the last couple of years, I’ve enjoyed a lot of portable games lately, and I’m so impressed by how much game developers eked out of these tiny systems. I think about games like Link’s Awakening, Bionic Commando, Donkey Kong ’94, the GBA Castlevanias and/or Metroids, and so on, and the amount of space they fill in my gaming memories feels disproportionate to all the console and PC and otherwise “technically superior” games. They are great games, not to be taken for granted. I think I’ve spent a lot more time on portables in my life than I realized. Either that, or the games are just really good. Probably a little of both!

That wraps up Extra Life for this year! I want to extend a special thanks to everybody who donated toward, participated in, or otherwise supported the marathon. It’s for a good cause and makes a real difference for the kids and families at our local St. Louis Children’s Miracle Network Hospitals. Obviously, I’m glad I ended up going through with it, and while I’m not interested in doing another marathon any time soon, by the time next fall arrives, I’ll be ready for another 24 hours of charity gaming madness.

Thanks for reading, and see you next mission!

Play By Play - Ultima Online

Mon, 01 Sep 2025 00:00:00 -0500

Year: 1997
Platform: PC
Notes: Despite our troubles, I still love it.

You might remember a post about Ultima Online I made back in December that mentioned my two characters that never make progress because I can never settle on a skillset for either one of them. Schneider was a crafter, then became an adventuring lumberjack, then transitioned to a more traditional ranger. His brother, Scholtz, started life as a samurai, then transitioned into a crafter making gear for Schneider, and I most recently started him on a lockpicking training program, but with no real plan. What’s going on with these guys? Will I ever make a firm decision and actually venture beyond the relative safety of New Haven, the newbie starting area? Let’s talk about Ultima Online, the [checks notes] nearly 28-year old MMO, and dissect the possibly terrible decisions I am currently making with my life by investing more time and enthusiasm into this relic.

I felt directionless. Schneider’s transition to ranger had gone well, but so what? Where was his personality or purpose? I’d rebuilt him into the same character I used to run in the 90s-00s: a mace/staff fighter with archery, with a few skill differences, but no motivation or no community around him. On the other hand, the adventuring lumberjack intrigued me—there’s some story behind that guy. The ranger is just a ranger, and while I’m sure he also has some kind of raison d’etre, he felt generic, I’ve just done it before, and I’d rather try something new.

Meanwhile, Scholtz existed solely to make gear for Schneider. I felt like I wasted a character slot. What can I do to make this guy interesting and fulfilling to play, rather than just watching numbers go up and dropping bags of gear on the floor of the inn so my other guy can pick them up and enjoy them?

I had to do something. I could feel my motivation to play slipping away, like always. That extremely hot or cold inkling to invest a lot of my time in Ultima Online started tipping towards cold. I think I struggle with purpose in sandbox-style games. Sure, there are a million things to do, but why do any of them? Raise these skills, go to these dungeons, and so on. But there’s no story or reason attached to any of these tasks, so why do them? This is where I get lost, and where I ultimately must create my own narrative to stay interested. In my Ultima Online heyday of 1998-2001, I had to join the roleplaying community to give myself a goal and purpose in the game. Otherwise, I was just doing things for the sake of doing them, which wasn’t very fulfilling. I don’t have time to join the roleplaying scene at this point in my life (if it still exists), so how to proceed?

Hey, I thought you were a barbarian!

The first thing I decided to do was abandon the idea of one character being dependent on another, in this case Scholtz serving as a crafter for Schneider. This is a common practice in MMOs—a primary character, and a secondary, a “mule,” used for gathering resources and/or crafting gear for the main character. I've kind of grown to hate this. It’s unfulfilling, and I think I might hate crafting in Ultima Online, anyway—a revelation 26 years in the making. As interesting as I have tried to make crafting be, it simply is not. It’s fun until I hit about 55 skill, at which point I have to make eight thousand katanas for each additional .1 skill gained in blacksmithing. I have endless respect for anyone who can “make number go up” at that slow of a pace without losing their minds. Also, there’s the added complication of transferring items from one character to another, which I usually do by leaving a bag in a nondescript locale, logging out as Scholtz, logging in as Schneider, and grabbing the bag before some other player can discover it. That has never been an issue. I have never lost a bag to another player, even during the game’s peak years, but it stresses me out every time.

Having made this decision, I got to work on making my guys more interesting. Ultimately, I decided I have played out the ranger character class in too many other games over the last few years, and began the bothersome task of converting Schneider back to an adventuring lumberjack. (Why is it that I never make it anywhere in this game again?) I thought it would be a hassle, but luckily, the only skill that really atrophied during that time was swordsmanship (the skill used for axe-fighting in UO)—Schneider's adept lumberjacking ability remained intact. No, I don't NEED lumberjacking since I won’t be collecting wood for crafting, but it's part of Schneider's character and provides a damage bonus when fighting with an axe. If he's going to lop off heads, he might as well be really good at it.

Schneider prepares to behead an ogre. He might die—the ogre, not Schneider.

With the conversion back to lumberjack, I made the tough choice to drop archery (and some nominal skill in bowcrafting/fletching I used for making arrows) to focus those points in other areas. As much as I enjoy playing a hybrid, versatile character, archery and bowcrafting bit into Schneider's other skills a little too much to his detriment. He will still be effective—perhaps more so—without it.

And, not to worry! Where Schneider's abilities might stay a little more focused than I first thought, Scholtz's skillset is delightfully all over the place, so I’ll still have a crazy hybrid. I liked the idea of a dungeon crawler, a guy who moves around dangerous areas unseen, picks locks on treasure chests, and escapes with the goods, avoiding combat as much as possible. If he had some treasure-hunting skill, as well, that would be a plus, although based on how treasure hunting works in UO, I’m not sure he can get away with it without some kind of combat ability. We’ll see!

Anyway, Scholtz naturally developed pretty decent hiding and stealth skills by my compulsive use of them as I walked him around town (ever the introvert, trying to go unnoticed by my fellow players), a good start for his profession change. In the meantime, without getting into a lot of minutiae (this post threatened to be about a dozen pages long if I did), I trained up the following skills:

Lockpicking to weasel my way into chests
Tinkering to create more lockpicks (it turns out crafting can be interesting when it directly benefits a character’s overall objective—Scholtz’s tinkering skill is around 77 and isn’t that boring, believe it or not)
Mining to gather ore for tinkering (oh, this part is still pretty monotonous, though)
Remove Trap so all those chests don’t blow up in my face when I open them
Cartography to decipher treasure maps

Remove Trap required spending 200,000 gold, a sum of money that would have bought me a multi-level building back in 1999, on a training kit. It seemed a ludicrous amount of money (turns out inflation is real in virtual economies, as well), but it did raise Scholtz’s skill over 65 much faster than it would have via traditional means, so I can’t complain. I have to click this little joystick in the right directions to complete a circuit to disarm the trap. I wish I could use the arrow keys, but that does not appear to be an option. Once I get into a groove, the process moves a little more quickly. I hope the payoff for a high Remove Trap skill is worth it. This is a task best done while hanging out with my wife, listening to a ballgame, or doing something else to make the time pass pleasantly.

Shortly thereafter, I had a chance encounter. Another player, Ardrion Hittera of The Wheel of Time (a guild of some renown on the Atlantic shard, apparently), tailed me outside of town to ask about Scholtz’s jacket. I had an “Oh, this old thing?” moment because it was a Twilight Jacket, a quest reward from some point in time when I trained Scholtz’s ninjitsu skill to 50. I honestly don’t remember doing that—Scholtz has had a lot of job changes over the years. But, I like the jacket, so I keep wearing it. Anyway, it sparked a conversation about the skills I’m developing for Scholtz. I ran through my list and this idea of building a dungeon crawler/treasure hunter. Hittera departed briefly, then returned with a set of gear tailored to my needs, plus 200,000 gold—ha! Well, that worked out. The established players of Ultima Online want for nothing, and many seek out opportunities to help new players. Which, no, I’m not “new,” but I might as well be. I thanked Hittera profusely and we went our separate ways. Why am I hiding from the other players again? Maybe I’d get more free stuff if I put myself out there more often!

Ardrion Hitterra shares the wealth; local lowlife is appreciative.

The encounter got me thinking—why didn’t I train ninjitsu? I’m doing this whole stealth thing, and I still had 50 skill points in it that have somehow never deteriorated. It’s a perfect fit and enables Scholtz to use items like smoke bombs and throwing stars for when he’s in a pinch. Back on the list it goes! If it’s not a good fit, I can dump it later, but for now, it seems useful and interesting!

With time and patience (and after breaking about 2,000 hand-crafted lockpicks), I worked Scholtz’s lockpicking up to the point where he could raid chests at the bandit camp southeast of New Haven. Not much loot, but it was a start. I can honestly say that in all my years playing Ultima Online, I never successfully picked a locked chest in the wild until this moment, and it was more thrilling than I’d care to admit.

I didn't manage to capture the actual picking of the lock, so here are a number of failures leading up to the momentous event!

So, I (once again) have my adventuring lumberjack. I have my stealth dungeon crawler/treasure hunter. Two brothers with distinct and interesting sets of skills. Now, what is their purpose in this world? Why are they doing what they're doing?

I took the ultimate nerdy turn and wrote backstories:

Schneider, The Adventuring Lumberjack

A lumberjack by trade, Schneider witnessed the once-healthy forests south of his hometown of Yew be ravaged by the orc industrial complex. Schneider approached the orcs peacefully, hoping to find a resolution, but they turned their forest-clearing tools on him, an encounter from which he barely escaped with his life.

Now, Schneider brings his lumberjacking experience to a new trade: combat. Under the tutelage of his instructors at New Haven, Schneider developed the skills needed to bring his vengeful axe to bear—no longer felling trees, but felling evil.

Combining his battle training with the calm, strength, and discipline learned from years spent in the woods, Schneider vows to quietly, but not peacefully, end the forces of darkness threatening his home.

Fortunately, he is not alone.

Scholtz, the Crafter-turned-Guerilla

Where Schneider excelled at resource-gathering, his brother Scholtz took those materials and transformed them into beautiful furniture and containers. While not as moved by the destruction of primeval forest as Schneider, Scholtz did not take kindly to his supply of resources drying up, nor to the deep psychological impact on his brother.

Using his business acumen and uncanny ability to sneak up on people even when he doesn’t want to, Scholtz joined his brother’s crusade, pilfering goods, disrupting supply lines, unearthing secret caches, and otherwise working in the shadows to upend the enemy’s industry and commerce. What other privileged information might Scholtz discover that he and his brother can use to further undermine their enemies and bring peace to Britannia once again?

Since all of these developments, Schneider has conducted multiple raids on the Yew orc fort, thinning their ranks and disrupting production. Meanwhile, Scholtz continues to improve his lockpicking and trap-removal skills, while also tracking down and digging up multiple enemy stashes (via the game’s treasure-hunting system). His next destination will be the dungeons, where he’ll relieve the opposition of more gold and plunder.

One-man army attacks Yew Orc Fort

THIS is Ultima Online. I feel like I'm playing the game as it was intended for the first time since running with the Greater Yew Militia and the Sunset Knights in a past life. It took a while, but I found my own path, with context and purpose, rather than meandering in a huge world with nigh-unlimited options for skillsets and things to do. Now, with real objectives in mind, let’s see how far I can take these characters.

Thanks for reading, and see you next mission!

I’ll Never Play Your Favorite Video Game, and That’s Okay

Sun, 13 Jul 2025 00:00:00 -0500

I’m trying to overcome an input addiction. I always have something playing in the background. Podcasts, YouTube, a baseball game, wrestling. Always some kind of noise. I’m never alone with my thoughts—I’ll allow you to make your own conclusions about how that may or may not be impacting my mental health.

A lot of this input comes from my phone, so I removed all of the entertaining apps from it, including my precious podcast player. Now I can only listen to them on my computer at work, instead of more inappropriate settings, like dinner or church. My children will bring my phone to me unprompted if I leave it in another room, in case you need another hint that technological addiction has become a problem for me.

I took a walk earlier this week, and felt a brief pang of worry regarding all the episodes of Retronauts and Tony Kornheiser and other podcasts I’m probably going to miss because I can’t listen to them on walks anymore. The worry didn’t last long, though—without the ubiquitous sports guys yelling in my ear about Cal Raleigh’s home run totals, my brain engaged for the first time in a while. Latching on to that moment of unease about missing podcasts, I started thinking about all the times I’ve had conversations with friends and family about other forms of entertainment that I’ve missed. The question always comes up:

“Have you seen X?”

“Have you read Y?” (Y: The Last Man? No, I haven’t, actually.)

“Have you played Z?”

The answer is almost always no. In turn, I’ll ask the same questions. Again, “no” is usually what I get in response. Sometimes one of us will say yes, and then we can revel in that shared human experience for a little bit, chatting about the greatness of The Adventures of Brisco County, Jr. or commiserating over the toughness of the boss encounters in Mega Man X2. Yes, these references are old because *I* am old.

My conversations generally go better than this, but I will respond in this way if you tell me Donkey Kong sucks.

For pretty much all my life, when I answer one of these questions in the negative, I immediately feel shame. I guess I worry I’m going to be scolded for my lack of culture. No, I haven’t seen Oppenheimer, but I have seen Star Trek IV a couple of dozen times, and that’s gotta count for something, right? Yes, it’s the one with the whales.

I started thinking about why I feel this way. Why shame? It’s not that I don’t want to take in any of this media. The issue is capacity, which is mostly out of my control. Aside from admittedly re-watching the same Star Trek movies too many times, the truth is I can’t watch/read/play everything from the collective library of works that my family and friends enjoy. No single person can. Imagine getting recommendations from the dozen closest people in your life. Now weigh those recommendations against the stuff you already know for sure interests you, on top of whatever responsibilities in your life you must also manage. You can’t do it. You have to pick and choose what speaks to you the most, and maybe eke out enough time to dive in.

The response should not be shame or sheepishness. It should be curiosity. “No, I haven’t played Clair Obscur: Expedition 33. In fact, I don’t even know what it is—please tell me about it!” And sure, if it strikes me as something not to overlook, I’ll take the time to check it out. But, I also shouldn’t feel internal pressure to do so. It’s FOMO, right? Oh no, I’m missing out on this great piece of art and am less human until I digest it.

No, I’m not less human. That’s just me finding yet another reason to be needlessly cruel to myself.

As I kept walking in the quiet, I decided that being unable to experience everything myself is actually another opportunity to experience joy and camaraderie with the people I care about. We must depend on others to share their experiences with the works we won’t have time to take in ourselves. That’s important in a number of ways. It gives us something to talk about. I get a glimpse of what brings them joy and what molds their personality, and they get a glimpse of the same for me. It’s an opportunity to allow our divergent choices in life to bring us closer together. That seems more enjoyable than the perpetual fear of missing out.

Come to think of it, it’s the whole reason I listen to podcasts like A Cure for the Common Craig (shameless plug for Craig and Nicole’s work) or Retronauts. I get good movie and game recommendations from those shows that I do check out, but there are just too many to enjoy them all, so I depend on those hosts to enjoy them for me. It’s a service to humanity—allowing others to enjoy art by proxy.

So no, I’ll never play God of War, the Resident Evil 2 remake, any Assassin’s Creed game, Fornite, or those other popular games out of my wheelhouse. I don’t have a problem with them. I’m just over here, doing my own thing, without the time to enjoy everything. But, if you can tell me about them, why you love them, without our conversation getting weirdly judgmental because I’m not doing the exact same thing you’re doing, then I get to enjoy those games in some small way through you, I get to grow my relationship with you, and maybe I can share some of my favorites with you, too, that you will also probably never play for all the same reasons.

I am clearly not the audience for this kind of show.

This is it. This is part of life, how humans are supposed to behave and thrive—through sharing their journey, good and bad, contributing to the greater tapestry of human experience. I’m embracing it. What choice do I have?

Maybe I should be alone with my thoughts more often. I might figure out what actually is my favorite video game.

Thanks for reading, and see you next mission!

Play by Play - Star Wars: Rebellion Strikes Back

Wed, 11 Jun 2025 00:00:00 -0500

Year: 1998
Platform: PC
Notes: I've now played Rebellion more than all but five games in my Steam library. Not sure how I feel about that.

I already had another post in the works and a loose idea for another post after that, but then, to my surprise and delight, I beat Star Wars: Rebellion much sooner than anticipated and racked up three pages of notes on everything that happened between now and my last post, so I figured I’d better get it out into the wild while it was all still fresh in my mind. As such, this entry is more raw than most, but that’s okay. That’s the way it should be. I spend way too much time fiddling with posts instead of just posting. It just needs to be fun, not perfect, which it won’t be anyway, so let’s keep it simple.

Anyway, let’s talk about Star Wars: Rebellion one more time, so I can regale you with my tale of how I buried the Empire and how it will never return in any form in future films, comics, or novels.

First, I should let you know the Empire did, in fact, strike back. They obliterated my remaining defenses on Yavin IV with an unnecessarily large force, then left without a trace. I scrambled some reinforcements to defend my remaining assets on the moon, but since I had no other presence in the sector, they arrived about 40 days too late. Sorry, friends. If nothing else, with the reinforcements, I also started my efforts to take control of the whole sector for resource-gathering purposes.

Once I had the Sluis and Dufilvan sectors operating smoothly, which you can read about in my last post, my next move was something of a gamble. I decided to try to take the Sesswenna sector, home of the Imperial capital, Coruscant. Even if I couldn’t take Coruscant, itself, I felt it would still be advantageous to control every other system in the sector to eliminate any direct support from its neighbors. I did this...eventually. About half of the planets I was able to sway via diplomacy, but while I was doing that, the Empire coerced the remaining planets to join them, so these had to be taken by force, then diplomacy, always a time-consuming process. Coruscant remained firmly in Imperial hands, however, heavily fortified and with a Sith master on hand to instantly detect any covert operation I sent the planet’s way. Demoralizing, but it was the best I could do at the time.

There is something very funny about seeing Han Solo with an angry mob behind him.

In the meantime, I used smaller fleets to continue taking as much of the outer rim as possible, on the far side of the galaxy from the Empire’s influence. My process here was to drop a few Mon Calamari and Sullustan regiments (the best types of troops for defense and ferreting out subterfuge) on a planet, build whatever facilities and fighter defenses were needed, send replacement troops to the fleet, and move on to the next planet and repeat the process. My paranoia probably got the better of me--I’m sure I deployed too many defenses at each planet, which spread me thin and prevented me from assembling the offense I needed to successfully take Coruscant. In each sector, I tried to devote one system each to construction, troop training, and ship-building, while the rest focused on mining and refining resources. This worked fairly well—maybe not the most versatile planning, but I was able to build and distribute troops and ships quickly enough that it rarely became an issue.

While I was busy trying to surround Coruscant in the Sesswenna sector, the Empire seized the entirety of the Corellian sector. I assembled a fleet and sent it in from the Dufilvan sector, near headquarters, and slowly but surely took over the entire sector planet by planet via blockade, then planetary assault, then sending in Jan Dodonna and Borsk Fey’lya (that shrewd Bothan diplomat from the Expanded Universe novels) to convince them the Empire is no good. This probably took like five or six in-game years on its own. It was a VERY involved, tedious, and frustrating operation, but I feel it was the beginning of the end for the Empire, as they lost a ton of their resource capacity in the form of all the mines and refineries I commandeered throughout the sector. Also, aside from Coruscant, this also drove them completely out of the core sectors, forcing them to take refuge in three sectors in the outer rim I’d left largely unexplored.

The Alliance's popular support around the galaxy nearing the endgame.

Finally, I caught the Empire off-guard at the capital. I sent an espionage mission to Coruscant at just the right time, and while my spies didn’t return, they stayed alive long enough to learn the massive defense fleet orbiting the world had left, and all that remained were several TIE Defender squadrons. I moved the big fleet operating in the sector into orbit, eliminated the fighter screen, and blockaded the planet.

Unfortunately, that was all I could do. In spite of its weakened state, Coruscant still boasted too many shields for planetary assault, and too much leadership present on the planet’s surface to run successful sabotage missions on their troops or facilities. I had to be content to maintain the blockade.

Even though I felt I was on the cusp of victory, things got really frustrating at this point in the game. As the blockade of Coruscant continued, the Empire sent roving death fleets throughout the rest of the sector, repeatedly wiping out my fighter screens and bombarding each planet one by one. I finally wisened up and installed shield generators everywhere, but it took me longer than I’d care to admit to realize I didn’t already have them on each system. I lost a lot of support, so much so that Uvena and Balmorra declared neutrality, and I had to scramble Leia, Vanden Willard, and my other diplomats into damage control to regain the trust of the rest of the planets in the sector before I lost any more of them. In time, I convinced Balmorra to rejoin the Alliance, but Uvena fell under Imperial influence once again.

Since I couldn’t successfully take control of Coruscant, my plan was to take control of the rest of the Outer Rim, the Empire’s only other remaining safe haven, and ultimately starve them out of resources. However, I had to pivot because I ran into another problem: natural disasters. These occur randomly on planets, destroying facilities and reducing the maximum number of facilities that can be built on that planet. These things started happening ALL THE TIME. Like, one every 100 days or less. I kept having to scrap large swaths of my military because, as I lost tons of mines and refineries to disasters, I no longer had the resources necessary for upkeep. I don’t know if this was a bug or part of Rebellion’s balancing, as the number of disasters seemed to increase exponentially as I accrued more and more territory.

This got old pretty fast.

I started to worry whether or not I’d be able to maintain a long-game with all the resources I was losing, so I made an uncharacteristically aggressive move. I pulled my fleet from the Corellian Sector and my fleet from the Orus Sector and sent them to Coruscant to join the blockade, along with my all-star task force of Luke Skywalker, Han Solo, and Chewbacca. Between the combined troops of all three fleets, I had enough manpower to capture Coruscant. The Emperor escaped, however. General Dodonna quickly swayed the populace to our side. That just left Uvena. Once I took Uvena, I would have complete control of the galaxy save three Outer Rim sectors, and planned to run fleets through the Empire’s remaining territory until they flushed out Vader and Palpatine.

Finally.

But, I didn’t have to do that! I blockaded Uvena, then sent in Luke, Han, and Chewie to sabotage the ground forces. When I did that, Luke discovered Vader and the Emperor were on Uvena. He automatically engaged them in The Final Battle and brought in both villains like the complete badass we all know Luke to be.

With Vader and the Emperor in captivity and Coruscant under firm Alliance control, the game ended. Those last dominoes fell so quickly that I couldn’t process what was going on. All of a sudden Threepio was shouting that we had Vader and Palpatine and that the Empire was defeated and the end cinematic rolled. Huh? We did? They are?! Having saved just before my move on Uvena, I loaded the game to make sure I hadn’t encountered a bug or something. But no, we pulled it off! That’s Star Wars: Rebellion! A little anticlimactic and disorienting with that sudden ending, but hey, I’ll take it.

My poor photographic evidence of the closing crawl, because trying to take a screenshot would cause the game to return to the title screen.

Other Rebellion Highlights

A lesson I wish I’d learned earlier in the game was to use Luke, Han, and Chewie for sabotage and capture missions ALL THE TIME. Like, as much as possible. Luke was hard to manage because he had a lot to do. I mostly used him for recruiting at first, which maybe wasn’t the best use of his abilities since he’s so good at combat. Then he left for Jedi training with Yoda for a while. Upon his return, I moved him into more combat and sabotage roles. This was important because, as I took over more and more territory, most remaining Imperial systems had leaders stationed at them, greatly reducing the success rate of subterfuge. On top of that, if the Emperor is on Coruscant, he gives leaders an extra leadership bonus, making them even more formidable. As such, my regular nameless infiltrators typically failed their sabotage missions. So, I started sending in Luke, Han, and Chewie, instead, and they usually got the job done. I should have been doing this all long, but was so worried about getting them captured that I played conservatively, instead. Characters gain skill as they conduct missions, as well, so they only get better at the things you assign them to do.
Han was attacked by bounty hunters on multiple occasions, but they never managed to capture him.
One time, I sent Luke, Han, and Chewie on a mission to capture General Veers, and they killed him. Whoops. That wasn’t part of the plan—the Alliance can’t run assassination missions like the Empire can. I guess something went wrong during the capture and Veers got himself killed. It was weird, and the only time that happened in the game.
I also lost a couple of characters along the way. Tura Raftican, a pretty obscure character who originates from the Star Wars RPG, was killed on an espionage mission. I also lost Orrimaarko, another obscure character, because it turns out he was Force-sensitive (as discovered by Luke earlier in the game), but ended up on a mission on the same planet as Darth Vader, whom I didn’t know was there. Vader sensed his presence and easily intercepted and killed him.
In hindsight, I wish I had moved on Coruscant sooner. Just brought all the fleets together and dropped the hammer rather than getting stuck in “elimination mode” and feeling like I needed to completely wipe the Empire off the map to really win. The resource and garrison management got to be too much, and the natural disasters caused a lot of late-game trouble. I just had it in my head that the Emperor and Vader would go into hiding somewhere in the Outer Rim once Coruscant fell, so I was compelled to try to take over everything to prevent that.
I’m a starship nerd, so naturally, I like the variety of ships in Rebellion and assembling good, versatile fleets. I’m pretty sure some of these ships were invented for this game, like the Liberator Cruiser and the Bulwark Battlecruiser, for balance purposes, to give the Alliance ships that were equivalent to some of the Empire’s larger ships, like the Imperial-2 class Star Destroyer or the Super Star Destroyer.
Speaking of Super Star Destroyers, one of the Empire’s roving death fleets briefly included one. During an attack on one of my systems, my B-wing defenses managed to damage it. I never saw it again after that—my hope is that the Empire was short enough on resources at that point that they had to decommission the Super Star Destroyer and use its resource points for other purposes.
Definitely more aggression and less defense next time. It took me over 3000 in-game days to win. That seems like way too long.
I never got an Incite Uprising mission to work. I’m not sure what I should have done differently to have success. It turns out I didn’t need them, but now I’m just really curious!
When I took control of Coruscant, I lost some popular support in all of my controlled systems in the sector. Huh? How does that work? My head-canon determined that pockets of Imperial sympathizers must have swollen and incited uprisings among the population when Coruscant fell. It’s the only way it makes sense.
Total play time: 32.7 Hours

There is something very funny about seeing Han Solo with a pile of bounty hunter corpses behind him.

Final Thoughts

I feel redeemed! I don’t think I played well, and despite the frustrations and challenges along the way, I had a lot of fun with Star Wars: Rebellion. Actually playing it correctly made it much more interesting than it was when I was a teenager. I might be willing to play it again, but probably in more of a Sim City or Stardew Valley capacity, like 15 to 30 minutes a day over the course of a few months. I found that the longer my play sessions, the more frustrated I generally got, so short bursts might be the way to go with this one. There are a lot of details to keep up with, so much so that it’s easy to get lulled into inactivity. I tried to keep things moving at all times—sending diplomats to neutral worlds, building new troops and ships at all times to shore up defenses or attack fleets, sending scouting parties to the Outer Rim, and so on, all the while second-guessing each decision and playing in perpetual dread of an Imperial fleet showing up anywhere, any time, and reducing a planet to rubble. It was fun. I swear.

On that note, I have another Star Wars 4x strategy game that I’ve never played called Empire at War. I guess I ought to check that one out sometime, too, huh? Not right now, though. Later. Definitely later.

Thanks for reading, and see you next mission!

Boxart Credit: MobyGames

Play by Play - Star Wars: Rebellion

Tue, 27 May 2025 00:00:00 -0500

Year: 1998
Platform: PC
Notes: Known as Star Wars: Supremacy in the UK. Is this a beef? Please, no hard feelings, friends!

Time to dig into a game I played a lot as a kid, but never really played correctly. Well, two games, actually, but only one of them is a video game.

As a fresh teenager, I was a fan of Star Wars Rebellion (the 1998 PC strategy game, not the 2016 tabletop game of the same name), but I was a much bigger fan of the Star Wars Customizable Card Game made by Decipher. By luck of my booster pack draws and strategic trades with my friends, my card selection favored the Dark Side. My collection included Darth Vader, Grand Moff Tarkin, General Veers and a bunch of imperial walkers, and a fleet of Star Destroyers. Some generic, and some of the named ones, as well, like the Tyrant and the Avenger, and even Vader’s super star destroyer, Executor.

As such, my decks all centered around overwhelming power, but little strategy. Rather than use action cards to debuff my opponent or give myself tactical advantages, my goal was to achieve victory by brute force and intimidation, much like the Galactic Empire from the movies! In reality, it was mostly because the rules of the game were complex, and that was all I knew how to do—buy more cards, add more technological terror to my deck.

Fittingly, I played Rebellion in roughly the same way. I played as the Empire and built a giant fleet of Star Destroyers and terrorized the galaxy, conducting orbital bombardments on any rebel planet I came across. I had a Death Star, too, but despite my policy of widespread, wanton destruction, blowing up an entire planet was apparently one step too far, and so I never did it. It was just there, again, for intimidation purposes.

Beyond that, I didn’t know how to play. If a rebel planet had shield generators, they were often, like in The Empire Strikes Back, capable of withstanding any bombardment. If orbital bombardment failed, I didn’t know what to do, or didn’t have the patience to do it. Where sabotage of the shield generators or surface assaults with ground troops were perfectly cromulent options, I either didn’t know how to do those things or hadn’t read the manual or something, and instead just whisked my fleet off to the next planet to bombard it. Needless to say, I never won the game, lacking the finesse and nuance necessary to conduct a proper galactic takeover—a disgrace to the imperial cause. I can only assume my in-game character clattered to the floor alongside Admiral Ozzel on some star destroyer upon failing Lord Vader for the last time.

Suddenly, in the year of our Lord 2025, a bizarre nostalgic need to fire up Star Wars: Rebellion and play it in earnest for the first time in 27 years took me by surprise, a presence I hadn’t felt since...? I’ve been rereading some of the Star Wars novels from the 90s over the past couple of years, and watching plenty of Star Wars adventures on Disney Plus with my family. Some shows and films (and novels) are better than others in the franchise, but I kind of don’t care. I’ll watch or read any of them. I think I’m just a fan. What a crime, right? I’m a man of impeccable taste. That being the case, I suppose it’s no surprise that I would begin dredging the depths of the Star Wars game library, as well, and the pull of Rebellion became irresistible. What lessons had I learned over the decades? Could I now conduct myself as a competent military and diplomatic leader on a galactic scale? Could I adopt subterfuge and espionage as acceptable alternatives to all-out military might? Let’s talk about Star Wars: Rebellion and see if I can at last restore freedom to the galaxy....

First thing’s first—I’m playing as the Rebel Alliance this time around. In my old age, given the choice to play as good guys or bad guys, I always go good guys. Playing as bad guys? In this climate?! I have to deal with enough bad guys in real life to ever want to play as one voluntarily. Thus, I am accompanied by C-3P0 and R2-D2 here at the rebel command center or wherever this is. They’re ready to keep me informed about the goings-on around the galaxy. Threepio is happy to offer advice, as well, but I turned that off pretty quickly on account of the arrangement becoming too unsolicited. Are you surprised? He’s also able to do some management of troops, fleets, and resources for me, but it turns out I’m too much of a control freak to allow that for long. Video games: helping me to identify my character flaws since 1987!

The scale of Star Wars always fascinates me. Just how many resources does a GALACTIC empire have at its disposal?

I need a fun experience and I’m an old guy with kids and not a lot of time on my hands, so I’m playing on easy mode in a small galaxy. The small galaxy only has 10 sectors, as opposed to the 20 sectors of the large galaxy. Hey, here for good time, not long time—I don’t have 400 spare hours or however long it might take to win this thing in a large galaxy. The idea is to settle uninhabited planets and sway as many populated systems as possible to the rebel cause, while building facilities, harvesting resources, and amassing troops, ships, and personnel along the way for defense and/or to conduct missions against the Empire. Rebellion is what’s considered a 4X strategy game, the 4X meaning explore, expand, exploit, and exterminate. I haven’t played very many strategy games of this nature, and I really don’t know if I’m playing the game well or not. Military units are built and controlled at a macro level—troops are measured in regiments, starfighters in squadrons. Starships exist individually, but typically act as part of a larger fleet. The speed of the game can also be adjusted, from Very Slow to Fast. I keep it on Very Slow when performing actions, but bump it up to Slow when I want time to pass. Usually notifications from the droids pile up quickly enough on Medium speed or higher that it overwhelms me, so I usually drop back to Slow or Very Slow in short order. Even in the small galaxy, I’m concerned about whether or not I’ll have the bandwidth to manage multiple sectors’ worth of defense, upkeep, and expansion. I guess I can fall back on Threepio, if need be, but either way, I’ve got a bad feeling about this.

Well, I'm glad you're here to tell us these things!

I should note that this definitely feels like a title with a limited budget. Aside from a handful of cinematics and some minor gestures from the droids, most of Rebellion’s graphics are static and feature a lot of reused assets. Nothing wrong with that—the graphics don’t impact what is turning out to be pretty compelling gameplay, overall. The whole game takes place in this control room with my droid buddies, so as you might expect, the excitement is limited and requires at least some use of the imagination. There is a real-time strategy space combat component to this game, but I find it so unenjoyable and tedious that I always choose the option to simulate the space combat, instead, and I’m grateful to whichever product designer saw fit to include that option in the game.

As the rebels, my goals are as follows:

Capture Emperor Palpatine
Capture Darth Vader
Take control of Coruscant, the imperial capital.

I’m sure those guys are pushovers and that it will be no big deal. I also don’t want these things to happen:

The capture of Luke Skywalker
The capture of Mon Mothma
The destruction of the rebel headquarters, which is mobile, unknown to the Empire, and assigned to a random planet somewhere in the Outer Rim. For the record, my headquarters is on Ord Pardron. READERS. Do NOT tell the Empire my headquarters is on Ord Pardron!

Rebellion picks up immediately after the destruction of the first Death Star at Yavin IV, and it begins under immediate duress. Threepio warned me at the outset that the Empire now knows the rebels have a base on Yavin IV and are likely to attack, so my first action was to move most of my forces out of the sector entirely, which was probably overkill, but I haven’t played this game in so long, I can’t remember what I’m dealing with here and didn’t want to get wiped out in the first 15 minutes. I moved them all (except for a couple of army regiments and X-wing squadrons, which I left behind to protect some mining facilities) to Kothlis, a rebel system in the Sluis sector. My personnel all got there very quickly compared to the ships in orbit, as they traveled with Han Solo. There’s a fun mechanic that allows Han and anyone traveling with him to travel “on the Millennium Falcon” (although the ship doesn’t actually appear in the game as a functional unit), which I believe can travel twice as fast as anything else in the game. I think this abandonment of Yavin was Rebellion’s way of easing me into the perpetual stress and second-guessing of every decision made in the game. Of which there are many. I may not be the right audience for this.

From here, I decided to set up shop in the Sluis sector and put all of my personnel to work. Personnel are the Rebel leaders or other characters of note, and can be assigned missions such as diplomacy, recruitment, espionage, sabotage, research, and more. My diplomats—Princess Leia, Jan Dodonna, and Vanden Willard—set to work on convincing the neutral systems to join the Rebellion. I sent Luke Skywalker to recruit more personnel with his high leadership skill. Wedge Antilles can research new ship designs, so I asked him to do that. And, a special mission for Han and Chewbacca: to incite an uprising on Sullust, a world under Imperial control, but with a population sympathetic to the Alliance. This is a trick I picked up watching a Let’s Play on YouTube to relearn all of the game’s basic commands: if I could liberate Sullust, it would likely cause a windfall of support across the sector, and convince most, if not all of the other systems in the sector, to join the Alliance.

Princess Leia out here being the best diplomat she can be.

Despite Han’s high leadership skill, he and Chewie weren’t empowering enough to start an uprising, so I did the next best thing: build a small fleet to blockade the planet, then use Han and Chewie to sabotage the Imperial garrison. With the garrison out of commission, control of the planet reverted to the Alliance, and with it, the remaining neutral planets in the sector also joined our cause, my first big victory of the game. Granted, this probably took like 100 days of in-game time, as I had to build ships for the blockade, train troops to defend the planet after ousting the Empire, and so on. I could prattle on and on about all the steps involved, but it’s not that interesting.

BUT, I do have one story about building and training units. It concerns a bug stemming from foolishly trying to play a 1998 PC game on a 2025 PC. The user interface of Rebellion is dated and clunky on its own, but I found that when I went to build or train units, I could only access the selection at the top of the dropdown menus, so either an Alliance Dreadnaught for ships, or an Alliance Army Regiment for troops. At first, I thought that maybe these were the only units available to me at the outset and I had to research the rest, but as I watched more of that YouTube Let’s Play, I found that I should’ve had access to more options. I went digging and found that if I left the game window in the top-left corner of my screen, instead of moving it to the middle of my screen as I had been doing, the dropdowns would work as intended. Ope, sure enough, that fixed it, so I guess I can deal with the minor inconvenience of the game window being stuck way up at the top-left of the screen to play a fully functional game.

On the topic of sabotaging that garrison, this is the kind of nuance my playstyle lacked when I was a kid. Everything depended on overwhelming power. Star Destroyers, and as many of them as possible! I knew the option of sabotage existed, but I didn’t understand how effective it could be. Rather than put a ton of unnecessary resources into a fleet capable of nuking the planet from orbit and risk causing the entire population to hate me for accidentally destroying civilian facilities, I just sent in literally two guys to wipe out an entire garrison, and they pulled it off! How effective and efficient! Knowing subterfuge can allow me to shunt more resources to system defense in lieu of a gratuitously large attack fleet leaves me a little more at ease, but just a little. I have a feeling when this Empire hits back, they’re going to hit hard.

Taking the Sluis sector amounted to some of the more fun and frenetic moments of Rebellion thus far. Every decision felt important and high-stakes, like the future of this fledgling rebel alliance truly depended on the right choices. That being said, Rebellion has its slow moments, as well, focusing on infrastructure and making sure I have enough troops and fighters to keep systems well defended while still having enough resources left over to also be aggressive when I need to. These processes are more lulling, and it’s easy to forget all the things I need to do to keep this whole operation running smoothly. Before I know it, an Imperial task force enters orbit around a planet that I forgot to properly defend with fighters or toops, and I have an invasion on my hands. It’s the same reason I was never any good at competitive real-time strategy games like Starcraft—I get overwhelmed with indecision or just forget the basics in all the excitement and end up making a huge mistake.

Anyway, with the Sluis sector under control, I turned my attention to massing troops and ships, both for defense of the sector and expansion into others. I also started making the same moves simultaneously in the Dufilvan sector, home of Ord Pardron and the Rebel headquarters. No systems in this sector were under Imperial control, but all of them besides Ord Pardron were either neutral or uninhabited, so I sent Mon Mothma to sway the inhabited worlds with her unmatched diplomatic prowess, and troops to the uninhabited worlds to settle them. I also sent General Dodonna out to the Orus sector (home of Tatooine, Bakura, Ryloth, and some of the other most remote worlds of the Outer Rim) to recruit more systems to build more mines and refineries and set up my infrastructure for future fleet-construction and troop-training.

The Dufilvan and Sluis sectors find themselves in good order after a lot of hard work.

I dunno, dudes. All this military action and strategizing is really prompting quite the moral dilemma within me, even as the Alliance. As my sphere of influence grows, I question whether I am committing the same sins as the Empire, even though I’m particular about my targets and trying not to commit war crimes. There are no winners in war, only losers, right? But on the other hand, the Emperor is a total scumbag and a manipulator and was utterly calculating and deceptive in his rise to power, so let’s proceed carefully, but with full intent to jettison him into the nearest sun, shall we?

I know it won’t be easy. I think I might be off to a good start, but the Empire is bound to strike back, right?

I love this stock image of Star Destroyers booking it out of the system like the Alliance's big brother just showed up.

Really, at this point in the game, I’m having fun, but I find myself somewhat paralyzed by decision. There are so many choices to make. Expansion seems to be vital, but every system must also be defended, and how thin can I spread those defenses without a catastrophic collapse of my territory? There are certainly too many worlds to defend against one roving Imperial attack fleet, so perhaps if the Empire comes a-prowling, counterattack is the best option? Be right back, gonna test this out.

Thanks for reading, and see you next mission!

Boxart Credit: MobyGames
Header Image Credit: Steam

The Second Quest - Castlevania: Harmony of Dissonance

Mon, 12 May 2025 00:00:00 -0500

Year: 2002
Platform: Game Boy Advance
Notes: Known as Castlevania: Concerto of Midnight Sun in Japan, a much cooler title

I was 17 going on 18 the first time I played a Game Boy Advance. It happened in the summer of 2001. A long time ago. But only if you measure in terms of years. I was living in a small town in Oregon called Castle Rock—wait, no, that last part is Stand By Me. The rest is true.

Like any aspirational 17-year-old, I needed money. Money for gas, money for college, money for girls. In addition to mowing my grandparents’ lawn once a week, I helped Dad landscape around the house that summer, moving stones and dirt to build flower beds. I was weak, out of shape, and struggled to stay motivated, so, maybe not the ideal task for me. I don’t know if I was any good or not, but even if I wasn’t, Dad was still gracious enough to pay me. And, if nothing else, I’m at least able to take some of my experiences that summer, compare them to today, and know I’ve come a long way in terms of things like work ethic, energy level, and tenacity, so I’m grateful he managed to get me out there and get my hands dirty.

But anyway, my pay! With that, the world was mine. Not in the supervillain sense, just that I could do things and go places. It allowed me to eventually enroll in the seventh best university in the country, take my future wife on our first date, and even buy a drink at a gas station of my choice! Financial independence was mine, and the possibilities endless. I became, at long last, a man.

Oh wait, NOPE.

No, no no no. Forget all that. Don’t let me fool you—that money didn’t go to any of those things, except maybe the drink at a gas station. No, I used a good chunk of that pay to buy a Game Boy Advance at launch with Super Mario Advance and Castlevania: Circle of the Moon. So much for your mistaken belief that I was going places and doing something not nerd-centric with my life. Am I not a bad enough dude? You should have known better.

That all brings me to Circle of the Moon, a formative game in my teenage years. In its most basic form, it was Castlevania: Symphony of the Night on a handheld, and it made me feel like life couldn’t get any better. Sure, the color palette was dark, and given that backlit screens were not yet standard on handhelds in 2001, I had to sit in exactly the right light to have any sense of what I was doing. Nevertheless, Circle of the Moon captured my attention that summer. I dug into every dark corner and alcove of that castle to unearth its secrets and give Dracula the fight of his life, all set to an energetic and mesmerizing soundtrack we’ve all come to expect from a Castlevania game. To be fair, Super Mario Advance also excelled, but as a remake of Super Mario Bros. 2, it didn’t hit in quite the same way as Circle of the Moon.

When a sequel was announced, I readied myself to spring upon it like a fleaman on an unsuspecting vampire hunter. Castlevania: Harmony of Dissonance released in September of 2002. Considering all the fun I had playing Circle of the Moon, I anticipated more of the same. With my first semester of college on the line, I knew I’d have to limit the hours I put into Harmony. Could I manage my time with another huge hit in my Game Boy Advance library?

Well, if you’re curious as to why I got a D in German 100 that semester, I can assure you it wasn’t because of Harmony of Dissonance. My disappointment shocked me. A bad Castlevania game? Say it isn’t so. Remember, I loved Circle of the Moon, but I felt like Harmony of Dissonance lacked all of the qualities that made Circle of the Moon good. The music underwhelmed, movement felt stiff and awkward, and the dual-castle design and exploration thereof introduced tedium and confusion to the formula, especially before Juste Belmont gains access to fast-travel. Man, what happened here? I’m pretty sure I’m in the minority—it’s possible I’m not enough of an intellectual or a powergamer to appreciate the nuances of Harmony of Dissonance, but my overwhelming memory is of a game that didn’t speak to me.

Nevertheless, I guess I beat it? The game file on my cartridge, untouched since 2002, looks complete. I never went back—this game didn’t do it for me, and I’ve been quick to criticize it ever since. Nevertheless, when it comes to curiosity mixed with my beloved Castlevania franchise, even a discarded, subpar entry deserves a second look. A second quest, if you will. Let’s talk about Castlevania: Harmony of Dissonance, and see if it can’t redeem itself in my older, wiser, still-bad-at-German years.

Here’s your brief plot synopsis to get us going. Juste “Grandson of Simon” Belmont and his friend Maxim explore a castle where they suspect their friend, Lydie, is held captive. Juste encounters the Grim Reaper, who reveals that it’s Dracula’s castle, which means it’s time for Juste to face his destiny and engage in traditional Belmont-versus-vampire combat with the life of Lydie on the line, and perhaps the sanity of his buddy Maxim, too.

Starting out, I got a feel for Juste and his controls. Juste’s sprite got a size up from Nathan Graves in Circle of the Moon, and always emits a bright blue aura. Circle of the Moon takes a fair amount of criticism for how dark it is, so I guess Harmony of Dissonance producer Koji Igarashi decided to make certain I’d never lose track of Juste. It’s the Castlevania equivalent of the other characters asking “Where’s Poochie?” whenever Poochie’s not on screen.

Juste’s jumping animation looks and feels oddly stiff, too, like his legs can’t bend at the knees. He needs significantly more recovery time between whip lashes than the average Belmont, so I struggled with the weight and unresponsiveness of the whip until I got into a rhythm, and got my Belmont butt handed to me by Victory Armors and Feather Demons on a number of occasions in the early-going. Honestly, none of these were a dealbreaker to continuing the game—they just took some time to get used to. Movement would improve drastically in the third GBA installment, Aria of Sorrow.

No better therapy than pacing back and forth in the main hall of Dracula's castle whippin' an endless number of zombies.

On the plus side, Juste has a snappy dash to the left or right via the shoulder buttons, and this move proved essential to traversing the castle in a timely fashion and overcoming some of the more tedious bits of exploration. Alucard mentions in Symphony of the Night that the castle is a creature of chaos and assumes many forms. Well, lemme tell you something, my friend. The assumed form in Harmony of Dissonance leans into extreme navigational confusion to annoy and confound intruders. Which, hey, that’s not a bad plan. There are THREE different types of locked doors (four if you count crushable walls), which all require a different type of key or item to open, plus other obstacles demanding the standard Castlevania faire like the double jump, slide, and high-jump. I made a lot of long walks across the castle trying to find my way around gated areas, only to be stymied by another obstacle. Not only that, there was so much ground to cover that, even with a map, I would forget where gates were and what kind of gates they were, so I spent an inordinate amount of time walking in circles. I should have taken notes.

I mentioned the dual castle design earlier, which only exacerbates this navigational nightmare. Certain doorways transport Juste not just to another part of the castle, but another castle entirely. The two castles layer on top of each other—the enemies and backgrounds change, but the layout remains constant. Some actions performed in one castle will often influence something in the other. For example, hitting a switch in one castle might collapse a wall in another, which is clever and fun. It reminds me of the Star Trek: Voyager episode Deadlock, where two Voyagers occupy the same space in different dimensions, and the actions of one ship and crew often influence those in the other dimension. Unfortunately, there aren’t enough instances of these cause-and-effect scenarios to keep the dual castle design interesting throughout. At least in Symphony of the Night, one of the castles was upside down to create obvious visual distinction between the two, but here, it was easy to forget which castle I was in. The one thing that Harmony does better than Symphony is easier movement between castles—there are doorways scattered throughout, whereas Symphony requires either the use of a Library Card item, or a trip to Dracula’s throne room to switch castles. At least the castle designs, in stark contrast to Circle of the Moon, are bright and colorful, although it might be to the game’s detriment in some circumstances where it gets too garish.

These caves can be especially confusing. The color changes depending on which castle Juste is in, but they otherwise look the same.

While I had my fair share of trouble with Harmony’s standard enemies, the bosses do not qualify as Bad Enough Dudes material. Too many of them just stand in one spot or amble back and forth a bit, occasionally throwing an attack Juste’s way. They don’t show a lot of urgency in trying to stop Juste from wrecking them or their master. Living Armor and Skull Knight, in particular, seemed to just stand there and let me pepper them with whip attacks while thinking hard about trying to stop me. This is not to say some of the bosses weren’t tough, but otherwise, I guess Dracula didn’t see Juste as a threat and called up a bunch of minor leaguers to fill out his boss ranks in this adventure. Subweapons did a lot to mitigate the boss threat, as well.

Speaking of subweapons, Harmony of Dissonance features a spellbook system that allows Juste to augment the traditional Castlevania subweapons (cross, axe, holy water, and so on) with magical enhancements. For example, combining the cross with one of the books (I don’t remember which one) causes a bunch of crosses to rotate around Juste and pile up damage on surrounding enemies. It’s a decent system that adds a lot of variety to the available attacks and encourages experimentation. That being said, I wish there was a more convenient way to switch between the regular subweapon and the spellbook-powered subweapon. You have to hit start, then select “Spellbook” from the menu, and then turn the spellbook on or off. It’s too bad this couldn’t have been assigned to one of the shoulder buttons. I like that you can dash and backdash via the shoulder buttons, but I think I’d be okay with sacrificing one of those for the ability to more easily turn the spellbook on or off. I found myself almost always leaving the spellbook on, so I barely even used hearts throughout the entire game (the spells use a separate MP bar).

The enemies in the mirror never fail to unnerve me. I'll pass three regular mirrors, and then suddenly there's a bad guy in the fourth one.

Now, normally, these Metroid-esque Castlevania games have either a main corridor or hub area with killer background music to get us all revved up to slay vampires and dig through an entire castle to scrounge up as much loot and gear as we can carry (hear: “Dracula’s Castle” from Symphony of the Night, “Awake” from Circle of the Moon, “Pitch Black Intrusion” from Dawn of Sorrow, et al). Harmony of Dissonance’s “Successor of Fate,” on the other hand, is a bit moodier and subdued, but I found it grew on me over time. While the music doesn’t compare in quality to Circle of the Moon or Aria of Sorrow, I can acknowledge that it has a bleak, sometimes jarring, sometimes subdued quality to it. It’s a melancholy, more introspective quest through the castle, and despite the technical limitations of the music, it can be charming, at times.

So how do I ultimately feel about Castlevania: Harmony of Dissonance after replaying it for the first time in 20-plus years? Yikes, 20 years?! We old. Sorry. Anyway, it’s still my least favorite of the GBA trilogy, and pretty far down the list as far as Castlevania games go. Despite all of that, it’s still Castlevania. It’s fun to explore, to try out different equipment and spellbook combinations, and learn the secrets of Dracula’s castle. It’s satisfying to return to earlier parts of the castle with new abilities and better equipment and lay waste to enemies that gave me lots of trouble earlier in the game (looking at you again, Victory Armor), and weed out all the items tucked away in the corners of the castle I couldn’t previously reach. I had fun. There, I said it. I can’t quite put it up there with Circle of the Moon and Aria of Sorrow, but I think I’ll hold on to it. It does also include a Hard mode, Maxim mode, and Boss Rush mode, so there is a lot of replayability, as well. I got past my nitpicky hangups and had a good time. You should, too!

Thanks for reading, and see you next mission!

Screenshot Credits: MobyGames

My Top 8 Games of “2024”

Tue, 25 Mar 2025 00:00:00 -0500

Welp. It finally happened. I failed to play enough games to assemble a complete Top 10, so we all have to settle for a Top 8 of 2024. You’ve been effectively robbed of commentary on two whole video games! What a disservice I have done you. The blog police are on their way, and I will turn myself over to them willingly for this outrage.

Before we get into the list, please permit me to yodel about this lack of games for a bit. I have my reasons, including some changes I need to make as a person in the coming year and beyond.

So, why only eight games? The reasons are threefold. The first is that games are not currently a priority in my life. It’s kind of a bummer, but it’s also okay! I’m pretty sure I’ve complained about this in previous entries. But, if I deprioritize games to help provide a good life for my family, that’s a change I’m going to make 100 percent of the time. A true Bad Enough Dude takes care of family first, and saves the digital universe from space monsters and Draculas later. No regrets. I have to grow up. Of course I’d like to play more games, but if it means dipping into resentment towards my family, that’s a path I can’t follow. I spent much of the last year of my life being kind of whiny. Discontent. Looking for sympathy in areas where I didn’t really need it. I like being a calm, steady presence in people’s lives, and I was beginning to feel like I wasn’t that person anymore.

Anyway, back to games. Secondly, I played a lot of comfort games this year. Stardew Valley. Ultima Online. Castlevania 2, among others. These are all games I either beat long ago, have already covered in a previous Top 10, or, in the case of Ultima Online, is this weird entity that fully captures my attention for a few weeks, and then completely vacates the premises for months or years at a time before the cycle repeats. I used to worry about backlogs and making sure I was getting my money’s worth out of my games. Now, I play what feels right in my heart. The fun is what matters.

Lastly, I do this thing with games that I don’t really do with anything else. Not books, not TV, not movies or travel or anything else that interests me. Well, maybe drawing. That’s a beast of a different breed, though. Here’s the thing: I put off games that I really want to play. It’s easy to push them away, to wait for the right time, and settle for something else in the meantime, something that I feel a bizarre obligation to play, like maybe a game I bought on sale. Again, that whole getting-my-money’s-worth thing.

As I age (whether gracefully or not is a matter of opinion), I realize more and more that there is no right time. Life is fleeting and precious. Now is the right time. Just like with the comfort games, I’m learning it’s best to always play what feels right in my heart.

All right! Now that all that prattle is out of the way, let’s talk about these alleged Top 8 games of 2024! Here are this year’s fast and loose criteria:

I beat the game for the first time in 2024 (or at the very beginning of 2025, if I played most of it in 2024). “Beat” simply means I saw the end of the game—it does not necessarily mean I’ve seen or done everything the game has to offer.
I didn’t repeat games that have made my Top 10 lists before.

Honorable Mention: Xeno Crisis (PC, 2019)

Take James Cameron’s Aliens (1986), combine it with arcade classic Smash TV, and you have Xeno Crisis. It’s a simple explanation that doesn’t really do the game justice, but it’s the most accurate way I know how to describe it. It’s a solid arena shooter, and Craig and I spent quite a bit of time with it in 2024. We didn’t do well (just like the Colonial Marines in the movie!), but it’s the fun that matters, right?

We took the mantle of space marines dropped onto a planet to deal with a Xenomorph-esque infestation. The marines have a number of moves available that make them competent fighters, and success, or any decent progress at all, boils down to using the best move at any given time. The marines can shoot (of course, assuming they have ammo available), roll to avoid danger, throw grenades, and stab enemies at close quarters. The stab is a one-hit kill, so it’s a great move for conserving ammo against enemies that soak up a lot of damage, as well as racking up extra points for taking the added risk. But, we learned it was pretty tough to land the attack without taking a hit ourselves, even with a lot of practice. The difficulty level is way up there, but the game pays appropriate homage to all the addictive and enjoyable qualities of Smash TV, re-skinned with a fun alien motif. Levels include compounds, labs, and forests, all packed with hordes of uglies ready to claw, spit, shoot, poison, and smash our heroes into nothingness. (No bug hunts here—this is definitely a stand-up fight.) There are also giant alien bosses. You probably figured that on your own, but just in case!

The only reason Xeno Crisis didn’t make it to the actual list is because I haven’t beaten it, but there’s a spoiler attached to why. It’s still a fairly new game, so I’d rather not reveal it here. Without giving away too much, let’s just say that Xeno Crisis is already controller-smashingly hard, but on top of that, it pulls a nasty trick at the end. We’ll leave it at that. Good luck.

8. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time (Arcade, 1991)

I don’t know how I never beat this until this year. While Craig and I specifically played the arcade version on the Cowabunga Collection, I’ve also never beaten the SNES version. I have beaten the remake that was on PSN and/or Xbox Live Arcade years ago, but it was just okay, and has since been lost to licensing limbo, I believe.

Not only had I not beaten Turtles in Time, I’m also grossly unfamiliar with it as opposed to the original arcade game, which Craig and I both played to death, particularly in the Xbox 360 era, where we were wiped out by Krang or Shredder probably dozens of times over the years. The world’s most fearsome fighting team, indeed! I also suffered my fair share of losses at machines found at Chuck E. Cheese (RIP) in Cape Girardeau, Missouri, the Jackson Lanes (also RIP) in Jackson, Missouri, and elsewhere.

But hey, let me get back on topic. We’re here to talk about Turtles in Time! I first played this in a mall in Salt Lake City, Utah, while on a family vacation in 1992. It was so long ago that I can’t remember anything about the experience other than losing to Baxter Stockman at the end of the first level. But, good news! Craig and I did not lose to Baxter Stockman when we played, so we got to see the rest of the game! We also had unlimited credits, so we were going to see the rest of the game regardless, but we tried to do our best, despite the temptation to throw ourselves at foot soldiers with aggressive abandon.

Turtles in Time starts off like the standard Ninja Turtles brawler, with the Turtles battling their way through a construction site, a city street, and a sewer on their way to stopping Krang and Shredder from stealing the Statue of Liberty or some other ridiculous scheme only 80s cartoon villains would hatch. After that, Shredder uses Dimension X technology to send the Turtles to the era of dinosaurs, where they begin to battle their way forward through time, visiting a pirate ship, a train in the Old West, and into the future. I had a lot of fun with the time travel and the exotic locations throughout. I thought it added variety to the formula and kept us on our toes. “My toes! My toes!” Overall, the level design and enemy variety are improvements on the original arcade game, and being almost completely unfamiliar with this one, the challenge was there, as well.

I do have distinct memories of seeing Bebop, Rocksteady, and Super Shredder associated with this game, but we didn’t encounter any of them. They must be in the Super Nintendo version, so we have incentive to check that out sometime, as well!

7. Advanced Dungeons & Dragons: Gateway to the Savage Frontier (PC, 1991)

It hasn’t come up too often in these blogs, but I love Strategic Simulations’ Pool of Radiance tetralogy, part of the “Gold Box” series of Dungeons and Dragons games from the late 80s and early 90s. I started playing these games at seven years old and sunk hundreds of hours into them over the years. The games sold so well that spinoffs naturally followed, Gateway to the Savage Frontier among them. It’s my first Gold Box game outside of the Pool of Radiance tetralogy (not counting Hillsfar or Eye of the Beholder, which are not of the same engine), and it was about time I expanded my frontiers, eh?! Sorry, I’ll see myself out.

Gateway to the Savage Frontier, like all Gold Box games, looks primitive, but is fun where it counts. Exploration takes place via first-person dungeon crawl in a tiny window in the upper-left corner of the screen (and sometimes a world map) as my party of adventurers traverse the Savage Frontier in a race against the Zhentarim (ugh, these guys are a constant thorn in my D&D side) to find four magic statues that their general, Vaalgamon, intends to use to conquer the region. Events are accompanied by nice artwork and flowery descriptions of what’s happening. Meanwhile, turn-based combat occurs on sprawling overhead maps, with movement and actions appearing as they would in a tabletop D&D campaign with miniatures. This strong tactical combat system is where Gateway and all Gold Box games stand out. Maneuvering my dudes around for advantageous attacks (backstabs, anyone?) and launching fireballs into the heart of a pack of enemies never gets old. Plus, there’s an underwater fight with some giant squid that you don’t want to miss! Although, I will point out that many of the towns in this game, which are usually safe havens, feature attacks from lesser enemies like bandits and stirges. The fights are of minimal consequence and get old really fast, which occasionally makes the combat too repetitive and inconsequential.

I think I was most impressed by Gateway’s difficulty. Being unfamiliar with the game certainly contributed to the challenge, but also the fact that money and magic items proved scarce, especially in the early going. I had minimal good gear to help turn the tide, and I often couldn’t afford to train my party members up to the next level when they were ready. By the endgame, things turned more in my favor, but I still endured tough encounters with enemies like shambling mounds, which are going to be a lot of trouble even if the party possesses a Wand of Defoliation or two. I also found the final sequence of battles to be really frustrating. Maybe others found it clever or refreshing, but I was too impatient and dumb to appreciate it. Overall, though, the difficulty hit just right.

I’ll admit that it took me way too long to finish this, and that mellowed me on the game at least a little bit. According to my notes, I started playing in 2021 and didn’t finish until early 2024. That’s too long! It wasn’t for lack of interest, just a matter of being pulled in a lot of directions and the friction of sitting down at the PC and facing the need to take notes and sometimes draw some maps. Thankfully, those notes made it much easier to remember what I was doing after each 6-month lapse in play.

P.S. if you want to read me ramble incessantly about a Gold Box game, check out my Pools of Darkness blogs on That No Good Blog!

6. Star Wars: Dark Forces (PC, 1995)

A white whale vanquished! I’ve had Dark Forces since 1996 and finally beat it in 2024. I first saw this game in action at my cousin’s house when I was 11, and my system overloaded nearly instantaneously. For one, I honestly didn’t think video game graphics could get any better. Second, it was Doom, but Star Wars! It was one thing to fight hellspawn or whatever, but the prospect of zapping stormtroopers in a corridor far far away en route to solving the mystery of the Dark Trooper was an opportunity for some real wish fulfillment—a battery-powered toy laser gun with real-light-and-sound-action™ in the backyard could only accomplish so much, you know?

Alas, our family computer was old and slow. I would have to wait for both an upgrade to the PC and until I accumulated sufficient funds to buy the game myself. Those things happened eventually, I bought Dark Forces, and before I knew it, hit a brick wall in the form of the game’s many puzzles and platforming challenges. Oh, I thought I was just going to be blasting bucketheads on my way to a fight with Boba Fett or whatever, but I appear to have died at the bottom of a gaping chasm. Whoops! This is why Luke Skywalker had movies made about him, and I, dead Kyle Katarn, have not.

Anyway, there’s this prison level I gave up on as a kid, with doors with combination locks on them, but I didn’t know the combinations and couldn’t figure out where to find said combinations. Upon finally revisiting the game many years later, I learned I had to *checks notes* check my inventory and look at datacards I picked up with the door combinations on them. Okay, that makes sense. I feel like I should have been able to figure that out even as a kid, but apparently not. Then, later, to bypass a certain unlockable door, I had to blow a hole in a wall and drop down an elevator shaft or something crazy like that. Even as an adult, I had to go to GameFAQs to figure that out. Dark Forces doesn’t mess around with its puzzles.

Despite some of the frustrations, I found great fulfillment in finishing Dark Forces at last. It’s very much a product of its time, but still fun today. I did not play the remaster, but I did use the Force Engine to bring some much-appreciated quality-of-life improvements to the classic experience.

5. Super Mario Advance 4: Super Mario Bros. 3 (Game Boy Advance, 2003, original released in 1990)

The third game in the Mario franchise is the fourth game in the Super Mario Advance franchise, which is the fifth game on this list. It’s funny how things work out sometimes!

Yes, this is Super Mario Bros. 3, a game with which I am quite familiar, and, if you’re reading this, I assume you probably are, as well. But, this is the Game Boy Advance version, and I haven’t played it, so it’s technically a new game, right?! Yes. Just say yes.

It plays about the same. Screen real estate is more restrictive than on a Nintendo or Super Nintendo, but it didn’t impact my experience. A couple of minor changes have been made to the game world, such as being able to access the mushroom house with the hammer bros. suit in it in World 6 without having to beat the deviously designed World 6-5, but I’m a big nerd, so I got the free hammer bros. suit and then went and beat 6-5 anyway. And, the Advance version has some extra game modes, as well as the sought-after e-Reader levels, but I just played the base game and haven’t looked at those, yet. I played this on Nintendo Switch Online, which mercifully includes the e-Reader levels, so I’ll check them out eventually.

Bottom line, it’s Super Mario Bros. 3, which is the best Mario, so even though I’ve played it a million times before, it makes the list on a technicality.

4. Secret Agent HD (PC, 2021, original released in 1992)

Some years back, I expressed my unabashed love for Apogee’s Crystal Caves HD when I enshrined it in one of these lists. Now, watch out! Here comes Secret Agent HD, the remake of the action-espionage game built on the same engine as Crystal Caves. I was so taken by the Crystal Caves remake that I knew Secret Agent HD would grab me in the same way. I was not mistaken—before I knew it, I’d double-oh-sixed my way through four episodes’ worth of diabolical villain compounds en route to recovering the Red Rock Rover blueprints from the bad guys. I cleared the whole game in like two weeks, unheard of in my current state of being.

The gameplay is simple enough. Taking on the mantle of 006 (I guess 007 was busy), the objective is to destroy the communications array in each level and find the dynamite to blow the exit hatch, while avoiding traps, henchmen, and robots along the way. Sometimes locked doors require keys, or laser arrays must be deactivated by inserting a found floppy disk into the appropriate computer tucked away somewhere in the level. It can be a lot to keep up with, but 006 (and me, by extension) is a competent secret agent, more than capable of overcoming the odds.

I think my favorite part of Secret Agent, Crystal Caves, Commander Keen, or any sidescroller made by Apogee or id Software in the early 90s is the veritable bounty of collectibles. Each level is ripe with magnifying glasses, tubes of toothpaste, teddy bears, money bags, and other nonsensical bonus items, just hanging in the air to be plucked by 006 for bonus points. I will happily risk it all to grab one 100-point lollipop hanging over a deadly pit of slime. The points really don’t even matter that much, but I’ve gotta have those goodies! There’s something savage, something primal, about the satisfaction I get collecting these items. It’s just like how I can’t resist collecting a million zillion coins in a Mario game, even when I already have 99 lives and don’t need them at all.

I didn’t really get enough of Secret Agent HD, but I heard it has a hard mode. Hmmm...feels like an Extra Life challenge, if you ask me!

3. SteamWorld Dig 2 (PC, 2017)

What makes digging games so satisfying? Is it the instant gratification of performing such a painstaking task so quickly and easily? Condensing perhaps the hardest thing you'll ever do in real life into one or two taps of a button? There's nothing quite like hollowing out my own mine shaft using nothing more than the Y button.

Meanwhile, what makes Metroidvanias so satisfying? Is it the sensation of being stymied by an item or a doorway just out of reach early in the game, but knowing the future acquisition of an item or ability will clear the way? The joy of losing oneself in a labyrinth and exploring every corner and crevice for every goodie and secret contained within? Maybe even having to take notes and draw maps along the way?! There's nothing quite like dropping into a vertical corridor, with a door on the left AND the right, and the opportunity to explore in both directions.

So what about a game that combines BOTH digging AND Metroidvania? That's gotta be something else, right? Well, it’s Steamworld Dig 2, and it’s pretty awesome! I played this at the beginning of the year, particularly when my wife and kids were gone for a few days at a time, and stayed up much too late unearthing gems and secrets galore, relishing the dopamine hit with each new resource collected, never stopping. Just keep digging, you fool! And if you dig too deep, we’ll just dig our way out! The only way forward is down, DOWN!

Not only that, the digging is fun and easy. As it should be in real life! Why all the digging? Well, Dorothy, the protagonist, is a robot out looking for her friend Rusty, who was the star of the original Steamworld Dig. Along with her mouthy Vectron navigator, Fen, Dorothy sets out to unearth the mystery of what happened to Rusty deep beneath the hub town of El Machino and stumbles upon a sinister plot along the way. I’ve only played a few minutes of the first Steamworld Dig, on Bad Enough Dude Jon’s Wii U some years ago. I don’t know everything that happened in that game, which created some extra mystery for me. All the references to the original made me wonder if I should go back and play it or not.

This was my first Steamworld game, and the overall game design struck me as lived-in and cohesive. El Machino and every other locale feel interconnected and influenced by one another, and the character designs are fun and fantastic. The robot residents of El Machino are a little bit Futurama, a little bit steampunk (of course), and oozing with style, personality, and function, which is maybe most important of all, being that they’re all robots.

I already mentioned the digging, but the rest of the gameplay shines, as well, like the precious treasure it is. In addition to a pickaxe, Dorothy also wields bombs, a grappling hook, a pneumatic fist, and other tools that assist with traversal and combat. A flexible upgrade system utilizing cogs discovered in the depths allowed me to enhance these tools to my liking, depending on what served me best at a given time. Combat feels like it comes to Dorothy a bit unnaturally, but I think that works in the game’s favor—she’s better at digging and moving than fighting, so when serious combat arises, especially boss battles, it feels pivotal and like there are real stakes. Getting creative and finding uses for bombs and the grappling hook are much more effective than attempting a straight-up fight in most cases.

Anyway, a real gem in more ways than one, dig into SteamWorld Dig 2 when you get a chance.

2. Super Mario Odyssey (Nintendo Switch, 2017)

Well, here’s Mario again, usually sitting somewhere near the top of these lists. This time, he’s here to stop Bowser from forcing Peach into a non-consensual wedding. Bowser fits Peach with a sentient tiara from the Cap Kingdom, so Mario teams up with the tiara’s partner, Cappy, to stop the king of the Koopas in a kingdom-hopping adventure full of more tasks and power-moon collecting than I could ever accomplish in two lifetimes. But, it’s a well-crafted game—3D Mario games have come a long way since my misadventures with Super Mario 64 years ago, and while I think Super Mario Galaxy may always be my favorite, Odyssey gives it a run.

Super Mario Odyssey is a Mario game for travel nerds. Mario treks across various kingdoms on Bowser’s tail, collecting power moons to propel the Odyssey, a hat-shaped airship from the Cap Kingdom, from land to land. Along the way, he and Cappy help residents out of quandaries and set right all of Bowser’s garbage behavior along the way, as he steals stuff from each kingdom for his perfect wedding. Meanwhile, Mario can spend coins on souvenirs and costumes, adorning the Odyssey with tchotchkes and bumper stickers from each destination. Which, let me tell you, if I could get a New Donk City sticker for the back of my airship (okay, car), that would merit serious consideration.

My favorite part of the travel aesthetic, however, is the map. Each kingdom’s map reads like a brochure, with recommended places to visit, hazards to avoid, and so on. The map itself looks like something I’d pick up at a national park. It’s so immersive I might as well actually be there, holding the map in my hands. So, here’s another game combining two of my favorite things—Mario and travel, in this case—in a way I never would have thought possible or thought I could love so much.

I mentioned my issues with Super Mario 64—I’m so glad that 3D control has come so far (and that my acumen for 3D games has come a little ways, anyway) since those days. The platforming feels ultra-precise compared to any of my previous 3D Mario experiences. Another massive quality-of-life improvement from previous 3D Marios is the ability to collect as many power moons as I want without having to exit and re-enter a level over and over again. So convenient!

I think I’m caught up on my old mainline Mario games. Does this mean I can finally buy Super Mario Bros. Wonder and then not play it for seven years? Mmmm boy.

1. Blaster Master Zero 3 (Nintendo Switch, 2021)

I don’t think Blaster Master Zero 3 would get the top spot on this list alone. Rather, its place as the culmination of the Zero trilogy—a strange, yet emotional ending to a fantastic trio of games—is why it’s here. It’s this blog’s version of The Return of the King cleaning up at the Oscars for the collective excellence of the entire Lord of the Rings trilogy. (Subscribe for more dated references!)

I didn’t get into Zero 3 at first. Like Zero 2, it felt samey and very hard at the outset. Not only that, my wife was sick when I first started playing it, so my attention was divided between the game and the kids. The circumstances around blasting again were not ideal. Fortunately, I scraped together enough upgrades and remembered the mechanics and nuances before too much time passed, and I was hooked in the same way the first two games (and their NES predecessor) got me—drive cool tank, explore caves on foot, fight lots of mutants, and revel in anime melodrama surrounding the human, Jason, falling in love with and constantly coming to the aid of the tank’s support android, Eve. Jason, Eve, and Fred (a supernatural frog of sorts) flew to planet Sophia at the end of Zero 2 (yes, in their space travel-capable tank), but were attacked by the Sophia military upon arrival and imprisoned. Jason reunites with Fred and the tank forthwith and spends the rest of the game looking for answers to their imprisonment and trying to track down Eve, whom they can only communicate with intermittently and the connection is always bad because of interdimensional interference or lack of 5G towers or whatever. Even in the future nothing works.

Speaking of interdimensional travel, it plays a big part in Zero 3. Jason must enter superdimensional space at points in the game, usually to get around an impassable obstacle in real space, collect certain items, or to defeat mutant bosses. Superdimensional space is like the Dark World—it mirrors regular space, but is weird and distorted, with all kinds of crazy mutant enemies. Superdimensional space can also be used to bypass some of the game’s really tough areas, like Sophia military installations. I wasn’t a good enough player to face those areas in real space, so I probably melted Jason’s brain sending him through the rift over and over again. Sorry, my friend.

Anyway, the gameplay here is good, but the story is why I’m here and why this game is at the top of the list. Through the trilogy, I got to meet Jason and Eve and see their relationship grow through story bits and cutscenes, through Eve getting infected by a mutant virus and Jason traversing the galaxy tirelessly in Zero 2 to cure her, and through Jason’s frustrating journey to reunite with her in Zero 3. Plus, there’s Jason’s rivalry with this jerk named Leibniz, which develops in Zero 2 and continues in Zero 3. But of course, in true melodramatic fashion, Leibniz becomes a trusted, but cranky ally through the events of Zero 3, and whose trauma stemming from the loss of their own support android I grew to understand. It’s really too much to unpack in one paragraph of a Top 8 list, but with all that going on, I had to experience the conclusion, and the twists therein are compelling, to say the least. The callbacks to the previous games in the trilogy (and the series as a whole) fill the fan-service role, and there’s even a very meta action the player must perform at the end of the game to prevent getting the sad, Lieutenant-JG Picard ending.

By the time I experienced the gut punches, life choices, and ultimate sacrifices of the real ending, I was emotionally spent. Maybe a little confused, but mostly just spent. It was the end of a long and invested journey, not unlike what I felt at the end of Pools of Darkness some years back. Now I’m just wondering if there will ever be more games—the door is open, and this loyal fan would partake, I’m sure. Get me back in that tank one more time, in the name of love and mutant annihilation.

That’s it! That’s the list! What do you think? Do you have any favorite games you played in the long-forgotten year of 2024? I don’t have a comments section, so I guess find me on Bluesky or something if you want to talk about them. Or just shout into the void—that’s what I normally do.

Thanks for reading, and see you next mission!

Some Screenshot Credits: MobyGames and Steam

Extra Life 2024 Recap

Sun, 19 Jan 2025 00:00:00 -0600

Gamers can’t resist a good list. Let’s start 2025 with a recap of the games I played during my 2024 Extra Life charity video game marathon, held on Saturday, November 2. That’s right—a big ol‘ list of classic games to start the year off right! No rankings, no snubs, no controversy. Just a list of games and probably too many words about each one.

As usual, I successfully conned many of my coworkers into marathoning with me, and as a team, we raised somewhere in the neighborhood of $1,348 for our St. Louis Children’s Miracle Network Hospitals, putting our total over the years at roughly $10,400. CMN Hospitals have directly benefited the families of coworkers and friends alike, among countless other families. It’s a cause I’m always happy to support, and Extra Life makes it easy to get involved. It’s a lot of fun and a perfect excuse to play games for 24 hours and revisit many of my retro favorites, as well as maybe check out games I’ve never played before, but have always meant to try.

So what games did I play over the 24 hours? It’s a who’s who of 8 and 16-bit nonsense, with one (count ’em, one) PC game mixed in to keep you on your toes. Let’s talk about them!

Power Blade 2 (NES)

Oh, man. Talk about an inauspicious start. I played the original Power Blade for the first time ever and beat it in a little more than an hour during the 2023 marathon. I assumed Power Blade 2 would be more of the same. How wrong I was. While I did enjoy the same platforming and boomerang-hucking action of the first Power Blade, the sequel switches up the formula with more linear gameplay and a staggering difficulty spike. Maybe Nintendo and Taito lost too much money from players beating the original on rentals? The challenge is mitigated slightly by a variety of power suits collected via defeating minibosses. These suits help Nova (portrayed by Arnold Schwarzenegger—we had this discussion last year; it’s him) cope with various level hazards. The wet suit, for example, increases Nova’s movement speed and boomerangin’ skills underwater, while the rocket suit boasts a jetpack that helps him bypass complicated platforming sequences. They weren’t enough help for me, though—I couldn’t believe how poorly I played. I finally gave up after more than an hour, having collected all of the suits, but finishing just one level. It’s a good thing I subscribe to Arnold’s Pump Club newsletter. I needed some of that Monday motivation after this sorry performance.

I think Power Blade 2 is a good game—I’ll definitely give it more time in the future, but it nearly crushed my spirit within the first hour of the marathon! A good day demanded a quick recovery. Could I pull out of an early tailspin?

Also, fun fact: Power Blade 2 takes place on Christmas Day, seemingly filling the same role in video games that Die Hard fills in cinema. I know people inexplicably discuss Christmas video games all the time, so the next time you need to be the edgy guy in the room, throw Power Blade 2’s name out there and impress/horrify your friends with deep gaming knowledge!

Chip ’n‘ Dale Rescue Rangers (NES)

I went with an easier experience for my second game of the day. While Chip ’n‘ Dale isn’t the very easiest play in the world, its kid-friendly, Disney-inspired levels are significantly easier than those found in Power Blade 2, and with no shortage of projectiles to hurl at robot dogs and weasel gangsters with plunger guns and the like, I action-platformed my way through most of the levels in short order. After a discouraging start, I needed a boost of confidence, and these two gumshoes picked up the slack for me.

Fat Cat’s base of operations inside a cat food factory gave me a fair amount of trouble, which is not an uncommon occurrence with this game. Knowing this in advance, I collected as many flower and star power-ups as I could, hoarding 1-ups in anticipation of the final level (100 flowers and 10 stars are each worth a 1-up), so as not to get a game-over at the very end. Chip ’n‘ Dale has limited continues, so while it can be forgiving, let’s not forget that it’s still an NES game ready and willing to dump me back to the title screen at the slightest hint of underperformance.

Taking the challenges in stride, I stumbled my way through the final level after numerous deaths, crushed Fat Cat, and braced for my next adventure, uncertain of what to expect.

Luckily, I did not play Chip ’n‘ Dale with a second player, a much harder experience, as poor Craig can attest.

Kabuki Quantum Fighter (NES)

Due for a revisit, Kabuki Quantum Fighter sat dormant since my first gaming marathon in 2014, before I was even playing for Extra Life! In that time, I forgot many of the game’s nuances, so adding the game to the Extra Life roster came with some hesitation.

The story of Kabuki Quantum Fighter is ludicrous and therefore must be shared. A virus has invaded Earth’s defense computer, so Scott O’Connor, a navy colonel, volunteers to be converted to raw data via the brand new Image Transfer System. The system then injects him into the defense computer where, due to his Japanese heritage, he assumes the form of a Kabuki warrior and takes the fight to the virus, which assumes the forms of traditional video game enemies and bosses. You can imagine where it goes from here: naturally, it’s a sidescrolling platformer!

To my delight, the revisit proved timely and fun. The platforming is wild and diverse, requiring much jumping, climbing, and hanging from various surfaces to avoid spikes, transformers, and poisonous goos. With a little practice, it’s not too tough and a lot of fun, with the exception of one or two extra-precise jumps, and some icy surfaces that feel way out of place. Maybe a cooling unit fritzed out. The true challenge lies in the stress of Kabuki Quantum Fighter’s boss fights, which demand pattern recognition, patience, and skill. Once the Dynamite subweapon is acquired, boss fights (sometimes) get a little easier, especially the final boss, provided I collected enough power chips along the way to power the weapon.

Another limited-continues affair, Kabuki Quantum Fighter’s final boss pushed me to the brink of a trip back to the title screen, but just when it appeared as if I would choke like a dog at the very end, my pattern recognition abilities kicked into high gear long enough for me to thwart the virus and restore the defense computer to order. Whew, a close one! Having not played the game for so long, beating it felt great, and with the bitter defeat at the hands of Power Blade 2 a couple of wins behind me now, things were looking up.

Double Dragon (NES)

I knew including Double Dragon in a marathon was a gamble. I've only beaten it once without save states. However, it's still one of my favorite NES games, and I hesitated to include it in a marathon until now due to its difficulty. Ultimately, the gamble did not pay off—I faltered during the final level on each of two attempts. It begins with two sets of trap blocks that slide out of the wall with no discernible pattern and ram into Billy Lee for big damage. On my first try, the block traps softened me up for a group of Chin enemies to finish the job, beating me into a pool of blood and slime. On my second, I lost both of my remaining lives on the block traps, themselves, and that was the end. This is the curse of Double Dragon. I rarely lose more than one life on the first three levels combined, unless I tussle with a particularly feisty Abobo. The fourth and final level wrecks me forever and always, especially the block traps at the beginning, and then that loser Willy at the end, who brings a machine gun to a fistfight. Not cool, Willy. I didn’t make it to Willy this time, but if I had, he would have been the same cheating scumbag I’ve come to know and love (to hate)!

Luckily, going into Double Dragon knowing I probably wouldn’t win, I was bemused, but undeterred by my loss and pressed on to another classic beat ’em up.

Golden Axe (Sega Genesis)

I remember a summer spent long ago, probably in junior high, with a Sega Genesis emulator and the final level of Golden Axe. It’s an extra level not included in the arcade version and ends with a final confrontation against Death Bringer, an even nastier version of the already-imposing Death Adder, the final boss of the arcade game. I rampantly abused save states to pick my way through the level bit by bit, again and again, learning its tricks and nuances, dying endlessly under the feet of skeletons, statues of warriors come to life, and other horrors. Ah, a more innocent and civilized era, apparently with all the time in the world at my disposal!

With all the practice in my younger years, I must have eventually gotten good because now, even in my old age, I can beat Golden Axe without save states. I wouldn’t call it easy, as I only had two lives left when I brought down Death Bringer, but it was great fun. Luck was on my side, however, as one of Death Bringer’s indestructible skeleton allies despawned during the fight, leaving me one less adversary to overcome.

I had so much fun with Golden Axe. It’s not a technically complex beat ’em up—no crazy combos or involved special moves or the like. But tearing through enemies with a big axe (or sword, if you’re not playing as Gilius the dwarf) feels weighty, and there’s nothing more satisfying than knocking tough skeletons off a conveniently placed ledge. It’s not too long, but challenging enough that winning feels like a major accomplishment. Oh, and the rideable mounts add a nice touch. It’s too bad I always get knocked off of them immediately, so I never get to enjoy them fully.

I didn’t remember that before the credits roll, the ending displays stats like heights, weights, and power levels of all the characters in the game, even the villagers who flee screaming in terror from Death Adder’s goons and are forgotten amidst all the action. I got an unreasonable kick out of these stats; just another little touch of fun at the end of a great brawler.

Contra 3: The Alien Wars (SNES)

When it comes to Contra, the third installment is not among my most-played. I put many hours into Super C and Operation C as a kid, and a lot into original Contra in high school. I had Contra 3, but I think I moved on from it when I beat it and haven’t revisited that often. There is really, truly nothing wrong with the game; it’s just one of those franchise milestones that I have somehow managed to neglect as compared to most fans.

That being said, I did not adequately prepare for this run and stalled out on the fifth level, one of those rotating, overhead Mode-7 affairs. The defeat left me unfazed at the time, but I think there’s a rematch with Contra 3 in my near future.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Hyperstone Heist (Sega Genesis)

The Hyperstone Heist lives in the shadow of Turtles in Time, but it’s a great Ninja Turtles game in its own right. It’s only five or six levels long, but they’re lengthy and full of surprises. I like the Hyperstone Heist in that the bosses generally have discernible patterns that can be taken advantage of, a task much harder to accomplish in the original TMNT arcade game.

I don’t have a lot of specific memories of this playthrough of The Hyperstone Heist, other than that I played as Donatello, I won, and it was another close call. This was a fairly beat ‘em up-heavy marathon, so it’s possible I was a little burnt out by the end of this one, having also played Double Dragon and Golden Axe. Hey, it’s a good genre. I really can’t get enough of games like this. Bad Enough Dude Matt also stopped by to chat, and I probably had more fun talking to him than playing. No offense to The Hyperstone Heist—Matt is pretty engaging.

Super Metroid (SNES)

Shockingly, Super Metroid, a game I play on what I believe to be a consistent basis, fell into the realm of games that I haven’t played recently enough to remember the route I normally take and the locations of many items. Or, my memory is failing. Either way, like with Kabuki Quantum Fighter, it was time for a revisit. I ran out of time to finish Super Metroid during the marathon (I am not a speedrunner, by any means), but I went back and finished it as part of a bonus stream later in the year.

I don’t have much else to add, other than that Super Metroid is still really good and reigns as a top-4 Super Nintendo game.

At this point in the marathon, I took on the three games picked by the fans as part of our donation incentives. Each year, I provide a list of Mario, Castlevania, and Mega Man games, and ask donors to pick one of each. The games that raise the most money win.

Super Mario Land (Game Boy)

I don’t know why, but I always approach Super Mario Land with trepidation. It was one of my first Game Boy games, which could be extra stressful in that beating the game had to be done on the short lifespan of four AA batteries. Super Mario Land can be stingy with lives, too (unless you’re really good at reaching the end-level bonus games), so it’s more akin to the original than to later Mario games, which seem obligated to shower the player with 1-ups in comparison. The physics of Super Mario Land are never a for-sure thing, either—it’s common to fall off or miss platforms entirely due to a jump gone awry. It’s just kind of a weird game, with enemies like spiders, sphinxes, and hopping zombies, super balls instead of fireballs, even shmup sequences! It’s the weird Mario, but absolutely worth playing, nevertheless. Maybe more so because of the weirdness.

Upon firing it up during the marathon, I again found myself uneasy about what to expect. While I did lose some lives on bad jumps in worlds 2 and 3, aside from a handful of other mishaps, it was fine, totally fine. I think I beat the game with 20-some lives stockpiled. Why do I stress out about this game?!

Castlevania II: Belmont’s Revenge (Game Boy)

Okay, now here’s a game truly worthy of my stress. I’ve only completed Belmont’s Revenge once. Honestly, most of the game is slow-paced, fairly undemanding vampire-killing action, as Christopher Belmont battles through four themed castles (plant, crystal, sky, and rock) on his way to Dracula’s castle for a final showdown with the count and, shockingly, Belmont’s own son, Soleilyu, the victim of a kidnapping and now under the thrall of Dracula.

While I say Belmont’s Revenge is undemanding, it’s not without its challenges, mostly platforming-based. There are a few precise jumps made more complicated by Christopher’s deadly-slow walking speed, like that of a slasher villain. Also, frustration mounted in a number of rooms involving riding pulleys up or down and avoiding spiked floors and ceilings along the way. The pulleys also change directions periodically to incite additional rage.

The true challenge, however, lies in the two final bosses, Soleilyu and Dracula. I spent over an hour on these two guys alone. Neither fight can be won without expert pattern recognition, requiring Christopher to dodge flying knives from his son and swirling energy orbs from the big bad. The Dracula fight, in particular, gets really nasty, where not only did I have to dodge the orbs, but also memorize the spots in the room to stand to give myself the best chance to dodge said orbs. I finally pulled it off, but wow. Probably a top-5 frustrating sequence in the history of the marathon.

I needed a much-deserved break after Belmont’s Revenge, and some easier games to cleanse the palette, too. At least the music is awesome.

Mega Man X (SNES)

Palette cleanser? Yeah, Mega Man X ought to do it. I know this game back and forth—not Mega Man 2 or Mega Man 3 levels of back-and-forth, but well enough to turn my brain off and decompress after the final boss nightmare of Belmont’s Revenge. I had a little trouble on Launch Octopus’s level, with some irritating spike-related deaths, but Mega Man X otherwise restored my confidence and provided a breather. A little food and drink did me some good, too. Thwarting Sigma and his robot mavericks gave me the boost I needed to tackle the second half of the marathon.

NES Open Tournament Golf (NES)

A Tradition Unlike Any Other™, NES Open Tournament Golf is now a part of the marathon every year. It’s relaxing and a change of pace from all the fast-paced platforming action that encompasses the majority of my playtime. I finished 7-over par, which is better than the previous year, as I recall. I’ll break even eventually, and it will be a momentous day!

Castlevania II: Simon’s Quest Randomizer (NES)

Maybe the most interesting experience of the 2024 marathon, I tried a Castlevania II randomizer for the first time. I kept things basic, only randomizing item locations and prices. Nothing crazy like randomizing the map or the types of enemies in a given location, or enabling the mode that kills Simon in one hit. I’m already gaming for 24 hours straight—what more do you want from me?!

I love Castlevania II and play it all the time—the difficulty, action, music, and length (not to mention my familiarity with it) combine for the perfect experience when I want to play something quick and low-stakes that I know I can finish. It’s an experience that truly allows me to turn off my brain and enjoy mindless fun. Playing it with shuffled item locations forced me to really think for the first time while playing it in literal decades. I adapted to missing items, skipping certain actions and locations, rerouting Simon as best I could. I missed holy water in a big way—it allows the breaking of certain blocks, and I didn’t have it until the endgame (it’s normally the second item I pick up), which meant that once I finally acquired it, I had to backtrack to a number of shopkeepers gated behind breakable blocks to find all the items needed to access Dracula’s castle.

My big mistake? I had Dracula’s nail for much of the run, and forgot that, when equipped, the nail empowers the whip to break the same blocks as holy water. Whoops. But, it’s okay! It made for a much more challenging and robust adventure, and I never found myself in an unwinnable scenario, although there were some close calls where I almost gave up. Luckily, I kept thinking of one more option that ultimately worked out. The only item I didn’t find was the silver knife, which isn’t required, anyway. I would like to try this again! What a great time!

Ultima Online (PC)

Each year, I like to allow myself an indulgence during the marathon’s overnight hours, a game that I know won’t be entertaining to the casual observer, but that I’ve been itching to play. Most everybody is asleep, so I’m not too concerned about views or broad appeal or whatever at this stage. In the past, I’ve used this time to play lengthy niche-licensed affairs like Godzilla: Monster of Monsters on NES, or roguelites like Sword of the Stars: The Pit on PC. It’s a great opportunity to dive into something that will consume a lot of time, keep me engaged, and isn’t too reflex-intensive.

This year, I took the opportunity to try out Ultima Online’s New Legacy server, which I blogged about in my previous entry. I won’t rehash too much here—it wasn’t a perfect experience, but I had fun and was happy to see this 27-year old game try something new and different. Half-heartedly narrating the story segments probably helped keep me awake, too, so I appreciated their inclusion.

Final Fantasy: Mystic Quest (SNES)

At last, the grand finale! Mystic Quest gets a bad rap as “Baby’s First RPG,” and while no, it’s not terribly difficult or ambitious, the randomness of battle requires some thought and strategy to overcome. Fortunately, not so much thought and strategy that I couldn’t play it in the final hours of the marathon, with brain and reflexes so addled that it was difficult to put together two consecutive actions without serious effort. Hey, I think I did pretty well, as a matter of fact! I got two of the four crystals in about three and a half hours. Granted, they were the easy crystals, but the feat was worth a couple of celebratory coffees, at least. Did I get those coffees? I hope so. Events following the marathon are pretty fuzzy.

I’d like to thank Mystic Quest’s killer score for keeping me awake during these last, most incoherent hours. Nothing like a Mystic Quest boss encounter to get those sleepy synapses firing once more.

That’s it! That’s the list!

There you have it! As always, thanks to everyone who contributed to the marathon: my coworkers for keeping things fun in real life, Mod Melissa for keeping the chat active, any friends, family, or strangers who dropped by the stream or the office while we played, anybody who provided food, and finally, all the donors whose contributions to the cause make this whole endeavor worthwhile every year.

I’m sure we’ll be doing this again in 2025. In fact, if you’re completely nuts and feel compelled to get a very early donation in, I’m already registered. Let’s go.

As always, thank you for reading, and stay tuned for another list! A top games of 2024 list, perhaps?!

Sources

Power Blade 2 Manual via Digital Press
Chip ‘n’ Dale Rescue Rangers Manual via Digital Press
Kabuki Quantum Fighter Manual via Digital Press
Castlevania II: Belmont’s Revenge Manual via The Internet Archive
Screenshot credits: MobyGames

Ultima Online and the Endless Dabble

Thu, 19 Dec 2024 00:00:00 -0600

Year: 1997
Platform: PC
Notes: We go way back.

A man appears, summoned by forces beyond thought or understanding. The world is familiar, and yet it isn't. He has been here before, and yet he hasn’t. The same Britannia, but decades later. (Or maybe earlier?) The present blends with antiquity, friends and foes long gone, the echoes of ancient battles and adventures nipping at the edges of consciousness. An innate set of skills. Meager equipment. Ahead, a crossroads. He sets out, a quest beginning again in a world of endless possibility.

Oh, no. I’m back in Ultima Online. How did I get here?

If you check the classic content section of this blog, you might find a post I wrote for the 20th anniversary of Ultima Online WAY back in 2017, the Before Times. The last time I checked in on the game in a serious way was during the pandemic, when I didn’t have anything better to do. I have since dabbled here and there, maybe a week or so at a time, before parting ways again for months or years. It’s probably the insane behavior of a once-addicted player who will never be able to fully let go, and I’m willing to acknowledge that. Ultima Online played an enormous role in my life for a number of years, and I will always feel warmth, fun, and familiarity from firing it up every so often, no matter how dated or janky its presentation. The open-world sandbox style, deep skillset customization, and nigh-limitless custom housing options offer gads of appeal in the face of newer, technologically superior massively multiplayer games.

I ride my horse into buildings all the time it’s fine nobody cares. - At the inn in New Haven

Before I get into my recent history with UO, and what specifically brought me back this time, let me share a few details on what playing an MMO is like for me in the year 2024, as opposed to 1999, when I had unlimited time, no responsibility, and could exist competently on three hours of sleep and a couple cans of Vess cream soda. While I do technically “play” Ultima Online, I just have an Endless Journey account, which is UO’s free-to-play option, because I’m only logged in 45 minutes at a time here and there, hardly enough to justify the $12.99 monthly fee for a paid account. As spastic and unpredictable as life in this household can be, paying monthly for an MMO would be akin to dropping my money directly into a volcano, without the added spectacle of getting to watch my money burn up in a bunch of lava. There’s a reason this family doesn’t spend much on streaming—we’re lucky to scrape together an hour of TV time a week. Want to watch a movie? Plan to spread it across a dozen 10-to-15-minute viewing sessions, because time is short and movies are long. I missed a handful of Marvel movies, and it took me years to catch up.

Anyway, on the free-to-play account, I’m subject to certain limitations. I can’t own a house or a boat, my bank box is limited to 20 items, and I can’t harvest higher-tier crafting materials. I’m sure other restrictions apply, but I’m too casual to know what they are. I’m probably missing something fantastic. Arrgh! Although, I will say, with no house and a 20-item bank box limit, I can’t hoard items, saving me the trouble of sifting through crate after crate of things I think I’ll need later. (I won’t.) I keep essentials only—bandages, arrows, potions, some spare weapons and armor. That’s it. That’s the list. It’s refreshing for an RPG. Let us not discuss my Skyrim inventory, encumbered by every cheese wheel and pewter goblet in the land.

Speaking of Skyrim, here's a moongate, one of Ultima Online’s methods of fast-travel. - Just outside New Haven

I have two characters who never really make any progress because I keep fiddling with their skills and can’t figure out what to do with them. There’s Schneider, who began life as a crafter, converted to an adventuring lumberjack, and is now a ranger, trading his axe for a bow and quarterstaff. His brother, Scholtz, hasn’t received much attention lately. He was a samurai, and then I started to convert him to a stealthy lockpicking treasure hunter. Now I might just have him craft gear for Schneider. Maybe he can pick locks, too? I haven’t decided yet. I haven’t trained a skill above 75 in years. The max level of a skill is 100. Power scrolls can raise some skills to 120, but hey, let’s not get into the minutiae here. I’m just dabbling.

Schneider gets ready to battle an ettin. He might die. I mean Schneider, not the ettin. - Just outside New Haven

So, I have to talk to you about the specific reason why I came back to Ultima Online this time. It centers around the launch of something called New Legacy, an all-new server featuring seasonal content, a story-driven narrative, accelerated skill gain, quests, boss battles, and a lot of other elements foreign to what is otherwise a sandbox-style game, where players typically craft their own narratives and objectives. Seeing UO try something new for the first time in nearly a decade (no exaggeration—their last expansion came out in 2015) caught my attention, so I had to try out the new game mode for myself.

I created a new character, also named Scholtz, because coming up with character names is time-consuming and mentally overwhelming, and dipped my toe into New Legacy for the first time. I emerged from a strange portal just outside the city of Occlo. As I reached a crossroads, a hooded figure gave me the option of the narrative path, or to immediately join the frontlines and start fighting. The narrative path is the new and different approach for UO, so that’s what I chose to investigate. The introduction was exceedingly basic—walk from building to building in Occlo and essentially meet all the NPCs in town. But soon enough, I got to choose a profession (warrior) and received a task to kill a bunch of rats in the library cellar. Finally! A thrilling task worthy of my RPG acumen! I moved on from rats to battle some restless dead in the crypts below the Occlo cemetery, and eventually got the option to continue as a warrior, or specialize as a ranger. I went the ranger route—I never used archery in any game until UO, back in 1999 or 2000, when a friend suggested I pick it up. It was a great addition to my character, and I have since used archery a lot in RPGs. I like to have a melee skill, as well, but in New Legacy, I am limited to just archery for now. We’ll see if I get the option to add a melee skill moving forward.

Upon choosing the path of the ranger, unseen forces teleported me to the city of Skara Brae, home of the ranger’s guild. Here, I got more quests, mostly battling brigands at a nearby camp and wraiths at the Hag Ruins, which awarded me points to distribute among my ranger skills. This is a new approach to skill gain in UO—prior to New Legacy, the only way to raise skills was to use them. Again and again. So much skill use that my gaming friends back in high school called Ultima Online “Work: The Game.” That is not an entirely inaccurate analysis, and parallels real life more than I’d care to admit. Getting good at anything takes a lot of dedication, repetition, patience, and practice. Just like real life! But, the rewards of achieving grandmaster status (or “GMing”) in a skill are worth the journey. New Legacy potentially makes the trek to grandmaster a little more palatable when time is of the essence, so I like that. I’ve raised each of my ranger skills to 70 thus far, and I’m itching to get back in there and see what happens next.

I know this looks deeply incriminating, but I can assure you, those corpses are all bad guys. - At the brigand camp outside of Skara Brae

The downside to this narrative-driven skill gain is the lack of customization. In vanilla UO, there are 700 skill points to distribute among as many skills as I’d like. The customization runs deep, but the more I diversify, the less skilled my character can be in each ability, something that’s also relatable in real life. I will forever and always have too many interests and never be great at any of them. I’m like a real life Red Mage from the first Final Fantasy, but I like the Red Mage, so I guess I’m embracing it. New Legacy, however, limits Scholtz to six skills, with points left over for a seventh, but I think I might have to have a paid account to unlock that extra bit of customization. We’ll see when I get there, if I get there.

Honestly, New Legacy might be one of the best things to happen to UO in quite some time, and I say that as an admitted skeptic coming in. Despite the limited customization of a character, the accelerated skill gain brings a level of accessibility to busy grown-up gamers like me who’d like to make some semblance of progress, rather than crafting ten thousand suits of armor to gain 0.1 skill in blacksmithing. The downside is that after a year, a cataclysm wipes out the server (remember, New Legacy is seasonal), and as an Endless Journey player, I must pay to transfer my character to one of the standard servers, so that quick skill gain has its shortcomings.

Another big change in New Legacy that caught my attention concerns magic items. Back in the day (ugh, because I can’t help making myself sound as old as possible here), magic weapons had accuracy and/or damage bonuses, and armor had defense and/or durability bonuses. That was it. The bonuses had specific names and tiers, and were easy to understand. In modern UO, magic items have a million different characteristics—damage types/resistances, skill bonuses, stat bonuses, swing speed bonuses, hit chance increases, and more. It’s a lot like loot in Diablo, but deciphering all of the item traits baffles me in a way Diablo loot never has. The bonuses are too granular, and even weak enemies burst with magical loot upon defeat, which means a lot of time spent scrutinizing magic items. Altogether, all these item statistics make it almost impossible to determine if the war axe I just picked up is better or worse than the one I already possess. It’s maddening, and I ultimately discard most of the loot I find so I don’t have to waste time deciding if it would be better to have a helmet with 15% physical resist and 10% energy resist, or a helmet with 14% physical resist and 11% energy resist. Mercifully, New Legacy returns to the old system, which means that I know what the heck my magic items do at a quick glance. For a dabbler like me, it’s a big deal. I’m never going to kill anything stronger than low-level skeletons or leave the newbie area of the game as it is, so expecting me to also spend time micromanaging my equipment is too much to ask.

About to fight a horde of low-level undead, because I never skill up enough to fight anything stronger. Also, a bear is here for some reason. - Just outside Old Haven

So, this is it. This is how I play Ultima Online. I dabble endlessly. I get temporarily obsessed, switch up my characters’ skills, raise them to around 70, and then rapidly lose interest and move on to another game. Months or years later, I’ll pick it up again and repeat the process, having long forgotten what I was doing with my characters. I never reached what would be considered endgame content. Even when I played until my eyes bled in high school, I invested so much of my time in the roleplaying community that I didn’t actually see much of the game world, unless a roleplaying event happened to take us to an exotic location. Much new content debuted in subsequent expansions, as well, so I will probably never find myself running out of things to see or do, even on a free account. For me, this is great. It’s all I need. I fulfill my periodic urges to play without spending any money or investing in Britannian real estate. I fight some monsters, raise some skills, and wander aimlessly looking for purpose. It’s fun...in a perhaps nihilistic sort of way.

Scholtz at the Bank of Britain. The dude in the orange cape was on his way over to me to talk about quantum physics or something; I think he was on a drug.

I see my Ultima Online experience as something of a microcosm of my overall year in gaming—dabbling in a lot of games, wrapping up a couple of games I already had in-progress, but never committing to anything new and big. It’s been tough to find the time to devote to it, and if I start a new game, I want time to dive in and really enjoy it rather than play it half an hour, forget about it, and start another new game the next week (or just play more Stardew Valley or UO). Instead, I dabble in lots of games that don’t require a large time commitment in a single sitting. I did recently start Super Mario Odyssey, which might finally be my big gaming commitment of the year, assuming life allows me to stick with it.

In the meantime, however, I have some skills to raise to 75. Will that be the end of my latest Ultima Online obsession, like it usually is, or will New Legacy help to hold my interest? Time, in more ways than one, will tell.

Thanks for reading, and see you next mission!

Cover Art Credit: MobyGames
Title Card Art Credit: Tim and Greg Hildebrandt

I Finally Gave Up on X-Wing Alliance

Fri, 25 Oct 2024 00:00:00 -0500

Year: 1999
Platform: PC
Notes: Likes long walks on the beach, merlot, and lasers set to dual-fire.

I had a bad breakup. With a video game. But surely this has happened to you, too, right? This should be relatable. Unless you’re the baddest of dudes, you’ve broken up with a game at some point in your video adventures. Maybe it wasn’t the game you expected. Maybe you rage-quit for the last time. Or maybe you rage-beat the game after weeks or months of frustration, ripped the disc from the console, and crushed it in your bare hands, like Craig did with some poor NBA 2K game of the Xbox 360 era. To be clear, the Bad Enough Dudes do NOT condone violence against games, but we’ve had our dark days, our weak moments.

The worst part about this breakup? I said goodbye to one of my favorite PC games of all time. Let’s talk about Star Wars: X-Wing Alliance.

X-Wing Alliance is my favorite Star Wars flight sim game of the 1990s, and arguably my favorite Star Wars game, period. I was so excited about it that I bought it while I was on vacation with my parents, across the country in Portland, Oregon, because I happened to see it at the store and didn’t want to miss it. (And I didn’t have to pay sales tax, thank you very much.) It’s about an aspiring pilot, Ace Azzameen, whose merchant family becomes embroiled in a feud with another merchant family, the Empire gets involved on behalf of the rival, Ace and his family are displaced, his father is killed, and Ace ends up joining the Rebellion and becoming a key starfighter pilot in the events leading up to the Battle of Endor.

At first play, X-Wing Alliance instantly sunk its landing gear in me. I think it’s a little more accessible than X-Wing or TIE Fighter in terms of difficulty (emphasis on a little more—much more on that later), the story is good, and the experience just feels more alive than that of the previous two games. The additions of things like Ace’s crew quarters (and all the tchotchkes he accumulates on his adventures that he keeps in there), the interactions with his family, and receiving in-game email makes everything feel so much more immersive than the previous two games. Let us also not forget Emkay, Ace’s wise-cracking, trigger-happy droid copilot on the YT-2000 freighter Otana, which Ace flies on family business in-between missions for the Rebellion. Any time I play this game, I really feel like I’m a part of the Star Wars universe, really serving aboard the cruiser Defiance (had to double-check that—Star Wars has the Defiance, Star Trek has the Defiant), thanks to all of these well crafted details and extras.

I mix them up more often than I'd care to admit.

One of the great bits of Star Wars lore that X-Wing Alliance covers, and probably my favorite part of the game, is the discovery of the second Death Star. Ace helps the Rebellion perform recon on Imperial convoys, which turn out to be carrying massive amounts of raw materials, so the rebels know something big is afoot. Later in the campaign, the Bothans peg an unassuming freighter as carrying the plans for the second Death Star, the rebels capture it, and all the pieces are put together. Ace and his mothership spend the next few missions pursued by Vader in the Super Star Destroyer Executor, and many battles are fought in the shadow of that massive ship before the good guys finally manage to escape. It’s a thrilling sequence of events, and I found the experience of taking part in the lead-up to Return of the Jedi to be a real treat.

No amount of distance makes the Executor any less intimidating.

In terms of gameplay, X-Wing Alliance is even more fun and feature-filled than TIE Fighter, and this time, I got to play as the good guys, which gives the game an even greater boost over its predecessor. Sure, every angsty and pubescent Star Wars fan has that brief phase where they decide the Empire is cool (and maybe even set up their bedroom like the bridge of the Star Destroyer Chimaera...who ME?!), but X-Wing Alliance did its part in bringing me back to the light side.

Sadly, I never finished X-Wing Alliance. Not in 1999, not even in 2009. The final mission—I just couldn’t do it. It’s an absolutely bonkers core run of the second Death Star, complete with a secondary objective of eliminating the superlaser power source, zero-gravity stormtrooper attacks (these guys are nearly impossible to bullseye), and plenty of other surprises. I was just never good enough to see it through to the end. Of course, it’s on YouTube, if you want to see a better player actually finish it. It’s a fun interpretation of the core run, just too tough for me.

Eventually, X-Wing Alliance stopped working. My PC’s operating system outpaced it, and I couldn’t play it anymore, and I wasn’t willing or educated enough to make it work. Luckily, some years later, X-Wing Alliance Upgrade, a massive fan-made modernization effort, came along, which enhanced the graphics and made the game playable on modern operating systems.

Hyperspace just looks so pretty.

Like a sleepy patrol rocked into action by a Star Destroyer dropping out of hyperspace in-system, I took notice. I gave the upgrade a shot, and...it almost worked! The game loaded and everything looked great, but I struggled with my controller. As a flight sim fan, but not a true aficionado, I only owned a gamepad, not a flight stick, and I just couldn’t get the configuration right. My starfighter rolled uncontrollably, or drifted, or bounced around while trying to aim my lasers at a target. Nothing I did quite got it right.

So, I shelved X-Wing Alliance again, dejected. I grew weary of tinkering with it. In frustration, I uninstalled everything so I wouldn’t be tempted to futz around with it anymore.

Fast-forward some years later, when the itch returned. Blast it, I just wanted to fly an X-Wing. I reinstalled everything. I don’t recall what I did differently this time with the controller, absolutely no memory of it whatsoever, but it worked. The Force was with me, after all. At last, X-Wing Alliance on a modern PC, waxing TIE fighters and ripping through space with the bonus of gloriously upgraded graphics.

So where did it go wrong? You saw the title of this post, which means you know this doesn’t end well. All this struggle and years of frustration, followed by a solution, followed by just giving up?! What happened?

Ace's quarters, with Emkay keeping watch over all his cool trinkets.

That’s easy. I’m 40 years old now, and X-Wing Alliance is a mission-based game. What does that mean? Well, let’s say I’m engaged in a particularly difficult mission, and maybe that mission lasts 15 minutes. If I get 13 minutes into that mission and fail, I have to do the mission all over again. If I really get mired in it, I might have to play that mission over and over again before I finally get it right. Before I know it, my time for gaming is up for the evening, I’ve accomplished nothing, and I might not get time to play again for another week, for all I know.

So? Git gud, right? Practice, get better, keep trying until I win? Nope. That is great advice for 15-year old me, with no job, spouse, or kids, and minimal responsibilities. In those days, I could play games like this. Today, I can’t. I can’t use my limited time for games to fail a lengthy mission over and over again. It’s not like getting stuck on a level in an NES platformer, where I can fail and adapt quickly. The time commitment for one difficult mission is too much. If you’re an X-Wing Alliance player and wonder which one did me in, it was this one. Battle 5, Mission 2: Attack Imperial Convoy. I got so mad at it that I actually skipped the mission (which I have never done in all my years of playing this game), and then the next mission, Battle 5, Mission 3: Break Emon Out of Brig, was the exact same deal—I made it 12 or 13 minutes into the mission and gagged. Mission failed. I took a break from the game and found that I didn’t want to go back. That was a rough moment.

The A-Wing is my favorite rebel fighter. It can't take many hits, but it's SO fast.

The older I get, I find myself coming to terms, more and more, with playing less games, and no longer being able to realistically play certain games I used to be able to play. I only have one life (in the real world, I mean). While I appreciate a good challenge in a game, the older I get, the less patience I have for excessive frustration. That is, unfortunately, the point I reached with X-Wing Alliance, so I parted ways with it. It’s a game of a different era, one not compatible with my current lifestyle. It’s really a shame, because it’s such an amazing game. It’s not a matter of getting good; it’s a matter of time, a commodity too precious to waste on multiple long, failed attempts at beating a mission, with no guarantee that the next mission won’t bring more trouble. It’s a good thing I have all these Rogue Squadron novels from the 90s to fill that X-wing-shaped void in my heart.

Before I go, I do want to point out a couple of bugs I encountered along the way that were frustrating at the time, but pretty amusing in hindsight:

One of the other Azzameen family ships was supposed to pick up a container, but instead ran into it and destroyed it, causing us to fail the mission. Oops. I guess these things even happen in the Star Wars universe.
My squad of Y-wings was supposed to use ion cannons to disable a freighter for capture. Instead, my AI-wingmen all opened fire with their lasers and destroyed the freighter outright, causing us to fail the mission. Did you guys not go to the briefing? The next time I ran the mission, they behaved normally.

Truly, X-Wing Alliance and I are, and maybe forever will be, star-crossed lovers. It was meant to be, and yet clearly, it wasn’t. I have great memories with the game. I highly recommend it to any gaming Star Wars fan. But at this moment in my life, I can’t commit. Maybe when I have more time. Maybe when I retire (if that’s still a thing when I’m of-age). In the meantime, maybe all hope is not lost, because there is another....

Thanks for reading, and see you next mission!

Screenshot Credits: LPhoenix on YouTube
Cover Art Credits: MobyGames

Sick Days in Stardew Valley

Thu, 10 Oct 2024 00:00:00 -0500

Year: 2016
Platform: Nintendo Switch
Notes: My third most-played game on the console, trailing only Breath of the Wild and Skyrim

July was a rough month. Maybe August and September were rough months, too, since I’m just now blogging about July in October. Man, what is going on this year? It’s a struggle to find time to breathe, much less do anything else.

Anyway, July! July was definitely a rough month. Our oldest caught a bad summer cold and was down and out of action for a week. Then, I caught her cold and was off my game for a few days, myself. A cough was keeping me up at night, so I resorted to Nyquil to get decent sleep. I started feeling better, but the cough persisted. I hate how Nyquil makes me feel the next day, so I tried Children’s Robitussin, instead. It's for children, right? I can handle this.

I was up until 2am. My brain wouldn’t shut off, hyper-focusing on one matter or another. In particular, I couldn’t stop thinking about a book I was reading about the history of ESPN, and I suffered through a waking dream playing the role of an ESPN executive trying to deal with Keith Olberbann’s diva-esque tendencies behind the scenes. Was it the Robitussin? I’ll never take that again. I had to take Nyquil one more time just to knock myself out for the night. (I did not solve the Keith Olbermann problem.)

I felt worse the next morning, like the cold was coming back. Was I sick again? I went to work, but I didn’t accomplish much, especially as the day went on. I finally gave up at around three in the afternoon. I took the next day off, still under the impression I was trying to shake a summer cold. It turns out I had COVID, which didn’t occur to me until a couple of days later, when I realized I couldn’t smell Vicks. Down and out with two consecutive illnesses in the middle of summer. What a waste. I ended up losing two and half weeks to illness and recovery (three if you also count my daughter’s initial illness). The bizarre inability to sleep must have been a bonus COVID symptom and not a side effect of the Robitussin, as I continued to have trouble sleeping for several more days. Forget what I said about never buying Robitussin again. It’s fine. Keep buying it, I guess.

I stayed in bed most of the next couple of days. Three things kept me going: obscene amounts of Sprite and Gatorade, and Stardew Valley, 2024’s ultimate “I have 15 minutes, let’s play something” game. As I had no energy to invest in starting a new game, Stardew Valley stepped in, once again, as my go-to comfort game in a constant state of feeling overwhelmed by life, illness, or otherwise.

Keeping busy in the shed during the cold part of the year.

Those bedridden days were spent wrapping up autumn of year three at the farm. Summer and autumn mean extra work due to the large plot of corn I maintain during that time of year. I also ramped up honey production to start making mead, which I didn’t even realize was an option the game offered until recently. On top of that, it’s been business as usual: a big garden, and a lot of cheese and mayonnaise production. I also have blueberries and cranberries and coffee beans growing in the greenhouse year-round, which are used to make wine and jam and...well, coffee. On a rainy day, I might visit the mine, run some errands for the townsfolk, or visit the Skull Cavern if I’m feeling particularly adventurous. I’m keeping Doc Harvey in business with my ill-fated runs to the Skull Cavern, let me tell ya, mostly because of these things.

Beginning to ramp up honey production. I need another row of bee hives to the right.

I’m amazed at how many life lessons Stardew Valley reinforces in one way or another, particularly relating to time. As I mentioned in another post, the temptation to add more and more to the farm—more fields, more animals, more pickling jars, and so on—challenges me any time I have money for new assets (or when money is low and I’m looking for a new revenue stream). Squeeze a few more minutes out of every day for a little more production of one form or another, right? But, as I’ve learned the hard way in real life, again and again, it’s easy to commit to so many projects at a time that there isn’t actually time to complete them all, leading to work being done poorly or not at all, a lot of personal frustration, and tension with family. Just trying to maintain a blog, with a little bit of hobby-level digital art and comics creation on the side, is a tremendous challenge in this season of life. If I try to do too much, the fun evaporates from all of my projects. Stardew Valley is the same way: commit to too much work on the farm, the work starts to suffer, and so does the idea of playing the game in the first place. It’s all about balance.

Being sick certainly has a way of helping me reflect and rediscover my perspective, as illness typically comes at a time when stress and life are out of hand. Look, I’m a simple Stardew player. I’m not here to maximize profits and look up the answers to all the secrets so I can 100-percent the game in as little time as possible. I want to relax, explore, discover things on my own, make thoughtful choices, and have a good time. If that means less wealth and a less efficient farm, that’s cool. I’d like to believe it all parallels my approach to real life, at least to some extent.

The always-busy cellar, where everything is aged to dank perfection.

While still in recovery from COVID, autumn changed to winter, and it got me thinking about routine—again, both in the game and in life. Winter is a tough season for me in Stardew. Crops don’t grow (except for the ones in the greenhouse, more on that later), animals stay in their houses, and there is generally so much less work to do. That should be a good thing, right? It ultimately is, but it proves challenging at first because it throws me out of my routine. Maintaining a routine is how I get all the daily tasks done on the farm, so when I suddenly don’t have to do a bunch of those tasks, I’m thrown off for a time.

Eventually, I adapt. I spend more time in the greenhouse, where I’m cultivating a year-round ancient fruit crop and gradually phasing out my blueberries and cranberries (but not the coffee plants—I need those triple shot espressos to get around quickly). I mine stone and chop wood for future building projects. I help people around town. Basically, I do all the things I wouldn’t be able to do well during the other times of year, and a new routine develops.

My greenhouse, where you can see the start of my ancient fruit cultivation in the top-left.

Likewise, flexibility of routine is important in real life. I live by it as best as I can, especially in the mornings, when if I don’t stick to the routine, the things that need to get done—exercise, taking care of the cats, breakfast, etc.—don’t get done in a timely manner (or at all), and the whole family suffers. However, sometimes my wife’s schedule will change temporarily, or maybe we’re traveling and the morning just doesn’t flow the same way it normally does. In those cases, much like when winter strikes in Stardew Valley, it’s painful at first, but if I can alter my routine to fit the new circumstances, things get back on track with a lot less stress and friction, and life can get back to something close to normal.

I prepped what will become a hay field in the spring.

So, there you have it. Stardew Valley and real life are actually the same thing. Well, maybe not, but they’re much more similar than you might have thought, with the exception of all that physical labor done at the press of a button. Thanks, Stardew Valley, for keeping me productive even when I can’t get out of bed.

Thanks for reading, and see you next mission!

Play By Play - Alleyway

Tue, 20 Aug 2024 00:00:00 -0500

Year: 1989
Platform: Nintendo Game Boy
Notes: Alleyway was a launch title for the Game Boy.

Heeeeyyyyy! What happened to Golden Axe Warrior?! Is this a retro-gaming bait-and-switch?

Rest assured, readers. Our adventures in the kingdom of Firewood will continue as soon as I have time to settle on the sofa for at least an hour and a half, graph paper and notebook in hand. Lately, this has absolutely not been the case—kids, summer illness, travel, and responsibility have all contributed to a rash of non-gaming-related activity. Consequently, playtime has been limited to brief sessions of Stardew Valley (and maybe a few lengthy, but muddled sessions when I was sick, but that’s a story for another post) and this little gem that managed to find its way to Nintendo Switch Online in recent weeks. Let’s talk about Alleyway on Nintendo Game Boy!

When I first got a Game Boy, my must-have game was Donkey Kong ’94. After that, it was Final Fantasy Adventure, the Super Mario Land games, Link's Awakening, and so on. The classics, the can't-miss, quintessential portable installments of my favorite franchises. Alleyway? I saw it in ads all the time, along with Solar Striker and probably Golf and/or Baseball. It was tempting, sure. As an 11-year-old with a stash of birthday money, I had an astounding ability to talk myself into buying just about anything, and I learned some pretty early and well-deserved lessons in buyer’s remorse, as a result. But even back then, I dismissed Alleyway outright. That's just a Breakout clone, I thought. I have one of those on my dad's computer.

Maybe this is the ad I remember?

Here I am, thirty years later, with a tendency for brief, but intense obsessions with arcade games and high-score chasers. My kids are asleep. My wife doesn’t have the emotional capacity to watch a TV show with me right now. It’s close to my own bedtime, so my options are pretty limited. Of all things, Alleyway appears on Nintendo Switch Online. It was inevitable. These games always come back to find me, one way or another, and I am justifiably in a position in which I am compelled to oblige.

Do we all know how Breakout-style games work? Alleyway would be considered a Breakout clone, or maybe a derivative would be a less-condescending term. If you’re unfamiliar, it’s like one-player Pong. The player launches a ball at a bunch of blocks at the top of the screen, and moves a paddle back and forth at the bottom of the screen to deflect the ball into the blocks over and over until they’re all gone, and the player moves on to the next level. If the ball goes off the bottom of the screen, the player loses a life. It’s destructive, addictive fun, testing both mettle and reflex. Alleyway works approximately the same way, with some extra features thrown in to make it unique in the block-breaking world, like additional rows of blocks that drop from the ceiling on some levels, or horizontally scrolling lines of blocks on others.

I dug in, and found that we must first explore the greater lore and context of Alleyway. As the game begins, I was taken aback by a little opening sequence of Mario jumping into the paddle. Hey, buddy, what are you doing here? Now, I know Mario has a lot of jobs—plumber, kingdom savior, star multi-sport athlete, multi-sport referee, construction worker, typing instructor, you name it. This one, however, is the one that strikes me as odd. What’s going on here in Alleyway? Is he in a sewer? In an actual city alley? Why do the blocks need to be broken? How did Mario get into this mess?

I went to my failsafe for the answer: the instruction manual. The manuals have been godsends for these old games with limited in-game context. They helped me through Rygar and Crystalis in a big way, for example, providing story beats, maps, and explanations of the many bizarre item pickups. Finding a scan of the Alleyway manual online, I found...no story information. I did learn some gameplay tips and that the game includes 32 levels, but I still have no idea what’s going on here. Does it even matter? Yes, because I have a problem.

I checked the box art next. Aha! Here’s something useful. “Cruise the Alleyway! Slam energy balls to destroy the Vid-Grid!”

And then, the back of the box. Oh, the motherload of context, at last:

To be honest, I still don’t really know what any of that means. I guess I have to let it go. Where did Mario get this spaceship? I mean, besides parked in the garage with his submarine, airplane, go kart, flying carpet, and other vehicles. Are the space grids the threat, or the energy ball? What is the Alleyway?! How did—oh, forget it.

I guess I should stop being a lunatic and talk about the actual game, huh? Despite my best, but gone-awry efforts to dive into the complicated lore and meaningful backstory of Alleyway, there’s a fun and competent block-breaking game here. The gameplay is simple enough—I don’t really have to think or strategize. I can turn off my brain and depend solely on my reflexes to deflect the ball, leaving me enough bandwidth to interact with Amanda on the sofa while she sends me Instagram reels for later or watches YouTube absent-mindedly. While it is a simple experience, the variety of levels and level types keep it interesting, and the Mario-themed bonus stages are enticing and good for lots of points, maybe netting me an extra life to keep me playing that much longer.

The first 8-12 levels always give me the false impression that I’m going to breeze through the entire game, but the difficulty ramps up in a major way after that. The addition of unbreakable blocks to the playing field (er, alleyway) creates major obstacles to my ball deflections. I can breeze through the entire first third of the game without losing a life, then lose three on a single level. Bested by the Vid-Grid—the ultimate shame in portable gaming.

The reason for my struggles? I have simply not mastered the physics of this game. I get stuck in loops. No matter what I try to do differently, I hit the ball at the exact same location with the exact same trajectory over and over again, which is especially frustrating on the timed bonus levels, where it’s important to rack up as many points as possible in the allotted time. Instead, I’m over here hitting the ball into the same lanes I cleared five deflections ago. I’m in command in the alleyway? Hardly.

Those two columns of unbreakable blocks near the middle cause a lot of trouble.

I wonder what it was like to play Alleyway on original hardware with no saves or passwords. I frequently take a long time to clear a level, long enough that I’m not sure I could have finished the game on a single set of double-A batteries. Then again, I’ve never even made it to the halfway point—I bet really good players can master the game physics and clear levels with remarkable speed and ease. Surely there’s at least one nut on YouTube with all the secrets.

Anyway, that’s Alleyway! Thanks for indulging this little detour. I wouldn’t be surprised to see more of these in the coming weeks, as my schedule continues to not solidify in any capacity.

Was I a Bad Enough Dude to finish Alleyway?
No
Is Alleyway Bad Enough to play again?
Yes

Thanks for reading, and see you next mission!

Game Boy Ad Image Credit: TheAlmightyGuru

Alleyway Box Art Credit: MobyGames

Play By Play - Golden Axe Warrior

Mon, 03 Jun 2024 00:00:00 -0500

Year: 1991
Platform: Sega Master System
Notes: Available as an unlockable on Sonic's Ultimate Genesis Collection.

A few weekends ago, we took our Xbox 360 out of its storage bin for the first time in at least a couple of years. I wanted to introduce our daughter to Peggle, a casual, low-stakes game she took to immediately and asked to play again last weekend. Also, with the 360 in service, my wife and I took the opportunity to get in a game of Rock Band, a nostalgic favorite for us. I should note that the thought of Rock Band as nostalgic just added a fresh clutch of crows’ feet to the corners of my eyes. We are old.

What’s our 360 doing in a storage bin, you ask? Well, we keep a lot of “classic” consoles on hand (more crows’ feet), but they are put away for space issues. Our house is small, and as much as I’d love to weigh down an aesthetically pleasing entertainment center with every console since 1985, we just don’t have the room. Not only that, a 1-year-old patrols these corridors—no unattended electronic device is safe.

As I sat enjoying Peggle with the 6-year-old, I glanced at the console, thinking with some unease at what a hassle it was to set up. I had to unearth it from its bin, its cords and controllers from another bin and, let us not overlook the cramped, treacherous dive behind the TV stand to plug in all the appropriate cords, which instantly tangled beyond organization. Apprehension tickled the edges of my subconscious as I accepted the inevitable: all of this would have to be put away again soon.

It occurred to me that I really needed to get the most out of the 360 while it was available, so I arbitrarily created a new rule for myself. If a console is pulled out of storage, I need to play and beat a game on it before putting it away. The game can be an old favorite or something from the backlog, but something’s getting played.

For the purposes of taking advantage of the Xbox 360, I picked possibly the most non-Xbox game at my disposal. I loaded Sonic’s Ultimate Genesis Collection and chose Golden Axe Warrior. Not only is Golden Axe Warrior not an Xbox game, it’s not even a Genesis game. It’s an unlockable Sega Master System game. On a compilation of Sega Genesis games. On an Xbox 360 console. I feel like there are too many degrees of separation at work here. Can I pick ’em, or what?

You may or may not be familiar with Golden Axe, an arcade, fantasy-themed sidescrolling beat ’em up that sees a barbarian, a princess-turned-amazon, and a dwarf team up to defeat a conquering giant named Death Adder. It spawned a Genesis port, two Genesis-exclusive sequels that are a lot of fun, and an arcade sequel, Golden Axe: The Revenge of Death Adder. I’ve only played that one once, with Craig at the Galloping Ghost, but I remember it being bonkers and exhausting, and probably also the best game of the series. They aren’t the most elegant beat ’em ups, lacking in finesse and well orchestrated combos, but I think they do a good job of capturing raw fantasy violence.

Welp.

Now, Golden Axe Warrior is an action-RPG spinoff from 1991 set in the same universe. Death Adder is up to no good in this game, as well, duping a high-ranking minister into selling him nine powerful crystals that ward off evil in the country of Firewood. With the crystals in his possession, Death Adder deposes the king and takes over, and it’s up to me to put a stop to his evil ways. Having experienced a wealth of adventures in the main Golden Axe series, I thought it was time to try the spinoff.

Uhh....

Before we dig in, I just want to comment on the absurdity of the game’s intro message. As if I have to be reminded that Death Adder killed my parents? To be fair, there’s no mention of this circumstance in the manual or elsewhere, so there has to be some way of giving the player context, but it just feels silly. Hey idiot, don’t forget Death Adder killed your mom and dad! Better do something about it!

Golden Axe Warrior begins in a town called Milliver, in the country of Firewood. Here, I found a shop selling items in exchange for horns (Firewood’s currency, apparently), an inn kind enough to let me stay for free because I’m poor and haven’t actually started adventuring yet (I guess Death Adder stole all of the family’s money, as well), and a sage who can save my progress. The villagers shared a few helpful hints and the latest news, including a report that Death Adder has killed the King of Firewood and Princess Tyris. Is this Tyris Flare, the playable princess-turned-amazon from the rest of the series?! Unforgivable. Death Adder must pay!

Stepping out into the wilderness, my first and most certain observation was that Golden Axe Warrior is a lot like the original Legend of Zelda, which is a pretty exciting prospect for me. I knew going into the game that it was similar to Zelda—in fact, that’s the reason I wanted to try it. More games like Zelda I? Awesome. I will play them. No excessive snark or criticisms of sameness here. (Although some good-natured ribbing is probable.) Moving screen by screen, I ventured into a colorful forest and used my sword to battle slimes and green, spear-tossing pigmen similar to, but legally distinct from moblins—they are called snoutmen, thank you.

I quickly discovered that defeating all the enemies on a screen was worth my time, as it occasionally opened a secret passage to an inn, save point, or something useful. The problem is that combat can be tricky—the controls aren’t quite as fluid as in The Legend of Zelda, and I had a lot of difficulty lining up sword strikes and timing them so as to not be hit by the snoutmen’s spears when my guard was down. I also had trouble getting close enough to enemies to hit them without also inadvertently running into them and taking damage. I died a lot in the early going, which is not good, as each death cost me a percentage of horns (though it seemed different every time—if there’s a formula, I haven’t picked up on it). I have not yet found any items for which to save my horns, but I know I’m going to wish I had those lost horns back soon enough.

As I delved deeper into the woods, the sprawling trees overwhelmed me. They seemed to continue in all directions. The manual provides a small section of map for the region right around Milliver, but it looks like I’m otherwise on my own with regards to navigation. I may have to pull out my graph paper for this adventure, not just to prevent me from getting lost, but also to plot the inns and sages I’ve uncovered in the wilderness. Having played Zelda 1 probably 40 times in my life, I just know where everything is. I think my complete unfamiliarity with Golden Axe Warrior, coupled with an almost completely unknown lay of the land, might prove to be one of its greatest challenges, but also one of its greatest draws. It’s a new adventure in a new world, which is really exciting, but certainly intimidating, as well.

Despite not taking the time to map during this first play session, I did wander around long enough to discover two labyrinths. Well, I had a little bit of help from the scrap of map in the manual—let’s not forget that. Again, I found the labyrinths quite reminiscent of those in Zelda 1. Exploring the first labyrinth, I defeated enemies (bats and skeletons, no less, another Zelda parallel) to find keys or open shuttered doors. One door had to be opened via a switch hidden in a wall sconce. Conspicuous by their absence were block-pushing puzzles, and I wondered if they would make an appearance in a later dungeon. Also notably missing were a dungeon map or compass—again, it looks as if I may need to depend on graph paper and note-taking as this adventure progresses. I like to do it, but it’s always a challenge. The temptation to skip it and just brute force my way through a game is strong, despite the hours of frustration and walking in circles it adds to the experience. Why, brain? Why you do this?

Within short order, I discovered a battle axe somewhere in the back of the dungeon. My guy issues a thrusting attack with his default sword, but swings the axe in a wide swath, a godsend in the early going as I try to adjust to the nuances of Golden Axe Warrior’s combat. The range is still pretty short, but fighting enemies already feels much more forgiving, since I no longer have to be lined up perfectly to hit them.

You bet I do.

The axe especially came in handy during my first boss encounter. Hey, I know that guy! He’s the boss of the first level of the Golden Axe arcade game—a bald, mustachioed giant wielding a hammer. (Actually, there are two of them in the arcade game.) He wasn’t too tough, but almost got me with his hammer strikes to the floor, which created little shockwaves that spread around him at a short range. I prevailed—barely, collected a life upgrade and the first of the nine crystals, and...walked back out of the dungeon. Where Zelda gives the player the courtesy of an instant exit back to the overworld when a piece of Triforce is collected, Golden Axe Warrior demands tedium and a trek back through the dungeon hazards, all the way to the front door. Thanks? I foresee this causing much frustration later in the game—I hope I’m wrong.

A familiar, if not villainous face. I'm loving these parallels to the original Golden Axe.

With the battle axe now in my possession, a new facet of exploration presented itself: tree-chopping. Secrets can be hidden in the trees, but a lot of the trees on any given screen are choppable, so finding those secrets can be an obtuse task. It beats burning bushes with the blue candle in Zelda, though.

Sorry I chopped down your front door.

Amidst my superfluous chopping, I found Gillian the Dwarf hidden in the forest! Gillian is the character I normally use in Golden Axe 1 and 2. But, he’s injured here, and needs a golden apple to recuperate, so I guess I’ll need to track one of those down. He says I can find them to the north, a direction I haven’t traveled yet because a townsperson said there were tougher monsters in that direction. Right now, I’m having trouble with the basic slimes, so Gillian may have to wait a few more in-game hours for that golden apple. Sorry, friend. At least a cheerful 8-bit rendition of the Stage One music from the Golden Axe arcade game plays inside his hovel. The whole encounter is a delightful and welcome homage to the arcade game, and I hope to see more of these down the road.

I hit my first real wall in the second labyrinth, which is noticeably trickier than the first. It introduces statues that shoot fireballs, which caught me by surprise. There are also some scorpion(?) enemies that I have to get really close to in order to hit them. Ultimately, I had to leave the labyrinth because I couldn’t beat the dragon lurking at the end. The dragon spits three fireballs in a spread pattern, and my dodging abilities have absolutely left me. I must have been killed five or six times simply because I couldn’t dodge the fireballs, and kept getting too beat up on my way to the dragon, as well.

Wandering aimlessly, but running short on play time, I stumbled upon a shop near the sea selling a Knight’s Shield for 250 horns. Is this my solution to defeating the dragon? It looks like I finally have a reason to start saving horns. Well, there’s that golden apple, too. Gillian still needs my help!

Oh, I found a torch in the second labyrinth. It lights dark rooms, but I haven’t needed it, yet.

With that, my first session came to an end. Despite some frustrations and the realization that I’mma need to draw some maps, I’m having fun about an hour and a half into the game, and I’m ready for more adventure. Thanks for reading, and I’ll be back with more Golden Axe Warrior (or maybe some other content) soon!

Screenshot Credits: MobyGames and World of Longplays

My Top 10 Games of “2023”

Mon, 25 Mar 2024 00:00:00 -0500

We were perilously close to a “Top 6 Games of ‘2023,’” friends.

After the birth of my first child some years back, I found populating a list of my top ten games of the year much more challenging, but still doable. Now, with two children under the roof, playing games still exists, but it’s just over there somewhere. Possibly behind that pile of paper scraps my daughter cut up, but didn’t throw away. (They’re for a project, I’m told.) Meanwhile, life rushes on in survival mode, like the late-game of a round of Tetris, when the blocks start to pile up and only the happy accidents manage to clear a few lines—that’s when a brief window may open for games, and I’m happy to fill it before the blocks overtake me again. Don’t get me wrong—I live a fulfilling life, but it’s quite the adventure, too. I will gladly take a break when I can. (It’s either that or stay up too late, which isn’t recommended. If I’m not up at five every morning, the whole day gets thrown off for the rest of my family. The guillllt.)

Fortunately, a couple of co-op arcade games with Craig and some dependence on Nintendo Switch Online late in the year saved our little tradition here on the blog—the Top 10 Games live on...barely. Except, I daresay this is more of a “the only 10 games I played in 2023” list, as opposed to a Top 10 of 2023 list, but whatever. (And, to be fair, a lot of time was spent on Skyrim, which I haven’t finished yet.)

Are you ready for the best of “2023?” Here are this year’s criteria:

I beat the game for the first time in 2023. “Beat” simply means I saw the end of the game—it does not necessarily mean I’ve seen or done everything the game has to offer.
If the game is a high-score chaser or otherwise doesn’t really have an ending, just playing a lot of it makes it eligible.
I try not to repeat games that have made my Top 10 lists before.

You’ll find that it was a really big year for games from the early 1990s. So, what made the list? Let’s find out.

Honorable Mention: The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim (Switch, 2011)

I played a ton of Skyrim—two blog posts’ worth, and far beyond. Despite that, to the surprise of no Skyrim player ever, an immense amount of game still remains. I tried to power through in short spurts, and while I had lots of fun, frustration set in when I found I couldn’t accomplish enough in those brief sessions. It’s the same reason I haven’t even bothered starting The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom. I plan to revisit Skyrim sometime in the future, when our schedules solidify somewhat, unfettered by irregular baby sleep and other unpredictabilities. Perhaps then, I can throw a couple of hours at a time into my Dragonborn adventures and make some real progress.

[Note from the distant future: Brian never played Skyrim again.]

10. Kirby’s Dream Land (Game Boy, 1992)

I almost bought Kirby’s Dream Land many times as a kid, but never wanted it enough. Later, I almost bought it many times from the 3DS eShop, but still never wanted it enough. Finally, it debuted on Nintendo Switch Online, and I gave Kirby’s first outing its due. It’s brief and easy, which I certainly welcome in my current state. Keep in mind, this is an early Game Boy game with no save or password functions, so the brevity makes sense. Kirby’s full slate of skills isn’t available to him, yet—most notably the copy ability—but he still floats, and he still inhales and spits out enemies as only a pink, sentient, intergalactic puffball can! All that said, the simplicity and cute Dream Land aesthetic make Kirby’s Dream Land a fun and cozy experience. As always, Whispy Woods is a joke.

9. Mario Kart 8 Deluxe (Switch, 2017)

I like Mario Kart, but it’s not normally a go-to for me. I’m sure it comes from years of utter decimation at the hands of my friends, as we played Mario Kart 64 countless times in Josh’s basement. Josh’s main is Toad, but Toad is also my main, so I got stuck with bleating ape Donkey Kong, my alt, more often than not. While Donkey Kong is good, he’s not Toad, and the results didn’t lie, as I didn’t win very often.

Anyway, I wanted to get a family game that we could play with our daughter, and Mario Kart 8 Deluxe proved more than adequate in that capacity. She has lots of fun just picking characters and customizing her cart—great care and time goes into this during every session. When we finally get to the races, that part is good, too, although my daughter tends to depend too much on the steering assist and auto-acceleration. In fact, one time I caught her lying on the sofa with the controller next to her, letting the game play itself, and I told her she couldn’t do that anymore. When she’s actually playing, I get more joy out of watching her play than playing it, myself.

8. Bad Dudes Vs. DragonNinja (Arcade, 1988)

What’s that? You’re surprised that the namesake of this very blog is a game I have never beaten?! Honestly, I’m kind of surprised, as well. I don’t think I’ve beaten the NES version, either, to be frank. It feels like I have, but I think I probably just watched Craig beat it when I was a kid.

Craig and I played this over the summer, engaging in Intense 2-Player Action™ to bring down DragonNinja and save President Ronnie. Bad Dudes always strikes me as a rather simplistic game—not in the sense that it’s necessarily easy, but that the mechanics and strategy are simplistic: run forward, punch bad guys. I fear that misconception probably cost us a lot of credits. Despite Bad Dudes’ straightforward appearance, great care must be taken to play it well, like if you would want to beat it on one quarter or something crazy like that. Health management, acquiring and holding onto a good weapon, finding advantageous positioning for combat—it’s all important. But, let’s get serious. There’s no care here. We play Bad Dudes to wail on a million zillion ninjas and hear the “I’m Bad!” sound clip at the end of every level, and we don’t care if we lose a thousand lives in doing so. Bad enough to save the president from ninjas, but probably not bad enough to do it competently.

7. Power Blade (NES, 1991)

I mentioned Power Blade in my Extra Life 2023 recap. Having never played it before, and having not taken the time to read the instruction manual (which I make an honest attempt to do on these old games, as they do frequently reveal important details about story or ambiguous items), I had no idea what to expect, other than that it was a sidescroller I read about in Nintendo Power when I was a kid. Maybe I was burnt out on my marathon regulars and needed something new to spice things up a bit.

I jumped in, totally blind, and ugh, why did I wait so long to play this?! I was instantly enamored with Power Blade. It’s completely goofy, but isn’t that what we all need in life? You get to be an action hero named Nova, wielding a powerful boomerang against robots, oddly aggressive frogs, and these big faces on the wall that spit projectiles and are way out of place in this setting. It’s like they took a Castlevania enemy and plugged it into the most technological future possible. Plus, Nova looks like Arnold Schwarzenegger. (Look at that title screen—it’s him.) What more do you want? Oh, here are some fabulous, high-energy chiptunes, one of the best NES soundtracks I’d never heard before. Sector 4?! Listen to it once, then go outrun a bullet train.

Maybe it’s a little easy? I beat it the first time I ever played it, and I only had to continue a few times. But, I dunno. Maybe that isn’t even necessarily a bad thing. It’s okay for games to be fun, but not Nintendo-hard. And, like with Kirby’s Dream Land, the ease is kind of what I need in my life right now, anyway. All that said, Power Blade is a solid B-tier NES platformer that is worth your time.

6. Dungeons of Dreadrock (Switch, 2022)

So Dungeons of Dreadrock was a pretty interesting experience in that it was not at all the game I was expecting. Perhaps I skimmed the reviews poorly and possibly didn’t even bother to watch a trailer, which seems odd for me, but last year was kind of a blur, so, I dunno. All I know is I was anticipating a game in the style of a traditional 3D dungeon crawler with loot, XP, and more emphasis on combat, but with a 2D overhead perspective. What I got was primarily a puzzle game with some light combat. I don’t know where I went wrong? How I got so off the mark on my expectations? This sleep deprivation is getting to me.

Now! That being said, after the initial shock wore off, I found that I liked Dungeons of Dreadrock a lot! Full of twists, both in the literal and literary senses, this 100-floor dive demands patience and crafty thinking, with puzzles ranging from simple switch-flipping to complex sequences spanning multiple floors with monsters chasing you all the while. While the game is light on music, what’s here is exciting. The voiceover is good, too, throwing in a touch of humor (and a fair share of worldly cynicism) here and there. The game provides clues for troublesome puzzles if you need them, but I’m proud to say I only used the clues on three floors out of 100. The replay value is limited, but then again, I play Shadowgate all the time. Think of it like a memory game!

5. Vice: Project Doom (NES, 1991)

Nintendo Switch Online saves the day with another crazy NES platformer I’ve never played before! Like Power Blade, I remember Nintendo Power coverage on Vice: Project Doom from when I was a kid and, while I was always curious about it, I never played the game until the very end of 2023.

Again, why did I wait so long?! There’s a lot going on here! As agent Quinn Hart, an investigator of illegal substance-trafficking, I took on platforming action that mashes up Ninja Gaiden and Batman—imagine the speed and fluidity of Ninja Gaiden combined with the dark backdrops and weapon-swapping of Batman. Not only that, there are driving sequences akin to Spy Hunter, as well as rail-shooting segments reminiscent of Operation Wolf. The action follows a bizarre, but fun story involving aliens, human clones, and a bio-tech company producing a neon gel the aliens need to survive. The story also takes some brutal turns for Agent Hart that I’ll leave for you to experience yourself. The story isn’t delivered quite as deftly as Ninja Gaiden—I had trouble discerning which character was speaking at certain times—but it’s worth your time.

All that said, Vice: Project Doom can be brutal in its difficulty. It’s lengthy (with no saves or passwords on original hardware), the boss fights demand expert pattern recognition, there are plenty of enemies and projectiles waiting to knock Hart into pits mid-jump, and the final level is a challenge that will no doubt remind players of Ninja Gaiden’s stage six gauntlet. No worries, though—with the modern convenience of save states (used responsibly, of course), you’ve got this.

4. Burgertime Deluxe (Game Boy, 1991)

I blogged about Burgertime Deluxe in September of 2023, so I won’t spend too much time rehashing here. Deluxe is the word here—a great, portable reinterpretation of the arcade Burgertime, complete with additional level types and styles, more power-ups, a touch of story, and a fair and steady difficulty curve. By the end of the game, some of the levels felt more like they belonged in a puzzle platformer than an arcade game, demanding mastery of manipulating enemy movement and memorizing level layouts while managing a limited number of lives. The continues might be unlimited, but they reset your score to zero, so there is lots of replay value here for high-score chasers.

3. Smash TV (Arcade, 1990)

Craig and I used to play Smash TV on an almost weekly basis on Xbox Live Arcade, but the continues on that port of the game are limited, so we never beat it. No, we’re not bad enough to beat Smash TV with limited continues, but it’s one of the toughest challenges I’ve ever faced in the arcade, so chances are good that you’re not, either! (But if you are, please, share your secrets, both for video games and for life.)

However, couch co-oping the game on Craig’s PC over the summer, with unlimited continues, netted us the resources we needed to finally witness the end of this televised carnage—not to mention escape with millions of dollars in winnings and like 500 brand new toasters. Breakfast at our house, friends!

Anyway, Smash TV is a longtime favorite, a perfect combination of Robotron: 2084 and The Running Man. It was awesome to finally see the ending, even if it would have cost us 50 dollars in quarters on an original arcade machine.

2. Bionic Commando (Game Boy, 1992)

Bionic Commando on Game Boy got its own entry earlier this year, so, again, I won’t repeat too many details here. What you need to know is that this version of Bionic Commando is its own reimagining of the story, not a diluted port of the NES game, and fans of the franchise need to check it out for more swinging, grappling, fascist-fighting action. New graphics, both original and remixed music, and quality-of-life updates such as a password feature and mid-level equipment-swapping all contributed to a fantastic portable iteration of the adventure. I heard good things for years, so my expectations were high, and I was not disappointed.

1. New Super Mario Bros. U (Wii U, 2012)

I'm using my top game of 2023 to throw some love to a beleaguered Mario title. When I think of New Super Mario Bros. U, I do not get a warm feeling at all. It was the final Mario game among four bearing the “New” moniker, a subseries consisting of four games across seven years on four(!) different platforms. I think they’re great, but by the end of 2012, despite growth and improvement with each new installment, after four games with (roughly) the same graphics, themes, music, and types of levels, I think players burnt out. Compare the leap between Super Mario Bros. 3 and Super Mario World to the leap between New Super Mario Bros. Wii and New Super Mario Bros. U, for instance. Two pairs of games that are both fantastic, right? While Super Mario Bros. 3 will always be my favorite, the leap in graphics and sound in Super Mario World cannot be ignored, and the level design and new power-ups contribute to a completely new and different game. New Super Mario Bros. U came three years after New Super Mario Bros. Wii, also jumping to a next-generation console, and while it got HD graphics, new power-ups, and a more involved world map, if I’m being honest, it is otherwise pretty close to just more New Super Mario Bros. Wii, and I think players were looking for something fresher.

On top of that, until its re-release on Switch, New Super Mario Bros. U could only be found on the much-maligned Wii U, which, while I find it to be quite charming, was ultimately a bust. This game can’t catch a break.

So there I was, 11 years later, trying it out for the first time. Having now played it, I cannot deny that the criticisms above are, in fact, valid. Despite that, I still think it’s a really good game, and a worthy number one in an admittedly pretty light year of gaming for me. Like its three-dimensional Wii U counterpart, Super Mario 3D World, this game went unplayed by the masses for too long. Is it more of the same? Sure. But it’s also more Mario and more joy, and who am I to say no to that?

I’m not much of a videophile at all, but I do think the HD graphics give the presentation a gorgeous and needed boost that New Super Mario Bros. Wii missed out on. I also think the level designs are brilliant and fun, certainly a step up from its predecessor, which I also found to have good level design, but more on the repetitive side. Bonus points to New Super Mario Bros. U’s secrets, which are deviously hidden and begging me to return to the game for some more exploring. I know some of these levels still have secrets in them, and I absolutely cannot find them. It’s driving me crazy in the best way, and I need to make some time to get back in there and look some more. Mario fans, do give this misunderstood adventure the time of day.

That’s it! That’s the list!

What did you think? Are my picks nuts? What were your top games of “2023?” Thanks for reading, and see you next mission!

Some Screenshot Credits: MobyGames

Extra Life 2023 Recap

Sun, 28 Jan 2024 00:00:00 -0600

I did this last year, and I thought I might like to do it again! Let’s recap our 2023 Extra Life charity video game marathon, held on Saturday, October 21. As usual, I successfully conned many of my coworkers into marathoning with me! As a team, we raised somewhere in the neighborhood of $2,000 for our St. Louis Children’s Miracle Network hospitals (I really need to start keeping official numbers), putting our total over the years at right around $9,000. These facilities have directly benefited the families of coworkers and friends alike. It’s a great cause, easy to participate, lots of fun, and a perfect excuse to play games for 24 hours and revisit many of my retro favorites.

So what games did I play over the 24 hours? Let’s check them out!

Power Blade (NES)

I never played Power Blade prior to this marathon! I also beat it during the marathon in a little more than an hour, which may hint at its difficulty or lack thereof. Nevertheless, Power Blade impressed me—a fun, straightforward, no-frills sidescroller with a banging soundtrack, big (but not too big) levels to explore, and a protagonist clearly inspired by Arnold Schwarzenegger slaughtering his enemies with super-powered boomerangs. (Not to mention the dude pumps his arms like a maniac when he runs!) Nintendo Power introduced me to this game long ago, and I always wanted to give it a shot. Based on my experience here, I might introduce more blind plays to future marathons. It’s easy to stay in the comfort zone.

Metroid (NES)

Speaking of comfort zones, here we are! Although, Metroid got me the same way it always does—after a strong start, I went to Ridley’s hideout before getting the Varia suit to save time, and got the absolute dog mess kicked out of me by the enemies there. I got stuck in lava one time, as well. Despite my struggles, I had fun, as always, and managed my trek through planet Zebes without a map. Metroid is the easiest game to get lost in, but my memory pulled through this time.

Ninja Gaiden (NES)

Having not played Ninja Gaiden for several years now, it went about as well as I expected: I got stuck on the notorious stages 6-2 and 6-3 for a lengthy period of time, got killed by the Jaquio twice and therefore had to replay 6-1, 6-2, and 6-3 two more times. I finally beat Jaquio, but only with the help of the Art of the Fire Wheel subweapon, as I could never get the timing right on dodging his fireballs. What an amateur. The rest of the run went well!

Super Star Wars (SNES)

A brief hangup on Lava Beast Jawenko, the boss of the Sandcrawler level, could not hinder an otherwise fun and straightforward run of Super Star Wars. The Force was with you, Jawenko, but it was...uh, more with me!

Volgarr the Viking (PC)

I lost patience pretty quickly. Volgarr is a fun game with really technical combat and movement mechanics, but it is unforgiving and I am just bad at it. I got to level two.

Duke Nukem 2 (PC)

This was my first time playing Duke Nukem 2 since probably sixth or seventh grade. My biggest takeaways are that, although the game is still fun, what with all the shooting and collecting of power-ups, it’s much harder than I remember it being. I think I was in too much of a hurry and would have been better served taking my time. Unlike Power Blade, the levels here were too big, and some of the backgrounds were busy enough to make my eyes hurt. Pros and cons of classic games.

Castlevania: Bloodlines (Sega Genesis)

A struggle! I started dying on the second level (knocked into the water by a fishman—how embarrassing) and didn’t stop. I made frequent use of passwords, and later save states once I reached the final level (so I wouldn’t have to keep putting in the same password) to push through a great, but gravely difficult installment of the Castlevania franchise. I apparently need to revisit this one more often to stay fresh on all of its terrors and challenges. That 3-boss gauntlet at the end doesn’t help matters much.

Mega Man 4 (NES)

One of the “lesser” of the NES Mega Man games. But really, come on, it’s Mega Man. For me, it’s always a treat, regardless of which one. Something I noticed for the first time while playing is that the Skeleton Joe enemies (native to Skull Man’s stage, of course) will fall apart and reassemble if hit with a normal shot, but can be destroyed with a fully-charged Mega Buster shot. I guess I never made that distinction? Anyway, it was a cool discovery. This run went well, overall, and was made easier by 1ups out the wazoo. The random number generation (RNG) was, for once, in my favor.

Super Mario Bros. 2 (I played the All-Stars version on SNES)

A nearly flawless playthrough. Died a couple of times, but nothing serious. Probably the most unadulterated fun I had during the run, and certainly the peak of the run, as exhaustion began to set in afterward. There’s not much new I can tell you about this gem of a game, other than that the All-Stars version is my favorite take on Super Mario 2, so that’s the one I played.

NES Open Tournament Golf (NES)

A terrible round. Probably one of my worst ever, and a lousy comedown after such a great time playing Super Mario 2. I would have been better off playing real golf.

Shadowgate (NES)

I tried to narrate what I was doing in this classic point-and-click adventure, but I’m not sure how well it came off. To the casual observer (especially if they had me muted), it probably just looked like me shoving random items into orifices to unlock doors or solve puzzles or whatever. Although, to be fair, most of the puzzles do come down to that. I have to revisit Shadowgate every so often to ensure my memory still works. (It does! Or did when I played it!)

Friday the 13th (NES)

I remember trying to explain Friday the 13th to my coworker Nolan, and feeling like I was making zero sense in my already half-delirious state. Strategically switching between camp counselors, visiting cabins until a torch (the best weapon in the game) appears in one of them, rescuing campers from Jason, fighting the decapitated head of Mrs. Voorhees in a cave—what even is this game?! To the uninitiated, it’s probably pretty hard to follow, but I’ve been playing it since I was six, so it makes a little more sense to an old timer like me. The game has a terrible reputation among gamers, but if you like survival horror or squad-based games, and work a little strategy into your play, I think it’s really quite fascinating. Did you know Atlus developed Friday the 13th? Time to climb aboard, Persona fans!

Splatterhouse 3 (Sega Genesis)

Splatterhouse 3 has everything. Horror-based beat ’em up action in a haunted house, branching paths, multiple endings, super scary story interludes, and the opportunity to bash monsters to death with a cinder block. It’s also one of the hardest games I’ve ever played, and I did not make it far on this occasion. I remember doing real physical damage to a Sega Genesis controller trying to beat this some 18 years ago. I think it’s a gaming feat I’ll never accomplish again.

SimCity 3000 (PC)

I could not get this game to work on stream. The game, itself, would play, but I couldn’t get the stream to pick it up. A little discouraging, but I couldn’t let it stop me!

Pac-Man 256 (PC)

I’m not sure how long I played Pac-Man 256. It could have been twenty minutes or four hours. A great way to veg out and see where the dots take me. I think I got some new high scores, too.

Sword of the Stars: The Pit (PC)

My first run of this roguelike ended when I contracted a disease and couldn’t recover. My second run seemed to be going a little better, but I had to stop to play Zelda II to close out the marathon. I was on autopilot for this game, so I really don’t remember much of what happened. Some dude came into chat to tell me how poorly-ranked my stream was in some metric or another. Uh, thanks, I guess?

Zelda II: The Adventure of Link (NES)

It turns out trying to navigate Death Mountain in Zelda II on no sleep might be one of the most confusing experiences in existence. While that was truly disorienting, I was pretty impressed with how I handled the rest of the run. I finished three palaces in two hours, and despite the exhaustion, it certainly wasn’t the worst time I’ve had playing Zelda II!

That’s it! That’s the list!

There you have it! Thanks to everyone who contributed to the marathon: my coworkers for keeping things fun in real life, Mod Melissa for keeping the chat active, anybody else who dropped by the stream, anybody who provided food, and finally, all the donors who make this whole endeavor worthwhile every year.

While I still plan to game for 24 hours next year, I might cut my stream to 18-20 hours or so. It would be kind of nice to work in some gaming with my coworkers, be it some couch co-op or board games or something. We’ll see what everybody wants to do!

As always, thank you for reading!

Screenshot Credits: MobyGames

Play By Play - Bionic Commando (Game Boy)

Sun, 14 Jan 2024 00:00:00 -0600

Year: 1992
Platform: Nintendo Game Boy
Notes: Released four years after the debut of Bionic Commando on NES.

Game Boy Fever has infected Bad Enough Dudes headquarters! It’s like Pac-Man Fever, though perhaps without a catchy earworm to make matters better/worse, depending on your musical taste.

Since the debut of Game Boy games on Nintendo Switch Online, I’ve taken a turn with a number of them, both on the Switch Online service and otherwise. I referenced in my last post the need, as the father of a spritely ~~6-month-old~~ 9-month-old (uh, she was still a 6-month-old when I started writing this blog—yikes), to get my gaming fix by taking the last 15 to 30 minutes before bed and cozying up with a fun, charming game that can accommodate quick, bite-sized play sessions. Skyrim? Not a good choice—much like pro wrestler Greg “The Hammer” Valentine, it can take 45 minutes of action just for Skyrim to get warmed up. Diablo? No way—too much potential for “just one more level.” You know what I mean; we’ve all been there.

Now, a Game Boy game from 1992 with short levels and a password feature, and inspired by one of the greatest NES games of all time? That’s a commanding offer! Let’s talk about Bionic Commando on Game Boy.

I have come here to chew bubble gum and blow up reactors.

I bought Bionic Commando on the 3DS Virtual Console in the waning days of the Wii U/3DS eShops. I figured this would be my last best chance to own a legitimate copy of the game (I mean, as far as digital copies count towards “ownership,” which isn’t much), so I grabbed it before those eShops closed for good, adding it to my small, but respectable collection of 3DS games. I don’t have many games for the 3DS, but I love it. It fits my tiny hands well and, like most Nintendo handhelds, makes me feel cozy and relaxed and nostalgic when I play it. In fact, I have a whole hierarchy for managing my Nintendo handheld usage! I use my 3DS for DS and 3DS games, my DS Lite for Game Boy Advance games, and my Game Boy Advance SP for Game Boy and Game Boy Color games. This is completely reasonable and socially acceptable behavior, and I see no need to further explain myself. Hey, where are you going?!

Anyway. Bionic Commando ranks among my top five NES games of all time, so trying out the Game Boy version for the first time (aside from piddling around in an emulator a long, long time ago) filled me with both anticipation and apprehension. The generally positive response from retro gamers to this portable iteration gave me hope, but could it live up to my unreasonably high opinion of the NES version? Firing up the game for the first time and seeing an updated, yet familiar, title screen, started my experience with a pretty strong vibe. Hello, old friend. You look a little different, but it’s good to see you again.

Like I mentioned somewhere above, this is not a straight port of the NES game, but a reinterpretation. The opening cinematic reveals I will again assume the role of Captain Rad Spencer (Rad? Ladd? Radd?! It varies from game to game), and that the established federation hero, Super Joe, has gone missing and is presumably in enemy hands. The Nazi villains of the NES game sit this one out—they are replaced by the Doraize Army, led by the diabolical Director Wiseman, and they’re still attempting to launch a secret doomsday project called Albatross. The same story beats are all here, with some changes in the details. And yes, while I’ll miss the opportunity to bionically punch Nazis, the Nazi-adjacent Doraize Army should prove more than adequate for my fascist-fighting needs. (To be clear, they’re not called Nazis in the NES game, either, but the Japanese version for the Famicom pulls no punches, bionic or otherwise, about who we’re dealing with.)

Meanwhile, The classic military aesthetics and setting of the NES game give way to a more futuristic science-fiction interpretation, with a lot of technology in the background, crazy looking armor, and manga-influenced character designs and hairstyles. The opening cinematic shows a future-armored, wild-haired Super Joe dashing off toward a techno fortress, while Captain Spencer sports similar armor and appearance. Dropping into the game’s first level, I could immediately see the same aesthetic in the gameplay, featuring many technologically-influenced backgrounds and enemies that look more like robots than soldiers.

I didn’t find the new look off-putting—evil robots are just as blastable as evil humans, and again, I’d like to believe this is just another interpretation of the same story. The smaller, chunkier sprites look great and optimize the experience for the tiny screen of the Game Boy, and I appreciate it when developers take the time to do that, rather than squeeze NES-sized sprites onto such a small screen. That being said, I did think the straight exposition of the opening cinematic, while graphically very pretty for the time, lacks the weight or emotional response of the NES game’s opening, where the story begins with Super Joe narrating the events of the game. It’s not Hemingway or anything, but the opening line, “Let me tell you about the man I knew when I was younger,” immediately draws me in—I want to know more! When I play Bionic Commando, I’m not just playing the game, but reliving the events of the game as Joe remembers them, which lends a rawness and poignancy to the entire experience. Even as a 6-year-old, I thought Bionic Commando felt different from our other NES games. There was something more serious, more thoughtful about it.

Some oddly-placed punctuation detracts slightly from the mystique of Director Wiseman here.

Graphical and story changes aside, at its core, this is the NES Bionic Commando, but remixed for Game Boy, and it rules for all of the same reasons. The run-and-gun-and-grapple action is all here, and it’s all pretty comparable to what I’m used to from the NES version. The grappling might be even better, but weapons fire more slowly, so, some give and take. Level design leans a bit more linear in this game, as well, but I indulged in many of the same level themes: enemy fortresses, a dark cave, a tall tower, sewers with pipes belching slime, a disposal facility, and so on. It will all feel familiar and comforting to a seasoned Bionic Commando player, but fun and approachable for a newcomer, too. Levels are structured the same way, too, with Spencer seeking out a communications room somewhere within the level, which provides him with (sometimes) useful info, and unlocks the door to the boss room, where Spencer completes the level by destroying the reactor.

Inside a communications room, in which your commanding officer recaps the mission for players who skipped the prologue. You know who you are!

Even some of the less significant trappings and mechanics of the NES game can be found here. For instance, Spencer still gains new items as he beats levels, and can choose his loadout at the beginning of each level. Travel between levels is still accomplished via helicopter on a world map, moving between numbered areas. The helicopter can be intercepted by enemy patrols, but in this Game Boy version, this between-levels combat occurs in short sidescrolling segments, rather than the Commando-esque overhead sequences of the NES game. Also, neutral zones are again present. These areas often yield useful information and items, but use of weapons will result in retaliation by the neutral forces, so beware!

The world map, from which you can descend to the current level, or transfer to another!

I’ve done a lot of compare and contrast between the NES and Game Boy versions. By now, you’re probably wondering if the Game Boy installment brings any innovations to the battlefield. I have the intel you need—psst, c’mere!

I discovered, to my pleasant surprise, that equipment brought into the level can be switched out in the communications rooms. This is great for switching weapons and gear mid-level, but it’s most helpful for switching communicators. If Spencer takes the wrong communicator into a level with him, he can’t get the intel he needs, and the boss door won’t open. In the NES game, this required exiting the level and replaying the whole thing with the correct communicator. The Game Boy game corrects this annoyance for a much appreciated quality-of-life improvement.

Standing outside a communications room.

Some unexpected additions to the in-game action include a capture sequence, which sees a bunch of enemies get the drop on Spencer in a certain area and throw him in a holding cell. An ally busts him out, but he must then search the level for his confiscated equipment. I immediately thought of the capture sequence in Metal Gear when I ran across this, but I found it was not executed quite as well. What should be a thrilling equipment recovery just sort of plods on for too long. This sequence, along with a handful of others, also feature extended dialogue between Spencer and his allies and/or rivals. It all adds a little to the story, but I can take it or leave it.

Other additions include a new last level and some new music. The new last level is the greatest challenge yet to Spencer’s grappling abilities (I died a lot, in other words), and adds additional weight to the Albatross Project. Some of the music in this game is remixed from the NES game, but some new tracks are included, as well. It’s all really good—as always, I am astonished by the quality of music that composers produced from the Game Boy’s sound chip. It’s really good stuff.

As a longtime fan of the NES Bionic Commando, I think it’s fair that I had trepidations trying out the Game Boy version for the first time in earnest. However, I can happily report that, now that I have the whole story, any fears I had regarding the quality of this game were in vain. Bionic Commando on Game Boy is legit. While not quite as emotionally impactful as the NES version, all the grappling and run-and-gun action is here, the soundtrack is superb, and the game looks great. Fans of the series or sidescrolling action games, in general, should play this one without delay!

Was I a Bad Enough Dude to finish Bionic Commando
Yes
Is Bionic Commando Bad Enough to play again?
Yes

Screenshot Credits: MobyGames

Play By Play - BurgerTime Deluxe

Mon, 25 Sep 2023 00:00:00 -0500

Year: 1991
Platform: Nintendo Game Boy
Notes: Also available on Nintendo Switch Online; don't play hungry.

BurgerTime! The arcade classic! Data East’s crowning achievement—move over, Captain America and the Avengers! Even Bad Dudes Vs. Dragonninja, the very namesake of this website, cannot compare. Peter Pepper’s got burgers to make, and why should it go well?! Because President Ronnie enjoys them, and how can he go out for burgers with the Bad Dudes (the real Bad Dudes, not Craig and me) if Peter Pepper can’t make them?!

But! Epic burger-making need not be confined solely to the arcade. Did you know that, thanks to the modern technological wonder that is the Nintendo Game Boy, you can now play BurgerTime in the comfort of your own home, commute, or camping trip? On a portable console, no less?!

Surely, I must be joking? Nay, sir or madam. I am not. Enter: BurgerTime Deluxe, now available on your Nintendo Game Boy portable handheld gaming machine. OR, if you’re not living in 1991 like me, on Nintendo Switch Online’s growing library of Game Boy titles. I was already excited about Game Boy games being added to the service earlier this year, but when BurgerTime Deluxe debuted, I got so excited I probably knocked over a glass. As an arcade game, BurgerTime took a while to hook me. I used to think it was just too hard, but it has grown to become a favorite as I’ve gotten older. I never played this Game Boy version, so I had to check it out.

The first thing one must understand about BurgerTime is that it’s completely absurd. The goal, as Peter Pepper, is to assemble giant hamburgers from ingredients scattered around a screen of Donkey Kong-esque platforms and ladders, while at the same time avoiding anthropomorphic hot dog, egg, and pickle enemies. As Peter walks over the burger patties and buns and toppings, they fall to the level below. Once all the pieces have fallen to the bottom of the screen, and all burgers are built, the next level begins.

The opening level, with burgers awaiting assembly.

Should Peter Pepper find himself in a pinch, surrounded by enemies, he can use his trusty pepper shaker to orchestrate a sneezing-induced escape. He has a limited number of shakes, however, so just a dash of pepper, please! Peter can also crush enemies with falling burger pieces, or catch them on the pieces as they fall, causing the ingredients to fall multiple levels due to the extra weight.

My main question—nevermind the evil, living food in hot pursuit of Peter at all times—why are these burgers so large? The reality, of course, is to complement the larger-than-life arcade aesthetic. BurgerTime wouldn’t be much of a game if Peter assembled ordinary, palm-sized burgers, would it? The players wouldn’t even be able to tell what’s going on! So, the burgers are huge. Perhaps Peter is here to solve world hunger, or is prepping burgers for a competitive eating contest? And, have I mentioned Peter is walking on these ingredients with his dirty shoes?! How does that work? Is he kicking them off the side of the platform and down to the next? Completely unsanitary. Shame on you, Peter! I can’t stay grossed out, though—the game is too fun.

So, let’s talk about BurgerTime Deluxe, specifically. I already loved the arcade BurgerTime, so how does the Game Boy version compare in the ultimate taste test? Surprisingly well. Not only is the game a fresh new take on the arcade recipe, but it adds its own special sauce to dress up the experience.

To start, there’s a little bit of a story here. Nuten Doughnuts has just moved in next door to BurgerTime, and sends the evil hot dogs, eggs, and pickles to put the competition out of business! Diabolical! While it’s nice to have some context as to why these foods seek and destroy Peter, I’m personally happy to go for both a hamburger and a donut, so I don’t see an issue here, but it clearly doesn’t work for Nuten.

This seems mean-spirited and unnecessary.

Secondly, there is more variation in levels, some featuring even larger burgers, others with trick ladders that only appear after a number of burger pieces have dropped, and some that loop endlessly horizontally, which can add a level of strategy (or danger) to Peter’s movements. The extra level types add some variety and, combined with avoiding enemies, can create something of a puzzle-platforming feel to certain stages, which I came to really appreciate. Additional power-ups not found in the arcade game can also be collected, such as extra lives, french fries that temporarily clear the screen of enemies, and bars of spicy chocolate that render Peter temporarily invulnerable. (My wife can relate—spicy chocolate makes her invulnerable, as well!) The power-ups appear almost exclusively in dangerous, out-of-the-way places, however, so prepare to take a risk collecting any of them! They like to show up at the very end of the level, too (particularly 1-ups), when Peter is wrapping up the last burger. So tempting!

You like how that 1-up appeared just as I was about to finish the level? Uggghhh.

Unlike the nigh-infinite arcade iteration, there is an ending to BurgerTime Deluxe, upon completion of six worlds consisting of four levels each. This is a great format for a portable version of this game. In the infancy of the Game Boy, its games were typically built for bite-sized sessions, respectful of time-sensitive situations like rides in the car and short battery life. This, combined with a password feature, makes BurgerTime Deluxe a great option for brief bursts of play, perfect for subway trips to and from the office, or for parents of small children expecting to be called into duty (and possibly doody) at any moment.

As a result of these short play sessions, World 6 stymied me for quite a while. The difficulty spike made for a whopper of a challenge, and with just a few minutes at a time to devote to it, I found it difficult to get into a groove. A new and disturbing enemy type flattened me left and right, and some cunning level designs demanded quick reflexes and crafty footwork to escape the bad guys. I finally got so into it that I stayed up extra late one night and played until I beat it. The challenge was intense, but the satisfaction of seeing the end once and for all satisfied my hunger.

Burgers of impossible size!

Once BurgerTime Deluxe is finished, the high score chase is on, as players can try to finish the game again with fewer lives lost and more points scored. The game offers unlimited continues on a game over, but should the player continue, the score resets to zero, so there is incentive to get good and complete the game with as few lives lost as possible.

As a fan of the arcade original, I had a blast with BurgerTime Deluxe. When I sat down to play a video game after a long day of work, chores, and child-rearing, but didn’t have time to dive into something big like Skyrim, building some burgers and dodging hot dogs for 15 or 30 minutes proved to be a delicious alternative. I found the achievable ending, updated variety of levels and power-ups, unlimited continues, and ability to play in bite-sized sessions all made the game challenging, yet enticing enough to want to go back again and again and finally beat that level I was stuck on! It’s quintessential handheld gaming, especially of its own era, and certainly one of the better arcade reimaginings I’ve played on the Game Boy. Give this one a try on Switch Online. Don’t have a Switch? Have it your way—pick up a copy at fine 1991 video game retailers everywhere!

Was I a Bad Enough Dude to finish BurgerTime Deluxe?
Yes
Is BurgerTime Deluxe Bad Enough to play again?
Yes

Fix Nintendo Switch Joy-Con Drift in 108 Steps or Less!

Thu, 24 Aug 2023 00:00:00 -0500

Bandit. 75 yards. She’s the night watch, standing guard on the fringe of camp. I take aim. I tap my left analog stick ever so gently. Just a slight step to the left to clear some brush. I release.

I...miss?

The cause is clear: I'm still moving. My thumb is completely off the left analog stick, yet I’m drifting slightly to the left. My arrow, too, drifts left, alerting the night watch, the entire camp, heck, probably even a bear somewhere off in the woods. Disaster.

Now, I’m on the run, a calamity of axe-wielding bandits behind me. Me, a bad enough dude, turning tail from this bunch of lowlifes? I won't be able to show my face at headquarters for weeks!

What happened? Could this be it? The infamous Joy-Con drift plaguing Nintendo Switch owners everywhere from Zebes to Fourside? Whatever it was, I didn’t like it.

Maybe I should try another game? Just to be sure?

I return to the menu, parse through my recently played games, and load Donkey Kong. I’m near the top of the first level, and Mario runs off the left side of a girder of his own accord, like an idiot. Can he not see the certain death awaiting him?! Again, I am not to blame. I would never do such a thing to this venerable plumber. My thumb was off the stick long before Mario’s untimely demise.

This is not a drill. Joy-Con drift is real, and I am personally affected. So, what now?

I lose myself in my bad enough ponderings. I have to do something. I simply can’t continue my adventures with faulty equipment! Too much at stake—kingdoms, galaxies, banana hoards. Without a left Joy-Con operating at peak efficiency, I’m not me. I’m not bad enough. And Video Game Land deserves a bad enough dude.

I consult the internet, a wellspring of knowledge, both dependable and not-so-much, on the home repair of video game consoles and peripherals. Perhaps here, nestled among the ads for “the most realistic PC game of 2023” and shirts with cringe-worthy empowering comments for middle-aged women on them (for which I am part of the demographic, apparently?), I will find the answers I seek.

The first, easiest solution, it would appear, is to simply recalibrate my Joy-Cons. Perfect! I'll be back to saving the universe in no time!

Credit: Futurama/20th Century Fox

The recalibration is a success, but during a quick test, Mario still decides running off the side of the level would be more fulfilling than combat with a giant ape.

The easiest solution, it would appear, is insufficient for my universe-saving needs. Time to regroup! Again, I consult the internet. And while I am briefly tempted by a scintillating ad for a wine o’clock t-shirt (for which I am part of the demographic!), I escape commercialism just in time to investigate my next potential fix: cleaning the Joy-Con! This should be no problem. A seasoned retro gamer like me has a whole drawer full of security screwdrivers and bits to disassemble even the most locked-down classic consoles and game cartridges. I’ve cleaned dust and gunk and spider webs out of any number of electronics. I even found a dead wasp in an NES one time. I’m ready for this task. Let’s get to work!

Except that...well, upon further inspection, it would appear I do not have the tools necessary to disassemble a Joy-Con. Again, I am stymied, this time by tiny three-prong security screws. Is this bad enough dude doomed to a future of frustration and mediocre, left-drifting adventures? A future of not really being a bad enough dude anymore?

No. I refuse. I’m back on the internet, on the hunt for these Switch-specific security screwdrivers. I find some, but along the way, I find it’s just as cost-effective to simply buy a complete Joy-Con analog stick replacement kit, tools and parts included. Handing over my hard-earned gold, I pay a faceless corporate conglomerate the necessary funds to procure the kit from another faceless corporate conglomerate and ship it to HQ. Ugh. The mires I am willing to dredge for the sake of enjoying my hobbies to their fullest.

Credit: The Simpsons/20th Century Fox

The kit arrives. Now is the time. I muster every bit of knowledge, patience, and manual dexterity I’ve gained from previous controller repairs and PC builds. I briefly flash back to the trauma of replacing the battery in my wife’s Macbook—four hours of delicate work, a 108-step process, and an incident where I very nearly could have burned our house down if my attempt to pry the old battery out with a butter knife had been executed with slightly less finesse and/or slightly more stupidity. A drop of flop sweat hits the counter. I’m ready, but I’m not ready.

My first task, aside from removing the screws and back casing of the Joy-Con, is—flop sweat increasing—remove the battery. Which is slightly taped down to increase complication, of course. The guide I found on the internet that walks me through the replacement has this to say:

I KNOW.

Fortunately, the Joy-Con battery proves far more cooperative than the Macbook battery, and I remove it without a house fire, or even too much resistance.

Next, I remove a piece of plastic inner framing, and I can finally see the metal baseplate of the finicky analog stick. But wait! Before the stick comes out, a tangle of paper-thin cables must be disconnected, first by unlocking the connectors by flipping up nigh-microscopic latches, then delicately pulling the cables out of their slots, preferably without causing any damage along the way and nullifying this entire operation.

Sweat collects on my brow. I swallow hard. Losing confidence in my ability to not screw this up, I consider aborting and putting the Joy-Con back together as it is. A drifting Joy-Con is only a little bit better than a nonfunctional Joy-Con, but it’s still better, right? I wonder how much Geordi La Forge worried about permanently damaging Lieutenant Commander Data any time he had to poke around in his positronic brain. If it was anything like this Joy-Con, I feel like he should have been pretty worried. There is almost no substance to these cables—their disintegration between my fingertips seems imminent as I try in vain to keep them out of the way of my work.

Finally, I remove the analog stick. I also bump the spring assembly holding the L button in place, causing an additional spray of tiny pieces across the countertop. Oops. At least I had the sense to take pictures along the way, so I should be able to put it back together? Should.

I slot in the new analog stick and work my way backwards through the removal steps to reassemble the Joy-Con. To my surprise and delight, everything fits the way it should, and I don’t have any leftover pieces by the end of the process, which is something of a rarity for me when I do this type of work. This is why the Enterprise would never let me work on Data, but at least I wouldn’t have to answer his awkward questions about why I didn’t replace the third screw of his cranial assembly and why there’s a weird bulge in the side of his head now, or whatever. Geordi’s an engineer; I’m a dude with a drawer full of tools.

The kit also includes a second analog stick, by the way. In case I need to do this again. Great. Another possibility to worry about needlessly, forever.

My repair is complete, but does it work?! Did I remember to reattach all those waifish cables? Did I accidentally smear too much rye and Slim Jim grease on the components?

Only one way to find out: I load Skyrim and put a wandering skeleton out of its misery from an impressive distance. All is well.

I’m back, and Video Game Land is safe. For now. See you next mission, and thanks for reading!

[One Last Credit: the title graphic for this post is an homage to this silly tweet from Eric Bailey, which may or may not be around much longer, depending on the future of the Twitter platform.]

Play by Play - The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim, Part 2

Thu, 29 Jun 2023 00:00:00 -0500

Year: 2011
Platform: Nintendo Switch
Notes: We own this game on three different platforms, so it feels REALLY neglectful that this is my first playthrough.

Looks like somebody hasn’t been a bad enough dude to keep up with his bad enough blogging!

To be fair, child number two arrived about three and a half months ago, and my previous entry was my last hurrah before diving headlong into that newborn delirium. So really, I’m still bad enough, but as a father, as opposed to setting high scores and saving the universe, at least for the time being.

While I was away from the internet, I am pleased to report that my adventures in Skyrim continued! No, I haven’t been burned to cinders by a divebombing dragon, entombed by the restless Draugr, or had my head stuck on a pike at the entrance to some bandit hideaway. I mean, not yet, anyway. It could happen. I have apparently made a lot of enemies.

Most importantly, I haven’t gotten bored with the game or utterly consumed by familial duties, either! Since the birth of our second little one, the last 45 minutes of my days (prior to collapse by exhaustion, of course) have been spent in gleeful, delirious exploration of an unreasonable number of crypts, caves, snow-capped peaks, dragon aeries, and more. (There’s not enough time in the day for blogging, though. Obviously.) I’ve surmounted the learning curve and finally feel like a competent player, able to maintain my poise when fights go awry or when wily brigands get the jump on me. Word of my deeds reaches from Whiterun to Falkreath to Solitude to, most recently, Winterhold and Riften. All manner of adversaries lie at my feet, having tasted bow and blade. Dragons? Skeletons? Mudcrabs?! None are safe. Beware, evildoers! Scholtz, ranger of the northlands, stalks you even now—well, between tasks on my endless list of sidequests, anyway. Gotta ignore the plight of Tamriel for some sweet XP and the accolades of the locals, am I right?

All of that being said, I kind of dread how little of Skyrim I have actually seen. Despite my many escapades, all my accomplishments, all my hours of playtime, have I experienced even a quarter of the game’s content? Highly unlikely. It’s a thought as intimidating as it is exhilarating. It’s the same feeling that, despite my love for roleplaying games, makes me hesitant to start any new ones these days, which is a separate topic that might be worth exploring another day. Somehow, Skyrim managed to crack the code—I think I’m in this one for the long haul.

The telltale sign of a boss battle: one sarcophagus surrounded by burning candles at the end of a long room.

One of Skyrim’s systems that drives me to keep playing is the skill progression. Characters get better at skills as they use them. The more locks Scholtz picks, the more his lockpicking skill improves, and so on. In addition to this skill gain, when he levels up, he also gets one perk that affords a further bonus in a selected skill. I dictate Scholtz’s character class by focusing on certain skills and perks. I prefer this system to getting a bunch of points on a level-up and trying to suss out the skills in which to distribute them, potentially dumping a bunch of points into an unwanted or unneeded skill. Skyrim’s system feels more logical, not to mention more thrilling. Planting an arrow in a scumbag’s head from 150 yards and seeing that archery skill tick up a notch? Delightful. This is also one of the reasons I liked Ultima Online so much. In UO, skills increase as characters use them, and skill gain gets so slow as it reaches the upper echelons that every 0.1 percent gained offers a hefty dopamine hit. I get the same feelings of satisfaction and accomplishment in Skyrim.

Of course, all this sweet virtual skill gain accumulates at the cost of my real-life writing skill. Let us pay no further attention to that as we continue our discussion.

Speaking of archery, as my adventures continue, I now depend almost exclusively on stealth archery for combat. I approach it like solving a puzzle, systematically dismantling enemy strongholds from the shadows, picking off my foes one by one, inciting horror and panic in their compadres. Sometimes, it goes horribly awry, and I must flee or brawl my way out of trouble, but when it works out, it really works out. My best showing was at the end of the “Lights Out!” quest, battling Jaree-Ra’s forces in Broken Oar Grotto. While it took some trial and error, I managed to eliminate all of his men at range without detection, leaving the two of us to engage in a final showdown. I feel like it made for a much more compelling, cinematic climax to the quest, rather than an oafish brouhaha with twelve pirates at once, pausing to gulp health potions all the while.

Artist depiction of me arrowing my foes to death. Screenshot courtesy of Homestar Runner.

However, on the topic of close-quarters combat, I’d like to believe I’m competent, at last, which is really helpful on those biffed stealth checks. As I tackled the Saints and Seducers questline, I found myself getting surrounded frequently as I raided their various camps. Per my thought in my previous entry, I shifted to third-person perspective, and it helped me better line up my attacks and keep track of the bandits attempting to surround me. I still have occasional moments of panicked, directionless sword-swinging, but I feel more in control and confident during melee combat.

Shortly after my previous entry, I had a brief period of frustration in which I didn’t really know what to do next. I was overwhelmed by the number of quests on my list, and no matter what I attempted, enemies were getting the better of me. I spoke to my adventuring advisor/spouse, and she told me to just pick a quest, focus my attention on it, and see it through. Then do another, and so on, and that I would find my way. She was correct, unsurprisingly.

She also suggested turning down the difficulty if the game became unfun. What sacrilege. I would never. But then, I did. What insolence! What arrogance! I’m gonna get kicked out of the Bad Enough Dudes!

But, listen. Let me explain! There was one cadre of mages I just couldn’t overcome. I turned the difficulty down a notch, and I finished them off with nary a scratch. It definitely skewed too easy, but I stuck with the new setting a bit longer, fought a frost troll with the same result, and decided to turn the difficulty back up and haven’t looked back. Knowing what I know now, as a more experienced player, I probably could have finished those mages without turning down the difficulty, but at the time, it got me over a frustrating hump and kept me from giving up, so I’m okay with having done it in the moment. Maybe I’ll have to turn it down (or maybe up?) again sometime later in my adventures, but for now, the levels of fun and challenge are perfect.

Also on the topic of fun, Skyrim has been much more fun since I stopped doing bandit hunts. I still fight them here and there, but usually for a bigger reason than collecting a paltry bounty from the local Jarl. For instance, I went after two groups of notorious bandits, the Saints and the Seducers, at the request of the merchant, Ri’saad, which ended up being a fairly long and involved quest line. I defeated both groups, but was later ambushed in Whiterun by a group of four Saints and four Seducers simultaneously, all trying to avenge their respective leaders. It was a nasty fight, with Whiterun guards and other warriors hanging around the town gate all getting involved. One Whiterun guard was killed, and I barely made it out of the encounter alive.

I’m sure this joke is old, but the bears in this game are otherworldly in their power and fury. There is nothing more terrifying than rounding a tree to see a charging bear about to deliver a crushing blow to my skull. From the safety of a distant precipice, I watched a snow bear go toe to toe with a dragon and hold its own way longer than I predicted. It wasn’t quite King Kong versus Godzilla, but it was a much more heated battle than it had any business being.

More terrifying than getting jumped by a Draugr in a dark crypt.

I’m largely ignoring the main quest for the time being, but here are some of my other recent quest highlights (and by recent, I mean over the last three months, because collecting my thoughts on this odyssey of a game has been nothing short of overwhelming):

I reclaimed the Temple of Meridia from a necromancer and his abominations, winning the sword Dawnbreaker in the process.
I reassembled the Gauldur Amulet, trekking through four different ancient burial grounds and defeating the restless spirits of Gauldur’s three greedy sons, not to mention their hordes of Draugr.

In a scrap with one of them ol' Gauldurson boys.

I accidentally indulged in a night of drinking with the Daedric Prince, Sanguine, ending up in a temple in Markarth (halfway across the map from where I was), and having to retrace my steps to find out what happened, and making amends with a number of folks along the way. Whoops. My wife tricked me into doing this quest, but it was ultimately worth it for the entertainment value and absurdity of the situation.
I also accidentally got roped into doing some dirty work for another Daedric Prince named Molog Bol. I thought I was locked into the quest and no longer had a save game handy to load from before I got involved, so I ended up murdering some poor dude on behalf of Bol for the purposes of petty revenge. Ugh. I felt gross in real life. Get bent, Molog Bol. I’m here to shoot arrows in people’s backs, not murder them in cold blood.
A ton of fetch quests. Like, to no end. Skyrim is people losing stuff in random caves halfway across the map. But hey, I gotchu. Your class ring you accidentally dropped in a mine fifteen years ago? Sure. I’ll put everything on hold to go get that for you right now. Nevermind these dragon attacks or whatever. Man, what a sucker I am.
I joined the Mage’s College in Winterhold and became arch-mage of the college after finishing its questline. I initially went in hoping to increase all of my relevant magic skills. They ultimately didn’t improve that much, but I did take part in one of the better stories I’ve encountered in the game thus far, culminating in the retrieval of the Staff of Magnus from Labyrinthian to defeat Ancano, a Thalmor lackey whose power grew out of control, threatening both the Mage’s College and the neighboring city of Winterhold.

Ah, memories of my college days.

I also joined the Thieves’ Guild, and ooh boy. These quests are nothing but heart-pounding exhilaration and adrenaline rushes, what with all the sneaking around. I’m trying to play a morally centered character (except for that nasty bit of Molog Bol business mentioned above), but between the allure of the guild, and the fact that most of the targets are super rich or otherwise deserving of being knocked down a peg, I couldn’t resist. My affinity for thieves’ guilds in video games dates back to Quest for Glory I, in which the thief class and thieves’ guild-related activities were some of the most compelling (and funniest!) pieces of content in the game. These are the quests that stretch play sessions intended to be around 45 minutes to a couple of hours, and have made getting out of bed rather difficult on certain mornings.

The ominous entrance to the Twilight Sepulcher, the thrilling conclusion to a major Thieves Guild story arc.

So, that’s roughly where things stand with Skyrim! The sheer amount of content still overwhelms me, but I can’t deny that I’m having a blast. The immersiveness impresses me, despite being such an “old” game, and I love feeling my character grow in skill and stature as his adventure continues in this living, breathing world. It has come at the right time in my life—while it has been a joyous three months, the stress levels in this household have been otherworldly, as well, and I have welcomed the opportunities to unwind at my own pace in this big beautiful realm, even when those opportunities are brief and spread thin.

Since I can’t put in time to play every day, and rarely for long sessions, I still have plenty to do, so I’m sure there will be a third entry concerning my final thoughts and any big stuff that happens between now and then. Perhaps I can talk about some other games, in the meantime? Or will Skyrim continue to dominate every moment of my available gaming time?!

Until then, take care and thanks for reading!

Play by Play - The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim

Mon, 27 Mar 2023 00:00:00 -0500

Year: 2011
Platform: Nintendo Switch
Notes: FIVE Elder Scrolls games?! Uh oh....

What am I doing? What am I even doing?

Here I am, coming off a year of not playing anything too demanding of my attention, or anything for more than an hour at a time, really, and I decide to start Skyrim?! All these quick and light diversions, all these arcade games typically over in 10 minutes (or less, if I’m being frank), versus one of these sprawling open-world experiences that could conceivably last me 250 hours or more? And, a handful of weeks before our second child is set to arrive?! It was a decision made against my better judgment, I’ll admit.

But, here we are. Before I knew it, I was hip deep in dragon scales and bandit corpses en route to my next in an avalanche of sidequests, so I guess I’m doing this. Maybe I needed a change of pace. I felt it—that unmistakable urge to get lost in a meaty RPG, with an intimidating breadth and depth of setting and lore and things to do. I know I can’t do it all, but hey, that’s where that all-important replay value kicks in. Our resident Skyrim superfan, my wife, has laced up the adventuring boots and completed this game three or four times now, I think? It must be, at least, a mildly compelling experience, and it was time for me to commit to an honest attempt. These immersive 3D experiences aren’t my forté, but the rest of you apparently had a good time with this one. Why can’t I?

The start of a grand adventure.

So, let’s get to it. If you’re like me and somehow forgot to play Skyrim in the last 11 years and need a brief rundown, our protagonist is a Dragonborn—a humanoid with the ability to absorb dragon souls and use dragon spells, called “shouts,” colloquially—who gets mixed up in a civil conflict between the Empire and the Stormcloak Rebellion and is most assuredly destined to dramatically alter the history and landscape of Skyrim forever. Or, just complete sidequests indefinitely. Or both, depending on a player’s level of dedication! I’m playing on Nintendo Switch, for what it’s worth. I also have Skyrim on my PC, where it would probably run better, but for the time being, my life demands portability over performance.

I’m playing a character that I would consider to be a ranger, or maybe a hunter—you may use a different term altogether. He’s a Breton stealth archer with an emphasis in alteration and restoration magics, for the purposes of casting healing and buffing spells to supplement his hunting and combat abilities. He can melee in a pinch, as well, but is bad at that, so prefers ranged attacks. I’ve been kind of obsessed with this type of character build in RPGs for some time now. The last time I played Ultima Online, my character was an “adventuring lumberjack,” who was basically this same character, but fought with a big axe instead of bows. The one time I played all the way through Pools of Darkness, I ended up with two ranger-mages in my party by the end of the game, which is something I wasn’t expecting at all, but it worked out really well, and proved vital in the final battle. I kept trying to play ninjas, but they never felt as good or as fun as I wanted them to, and I landed on this, instead, which has proven to be a solid and entertaining build. His name is Scholtz, which is one of my go-to RPG character names I’ve used time and again. The first Scholtz was my gnome rogue in World of Warcraft, and the character has gone on to endure many incarnations across the gaming multiverse.

It's still a very pretty game, after all these years.

Now, when I say that Scholtz is bad at melee combat, it’s not so much him. It’s me. I’m bad at melee combat. As soon as an enemy is within four feet, chaos ensues. A casual observer won’t be whistling Duel of the Fates during my close-range engagements. It’s more like watching a dude wearing a blindfold, equipped with a club too heavy to wield. I frequently lose track of my opponents in the fracas, spinning every which way in a panicked attempt to find them while they continue to pound on me unabated. There’s a reason picking off wolves and bandits at range with a bow feels so good to me, and that reason is the genuine need to avoid melee at all costs. Maybe there’s a certain realism to this, but if Skyrim is supposed to be a power fantasy, I think competent melee combat should be a part of that. Maybe I need to switch to third-person perspective specifically for melee? A lock-on feature would be nice, just so I’m not swinging wildly in the complete opposite direction of my bewildered, yet opportunistic opponents.

However, that being said, I’m not particularly good at archery, either! I’m too jittery. I’ll fire the arrow clear over my target’s head, or I’ll accidentally hit my own cover trying to be too fine with my shot. I relished one defining archery moment, however, in a burial chamber full of sarcophagi, in which skeletons and Draugr rose from their graves sequentially as I progressed deeper into the room. This gave me opportunities to meticulously pick them off one at a time from long range. My aim was true, for a change, and I felt really cool and powerful and handsome, as one should when battling the undead!

BRB, vacationing here between sidequests.

On that note, these barrows full of Draugr are terrifying. Having spent much of the early game in them to complete quests or find the words of power for shouts or whatever, I’ve found that not knowing when a batch of dead bodies is going to spring to life in the dark and plunge axes into my skull is rather unnerving. Sometimes there are ghosts, as well, but they don’t seem very good at combat or keeping watch, usually coming off as aloof and shockingly vulnerable to my sneak attacks. Come on, ghosts! You are of an astral realm! Are you telling me you can’t detect my mere mortal presence?!

To be honest, the majority of my experience thus far has been clearing caves and barrows of bandits and Draugr. I’ve collected enough bounties on bandits that the task has lost all meaning. Heck, a dragon picked a fight with me the other evening, and, despite the incredible peril, I practically felt relieved that the battle involved something other than bandits.

I decided I needed to find some more interesting adventures, and boy, did I get one! I went to Falkreath and heard word of a dog hanging around outside of town, so I decided to investigate. Upon locating the dog, I discovered the dog could talk! A talking dog! Why didn’t anybody tell me about this? I would have played Skyrim years ago!

What were you smoking when you came up with that?

Anyway, the talking dog quest took me across multiple locations and regions and pitted me against a couple of vampire nests en route to reuniting the dog with his Daedric companion, Clavicus Vile. Also, for the record, the dog, whose name is Barbas, by the way, fought with the vigor and valiance of Dogmeat from the Fallout series, and proved to be the best adventuring partner I’ve encountered thus far.

Overall, Skyrim has held my interest to an embarrassing degree. I swallowed the hook on this one. I wasn’t expecting it to quite capture my attention to this level, but here we are. I guess I should have taken the hint from my wife playing it so many times. This is only the beginning, as well—I suspect I’ll have enough additional things to say to warrant a Part 2. Until then…or until my next post about something else, whichever happens first.

Thanks for reading!

My Top 10 Games of “2022”

Thu, 23 Feb 2023 00:00:00 -0600

Another year has come and gone, and with that, another journey through the fabulous medium that is video games.

As you know by now, I like to offer a brief summary of my thoughts on the games I played in a given year in the form of these Top 10 lists. However, 2022’s journey through games proved something of a departure from the norm. It was the year of the pick-up-and-play experience, dominated by arcade games, co-op outings with Craig (both online AND in-person), and other short, controlled bursts of gaming joy. Not a single meaty RPG, or any game requiring a lengthy amount of attention or dedication, for that matter, made this year’s list. In other words, when I played video games in 2022, it was either by appointment with Craig, or where I could steal fifteen minutes here or there to sneak in a quick game of a favorite arcade classic, or to hastily guide Samus Aran from one save room to the next before bedtime.

Are you ready for my Top 10 of “2022?” Here are this year’s criteria:

I beat the game for the first time in 2022. “Beat” simply means I saw the end of the game—it does not necessarily mean I’ve seen or done everything the game has to offer.
If the game is a high-score chaser or otherwise doesn’t really have an ending, just playing a lot of it makes it eligible.
I try not to repeat games that have made my Top 10 lists before. For example, I played a lot of Donkey Kong and Stardew Valley this year, but those games have already received coverage, so I left them off this year’s list.

Let’s get started!

Honorable Mention: Super Mario Maker 2 (Switch, 2019)

I mentioned in a post last year that my appreciation for Super Mario Maker 2 grew once I started building levels with my daughter. Before that, I was mostly just disappointed in my mediocre-at-best level designs—Shigero Miyamoto, I am not. However, collaborating on levels with her and getting to watch her play the levels I build adds a completely new dimension and exhilaration to the experience. Whether we’re throwing a bunch of crazy crap into a hellscape devoid of logical design, or I’m crafting an elaborate puzzle for her to solve, it’s been a great bonding experience for the two of us.

She’s not great at games (yet), so it’s sometimes hard for me to strike a balance between the level I want to build, and a level I know she will be able to both finish and enjoy. However, I’m getting better at it, and so is she, so I’m excited to see what we come up with in the coming years.

10. A Short Hike (PC, 2019)

A Short Hike received attention in my post about relaxing games. But, if this is the first you’re reading of it, A Short Hike follows Claire, an anthropomorphic bird person, on an isometric getaway with her Aunt May to Hawk Peak Provincial Park. Here, Claire is able to get away from it all, explore the island thoroughly (or as little as possible), and solve some minor puzzles and fetch quests for other park visitors. However, she’s also expecting a phone call and spends much of her time on the island preoccupied by getting to a spot with enough signal to receive it. No, there is no world-saving in this story, but it’s not without its intrigue.

I appreciated the freedom A Short Hike offers. At its core, it’s pretty standard fare—a main quest of reaching the summit of Hawk Peak, and numerous sidequests helping other visitors or finding and solving some light puzzles. However, aside from collecting Golden Feathers, which improve Claire’s movement ability and are needed to reach certain areas, she’s free to do what she wants on the island, without a doomsday clock or a world-in-peril surrounding her. Despite Claire’s preoccupations (totally relatable, by the way—who hasn’t been on a family trip, but didn’t appreciate it at first because of some weekday stressor?), the game delivered a relaxing, stress-free experience for me. I didn’t have to worry about Claire dying or missing important story beats. It was just fun.

[Image Credit: Mobygames]

9. Kirby's Dream Course (SNES, 1994)

Something I never expected in life is how gripping I find these ridiculous golf video games. I am not a golfer or even a golf fan in my day-to-day, but sit me in front of the TV with a golf video game? Easy chip-in.

So, here we have Kirby’s Dream Course, which ostensibly is miniature golf, but Kirby is the golf ball. Players putt Kirby into enemies on the course, eliminating them until the hole appears. From there, it’s a race to see which player can sink their ball first. Plus, there are plenty of Kirby tropes here, such as power-stealing, cute aesthetic, Whispy Woods wasting space, as always, and so on.

Craig and I play this frequently on Nintendo Switch Online, and it has become comfort gaming over the last couple of years. It’s a game in which we don’t have to devote a lot of thought or effort, but it’s just competitive enough to stay engaging. And, with four courses from which to choose, Kirby’s Dream Course also offers plenty of variety and a desire to suss out the tricks, hazards, and idiosyncrasies of each hole.

[Image Credit: Mobygames]

8. Pac-Man 256 (Switch/PC, 2015)

Having played Pac-Man 256 on my PC sporadically over the last few years, I knew I liked it, but I never got super into it. However, I bought Pac-Man Museum+ on a Black Friday sale last year, which includes Pac-Man 256, and thanks to the versatility and portability of the Nintendo Switch, the game took a turn for the much more accessible and addictive. Oh no.

Here, players control Pac-Man and do normal Pac-Man things (eat dots, dodge ghosts, get high scores and score multipliers, shoot lasers at ghosts—wait what?), while navigating an endless maze. However, the maze is slowly, but constantly consumed by The Glitch (a reference to the 256th level of the original Pac-Man arcade game, and this game’s namesake), so players have to keep moving or be swallowed by a hungry mess of garbled graphics.

I love the high score chase, so I naturally keep coming back to this one. Plus, there’s enough randomness and variety of hazards, bonuses, and power-ups to keep Pac-Man 256 endlessly interesting. Also, I recently discovered its co-op mode, which I have tried with both Craig and my daughter. She doesn’t really care for it—I think there is just too much happening for her eyes and reflexes to keep up, but Craig and I could potentially sit and play it forever, if only those dang red ghosts would leave us alone, already! Get out of here!

7. Vampire Survivors (PC, 2022)

How’s this for a change of pace?! It’s not often I pick up a trendy new game the year of its release, but Vampire Survivors is one of those outliers. I just saw somebody talking about it on Twitter one day, got curious, tried the free version on itch.io, and instantly grew addicted. It seemed so simple, innocent, and charming—all I had to do was move my Castlevania-inspired characters around as they auto-fired projectiles at hordes (literal thousands) of spritely skeletons and bats and so forth, pick up gems and treasure boxes, and have a day.

BUT, I soon discovered so much more. There is a deep strategy to finding effective weapon and upgrade combinations. I’m paraphrasing Jeff Vogel here, but a well-played game of Vampire Survivors is one in which, by the late game, the player doesn’t even have to move their character—the projectiles will take care of everything for them. Not only that, if you pair the right weapon with the right upgrade, and the weapon is leveled up completely, it will evolve into a new, even more effective superweapon. However, I couldn’t keep up with the evolution requirements for each weapon, so I became a madman and started taking notes. Many of the levels have their own secrets and special items to collect, as well. It’s a straightforward game at a glance, but there is a lot of nuance and intrigue going on here. I still have a bunch of secrets to find and characters to unlock. There’s a good chance the soundtrack is playing in my head at any given moment, as well, especially that Inlaid Library theme.

Still not sold? One of the playable characters is a dog. I dunno—lots of incentive to try this one. One of the best games of my 2022, but also one of the best games to actually release in 2022!

[Image Credit: Mobygames]

6. Mario Bros. (Arcade and NES, 1983)

It’s only appropriate that Craig covered Mario Bros. in his Arcade Archivist series last year, as we both spent a lot of time guiding Mario and Luigi through the dangerous, but profitable, sewers beneath New York (I guess?) in search of points and glory. The Arcade Archives version on Nintendo Switch is the superior iteration of Mario Bros., but it lacks an online 2-player mode, so it’s best for the single player experience. For a 2-player game, we play the NES version on Nintendo Switch Online. We probably both played it at the Underground Retrocade, as well.

Here’s the thing about a 2-player Mario Bros. game: we do our best to help each other out, to try to push each other to the best scores we can get. However, it rarely works out. Things will start out great, but then I’ll accidentally push Craig off a platform and into the waiting claws of a Sidestepper. Craig will then accidentally bump me from underneath, directly into the path of a fireball. Then the POW block will be hit unintentionally and flip a Shellcreeper back on its feet just before one of us is about to knock it off the screen. Once a couple of mistakes are made, the whole game spirals into a cascading failure of comical blunders. It is a maddening and yet somehow beautiful sequence of events. It comes with the joy of the game, one of my favorite arcade games and a masterpiece of simultaneous 2-player action.

[Image Credit: Mobygames]

5. Metroid: Samus Returns (3DS, 2017)

As a big Metroid fan, I was disappointed in myself for how long it took me to get around to playing Samus Returns. I started playing in 2018, but quickly bounced off of it. A combination of preoccupation with other games and other priorities factored in, but I think the fact that the game is a remake of Metroid II: Return of Samus on Game Boy—my least favorite game in the series—contributed, as well. I struggled to get excited about it. But, in time, it occurred to me that this remake could only be an improvement on Samus’s first portable adventure, and it was time to give the game a playthrough in earnest. (Also, Metroid Dread came out, and it was completely out of line for me to have two mainline Metroid games sitting unplayed in my backlog.) Time to go to work.

Once I put real effort into Samus Returns, I found it to be another great Metroid game! It’s the same story from Metroid II—Samus infiltrating planet SR388 to wipe out the Metroids on their home planet—but there are some new ideas here that work well, such as parrying enemy attacks. It wasn’t really something I thought of before, but it makes sense for Samus’s big honkin’ power suit to be capable of some sort of blunt force, like knocking overly aggressive enemies senseless, leaving them extra vulnerable to a blast from Samus’s arm cannon. I also appreciated the Scan Pulse, which allows Samus to detect hidden passages and items. It’s like the X-Ray scope from Super Metroid, but easier to use. The encounters with the Metroids were often intense, making for a challenging experience, overall. My only complaint was that I had so many abilities by the end of the game that I couldn’t remember to use the appropriate ones when I needed them.

Overall, Samus Returns was some of the most fun I’ve had whilst shouldering the somber task of eradicating an entire species from existence.

[Image Credit: Mobygames]

4. Contra (NES, 1988)

I somehow managed to never beat Contra (at least not without save states or the infamous Konami Code) until 2022. I never owned the cartridge growing up, or when I collected later in life. (It quickly became unreasonably expensive on the used games market.) Contra is an infallible, genre-defining NES classic, but the first Contra game I played was its sequel, Super C, and that has always been my favorite. I don’t dislike Contra! I just like Super C a lot more.

Before my door gets busted in by a clutch of angry gamer bros demanding retribution for the blasphemy of the above paragraph, I must reiterate that I have nothing bad to say about Contra. Except for maybe those over-the-shoulder, inside-the-enemy-base levels, which have always felt a little clunky to me. Besides those, it’s a blast, a game that never fails to deliver fun and hordes of enemies to mow down. Come on. I’m a bad enough dude—of course I like Contra. The sidescrolling levels are all interesting and certainly challenging, ranging from jungle to snowfield to alien lair and more, each with their own unique hazards and appearance. The constant barrage and variety of enemy forces perpetually keep players on their toes, especially those dudes prone to sneaking up behind our unsuspecting shirtless heroes. Finally, the spread gun. Was a finer video game weapon ever conceived? Well, perhaps the Metal Blade, but that’s a debate for another Top 10 list.

The snowfield proves to consistently be my make-or-break level. If I can clear the snowfield without much trouble, there’s a good chance I can make it close to the end of the game. If I struggle on the snowfield, I might as well start over. Those enemy gun turrets trip me up constantly.

[Image Credit: MobyGames]

3. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Shredder’s Revenge (Switch, 2022)

The beat ’em up revival continues! As you may recall, the Streets of Rage franchise made its glorious return in 2020 with Streets of Rage 4, making my Top 10 list last year. Now, in 2022, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles gets its much-deserved modern sidescrolling beat ’em up in Shredder’s Revenge. I got to play this with Craig at his house when I visited last year, so we were able to fully embrace nostalgic couch co-op, in the same vein as playing TMNT: The Arcade Game on NES together as kids all those years ago.

Complete with an aesthetic and voice talent directly from the cartoon of the 1980s and 90s, Shredder’s Revenge couldn’t be more fun or comforting. It feels like the perfect evolution of the genre, with all the trimmings of the classics. We beat up a bunch of foot soldiers. We fought Rocksteady and Bebop and the rest of Shredder’s dumb friends. And Shredder, of course, who did not get his alleged revenge. We saw cameos by the Neutrinos and the Punk Frogs and the crew at Channel 6 News! The controls felt great! The music rocked! Playing Shredder’s Revenge for the first time was like reliving the day I first laid eyes on The Arcade Game. A radical example of unabashed gaming joy. Cowabunga!

[Image Credit: MobyGames]

2. Heroes of Hammerwatch (PC, 2018)

Another co-op experience, which is proving to be quite the running theme of this list. Craig and I spent a lot of Thursday nights over the last couple of years trying to beat Heroes of Hammerwatch. This Gauntlet-like adventure sees heroes attempting to battle their way to the top of the Forsaken Spire, taking on hordes of monsters while traversing mines, dungeons, an ancient library, the ramparts at the top of the spire, and more. Attempting to battle their way being the key phrase here, as Heroes of Hammerwatch is also a roguelite, meaning every death sent us back to the bottom of the mountain. If we played smart, we at least got to keep some of the gold we earned along the way, which we spent on permanent upgrades that would make the next adventure easier.

Nevertheless, two years. Maybe we were just really bad, despite all those permanent upgrades we accumulated. In our defense, the Forsaken Spire was practically bursting with traps, enemies, and large, unforgiving bosses, including favorite enemy tropes like a vampire and a giant eyeball. What more do you demand from us poor, humble, ill-equipped adventurers?

It was funny—we struggled through the entirety of Heroes of Hammerwatch, but when we finally reached the last area, we cleared it in one sitting, without dying. To finish the game—especially our uncharacteristically efficient trek through the final area—almost felt surreal, given how long we worked on it. Bittersweet, in one way, but maddeningly satisfying in another. Lucky for us, when we want to play again, there are more character classes and a New Game+ mode.

[Image Credit: MobyGames]

1. Metroid Dread (Switch, 2021)

I know it took me a while to get to Samus Returns, but one of the hidden blessings of that delay was getting to play two new Metroid games in one year! It felt like 2002 all over again, when both Metroid Prime and Metroid Fusion were released. The other in this case was, of course, Metroid Dread, in which developers MercurySteam and Nintendo EPD took a lot of the new, good ideas from Samus Returns, put them in a gorgeous, Nintendo Switch-powered presentation (which, relatively speaking, isn’t that powerful, but a vast improvement over the 3DS), and delivered a fantastic new Metroid experience that was originally conceived in the mid-2000s, but thought to be lost to time and technical limitations.

Samus investigates Planet ZDR after the Galactic Federation learns the X Parasite, the big bad from Metroid Fusion, may be alive and well on the planet. They send seven EMMI (Extraplanetary Multiform Mobile Identifiers) robots to investigate, initially, but lose contact with them shortly thereafter, so it’s up to Samus to intervene. This becomes important later, as the EMMIs have gone nuts and attempt to hunt down and kill Samus if she enters their jurisdictions, which is where that titular dread factors in.

On its own, Metroid Dread is a great installment in the series. I really liked the logic and flow of moving between areas and revisiting them later—for instance, an explosion might damage an area and force Samus to find a detour, or an area might freeze over, prompting Samus to investigate what’s wrong with the heater. Metroid Fusion also did this well—I was reminded of it on numerous occasions. The boss battles were difficult, but exciting, and included a familiar face or two. I came to enjoy parrying and became much more adept at it than I ever was in Samus Returns. Plus, a huge subject of curiosity for me was the Central Units in the EMMI zones—they reminded me very much of Mother Brain. They even had Rinkas and laser turrets protecting them, like Mother Brain has in both Metroid and Super Metroid. I suspected there might be a connection, but was left wondering. Bad enough friend Jon suggested I might need to play more of the Metroid Prime series to find a few additional references.

But what about those EMMIs, you ask? Yes, those dreaded EMMIs. They’re fast, nimble, can climb on any surface, and can hear a pin drop. They make these chittery little beeping sounds as they explore, and to hear those beeps a corridor over, getting closer and closer, unnerves me on a level I can’t describe. They can’t be fought head-on, so Samus must do her best to avoid them—quietly, at that—which, in my case, usually resulted in a comedy of errors. Samus gets a camouflage ability later on, but I didn’t have much success using it, often because I made panicked use of it right in the path of an oncoming EMMI, at which point it literally ran into my invisible bounty hunter and scored a free kill. Let me tell you, the anxiety associated with keeping my distance from these things was real and intense. Real intense. I felt the same way I do watching final girls maintaining a slim lead on their slasher adversaries. Mistakes are costly, and nothing was more stressful than when I thought I had finally given an EMMI the slip, only to have it appear in front of me for yet another Game Over. Exhausting, yes, but undeniably fun, as well.

That’s it! That’s the list! What did you think? What were your top games of “2022?” Thanks for reading, and see you next mission!

Extra Life 2022 Recap

Wed, 08 Feb 2023 00:00:00 -0600

Welcome back, bad enough readers! After a long stress/illness/holiday-inspired hiatus, the Bad Enough Dudes are back and ready for another year of stuffing your eyeholes with reams of gaming-related ramblings!

I wanted to start things off with a quick (well, maybe) recap of our 2022 Extra Life charity video game marathon, held on Saturday and Sunday, November 12-13, 2022. I started marathoning for Extra Life in 2015, and, in subsequent years, successfully conned many of my coworkers into the same annual tradition. It is, without question, one of the most fun and fulfilling things I do every year, but it comes at the cost of much preparation and sleep deprivation, typically before and after the event. (Also, it turns out I was sick this year. I thought I was over a cold from earlier in the week and was only suffering from my seasonal allergies. But, nope, sick. A belated apology to my coworkers for breathing all over you and the office for 24 hours straight. I spent the week after the marathon expelling more snot from my body than imaginable—a truly unnatural volume of bodily fluids.)

However, since getting involved with Extra Life in 2015, our team has raised somewhere in the vicinity of $7,000 for our St. Louis Children’s Miracle Network hospitals, facilities that have directly benefited the families of coworkers and friends alike. It’s a great cause, easy to participate, lots of fun, and a perfect excuse to play games for 24 hours and revisit many of my retro favorites. I also have to note that 2022 was our best year yet, with over $2000 raised by the team as a whole.

Anyway, I thought recapping the games I played over the course of the 24 hours would be a good way to get back into blogging shape, so let’s get to it.

Bionic Commando (NES)

Despite being one of my top ten (probably even top five) favorite NES games, I hadn’t played Bionic Commando in quite a while. At least five or six years! Fortunately for me, that good ol’ muscle memory kicked in, resulting in a breezy, but fun-filled playthrough. I had a little trouble with the grappling sequences in the first half of the game, but I worked out the bionic kinks by the latter half. The action and swinging mechanics still hold up, fluid and fun, and the ending still elicits a genuine emotional response. An 8-bit masterpiece.

Ducktales (NES)

Ducktales won the award for “game I most underestimated” during this marathon. Another game I haven’t played for a good number of years, I booted it up expecting the same quick-and-easy experience I got from Bionic Commando. Not so! The Amazon Rainforest level’s mid-air platforming sequence ate up a costly number of lives, which led to a game over about halfway through the game. I forgot Ducktales doesn’t have continues, and a trip back to the beginning of the game taught me my lesson. Ducktales: fun as ever, way harder than I remember.

Kirby’s Adventure (NES)

A late-era NES game that pushes the limits of the hardware, Kirby’s Adventure sprawls across seven worlds of power-stealing, puffball-infused action. It’s another easy experience, but the joy I find in playing Kirby’s Adventure is driven by great visuals and music, experimenting with different powers, fun mini games, and trying to find all the secrets throughout some really great level designs. The final boss was much less difficult than I remember it being, so maybe some games do come easier to me in my old age.

Xeno Crisis (PC)

I played Xeno Crisis for the first time ever during this marathon. It’s like Smash TV mixed with James Cameron’s Aliens. I intended it to be a quick palette cleanser after the rather-lengthy Kirby’s Adventure, but I found myself reluctant to stop playing, blown away by my first experience and wanting more. Alas, I had to move on to the other games on my list. It’s immersive, super fun, and delivers a rocking soundtrack alongside an arcade-worthy experience. That being said, it is, of course, unforgiving in its difficulty, and the continues are limited. Good luck—you’ll need it!

The next three games played were chosen by the donors. I started a new donation incentive during the 2021 marathon, in which I asked donors to pick one Mega Man game, one Castlevania game, and one Mario game for me to play during the marathon. The one game from each series that raised the most money got played. It went well, so I did it again this year, but I eliminated the three games I played last year (Mega Man 6, Castlevania II, and Super Mario Bros. 3) from consideration.

Mega Man 2 (NES)

While I have certainly played Mega Man 2 more than any other Mega Man game (it has appeared in multiple Extra Life marathons, as well), it still proved a welcome addition to this year’s lineup. The only downside to such a great game is how easy it has gotten over the years, as the Metal Blade is one of the greatest video game weapons in the history of the medium. Still, it never feels wrong to fire this one up and give Dr. Wily his much-deserved comeuppance.

Castlevania III: Dracula’s Curse (NES)

Whereas Mega Man 2 falls into the “too easy” category, Castlevania III: Dracula’s Curse will forever occupy the “too difficult” category. The final three levels of this game have, and ever shall be, three of the toughest levels in any game, an unholy trinity fitting of the evil Count, himself. Everything went really well, even the first of those final three levels. However, the last two got me just like they do every time I play, and I was stuck on them for probably 45 minutes. It’s a fantastic game, among my favorites on the NES and in the Castlevania franchise, but enjoying such a good game means absorbing its punishment, as well. A blessing and a curse. (Ha!)

Super Mario World (SNES)

This was a rare instance in which I did not try to find every exit in Super Mario World. It’s such a good game that it’s difficult for me to not want to see all of it. However, it was getting late in the evening, and I knew I still had a fair number of other games I wanted to play, so while I still visited all of the worlds, I took the most straightforward path possible to clear each one. I still had a lot of fun, even though I didn’t see the whole game.

One additional note: bad enough friend Melissa (who was watching and moderating the stream) and I had a lot of fun with the name of the lava-based enemy seen in the screenshot above: Blargg. Blargg, indeed.

Super Punch-Out!! (SNES)

I think Super Punch-Out is something of a diamond in the rough. Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out gets so much (well deserved) praise that one can’t help but overlook Super Punch-Out. And while it’s not quite on the same level as its predecessor, it’s a perfectly cromulent timing, memory, and reflex-based boxing game in its own right. I hadn’t played it for many years, so I struggled with my opponents in the later circuits, most notably Mad Clown, Super Macho Man, and Rick Bruiser, all of whom notched multiple victories against me. Oddly enough, Rick’s brother and final boss, Nick Bruiser, went down in our first fight. The reflex-intensive gameplay helped wake me up for the overnight shift.

NES Open Tournament Golf (NES)

This was a special request from bad enough friend Matt, and honestly, I think I’m just going to add a round of 18 to all future marathons. It’s relaxing, a nice change of pace from all the action-oriented stuff that encompasses most of the marathon, and I think it’s a really decent golf game of its era.

Godzilla: Monster of Monsters (NES)

Godzilla was another game I hadn’t played in years. While I was excited to pick it up for the first time in a long time, it proved to be a less-than-great marathon game. I genuinely like it, but it’s quite repetitive and slow-paced, the latter of which makes sense, as the player controls a lumbering, radioactive dinosaur. Luckily, I played it in the dead of night while only two or three people were watching the stream, limiting the amount of boredom endured by the viewers.

The Guardian Legend (NES)

Another marathon first for me,The Guardian Legend combines vertically scrolling shooting segments with overhead action RPG segments, resulting in a compelling experience greater than the sum of its parts. I can see people possibly getting bored watching this one, too, which is why I played it in the early morning hours—it was more for me than the audience. I was at my most tired here, and I struggled against a good number of the bosses, so I think my exhaustion showed. I still had fun, but between the lack of sleep and my cold (or whatever it was), motivation was low.

Legend of Zelda Randomizer (NES)

I knew I wanted to do something fun, silly, and possibly chaotic to close out the marathon, so I thought a randomizer would be a good idea. Initially, I planned to play the Super Metroid/Link to the Past randomizer combo, but I couldn’t get it to work, so I settled for a Legend of Zelda randomizer, instead. It scrambled all of the dungeon, cave, and item locations, so I had to don my explorer’s boots and spelunker’s gear to check out every known entry to the underworld to find everything. My first (and biggest) mistake was to not take notes on what I found—as soon as I needed to retrace my steps and return to a location, I couldn’t remember where it was. So, I just did the best I could in the remaining allotted time. I think I beat one dungeon? Otherwise, the whole thing was kind of a blur. Given that it occurred during the last hour of the marathon, that does not come as a surprise.

So, there you have it! If my marathon experience sounds interesting to you, feel free to check out our 2023 marathon, coming to you in probably October or November. If I have time, I’ll try to blog about it later this year, and maybe provide some links to get you where you need to go. Until then, we’ll be blasting you with more video game banter throughout the year. Thanks for reading, and see you next mission!

Screenshot Credits: MobyGames

The Bad Enough Dudes in the Underground Retrocade

Wed, 02 Nov 2022 00:00:00 -0500

If you happened to listen to Episode 84 of A Cure for the Common Craig featuring video game movies, you already know that the Bad Enough Dudes were recently in the same place at the same time! I spent some time at the Common Craig Compound for a long-overdue visit, to record the podcast, and to take in a LIVE All Elite Wrestling show!

Even with all of those fun activities, we still had some time to spare, so we visited The Underground Retrocade, an arcade in West Dundee, Illinois. As of this writing, admission is $15 for two floors of all-you-can-play classic arcade and pinball machines.

Oh man, even Beetlejuice loves the Underground Retrocade!

Stepping inside, I was immediately overcome with warm feelings of nostalgia, the crunchy beeps and boops of leaping Marios and gluttonous Pac-Men humming in my ears. Like a moth to a flame, I felt the pull of rows upon rows of screens come to life with colorful characters and enticing demos. I love arcades. I’m young enough that I missed their heyday by just a handful of years. However, their Atari 2600 counterparts birthed my first gaming experiences, which meant I still got to play the games, but perhaps not in their purest forms. I remember spending a lot of weekends longingly walking past the Gold Mine Arcade (later known as Tilt) at West Park Mall in Cape Girardeau, Missouri. I would have loved to have spent more time in there, but I was really young, much too young to actually play any of the games with any semblance of skill. In fact, I couldn’t even reach the controls of most of them, at least not without a stool. Ours was a thrifty family, as well, never one to allow too many quarters to find their way into the slots of hungry arcade cabinets.

As such, the Gold Mine became something of a forbidden city, a curiosity filed away next to the McDonald’s with the big playland that I was strategically kept away from, or the exits on the interstate we never took. Where did those roads go, anyway? Likewise, mystery spilled from the Gold Mine, a mix of digital bleeps and jingles amidst the hypnotizing glow of dozens of screens. Every now and then, I might get to step inside, if only for a moment, as Mom pulled Craig away from a game of Tutankham or whatever, because it was time to go. My memories are too faded to pick out any particular games, but I know the sights and sounds of the inside of the arcade dazzled me. I’m sure I even recognized some of the character art on the marquees of games we had at home, like Pac-Man, Dig Dug, or Frogger. Oh, I wished I could join in on all that fun at the Gold Mine, even if it was just to put in a quarter and die immediately.

Sadly, even at my advanced age, dying immediately at the arcade still happens more often than I’d care to admit. My gaming experience at the Retrocade saw an inauspicious start at the controls of a nasty Popeye machine, where I suffered a Game Over on the first level on my first credit, and on the second level on my second attempt. The sailor man just wasn’t having it this particular evening. I moved on to Dig Dug, then Moon Patrol, and had roughly the same result. In fact, I stunk at just about everything I played. Q*Bert went pretty well, as did Zoo Keeper, but possibly only because nobody else cares about Zoo Keeper and the machine didn’t have any other recent high scores. The rest? Buh. I proved an embarrassment to my alleged classic gaming cred.

The evil Popeye machine blends in with its surroundings, lying in wait for its next victim.

However, that, too, is one of the thrills of the arcade. Playing games in a live arena, outside the comfort of my own home, putting my high(?) scores up against others who have left their marks on the same machines. There’s an unpredictability and an excitement to it, with many variables influencing whether or not I perform well. For instance, the controls might be too loose or too sticky—by that, I mean they may not be responsive enough, or they might literally be sticky from spilled beer or another foreign substance. If the arcade is crowded, I might get distracted by the mingling and conversations around me, or by the expletive-laced rant of somebody whose game of Robotron 2084 just went south in a hurry. And, while I know in reality it’s all random number generation, arcade games can get mean. I might be able to swiftly scale the first level of Donkey Kong nine times out of ten, but on that tenth time, geez, watch out! Barrels will be bouncing all over the screen, defying all common patterns I’ve observed and learned to avoid, and I can’t make it out alive. Again, it’s all part of the programming, but arcade machines have a distinctive way of feeling like they’re out for blood—my blood—and will do anything they can to ensure they get more of my money, or that I don’t make the high scores table. Not only do I have to overcome my own anxieties and idiosyncrasies to set a high score in a live environment, I have to contend with psychotic arcade machines, as well. Yikes.

Ultimately, in spite of all the intangibles and unpredictability of skill-based gaming in an arcade, it’s all part of the fun—the idea of competing and proving myself against other seasoned nerds on real arcade machines. It doesn’t happen often, but when I can manage even a fourth or fifth-place score on the table, it’s exhilarating. Look upon my accomplishments, ye mighty, and despair! Will it impress Steve Wiebe? Eh, probably not. But, I have to start somewhere.

Another favorite we didn't have time to play—Konami's 6-player X-Men machine.

Lastly, there’s a magic to moving from machine to machine, getting to experience everything that makes each one unique. Multitudes of configurations, button combinations, and attractive cabinet art await in any arcade. While a home video game console brings a wide variety of games to life, it provides a consistent button configuration and similar level of technology for each one. It’s not bad, or a detriment, just a different experience from an arcade. A good arcade provides the opportunity to, without running an emulator or taking the time to hook up a bunch of different game consoles, experience decades of eclectic fun and authentic game evolution within the distance of just a few steps. A Space Invaders machine, with its left and right movement buttons and its fire button, might sit next to an Ikari Warriors machine and its peculiar joystick that not only moves the player by being pushed in different directions, but can also rotate the direction in which the player faces by being rotated, itself. Fascinating! A multi-use joystick! Meanwhile, at the opposite end of the room, here’s Crystal Castles and its trackball-based movement. Three games among many, each with a wholly distinct control configuration, and each with its own cabinet, brimming with character and iconic artwork. It’s an experience one can only get in an arcade. What a delight to the senses, both visual and tactile. Assuming beer hasn’t been spilled all over them. I don’t think the Retrocade serves food or drink, so at least you don’t have to worry about it there.

Two floors! And, a glimpse of Craig just after he lost to Arkanoid 2.

While Craig and I didn’t get to spend as much time at the Retrocade as we would have liked (because, honestly, we both could have spent an entire day there and not gotten bored), we departed having played a slew of games of the golden age. We both find a great deal of fun and nostalgia-fueled comfort in arcades, even when we stink at the games. If you like arcades and find yourself in the West Dundee, Illinois, area, stop in and get your fill of classic arcade action. Just watch out for that nasty Popeye machine, and give Bluto a swift, spinach-powered kick to the teeth from me!

Play by Play - Breath of Death VII: The Beginning

Sun, 09 Oct 2022 00:00:00 -0500

Year: 2011
Platform: PC
Notes: Breath of Death I - VI compilation coming soon to Nintendo Switch.

[Author’s Note: This is another unpublished blog I pulled from the depths of my Google Drive to do the heavy lifting while life has been hectic. It reads more like a review than what I typically write for Bad Enough Dudes, but it’ll do. I hope you enjoy!]

Roleplaying games. They’re a lot of fun, but time is always an issue. Committing to an RPG means putting in some 20 to 80 hours of gameplay, and while there’s a good chance it will probably be one of the better games I have ever played, putting that many hours into a game means I’ll be playing it for the next four to six months (longer if the game has sidequests or cooking and crafting). Come on, RPGs! I want to play you, not marry you. That would be weird, and my wife would be pretty upset, too.

But wait! Did you know that an incredible, old school roleplaying game in the vein of Final Fantasy or Dragon Quest exists that will only take you six to ten hours to finish, and it’s also really good? You didn’t? Then stay awhile and listen.

LOOK OUT, a skele—oh, that's you. [Image credit: Zeboyd Games]

Some time ago, Craig introduced me to an Xbox Live indie game called Cthulhu Saves the World, a roleplaying game with 8-bit aesthetics and a charming sense of humor, two traits that will sell me on a game pretty much instantly, especially when their powers combine. Shortly thereafter, I purchased Cthulhu Saves the World on Steam, as part of a 2-pack with a similarly styled RPG by the same developer, Zeboyd Games, called Breath of Death VII: The Beginning. The name screams parody, and the game quickly fought its way to the top of my to-play list. (Relatively speaking—the to-play list is only like 150 games long.) Breath of Death VII: The Beginning proved to truly be the beginning of great things for Zeboyd Games, featuring a streamlined RPG experience, a manageable length, enough RPG in-jokes to give any fan of the genre plenty of delighted smirks and chuckles, and a lot of fun.

Breath of Death VII is the story of a world ravaged by war in the year 20XX, the aftermath of a horrific weapon that wipes out all life on the planet. In time, the undead claim the planet and restore order, medieval civilization, and happiness. Of course, evil decides to show up and ruin everything, so a skeleton knight named Dem takes matters into his own hands (er, bones) to set things right. Joining forces with Sara, the ghostly historian; Lita, a tech-savvy vampire, and Erik the zombie prince, Dem takes on evil in a light-hearted, turn-based roleplaying game.

Might I ask what OTHER RPG gives you the “Call Wolves” command?! [Image credit: Zeboyd Games]

In recent years, a lot of the flaws of roleplaying games of the past have been exposed. Who can forget the endless grinding through legions of monsters for gold and experience in Final Fantasy, or the painfully slow walking speed in Dragon Warrior? At the time, they were just part of the game, but by today’s standards, they feel suspiciously like artificial padding inserted to lengthen the game experience. Can I really say I enjoyed the arduous task of buying 99 heal potions—one at a time—in Final Fantasy so I could survive the next dungeon? It’s something I’d rather forget, and is probably the main reason I tend to play the updated Gameboy Advance version of Final Fantasy today.

The good news is that where previous role-playing games have failed, Breath of Death VII does a lot of things right, namely streamlining the RPG experience. Combat is quick and fun, and all characters have a wide variety of options, including special techniques, magic, and combo techniques similar to those in Chrono Trigger. Instead of relying on piling up recovery items, characters regain all their hitpoints and a few mana points at the end of each fight. (MP can also be recovered at save points.) The pretentious old-school gamer may find this deplorable, but it eliminates repetitive trips to the item shop to stock up on healing potions, and still requires a good deal of strategy in rationing mana points when trekking through a long dungeon. A crafty player might just camp by a save point and plow through all of the fights, but where’s the fun in that?

[Image credit: Zeboyd Games]

Speaking of plowing through fights, there is a set number of random encounters in each area. Players can either let the fights come to them, or they have the option of choosing the “fight” command from the menu and picking a fight whenever they want. The game will either gradually run out of monsters during the player’s trek through an area, or choosing “fight” over and over again can effectively exhaust an area’s population of monsters at the player’s discretion. I found this to be a clever and welcome addition. Finally, Zeboyd solves the age old conundrum of why enemies continue to attack even after seeing hundreds of their ilk slaughtered by adventuring heroes. You would assume they would think better of it after awhile, and Breath of Death VII’s limited random encounters stand in as a sort of creature common sense, saving the lives of so many monsters, not to mention saving players from so many hours of repetitive combat.

On the subject of time, Breath of Death VII is fairly linear and undemanding of players’ available gaming hours. Certain areas, particularly city ruins, are plagued by irritating level design that seems open at first, but actually requires the player to navigate around carefully placed shrubs and other obstacles in such a way that there is actually only one narrow, meandering path through the area, making for some unnecessarily time-consuming adventures. On the plus side, with the exception of a few optional dungeons, Breath of Death VII doesn’t bog the player down with cumbersome sidequests like Chocobo breeding, fishing, or collecting all the golden Skulltulas. I’m a completionist and always get suckered into doing a bunch of sidequests that are more irritating than fulfilling. It was nice to enjoy an RPG without the pressure of finishing a number of optional tasks that aren’t fun, but leave the game incomplete if left unfulfilled.

Dem thinks for silent protagonists everywhere. [Image credit: Zeboyd Games]

Lastly, the game’s sense of humor proved immediately enchanting. Being a skeleton, our main protagonist, Dem, is mocked for his inability to speak, falling into the same mold as many other silent protagonists like Link or Crono. He does have an annoyed, deadpan inner monologue, however, which is brought to the forefront by Sara, the ghostly historian. Sara constantly reads his thoughts and is certain that he is in love with her, irritating Dem to no end. Later, the game notifies you that Dem has gained “relationship points” with Sara, poking fun at any number of romance simulators or RPGs with pedestrian relationship systems. The townsfolk in the various villages offer friendly advice that draws attention to various tropes of the genre, such as bosses being immune to status ailments like blind or silence. Gravestones are almost all adorned with some amusing anecdote or quote concerning the entombed. The game’s cities, such as Motherbound, for instance, all subtly hint at the names of other roleplaying games. I could go on—there’s a lot here to enjoy if you have a sense of humor and won’t be too offended if your favorite game is picked on.

It’s rare when a video game successfully meshes humor with good gameplay, but Breath of Death VII has both to spare. It’s a throwback to the classic Japanese roleplaying game, without the grind, slow pace, confusing menus, or ultra-serious tones. Plus, it’s not every day that you get to play a video game in which you’re the skeleton, instead of the skeleton being one of the bad guys. Give it a shot—I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised.

Play by Play - Relaxing Games

Sun, 25 Sep 2022 00:00:00 -0500

Thrashing evil from one side of the galaxy to another never gets boring, but it can be exhausting. Between all of these ship-flying, street-fighting, vampire-staking, laser-blasting adventures, even Bad (Enough) Dudes have to take a break every now and then! Danger and high anxiety might be what we do best, but sometimes, we want to take a casual walk in the woods, maybe experiment with growing some vegetables, make some friends with the townsfolk (because we like each other as people, not because we rescued them from bandits), and just take it easy for a spell. Is that too much to ask?

Luckily, when I need a break from saving the world, Video Land offers a wide assortment of relaxing experiences to take my mind off things. Two games, in particular, brought their peaceful, cathartic vibes to my screen over the last few weeks. One game is a newcomer, while the other makes a welcome return to my rotation.

What’s that, you say? Why play a game about walking in the woods when I can take a real walk in the woods by stepping outside my front door? Please. Bad (Enough) Dudes do things digitally. Besides, if my grandmother had anything to say about it, there was always a reason for us grandkids to stay inside:

Too hot
Too cold
Too windy
Too sunny
Too wet
There are bees (“They’ll sting you a hundred times!”)
There might be snakes
The neighbors’ bitey dog is out
Your mom and dad are almost here to pick you up

Good enough for me. So, let’s stay inside and check out these relaxing games.

A Short Hike

Ah, what a welcome departure from the daily grind. A Short Hike follows Claire, an anthropomorphic bird person, on an isometric getaway with her Aunt May to Hawk Peak Provincial Park. The park consists of a series of islands only accessible by ferry. Ultimately, at least at this point in the game, Claire’s only goal is to reach the summit of Hawk Peak—the only spot on the island with cell phone reception—so she can receive a phone call. She’s admittedly caught up in her own head over something, so I’m left wondering what’s going on and if the phone call is related.

However, the trip up the mountain can be as direct or meandering as Claire wants it to be. There are plenty of things to do on the islands, including talking to people, digging for treasure, completing fetch quests for needy park patrons (such as collecting 15 seashells for a kid on the beach), exploring the backcountry, fishing (of course), and more. Aside from collecting Golden Feathers, treasures that increase movement abilities essential to Claire’s climb up the mountain, there hasn’t been anything she’s had to do.

Everybody is so polite. Well, except one guy, and maybe he even has his reasons.

Here’s the thing. Based on what I’ve played, which is maybe two hours or so, overall, A Short Hike isn’t structurally any different from any roleplaying game. There’s a main quest—reaching the summit—and a bunch of optional sidequests. The difference is the tone and setting. We join Claire on this tranquil island, where she encounters outdoor enthusiasts enjoying their weekend. If they need a helping hand, it’s to find them a sand shovel or a lost hat or something, not to rescue their kidnapped children from raiders or bring order to a broken community. The setting isn’t a kingdom in turmoil or an active volcano—it’s a provincial park. It proves to be a deeply relaxing and casual atmosphere. Claire can help and interact with folks on the island as much or as little as her mood (and by that, I mean my mood) dictates, with minimal stakes or consequences one way or the other, completely without worrying about XP, reputation points, or sick loot. It may not sound very exciting, but I found tremendous value and peace in this unassuming game about a hike.

Man, all I can say is what a relief. It’s nice to have a break from all that stress. Give me enough games where I can walk around in very pretty places and maybe help some people out with their menial tasks along the way, and I might forget that I’m supposed to be rescuing the president from ninjas or whatever. A Short Hike is charming, funny, and just makes me feel good, like maybe things will be okay. Y’know, eventually.

Stardew Valley

I played a lot of Stardew Valley three or four years ago. I made it to autumn of my second year on the farm before my obsession cooled off and my playtime started to level out. Since then, I’ll play an in-game day or two here and there, but I’ve mostly stayed away.

That all changed a few weeks ago. My daughter was watching me play Metroid Dread. Her aunt came to visit, and my daughter pointed out to her how I was “trying to make a bad guy’s injury bigger.” I figured I’d better put that game away and try something a little less…well, injury-inducing. So, I picked up Stardew Valley for the first time in months and tried to piece together where I left off.

My haphazard greenhouse. This could be better organized, and fuller, but where's the time to do that?

I returned to a farm that seemed to be running pretty well, but with serious inefficiencies and organizational challenges. The farmhouse living room and kitchen were cluttered with chests full of all manner of supplies, cheese presses and mayonnaise machines cranking out product, and decorations that really didn’t go. Meanwhile, at the other end of the farm, a shed housing a handful of preserves jars and kegs produced some meager jams and wine. I thought it might be nice to upgrade to a bigger shed, get some more jars and kegs for increased production, and also move my crafting setup and farming supplies there. Likewise, my house needed a cellar for cheese and mayo-making, as well as aging my goods. With those upgrades, I could clean out the clutter in my house, only store food in my kitchen instead of ore and seeds and goodness knows what else, and finally get more organized. Remember, this is a video game I’m talking about here. Are we having fun or what?!

I used the winter to accomplish all of these organizational tasks, since I didn’t have to spend time watering or harvesting crops. (Well, except the stuff in the greenhouse.) I didn’t quite get done before spring, though—there are still some seeds and other farming supplies to move to the shed, and I didn’t get a chance to re-decorate, either. I also spent much of the winter mining to build up my stone and ore reserves, and chopping down a lot of trees (I have a forest farm), which grew especially thick and were choking out all of my walking lanes. I added some cobblestone walkways to better ensure the paths around the farm stay open.

My new cellar. The dank makes for a fine aged cheddar.

Are you still awake? Again, this probably doesn’t sound very exciting in writing. However, as a video game, all this strenuous farm maintenance offers a catharsis I can’t explain. Maybe it’s the satisfaction of “accomplishing” so much without doing any actual, physical work. Maybe, like in A Short Hike, it’s the tranquil setting and the fact that some would-be boss monster and his minions aren’t trying to beat my door down at any given moment. Whatever the case, it’s more fun than I can explain.

Now, that being said, Stardew Valley does differ from A Short Hike in that I’m running an active farm, and there is plenty of physical labor to endure. I’m not an expert or a powergamer, so as far as I can see, there isn’t enough time in the day to do everything in Stardew Valley. The game runs on a day-night cycle, and if my farmer isn’t in bed by two in the morning, he collapses where he stands and wakes up at Doc Harvey’s clinic the next morning, suffering from exhaustion. It is possible to overwhelm him, and the temptation to do so is very real. It’s easy to give him too many crops to manage. Too many animals to care for. Too many tasks to accomplish for too many friends around town. If I try to do too much, things start to not get done around the farm. The animals suffer. Relationships are tested, like those two days in a row I was in a hurry and managed to hit the wrong button at the wrong time and dug through Kent and Jodi’s trash can right in front of them. What a dumb misunderstanding to have to clear up.

My upgraded shed, with lots of brewing and pickling in progress, and a sweet workshop setup.

Much like real life, the secret to enjoying Stardew Valley is time management. Trying to do too much ends in stress, misery and accomplishing nothing. On the other hand, carefully considering my wants and needs and the available time in which to accomplish them makes for a much more enjoyable experience. It serves as an unlikely reminder to occasionally reexamine my own life, take inventory of how I spend my time, and refocus on the important things. [Insert joke about wasting time playing video games here.]

Bad (Enough) Dudes face a lot of tough and dangerous tasks, but perhaps their toughest task of all is to just relax and stop trying to do so much. Remember to take a break, and thanks for reading!

The Arcade Archivist, Part 2 - Mario Bros. and Pirate Pete

Sun, 18 Sep 2022 00:00:00 -0500

Mario. Everyone knows Mario. If you ask someone what a video game is, there’s probably a very good chance that they might say, “You know, like Mario.” A good majority of people might even know that Mario got his start as “Jumpman” in the original Donkey Kong from 1981, before making a villainous appearance in Donkey Kong Jr., the following year. But from there, I bet things get a little bit fuzzy.

Because of the enormous success of the Nintendo Entertainment System, Super Mario Bros. may be responsible for creating a magic mushroom induced haze in a lot of memories. But before they were super, didn’t they probably have to start off as regular old Mario Bros.? The game, originally released in 1983, then released on Switch as part of the Arcade Archives series, September 27, 2017, returns Mario to his heroic role. He is now tasked with cleaning a variety of little beasties out of the Japanese sewer system, it seems. Or could this actually be the Mushroom Kingdom? Let’s not do that. As someone who grew up watching Godzilla movies in ultra small town America, I prefer to think that there really are turtles (tortoises?), crabs, hopping flies, and slippery ice golem things in Japanese sewers. A magical, yet dangerous place for the uninitiated. Because there are also fireballs! Yeah, fireballs that bounce around and chase you in the sewers! And of course, Japanese sewers are also filled with money. I mean obviously. If you manage to eliminate some of these critters, some mysterious benefactor tosses a coin down one of the pipes to reward you. Probably an elderly person who was tired of getting pinched by crabs emerging from the toilet in the middle of the night, trying to avoid slipping off after ice creatures frosted up the seat.

The most dangerous and yet rewarding sewer possible.

But wait. Isn’t this game supposed to involve brothers? You’d better believe it! Mario’s brother Luigi makes his video game debut here, unless you count the Mario Bros. Game & Watch LCD handheld game, which was actually released a few weeks before the arcade game. Other than his stylish green duds, Luigi is identical to Mario, and would not get his own distinct pixelated appearance until the American Super Mario Bros. 2 in 1988. Due to the fact that Luigi is player two in this game, you may think that it makes him kind of an afterthought. But the two-player mode is one of the things that truly makes Mario Bros. shine much brighter than those dingy old sewer pipes. Many arcade games of the era featured two-player modes, but many of them were players alternating turns. Which, let’s face it, if one player was much better than the other, you may be waiting a long time between turns, just watching their game unfold. But certain games, like Joust (released by Williams Electronics, the previous year), got the multiplayer formula correct. Two-player simultaneous action! That’s right. Both Mario and Luigi, working together or competing against each other for the highest score, and all of those spinning coins in the bonus rounds. It truly is an excellent multiplayer game, something that I don’t believe Nintendo really tried again in a Mario platformer style game until the New Super Mario Bros. series, many years later. Unfortunately, the Arcade Archives version features “couch co-op” multiplayer only. No online multiplayer. Luckily, Brian and I can enjoy the NES port of Mario Bros. on the Nintendo Switch Online service, which is almost as good as the arcade version. Even the Atari 2600 port was pretty solid in the 80s, when I had no other options!

If you look closely, these coins are actually hanging by little strings. So, Nintendo hadn't quite reached floating coin territory by 1983, but it wasn't far off!

Again, Mario Bros. really is about the high score chase. You’re not going to find eight worlds, with multiple sub-worlds here. You’re plumbers, in a sewer, cleaning up vermin for the glory of the high score. But that’s okay. Because while my personal best is comparatively terrible on the “High Score Mode” scoreboard, even after failing to beat my own high score numerous times, I habitually keep going back for just one more game. The simplicity of the gameplay just delivers such an appealing, addictive quality. So I’m not surprised when I get hung up on playing this game nightly for months on end. You know what I do find surprising? That Japanese sewers appear to be completely free of rats. American pop culture has informed me that rats are just constantly pouring out of sewers. But there is one other key element that is missing from this game. Just imagine, you get too close to one of the four pipes, and an alligator suddenly emerges, devouring Mario or Luigi in one gruesome bite! Such a missed opportunity. That would have been much more exciting than that sneaky fireball burning you to a crisp, for the fifth time.

Pirate Pete

Brian actually made me aware of Pirate Pete, a Nintendo Switch Arcade Archives release on June 10, 2021. Pirate Pete? Wait. What is that? Well, it turns out that it is actually a variation of Jungle King. Or is that Jungle Hunt? Okay, so they’re all kind of the same game.

Jungle King was created and released by Taito (developers of the original Space Invaders) in the summer of 1982. The game features a long-haired character in a loincloth, swinging through the jungle on vines. If this sounds vaguely familiar from a pop culture standpoint, the Tarzan-like yell that your character delivers at the beginning of the game should kind of seal the deal. As you can imagine, since the game is somewhat unscrupulously titled Jungle King, this is not an officially licensed Tarzan product. And it seems as though the estate of Edgar Rice Burroughs may not have been particularly pleased. While there were already enough arcade cabinets of Jungle King out in the world to make it a very successful machine, Taito made good by releasing an altered version of the game. Instead of the Tarzan knock-off, you now played as a jungle explorer type in a pith helmet, minus that famous yell, of course. Retitled Jungle Hunt, that machine, too, became a huge hit, and was the version that was eventually ported to home consoles in the 80s.

The Atari 2600 is where I first had the opportunity to play through the game, with the experience being quite refreshing, at the time. Many games on Atari’s Video Computer System tended to seem very simplistic in design. One screen affairs, like their version of Space Invaders, where you might eliminate all of the enemies on one screen, before advancing to a nearly identical screen, albeit with the difficulty likely to be a little more challenging. Rinse and repeat. But Jungle Hunt not only had four different stages to each level, but it also had three very different types of gameplay. First, swinging through the jungle on vines, using timing to advance. In the second stage, you’re swimming in a river. But the river is full of crocodiles. And all you have is a knife to defend yourself. You also happen to be a mammal, so you need to surface to breathe before your air meter empties! It’s a lot to manage. The third stage has you back on land, running to the left, either leaping over rolling boulders, or ducking under any of them that happen to be bouncing along the jungle floor. Thankfully, none of them are quite as large as that gargantuan rolling stone at the beginning of the 1981 film, Raiders of the Lost Ark, which had to have been the inspiration. Finally, stage four, where you must continue to utilize that leaping ability, this time by high-jumping over a pair of cannibals! Of course the ultimate goal is to escape the cannibals and rescue a lady love, which allows you to clear the level, awarding bonus points for any time remaining. If you do not manage to leap over the cannibals, I can only assume that they eat both you and that poor damsel in distress. It’s so 80s, isn’t it? But infinitely more enjoyable than watching the shot-on-video dreck, Cannibal Campout from 1988. And this is where the rinse and repeat begins, as you continue on another level with those same four stages, featuring an obvious increase in difficulty.

You've rescued your lady love! It's a shame she's about to be captured again.

Jungle Hunt seems like it would have been the obvious choice for a version ported as an Arcade Archives game. But no! Hamster, publishers of the Arcade Archives series, decided to surprise everyone by using another variation of the game. Pirate Pete was released into arcades, again by Taito, in late 1982. Perhaps Taito saw the success of Jungle Hunt, being an almost exact duplicate of the original Jungle King, and decided that they could do an even more elaborate graphical overhaul, and sell more machines! Taito would be swimming in gold, me hearties! Because of the pirates. And ahoy indeed, Pirate Pete does have you controlling the titular character, with a number of other alterations. Rather than swinging through a jungle on vines, you now swing across a pirate ship on ropes. And this is clearly the longest pirate ship of all time. I’m talking at least the length of an aircraft carrier. And if you fall off one of the ropes, I mean, so what? Aren’t you simply going to land on the deck of the ship? Is the floor lava or something? I guess the idea is that maybe you’re swinging across the ship of rival pirates. But there certainly are no visible threats. It seems like it would be much easier to just run across the ship and dive off into the ocean. Which leads us to stage two, of course. It’s essentially the same as the previous versions of the game, but the crocs are now sharks and other really angry fish. Stage three is the boulder roll, but with an added challenge. Maybe this happens in later levels of Jungle King and Hunt, as well, and I’ve just never advanced far enough into those games. But you have to time your jumps very carefully here, as constricting snakes emerge from the trees above! Jump too high, and one of them will grab you, dragging you up into the jungle canopy, with you becoming a delicious pirate dinner. And speaking of dinner, those cannibals from the previous games are replaced. Kind of. In their place are pirates. But these pirates seem to have very little interest in a trip to Long John Silver’s, as they still have your lady friend hanging from a rope above a boiling pot. They’re still going to eat her! Cannibal pirates! What a horrifying twist, matey!

They ran out of food on the ship, I guess.

Overall, it seems that Pirate Pete is really just a more challenging version of the previous games. Elements that seem to be reserved for later levels in Jungle King or Hunt, are introduced early on in Pirate Pete. Like the snakes in the trees in the third stage, I’m assuming, along with a knife-throwing pirate who stands on a ledge above the cannibal pirate cookout. The play control for all three arcade versions of the game seems to be identical. I’ve never been too excited about trying to use the knife in the river section, preferring to swim around crocodiles, rather than attempting to stab them to death for points. Not because I’m necessarily opposed to defending myself if something is trying to eat me, but because the hit detection always seems a little suspect. The idea is to try to stab while their mouths are closed. But in Pirate Pete, these fish make that even more daunting. You just know that they’re going to open their gaping maw at any second, reminding me of the nightmare images of gulper eels that I used to see when I was looking up horrors of the deep sea in encyclopedias as a kid. Not to mention that the game seems to throw even more difficulty your way on later levels, depending on the amount of lives you have remaining. Including what seem to be heat-seeking swordfish, that are nearly impossible to outswim! I guess that if you’re going to rely on your not-so-trusty knife, that must be the time to do it.

The horrors of the deep!

Other than the Tarzan yell in Jungle King, the sound effects are really nothing special in any version of the game. However the music, though repetitive, is pretty catchy. Let’s face it, the real reason to play any of the three games these days? Cannibals. Specifically pirate cannibals in this version. And I wondered if the reason that Hamster chose to release Pirate Pete, rather than Jungle Hunt, was because calling someone a cannibal is considered to be insensitive these days. Maybe they hoped the shadow of the Jolly Roger would disguise any thoughts of human-flavored stew in that final stage. Has cannibalism been canceled? If it has, I will not be volunteering to tell the cannibals that they are a thing of the past. Thanks anyway.

The Second Quest - Donkey Kong Country

Mon, 05 Sep 2022 00:00:00 -0500

Year: 1994
Platform: Super Nintendo
Notes: There is, in my opinion, an even BETTER Donkey Kong game from 1994 than this one! Hmm....

[Author’s Note: If the tone of this post seems off, it’s because I wrote it a few years ago for a different blog, and it is just now seeing the light of day, for some reason. It reads more like a review than what I typically write for Bad Enough Dudes. In any case, I hope you enjoy!]

Donkey Kong Country was okay, but just okay, for the longest time. I didn’t jump on the DKC bandwagon until 1996, two years after its release (and after two years of listening to Cranky Kong play that opening victrola jingle on every Super Nintendo in every retail electronics department in the tri-state area). At the time, Donkey Kong Country 3: Dixie Kong’s Double Trouble was the hot holiday item. But, I wanted the first game in the series, not the too-cute-for-a-12-year-old-boy DKC 3, making Christmas shopping for my mother as confusing as possible. As such, she succumbed to the holiday advertising onslaught and got me the third game, instead of the original. I felt bad and selfish at the thought of telling my mom she got me the wrong game. But after much sullen and decidedly un-Christmaslike behavior, I confessed, and it was not a big deal—an exchange was made for the right game a couple of days later, and I barrel-blasted my way through the Kongo Jungle over the remainder of my Christmas vacation.

I beat Donkey Kong Country some weeks later, and felt largely underwhelmed. It was a serviceable sidescrolling action platformer with good music and a lot of character, but where was the content? I felt like I rolled through the game in no time at all, with little trouble along the way. Was I missing something? In my youthful haste, I had largely overlooked Donkey Kong Country’s most compelling feature: secrets upon secrets upon secrets.

Can you hear this screenshot as well as I can? [Image Credit: MobyGames]

The details, people, are depressingly simple. Donkey Kong’s outrageously immense banana hoard has been stolen by King K. Rool and his gang of crocodile men, the Kremlings. It’s up to Donkey Kong and his nephew sidekick, Diddy Kong, to get the bananas back, not only because they love bananas, but because of principles, man. These Kremlings are clearly carnivores—what do they expect to do with all of these bananas, exactly? They’re just bullies, and Donkey and Diddy Kong have every right to stomp their heads and smash barrels right in their stupid faces. Also they said the Kongs look like dorks. As such, Donkey and Diddy traverse Donkey Kong Island, exploring jungles, caves, treetop villages, snow-capped peaks, dirty factories, and more to beat up Kremlings and cause Kong chaos in order to retrieve the banana hoard.

The clumsy Kremlings make a huge mess along the way, leaving bananas all over the place for Donkey Kong to retrieve. Similar to coins in Super Mario Bros., Kong earns an extra life for every 100 bananas he recovers (possibly explaining why the Kremlings stole them, and why Kong has such a huge hoard in the first place), and can also collect the letters “K,” “O,” “N,” and “G” in every level for an extra life, or various colors of balloons for extra lives. The name of the game is lives—you can pile up a lot of them, but expect to lose a good chunk jumping into holes looking for secrets. More on that later. Players can control one Kong or both Kongs simultaneously, and pressing the select button toggles which Kong is in the lead (including an amusing tag-in/tag-out animation that I can appreciate as a pro wrestling fan). Each Kong can only take one hit, but they share lives, so it’s best to have both Kongs with you as frequently as possible to avoid losing a life when taking a hit. Your Kong sidekick can be recovered by finding a “DK” barrel and smashing it.

Rambi rams it up! [Image Credit: MobyGames]

Donkey and Diddy Kong have a variety of moves to best the Kremlings. They can jump on heads, roll or cartwheel through enemies, throw barrels, and even ride certain rolling barrels (an ability I was not aware of until my most recent playthrough, some 17 years after acquiring the game). There are also a variety of animal friends that will let the Kongs ride them, including Rambi the Rhinoceros, Expresso the Ostrich, Winky the Frog, Enguarde the Swordfish, and Squawks the Parrot (you can’t ride Squawks, but he’ll light up a dark cave for the Kongs), each with a specific ability that will make a level much easier to pass. The Kongs can also use barrel cannons to fire themselves across pits or into secret areas. Some levels employ series of moving barrel cannons that, when timed properly, will shoot the Kongs across extended bottomless areas. The iconic barrel-blasting sequences are great fun and play a significant role in setting Donkey Kong Country apart from its contemporaries, and is still a key element in recent Donkey Kong Country games. A lot of satisfaction can be found in getting the slick timing down, as well as the sound of the firing barrels.

Levels are well designed and have just the right amount of challenge to be demanding, but not frustrating. Most are fairly lengthy, as well, and offer a good variety of platforming, barrel-blasting, and bouncing off enemies to reach bonuses or hard-to-reach platforms. It’s the bosses that are unfortunately underwhelming—the designs are good, but they’re all too easy, and several of them are repeated. The only true redeeming quality of the bosses is that there aren’t very many of them.

The snow levels are among the most beautiful the game has to offer. [Image Credit: MobyGames]

One of the drawbacks to the visually stunning graphical style (especially for its time) is that the edges of platforms can be ambiguous, leading to some irritating deaths by falling. The more I played, the more adept I got at determining edges, fortunately. I also had difficulty recovering from taking hits during sequences in which the Kongs ride a minecart or other moving platform. The Kongs’ movement freezes when taking a hit, but the ride moves on without them, so it’s hard to determine whether the surviving Kong will automatically be placed back on the moving object, or if the player has to make an effort to get back on, which made for some clumsy deaths. But overall, control is fluid and fun, and just looking at the game is a joy, even all these years later. The music is great, too, particularly on the underwater levels, the factory levels, some of the mine levels, and Gangplank Galleon.

Bottomless pit, or bonus stage? YOU decide! [Image Credit: MobyGames]

As was previously mentioned, the majority of my time playing Donkey Kong Country was spent attempting to track down its Kong-load of secret bonus rooms. Bonus rooms are accessed by busting open certain walls with a barrel (or Rambi the Rhino), or jumping into certain barrel cannons, most of which are off-screen. Finding the rooms in the walls is not too difficult—usually there’s a nearby barrel or a bunch of disruptive enemies, indicating that there’s something suspicious about a particular wall. Many of the barrel cannons leading to secrets, on the other hand, are quite elusive. The easy ones are in plain sight, or there might be a trail of bananas leading off-screen to clue players in. However, other barrels require clever thinking or even leaps of faith into deadly pits. I won’t lie—GameFAQs did a lot of the heavy lifting for me in finding many of the secret rooms. I took a lot of pride in the rooms I did find, but there were others I never would have even thought to look for in the places they were hidden. Donkey Kong Country is a completionist’s dream—there are enough well kept secrets on Donkey Kong Island to keep even the best secret hunter busy for a long, long time.

Donkey Kong Country is the quintessential mid-90s platformer. Great music, top notch controls, amazing visuals, and that trademark Rare/Nintendo charm of the era all make it more than worth your while, especially if you enjoy digging for secrets. Track this one down.

Was I a Bad Enough Dude to find all of Donkey Kong Country's Secrets?
Yes (with help)
Are all of Donkey Kong Country's secrets Bad Enough to find again?
Yes

My Top 10 Games of “2021”

Sun, 21 Aug 2022 00:00:00 -0500

No time for a fancy introduction! We have a lot of games to cover, and I apparently have a lot to say about all of them, so let’s get rolling!

The criteria: except for the Honorable Mention, this list includes the best games I played in 2021, but also beat for the first time in 2021. However, I’m old, and staying on the cutting edge of pop culture is hard, so none of these games were actually released in 2021. Now settle in and let Grandpa prattle on about his vidja games.

[Image Credit: Thomas Happ Games]

Honorable Mention: Axiom Verge (PC, 2015)

When Axiom Verge released in 2015, it was one of my most anticipated games ever. I saw the first trailer in 2012 and was out-of-my-mind excited. It looked like Metroid, but the gameplay and variety of weapons looked like something from Contra, and the environments seemed more akin to something from Ninja Gaiden III or Kabuki Quantum Fighter. The trailer and early press materials showcased tons of weapons; enormous, grotesque bosses; big techno-organic heads that were maybe friend or foe (assuming they were alive at all), and references to a “glitch gun” that would be vital to the player’s progression. Did the glitch gun imply a meta element to the game? What was with the big heads? The action and exploration looked amazing. Between the gameplay footage and the burning questions, I knew this game was for me. No question. Put it in a pill that I can take with my morning coffee.

However, by the time Axiom Verge finally came out, I had allowed my hype to grow to unrealistic proportions. While the game was excellent, it couldn’t possibly match what I’d built it up to be, and I learned a pretty good lesson in tempering expectations. Not only that, the story is a bit dense—I don’t think I completely got it my first time through. (I can be a little dense, myself.) Axiom Verge is a game with a lot of ethical gray area and ambiguity in the actions of its characters, so it’s something of a mindbender. It’s fair to say I was in over my head. Oh, and I totally underestimated and underappreciated the usefulness of the glitch gun, missing a ton of secrets and items as a result. All in all, I really just didn’t get Axiom Verge, even though I liked it.

Finally, in 2021, Axiom Verge got its much-deserved replay, and I’m so happy I took the time to revisit it. This second playthrough gave me a chance to appreciate Axiom Verge for what it is, rather than what I thought it would be. I made prolific use of the glitch gun (actually called the Address Disruptor, in-game) and finally understood how useful it can be. Best of all, the story made more sense the second time around. I’m still not entirely sure what happens at the end, but if it is what I think it is, it’s actually a pretty serious downer. Nevertheless, it can’t detract from what is a great success for creator Tom Happ. Oh, and a sequel recently came out, as well. I guess it’s probably about time to check that out.

10. Castlevania 2: Belmont’s Revenge (Game Boy via Nintendo Switch, 1991)

Just look at that screenshot. Those statues in the background? Crossing this ghoulish bridge for the first time, I can say with confidence that I wasn’t expecting this level of art direction on a Game Boy game. Even the NES Castlevanias don’t come near this level of the macabre. I don’t know whether to be complimentary or disturbed. This Dracula fellow means business, what with his commitment to death, in both action and architecture.

I tried the first Game Boy Castlevania outing, Castlevania: The Adventure, which is available on the Castlevania Anniversary Collection. By the end of the third level, both my skills and patience could endure no more. I almost never say this about a Castlevania game, but it’s bad. Not the good kind of bad that we champion here on the Bad Enough Dudes blog, either! It’s just regular bad. Klutzy controls, uninspired and cruel level design (room after room of spikes….), unavoidable hits—Konami wasn’t ready to bring this franchise to Nintendo’s monochrome handheld. The music is its only saving grace.

On the other hand, with Belmont’s Revenge, they got it right. When Castlevania: The Adventure failed me, I switched to Belmont’s Revenge (also on the Anniversary Collection), hoping for a better experience.

It delivered. The developers recognized the flaws of the first game and fixed just about everything. Guiding Christopher Belmont through four themed castles (Cloud, Crystal, Plant, and Rock) and finally Dracula’s castle, of course, in order to rescue Chris’s son, Soleil, from the Count’s possession, I immediately noticed the movement is smoother, the platforming is less demanding and better suited to the controls, and the levels are actually interesting and follow the themes of their respective castles. For instance, in one cave of the Rock Castle, whipping the candles will dim the room, causing light-sensitive monsters to start moving around. What a fun touch! It had been done in other games of the time (like how defeating the Hotheads in Mega Man 2 causes Quick Man’s stage to go dark), but it’s pretty unique for Castlevania, as far as I can remember.

Anyway, I’ve gone on far too long about the lowly number 10 entry. Belmont’s Revenge is can’t miss if you like Castlevania or original Game Boy games. It’s short, but packed with action, fun, and a killer soundtrack.

[Image Credit: 505 Games]

9. Bloodstained: Ritual of the Night (Nintendo Switch, 2019)

Koji Igarashi’s foray into games resembling, but legally distinct from, Castlevania culminated in the release of Bloodstained: Ritual of the Night, a Kickstarted spiritual successor to the likes of Castlevania: Symphony of the Night, Aria of Sorrow, and all of our favorite action RPG-ish, exploration-based Castlevania games from the latter years of the series. But, since this isn’t a Castlevania game and it doesn’t feature the Belmont clan or our favorite Transylvanian count, Bloodstained follows Miriam, a shardbinder, on her quest to defeat an infestation of demons, as well as their summoner, Gebel. Of course, there’s more to it, but I’ll leave that to you.

Like any good exploration-based Castlevania, Bloodstained features a giant castle to explore, abilities upon abilities upon abilities to help Miriam out of jams and investigate previously inaccessible areas of the castle, and tons of items to collect, weapons to use, and monsters to fight. If you like this style of game, Bloodstained has everything you want.

My highlights from Iga’s latest work include some amazing and giant bosses, such as Vepar, a giant half-woman, half-sea creature that attacks the boat bringing Miriam to Gebel’s castle, or Valac, a pair of giant dragons that chase Miriam around and around a tower during her descent. I found some of the puzzle-solving (which I won’t reveal) required to locate and battle the final boss quite creative and memory-testing. The pacing of the exploration kept me invested and eager to track down the castle’s many areas. The voice-acting is great (David Hayter of Metal Gear Solid fame is here), the soundtrack is roughly what I’ve come to expect from Igavania games, and Bloodstained even affords the player the ability to customize Miriam’s appearance by changing her dress color, hair style, and accessories like hats and scarves. I’ll sheepishly admit I spent too much time trying to get Miriam’s look right. Look, if I’m going to spend hours playing this game with this character, and I have the ability to customize her look, I might as well make her look cool.

Luckily, the only criticism I can level at Bloodstained is that there is too much to do, which some might consider a good problem! In addition to the adventure, there is the aforementioned cosmetic customization, a cooking system, a crafting system, a bunch of sidequests hunting down bounties for the residents of a demon-ravaged village, and more. Miriam can also collect shards from all the enemies, which imbue her with different abilities. However, the drop rates on some of the shards are quite low, so a lot of time can be spent farming enemies for drops. I occasionally found myself overwhelmed and unable to focus on any one thing. Not only that, the late-game cooking and crafting recipes require extremely rare ingredients that, again, require hunting and killing the same enemies over and over again until they drop the necessary items, which has never been my thing. It killed the fun of the cooking and crafting, so I was happy to resume the story and finish the game. Maybe at another time, in another place, I’ll return and hunt down those items.

Sorry, one more thing—I’m not completely on board with 2.5D for this style of game. It works, and it looks fine, but the controls never feel as fluid or precise as a pure 2D Metroidvania. A minor gripe, and certainly not exclusive to Bloodstained. Overall, a great experience!

8. Fire ‘n’ Ice (NES via Nintendo Switch, 1993)

A Nintendo Switch Online addition at the beginning of 2021, Fire ‘n’ Ice is a puzzle platformer and, I believe, a prequel to Solomon’s Key, also available via Switch Online. I remember seeing coverage for this game in Nintendo Power a long time ago and being enraptured by the screenshots. It looked colorful and fun, but I never played it until now—I want to say that it’s a pretty rare find on the used market.

Fire ‘n’ Ice is simple, but not so simple. The evil wizard, Druidle, has set a bunch of fires to Coolmint Island, and the Queen of Fairies enlists Dana, an apprentice wizard, to take care of the problem. Dana can create ice blocks with his wand, and then shove those into fires, or drop them onto fires from above, to put them out. The catch is that Dana can only create these ice blocks one space in front of and below him. He also can’t jump, but can climb up one block at a time. It all operates on a grid, and putting these mechanics together makes for a pretty challenging foray into extinguishing Druidle’s fires. Patience and creativity, as you might expect, are key.

This puzzle adventure did prove to be colorful and fun, but also relaxing. There are only a few levels where time can become an issue. Overall, I was able to sit and think through the puzzles at my own pace. The game also affords Dana the ability to restart a level at any time, so getting stuck is not an issue. Much like The Adventures of Lolo captured my attention a few years back, Fire ‘n’ Ice excelled as a pick-up-and-play option, allowing me to solve just one puzzle here or there when time allowed. There are 100 in all, plus 50 more can be unlocked, if you are a glutton for punishment. There were a handful I had to consult my wife and/or the internet to solve, but I ultimately felt smarter and chiller (ha) having finished this one. Recommended for a low-stress, cathartic gaming experience when you need one.

[Image Credit: MobyGames]

7. Blaster Master Zero 2 (Nintendo Switch, 2019)

Get ready to get confused about the naming conventions of the Blaster Master series! Just remember:

Blaster Master is the original. It came out in 1988.
Blaster Master Zero is the 2017 remake of the 1988 Blaster Master.
Blaster Master Zero 2 is the 2019 sequel to 2017’s Blaster Master Zero.

Got it? Okay, let’s advance with caution.

The first Blaster Master Zero made my top 10 in 2018. I found it to be a fantastic remake of the tank-driving, labyrinth-crawling NES classic. Despite a slightly less interesting setting and not-as-rocking of a soundtrack, overall, it is mechanically superior and not unreasonably demanding of the player. At the time, I believed it was the better version of the game. Today? Well…I might have to replay it to know for sure.

Regardless, I had enough fun with Blaster Master Zero that I jumped out of my seat when developer Inti Creates announced Blaster Master Zero 2. There have been numerous underwhelming sequels and reimaginings of Blaster Master in the past, including a Game Boy Robowarrior game reskinned as a Blaster Master game, a forgettable sequel on Sega Genesis, a Wiiware remake of the original, and others. None of them really lived up to the original. Now, here comes Inti Creates with both a quality remake, followed by a sequel?! It has been nice to see this deserving, but underserved franchise successfully revived 30-ish years after the release of the first game.

At first, Zero 2 felt a little too similar to the first game, but what was I expecting? Didn’t I play Mega Man 3 because I wanted more of what I got in Mega Man 2? Am I not doing the same thing here? Luckily, I got over that feeling pretty quick, when it became obvious to me that the game was awesome. Rather than spanning the mutant underworld of Earth, Zero 2 takes Jason and his pals, Eve and Fred, on a galaxy-spanning, semi-open-world (open-galaxy?) adventure to rid Eve of the mutant cells that infected her android body in the first game. It follows the same Metroidvania formula of our heroes finding items on certain planets, which opens more of the galaxy for exploration. They also encounter other tank pilots and their android helpers along the way, and lending a hand (and a tank) to these folks proves vital to Eve’s fate. I should also mention that, with a hard pivot into anime influence, a rivalry develops with an angry and jaded tank pilot named Leibniz, whose complicated backstory has him convinced Eve must die, and Leibniz is ready to eliminate Jason to make sure that happens. Get a grip, Leibniz!

With new mechanics like counterattacks and recharging subweapon energy by taking long falls or hits from enemies, combined with a sweeping space adventure and some surprises at the end, one could argue that Blaster Master Zero 2 tops its predecessor. They’re both great, for sure, but again, I need to replay the first one to be certain.

[Image Credit: Apogee Entertainment]

6. Crystal Caves HD (PC, 2020)

Wow, Crystal Caves HD. Talk about a surprise hit. So, the original Crystal Caves (because, again, we’re discussing a remake) is a 1991 shareware game developed and published by Apogee. We had the first episode for our IBM compatible PC, and I have vague, but reasonably fun memories of Mylo Steamwitz puzzle-platforming his way through the mines of planet Altair, collecting crystals to buy a Twibble Farm. (This game isn’t afraid to make royalty-free Star Trek references, and neither should you.) Unfortunately, our 3.5-inch floppy of the first episode of Crystal Caves was lost to time, or possibly formatted and used as a boot disk for Print Shop or Wordperfect or some other program. It was a wild time in which unintentionally losing software forever wasn’t that uncommon.

Now, watch out. Here comes 2020. Apogee is back? With an HD remaster of Crystal Caves?! You mean I can get this game again and don’t have to feel like an idiot for losing it 30 years ago? And the remaster is really good?!

I played Crystal Caves HD as part of my Extra Life 2021 gaming marathon. I figured I’d tool around in the first episode for a little bit to add some variety to the marathon, then move on to the next game. I liked it so much that I played all three of the original episodes during the course of the marathon, and then came back to play the new fourth episode, exclusive to the HD version, a couple of months later. I had an absolute blast, just an unreasonable amount of fun. I simply wasn’t expecting it to capture my attention the way it did. The challenge, music, and the satisfaction of collecting crystals proved an irresistible combination. While it is a puzzle platformer in that there are, well, puzzles, and the occasional need to traverse the level in a certain way to not get stuck, there are also enemies to dodge or shoot, and plenty of bonuses to collect. It’s an extremely fun mix of simple action, risk-versus-reward platforming, and puzzles. The HD graphics and a new chiptune soundtrack give Crystal Caves a worthwhile sensory overhaul, the achievements add incentive and intrigue, and there’s even a hard mode for that all-important replayability. Apogee is giving the same treatment to some of its other classic PC games like Monster Bash and Secret Agent, and I appear to be here for them!

5. West of Loathing (Nintendo Switch, 2018)

I spent way too much time at my part-time college desk job playing a browser game called The Kingdom of Loathing. An addictive, mostly text-based roleplaying game, KoL featured some of the best and funniest writing I’d ever seen in a game. The player can take seal clubbers, pastamancers, and other comical character classes on adventures and get them as drunk as possible for the sake of combat buffs and other mischief.

Imagine my surprise and joy when I discovered West of Loathing, an old west-themed roleplaying game from the creators of the Kingdom of Loathing! It’s a more graphically oriented experience than KoL, with lots of interactive elements and secrets in every area. There are multiple character classes again, enough locations that I couldn’t find them all, and sidequests upon sidequests that kept me busy. The combat is a little clunky and not that enjoyable, but a good portion of it can be avoided, and I wasn’t playing for the combat, anyway. Instead, I was fully invested in the writing, and like its predecessor, West of Loathing’s writing is stellar—memorable characters (like the ghost of the old woman who can’t remember which of her granddaughters she liked best, and it was up to me to solve a logic puzzle to figure it out for her), bizarre locations like the Daveyard (a graveyard where a bunch of Daves are buried), and laugh-out-loud running gags (like the game insulting the player for searching for items in spittoons) further prove humor can be done and done well in video games.

4. Streets of Rage 4 (Nintendo Switch, 2020)

After a lengthy hiatus and a number of unofficial sequels from dedicated fans over the years, at last, Sega blessed beat ’em up lovers old and new with another official Streets of Rage game! Created by the same developers as the 2017 remake of Wonder Boy III: The Dragon’s Trap (number 5 on my Top 10 Games of “2018” list), Streets of Rage 4 occurs some years after the original trilogy. Our OG trio of heroes (Adam, Axel, and Blaze) are back, and this time, they’re up against longtime rival Mr. X’s criminally astute children, along with their new crime syndicate. Luckily, our veteran vigilantes pick up some new teammates, including Adam’s daughter, Cherry, and a big guy named Floyd, who has robotic arms. (There might be some DLC and unlockable characters, too.)

So how is it? Well, it’s a Streets of Rage game, all right. Beautiful hand-drawn art and a catchy new soundtrack bring the series to the 21st century. There are a few other modern enhancements, as well, such as the ability to save, a combo system, and a grading system for combat prowess. It also addresses something I can’t stand about some beat ’em ups: using special moves costing the player health. I understand the logic behind it—it’s risk-reward, prevents the player from spamming the move, etc., but that doesn’t mean I have to like it. Generally, if that’s the system in play, I just won’t use the special moves. I want to preserve my health, but I’m so conservative that I’m probably doing myself more harm than good by not using the special moves when I’m utterly overwhelmed by bad guys. The specials in Streets of Rage 4 do cost health, but there’s an added mechanic—the player has a short window of time to regain the health lost in the use of the special move. All they have to do is dole out more punishment to the surrounding enemies without taking a hit, and the health bar will refill. Failure to do so will cost the player health, as normal. I like this! It’s an innovation I support and appreciate. It convinced me to use my special moves, believe it or not!

Beyond that, Streets of Rage 4 provides what you might expect: a glorious opportunity to punch, kick, and suplex a roiling mass of criminals into subhuman slurry, and I loved every minute of it. Yes, it’s more of the same gritty street combat found in its predecessors, but hey, there is a reason people have been clamoring for more Streets of Rage since the 1990s. This is finally your chance for more.

However. All of that being said, did you know that Streets of Rage 4 wasn’t even the best beat ’em up I beat in 2021?! To be fair, it was up against some pretty steep competition….

[Image Credit: MobyGames]

3. Streets of Rage 2 (Sega Genesis via Nintendo Switch, 1992)

Yeah, Streets of Rage 4 is great, but despite its beautiful graphics, modern amenities, and luscious violence, it can’t top the best game in the series, Streets of Rage 2. I really only got into the Streets of Rage games in the last five years or so. It’s just one of an endless number of acclaimed franchises that managed to escape me over the years. Still, in my relatively short time playing the series, I endured a lot of failed (but fun) playthroughs of Streets of Rage 2 before finally seeing the end in 2021.

But, if you want to get technical, I didn’t make it all the way to the end of Streets of Rage 2 this time, either, even though I’m still counting it as a win. My friend Tim and I played it together at our friend Jon’s house, while Jon went out to pick up pizza or something. I made it to the last level, possibly even to the final boss, Mr. X. (I can’t remember, for sure.) But, I ran out of lives before the end, and it was up to Tim to finish the job. Luckily, his years of Streets of Rage experience ensured Mr. X was stomped into an unrecognizable pile of blood and slime. Good work, Tim!

Anyway, Streets of Rage 2 is an improvement on the first game in just about every way. It gets a nice graphical upgrade, a bigger variety of enemies and weapons, more playable characters (but it loses Adam Hunter, who gets kidnapped and is therefore unplayable in this outing), and possibly an overall better musical score. Although, there are some individual tracks from the first game that are probably my favorites. (Seems like a fine time for you to just listen to both soundtracks and judge for yourself.) All in all, it’s one of the purest, most responsive and delightful beat ’em ups ever made, and if you like this genre, you owe it to yourself to give it a shot sometime. If I can’t convince you, just play the baseball stadium level, in which the pitcher’s mound is actually an elevator into a villainous underground lair. I can’t make this up. It’s one of the best setpieces in video game history. Play it.

[Image Credit: MobyGames]

2. Golf Story (Nintendo Switch, 2017)

The year is 1996. ’97? Somewhere in there. I’m in middle school, at a friend’s house for a sleepover, and I’m not having a great time. The other guys at the sleepover will not stop playing Golf on NES. Dudes. Golf—the video game and the sport—is stupid. I’m here to play the Star Wars Customizable Card Game and watch Spaceballs. Get off the TV, you nerds!

Then I bought Golf at a Funcoland several years later and figured out why they wouldn’t stop playing. I need a time machine to go back to that night and join the fun. Golf and its successor, NES Open Tournament Golf, are among my favorite sports games of all time. Other golf games have come along since then and expanded on the formula, some of them (Mario Golf games, in particular) even adding some RPG elements, but I haven’t tried any of them.

I had a passing interest in Golf Story on Nintendo Switch, but like a disingenuous savage, I kept putting it off. It wasn’t until my friend Jon (the same Jon whose house Tim and I were at when we beat Streets of Rage 2) brought it over one day, and we played a match, and I got hooked pretty quickly. We didn’t even touch on any of the story or RPG elements—the golf mechanics alone were a great first impression.

So I bought Golf Story, first and foremost, as a golf game, and got so much more than I could have imagined. It expands on the golf mechanics I love from the NES golf games, adding the ability to fine-tune shots and gauge distances really well. The golfing, itself, offers a variety of play, including matches against rival golfers, training sessions, and challenges testing accuracy and precision, driving ability, and more. There’s a fun story spanning golf courses of many themes, including a haunted course, a snow course, an island course, and more. Equipment upgrades can be bought or earned, which, combined with skill points gained from leveling up, provide opportunities to customize your golfer and style of play. Lastly, I have to mention the writing. I really lucked out to play West of Loathing and Golf Story in the same year. There’s a really dry sense of humor at play throughout the game, which had me laughing out loud on more than a few occasions. Not only that, the player will meet a bevy of genuine and evocative characters along the way. There are poignant moments with Coach, utterly frustrating moments with elderly golfers who play it safe and expect the same from you, and a bemusing rivalry with pro golfer, Max Yards. Also, it’s a roleplaying game, so there are secrets. There’s even a murder mystery! What can’t this game do?!

I loved Golf Story. Really loved it. It would have been my game of the year, if not for my complicated history with number one. A sequel, called Sports Story, is also on the way, which I’ve eagerly awaited since completing this masterpiece. If it’s even half as good, it will be time well spent.

[Image Credit: MobyGames]

1. Blaster Master (NES via Nintendo Switch, 1988)

Remember how I mentioned above how I wasn’t sure of the better game between Blaster Master and Blaster Master Zero? Let’s talk about the original. You have no idea how excited I am to finally include Blaster Master on this list! I think this is one of the finest NES games ever made, but certainly one of the most difficult, as well. Longtime readers may recall past poetic waxing about protagonist Jason’s adventures through a mutant-infested underworld, both on foot and behind the wheel of Sofia the 3rd—a powerful, jumping super tank of alien origin. It made my Honorable Mention in 2019, after I spent a fair amount of time trying to beat it upon its debut on Nintendo Switch Online, to no avail. It was great fun, but as has been the case for the last 32 years (ugh, we old), I did not defeat Blaster Master without the abuse of save states. The brutal bosses (Hard Shell, Frozen Crabullus, and Enhanced Fred, I’m looking squarely at you) and diminished controls in the late-game due to the touchy wall-climbing upgrades proved, as always, too much of a challenge for me.

I took a lengthy break from Blaster Master, all the way until the year 2021, when my interest was rekindled by what else? Blaster Master Zero 2! Fresh off my victory in that crazy sequel, I decided it was time to give the NES original another shot. And…I beat it! But, again, not without the help of save states. However, I felt pretty good this time. Better than I’d ever felt before. I was getting better.

So, I started it up again, in the corner chair of our Marion, Kansas, living room (when we still lived there). I didn’t play at my best. I struggled through Area 2, including getting lost in Crabullus’s lair, an area I memorized at one point in my life. I lost multiple lives against Photophage, the replicating cube boss from Area 3. I remember a lengthy grind for gun power-ups in water-themed Area 5, trying to give myself the slightest advantage against Hard Shell, a giant lobster. Without shame, I exploited the game’s infamous pause glitch—the one where you throw a grenade and pause the game, but the game keeps registering hits on the boss—to defeat Frozen Crabullus and Enhanced Fred in Areas 6 and 7.

Through fun and frustration both, I at last found myself at Area 8, the last level. I’ve never fared well here. There are spikes everywhere, and many opportunities to accidentally drive the tank directly into them. With deliberate movement and clever use of the wall and ceiling-driving upgrades, it’s possible to navigate around some of the spikes. Careful jumping (and management of the energy and hover bars) will do a lot to avoid the rest. It’s not easy. This area is designed to slowly whittle away Jason’s remaining resources, leaving him to face a final gauntlet of spike-laden corridors, full of bouncing worms, bomb-dropping flying brains, and other mutant terrors, all with minimal reserves. Fun!(?)

I took my time. I approached spikes and enemies strategically. I remembered to use my subweapons, like homing missiles and bolts of lightning that strike from under the tank to hit enemies below! It felt like it took forever, but with patience, I made it to the lair of the Plutonium Boss, a huge, powerfully-jawed monster bursting through a wall. Despite its intimidating appearance, all it did was spit rocks at me. They bounced all over the place, though, so it was still quite a challenge to score hits on the boss while constantly dodging. But, that wasn’t all. Behind the fallen corpse of the Plutonium Boss, the Underworld Lord awaited. Another intimidating foe, but with some clever positioning, I was able to avoid the Underworld Lord’s whip attacks and toss grenades unabated, resulting in a quick, but stressful victory.

That was it. The end cinematic and credits rolled. I did it. I finally did it! I beat Blaster Master without having to load a saved game!

But, in full disclosure, I did save the game. A lot. I saved before boss fights, after boss fights, at the beginning of each new area, and so on. I probably used all four save slots on the Switch. But, in the end, I didn’t load any of them. Finally, I was able to beat the game under the limitations of the original console and cartridge, a victory that eluded me since age six. (Again, I am very, very old.) It felt good. It has been a long time coming.

Now, if only I could beat it without using that pause glitch….

The Arcade Archivist, Part 1 - Intro and Frogger

Mon, 18 Jul 2022 00:00:00 -0500

I don’t know that time management has, or ever will be one of my strengths. It seems that the older I get, that finding time to play video games can be as challenging as evading those pesky ghosts in Pac-Man. When I do manage to carve out a little time, I tend to find myself drawn to simplicity. The “pick-up-and-play” style of game, if you will. This will surely come across as the rantings of a crazy old man, but as the evolution of video games stretched beyond the 16-bit era, I have always found myself annoyed with the amount of buttons and button combinations needed to play some of these games. Even the Super Nintendo controller had eight buttons, right? Fighting games with their button combos and discombobulating d-pad shenanigans. Which button pulls up the map again? Oh, and apparently that was the wrong button to begin the counter-attack sequence, or I just mistimed it. I’m not trying to pilot an actual submarine or something, I just want to have some fun!

And please, don’t get me started on some of these cinematic games, where it takes thirty minutes to actually begin the gameplay, and then it’s all tutorials for an entire first level or two. Sure, it was cool when I first heard that Mark Hamill was going to star in Wing Commander III, back in 1994, but if I want to see a movie, I’ll just, you know, watch a movie. I would kind of prefer to play a game.

Wow, that really did become an old man rant. But simplicity, readers, that’s what I long for in adult life, when I just don’t have much time to spare. You might think that I have abandoned all hope, as far as modern consoles and gaming. But no! I was very excited about the Nintendo Switch, and was a fairly early adopter, within the first six months of its release. And sure, there are some amazing games, like The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild, that can be played for hundreds of hours. Or something like Animal Crossing: New Horizons, which actually does have a very nice pick-up-and-play quality. But with the Switch, probably due to the influence of computer-based services like Steam and GOG.com, I find myself drawn to the Nintendo eShop, and again, the simplicity of digital downloads for not only indie games, but for the surprisingly large library of classic arcade games from the 80s and 90s. Sure, there are nice collections like Capcom Arcade Stadium, the SNK 40th Anniversary Collection, the Capcom Beat ’Em Up Bundle, and the seemingly ever-present Namco Museum.

Just a mess of arcade-typical hazards.

But, my favorites tend to be the individual games released as part of the Arcade Archives series, published by Hamster, or the offshoot ACA Neo Geo series. Who would have thought that the Nintendo Switch would be such an arcade powerhouse? There are currently over three hundred arcade games available on the Switch, just between the two Hamster produced series. Well-known titles like Donkey Kong and Double Dragon are available, along with more obscure games like Kangaroo and Frisky Tom. Most of these arcade titles from the 80s tend to present relatively simplistic-looking gameplay, to lure the gamer in. But then the challenge becomes an uphill battle, as the difficulty is amped-up, and what once looked so simple, is not as easy to master as it initially appeared.

Hooking up with a lady frog in the midst of incredible action and danger!

Frogger

Without question, one of my all-time favorite arcade games is Frogger, developed by Konami, way back in 1981, and released as part of the Arcade Archives series on Switch, on December 12, 2019. It has a simple single-screen premise, answering the question of why the chicken is crossing the road. Except the chicken is a frog. And the answer is that your frogs want to get home, to the safety of the swampy grassland at the top of the screen. These days with Frogger, I think of George Costanza and the Seinfeld episode where he buys the arcade machine from a closing pizza restaurant, desperate to save his high score, scheming to somehow maintain power to the machine while it’s being moved. And even that episode is now twenty-four years old!

I always wonder why and how these frogs have gotten themselves into this predicament. Why are they so far away from home, in such a dangerous environment? And I think the same thing when I’m driving down the road at night, and catch a glimpse of a frog hopping across the road in the headlights. I want to warn that frog about its digital friends that I’ve led to their unfortunate demise, over the years. Because as you lead your frogs up that vertical gauntlet, it’s really that initial battle with traffic that is generally the most daunting element. Speeding cars, piloted by uncaring, reckless drivers, who wouldn’t even care if they saw a frog in their headlights! From the flow of traffic to a flowing river, hopping across on lily pads and logs seems much more relaxing. Yeah, maybe if not for the snakes that sometimes appear, or the alligators, or otters. Gators are sometimes even lying in wait in your swampy home, ready to chow down on some fresh frog legs, and every other part of froggy anatomy. If you manage to get five frogs safely back to their homes, you advance a level and do it all over again, and again, and again.

Getting the last frog home JUST as time expires!

But, you now have to adjust to new traffic patterns, more vehicles, less logs, more snakes, more gators, and of course, the element of time! Ah, yes. It would all be much easier without a time limit, am I right? But the time is ticking away, right down there on the lower right of the screen. Constantly taunting you! And it’s not just the timer. The game loves to change speeds at inopportune moments. Like maybe you’re making your way through traffic, trying to squeeze between a few cars, when the game suddenly causes the traffic to speed up! Even worse, as you advance to some of the later stages where there are a limited amount of logs on the screen, the game then acts like it’s giving you a break by slowing down the tempo. Oh sure, that helps you navigate a path through the automobiles, but with the limited amount of logs on the river, it sometimes makes it nearly impossible to cross before the timer has expired!

However, for all my complaints about the difficulty, this version of Frogger came to me in a time of need. Working retail at the beginning of the pandemic was no picnic. It made me wonder why I was leaving my home, venturing out into a new world that did not seem safe. And it wasn’t just COVID-19 that I was worried about. With staffing cut to a skeleton crew, there was a lot of uncertainty about my future with the company that I had been employed with for nearly seven years. And it was always so much fun, dreading what horrible experience I may have with a customer who did not want to adhere to store safety policies. Instead choosing to threaten me or my coworkers with violence if we did not allow them to do as they pleased. Compassion and respect for others now seemingly being at an all-time low, I allowed time after work to find ways to decompress. And those sweet little green froggies were right there, and they needed my help!

Not sure if my high score is good, or if not many people play Frogger on Nintendo Switch....

I somewhat obsessively played it at least a few times each night, I think. And as is the case with so many classic arcade games, the goal is the high score, which is why that particular Frogger cabinet was so important to George Costanza! Sometimes I would hit a wall, not able to surpass my own high score, and become frustrated. But I would keep pushing, until I finally broke through. I was fairly certain that I would never be willing to commit myself to trying to take the top spot on the “Hi Score Mode” scoreboard, but if I could crack the top ten, I would feel pretty proud of that. As of this writing, my score is still in the number eight slot, and I set that score a couple of years ago now. I don’t even think that it’s a great score. I honestly just don’t think that many people play Frogger on the Switch! Maybe after reading this, someone can knock my score out of the top ten in a few tries. And that’s fine. Maybe that pursuit will help save you from having a nervous breakdown, too.

In our next installment: plumbers and pirates!

Play By Play Grab Bag

Tue, 12 Jul 2022 00:00:00 -0500

I’ve been busy lately. My wife took a trip to Europe, we housesat for a friend for a week, my family and I moved to a new apartment four hours away, and I’ve been on the road for work and social functions. I also, on occasion, sleep. With all of that going on, investing significant time in video games has been nearly impossible.

Luckily(?), I’m a seasoned nerd, and I always manage to steal a little bit of time for some games, no matter how busy I am! While I’ve been unable to dig into a robust, engrossing experience, I’ve done a fair share of short-session, pick-up-and-play gaming over the last couple of months, either as a precursor to bedtime or to kill time between trips to the store for new apartment-related purchases. Here are the thoughts I collected on the games played over that time.

Streets of Rage 4

When we have time, and our schedules line up, Craig and I spend an evening each week playing co-op games online, either on our PCs or Nintendo Switches. (Nintendos Switch?) We recently completed our second playthrough of Streets of Rage 4, with Craig taking up the role of Floyd Iraia, and yours truly portraying Adam Hunter. Normally, I risk it all on the streets of rage as Blaze Fielding, but I have to switch things up periodically.

I have nothing bad to say about this game. I can beat Galsia to death again and again and never get tired of it, especially when performed with a lead pipe. (I hope that doesn’t paint me in a bad light—beam ’em up games have this genuinely cathartic effect on me in an otherwise stressful world.) The developers took everything amazing about the Streets of Rage series and added some welcomed quality-of-life improvements and fantastic hand-drawn art. The result? A brilliant and fun modernization of the franchise, complete with unlockable characters, callbacks to past games, and all of the satisfying beam ’em up action I can stand. It looks good, sounds better, controls well, and has everything I need in a brawler to hold me over until I get around to buying and playing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Shredder’s Revenge.

You might hear a little more about Streets of Rage 4 when I get around to my Top 10 Games of 2021 list, coming to a blog near you before the end of calendar year 2022! (I hope.)

Dig Dug 2

Craig and I played just a little bit of Dig Dug 2 after finishing Streets of Rage 4, but before we were ready to call it a night. It’s a recent addition to the NES games available on Nintendo Switch Online, and an interesting concept. This sequel sees the action occur on the surface of a series of islands, rather than in underground tunnels. Dig Dug can defeat longtime enemies, Pooka and Fygar, by inflating and exploding them, in the tradition of the original game. Or, he can use his drill to destabilize parts of the island, causing them to sink into the ocean. Any enemies caught on the sinking ground go with it, netting Dig Dug big bonus points. Just be careful not to let Dig Dug get caught on the wrong part of the island, or he’ll sink with it, too! Not as good, fluid, or intuitive as the original, but good for some quick fun in a pinch. I felt the developers really pushed the new gimmick on players, as point values for inflating and exploding enemies are infinitesimal compared to dropping them into the ocean. It’s worth getting good at, but it’s tricky. Risks and rewards, for sure.

Vampire Survivors

After a hiatus of a month or two, I dipped back into Vampire Survivors, rekindling my slaughter of evil. Since I last played, new characters, levels, and secrets have been added, ensuring that I will continue to allow this game to consume too much of my time.

Currently, I’m just working to unlock the rest of the characters and weapons. However, I also saw some weird things happening. For example, sometimes when playing, a green-clad Grim Reaper appears. I can’t hurt it, but it follows me around for a while and does big damage if it comes into contact with me. What does it mean? Is it just an environmental hazard, or is there more to it?

Something unusual also happened as I played a level called Moongolow (not to be confused with Moonglow from the Ultima games). I survived 15 minutes, and Death came to kill me, but instead of that happening, the screen went blank, and after a few seconds, I reappeared, alive and well, in a new level! I didn’t survive long there, so I can’t say much about it. It kind of looked like a church suspended in the air, and I was being attacked by things that looked like angels. I guess I’ll have to try to make my way back there again to try to solve this mystery. I have a feeling there’s more going on with this game than meets the eye.

The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past

My wife and I briefly showed A Link to the Past to our daughter, but it only mildly piqued her interest—she’s probably a little too young to really appreciate it.

However, having not played it for quite a while, it piqued my interest, so I had to dive in. A Link to the Past is definitely in my top three Zelda games. (Where, exactly, I’m never quite certain.) Despite that, it’s apparently been so long since I last played it that I forgot some secrets and the locations of some items! That’s typically my sign that it’s a good time to revisit an old favorite—I can have fun, but it’s also not a complete cakewalk.

My goal in this playthrough of A Link to the Past was to find 100 percent of the items, which I don’t think I’ve ever accomplished. Specifically, I never found all the heart pieces—there was at least one that always eluded me. But, this time, I got them all! In fact, I am certain that I collected one that I’ve never collected before—it was in a cave on Death Mountain of which I have absolutely no memory. I was tempted to put together a full Second Quest blog post about this little self-assigned task, but it wasn’t quite different enough from past plays to warrant it. I’ll need a much spicier challenge.

Super Mario Maker 2

When I was a kid, I used to love designing Mario levels. I’d draw them on notebook paper, cardboard, even on a Magna-Doodle. When the first Super Mario Maker came out, I figured I’d dump hundreds of hours into making my own levels for real. Truthfully, I never got that into it. It was fun, but my levels just weren’t that good? I think I allowed an unrealistic expectation that I would immediately be able to make Miyamoto-quality levels—with no patience, practice, or trial-and-error—get the better of me. Rather than just have dumb creative fun building some nonsense and actually making some of those awesome levels I drew on paper in elementary school, I just gave up.

However, I didn’t let my misfire with the first Super Mario Maker deter me from also purchasing Super Mario Maker 2. Brian, you goof. What were you thinking?! Well, between all the added features and functionality, not to mention the ability to also build world maps, I couldn’t resist. And, again, I more or less gave up on it before I even got started.

So, you remember how we showed our daughter A Link to the Past, and it wasn’t really her thing, at least not yet? As it turns out, Super Mario Maker 2 has proven to be something of a blessing. She’s interested in playing video games, especially Mario games, but is not yet good enough at controlling them to really be effective, or even have a good time. She can run, she can jump, but she can’t run and jump. She can’t change directions well, and so on. Throw an enemy or a pit into the mix, and it just complicates things further.

However, Mario Maker allows us to put some practice levels together, designed to get her accustomed to the controls, without having to contend with Bowser’s meandering peons or ubiquitous holes. Not only do we get to enjoy spending time building the levels together, she can then explore what we built and learn the controls without any pressure or unwanted surprises. And hey, maybe even I’m learning to enjoy Mario Maker the way I thought I would, despite not being the world’s greatest level designer.

It’s weird, watching her learn to play. In my mind, I have always been good at video games. But, I’m certain that’s not true. I surely went through all of the same struggles as her, trying to build muscle memory and hand-eye coordination, only to get killed by a ghost or snake or goomba and be thrown totally off my game. And I’m sure there is a hefty segment of the “pro gamer” audience out there who will tell you that such obstacles are necessary to properly learn to play. I probably would have said the same thing ten years ago. But, I dunno. It’s a game. It’s probably okay to just have fun.

Metroid - Samus Returns (Part 3) - Baby, Come Back

Tue, 28 Jun 2022 00:00:00 -0500

Year: 2017
Platform: Nintendo 3DS
Notes: Justin Bailey is not an unlockable character in this game.

The end game is nigh. With the acquisitions of the Gravity Suit, Plasma Beam, Space Jump, and Screw Attack, Samus can now circumvent nearly every obstacle and stomp practically every predatory cave creature into a pile of unrecognizable slime. I feel good. Strong. I’m excited about my progress, like nothing can stand in my way.

In fact, just one of Samus’s key items remains undiscovered and, by all accounts, it appears to be Power Bombs. I’ve seen some yellow hatches (typically opened by Power Bombs in the series), and there are some blocks I can’t break with an icon on them that I don’t recognize. Oh, those blue crystals, too. Surely Power Bombs are the solution to all of these hindrances. And surely, with all of my powerful newfound equipment, I will have no issues recovering said Power Bombs and—

I'm baaaaaaaaack! [Image Credit: Wikitroid]

Hey, everybody! Diggernaut’s back! No longer content to chase Samus through a winding tunnel with one of its giant borer arms, Diggernaut is ready for a final, one-on-one confrontation. Already annoyed by this robot on account of the aforementioned chase scene (covered in detail in our previous entry), I was more than happy to finish off this hulk and get on with my business of eradicating an entire species from our fair universe.

What I wasn’t expecting, however, was the hardest boss fight to ever grace the Metroid franchise. No, I’m serious—at least among the Metroid games I have played, this is it. Diggernaut is the hardest boss I have faced, consisting of a 2-phase battle involving disabling both of its borer arms and then destroying the core, all of which must be done with precision Spider Ball movement and well-timed bombs laid in the right spots. In addition to that, there’s a lot of dodging of attacks from the drill arms, lasers, and this vacuum thing that sucks Samus into the core and crunches her into harvestable minerals (and depletes her health bar by an absurd amount).

But! This vacuum attack is important, as the vacuum will also suck up bombs dropped by Samus, damaging the core and triggering Diggernaut into rushing towards Samus with an energy attack from the core itself, which is her chance to finish it off with a few more well-placed bombs on weak points that I, unfortunately, was unable to identify without consulting the internet. Well, that’s not true—I could see them, but I couldn’t figure out how to attack them. I made it this far without help, but I’d died about a dozen times, patience was thin, and I got desperate. In hindsight, I wish I would have spent the extra five minutes it probably would have taken to figure it out. My thought process keeps defaulting to, Man, I NEVER die this much in Metroid games. What’s up?! But, to be fair, I’ve played all of them so many times that it’s difficult to remember my first time through any of them. I bet I had similar trouble with all of them—we just didn’t get a new 2D Metroid game for so long that I’ve grown accustomed to breezing through them.

The Diggernaut fight proved to be bourbon-inducing.

So I got the power bombs, which was great. They open the yellow doors. They break those blocks with the icon I didn’t recognize. The blue crystals? Still unbreakable. I’m at a loss. I have everything—there are no empty slots in Samus’s inventory. What am I missing?! Is there a Speed Booster still out there somewhere?

Also, I’m now dealing with omega metroids, which are the biggest, most evolved metroids yet. Strangely, I haven’t had many issues with them, other than taking a really long time to kill, even after catching them with a couple of parries. I’m sure there’s some quick kill trick I’m not getting. Speedrunners, help me out here. Regardless, with my boss-crushing abilities at an all-time high coming off my defeat of Diggernaut, these omega metroids aren’t much to discuss, other than a mention of their horrific size and appearance.

Bigger, faster, and uglier, too, he's the next member of the Metroid crew. [Image Credit: Wikitroid]

Eventually, I ran my metroid counter down to one, presumably the queen metroid lurking in the heart of the compound. I reached a large, mazelike vertical chamber and suddenly picked up strong final area vibes. Not much farther to go. However, it wouldn’t be a straightaway, uneventful trip to the queen’s lair, as my counter kicked itself back up to 11 metroid lifesigns, all of a sudden. The queen must have felt my nearing presence and squeezed out a batch of emergency ’troids to cut me off. It turns out it was a good idea—even these ordinary metroids had my number. While I find even vanilla metroids terrifying, I have enough experience fighting them that, at this point in my life, they’re not a big deal.

This batch, on the other hand? Wow. So we all know metroids are vulnerable to the ice beam, yes? Well, the problem with these metroids is that they recover from an ice beam shot almost instantly, so I had to constantly swap between missiles and ice beam while mashing the fire button to dispatch them. I don’t know if this was the proper technique or not—as usual, there was probably a parrying queue I missed, or something more practical. A lot of metroids sucked a lot of life energy out of poor Samus while I figured out this technique. Sorry, friend.

These hungry youngsters got their fair share of Samus-flavored life force. [Image Credit: Wikitroid]

At last, upon dispatching this final clutch of larvae, I came face to face with the metroid queen. In the original Metroid II, I’m pretty sure I just shot missiles at the queen until it died, not realizing that you could roll into the queen’s mouth and drop bombs in her gut to finish her off quicker. I read about that trick on the internet much later on. I suspected this little trick might come into play in a more mandatory way here, in the remake. And it does. I dodged a lot of attacks and pumped the queen full of missiles until I angered her enough to snap at me, giving me the opportunity to parry, smash her head into the ground with the grapple beam to stun her, and then roll on in and drop a power bomb in the breadbasket. Repeat a couple of times, and she was finished! We won! The fight was a bit tougher than I’m making it out to be here, but I only died a handful of times. The metroid queen was a mild annoyance versus the nigh-invulnerable might of the Diggernaut.

You are one ugly—no, wait, I'm mixing up my movie references. [Image Credit: The Metroid Database]

Upon defeating the queen, I found the baby metroid, made famous by its appearance in Super Metroid. It started following me and—oh! It started breaking the blue crystals. So THIS is what does it—this little metroid! But there are SO many of these crystals in the game. There’s also an elevator back to the surface here, putting me relatively close to the ship and (presumably) the end of the game.

Hey, a screenshot I could provide on my own! Disregard the fact that it's from the wrong game.

As I’m heading back to the ship, I’m thinking to myself, it seems strange to lock so many of the game’s goodies behind an item acquired at the very end of the game, doesn’t it? Why—

Oh. [Image Credit: Wikitroid]

Aw, crap, Ridley is here to cut me off just as I reach the ship. This didn’t happen in the original Metroid II! And, yes, this explains the possible need for all the backtracking to pick up items behind the blue crystals. They thought of everything, didn’t they, because this fight is hard. It’s a three-phase battle, and Ridley is vicious and quick, not leaving Samus a lot of time to react to his moves. There were some parry opportunities, but as usual, I didn’t notice them until after I died many times, and even then, I never actually landed a parry when the opportunities presented themselves. Luckily, baby metroid was there for an assist during this brutal battle. It’s an all-out brawl—not much strategy other than to kill Ridley before Ridley killed me. I dodged his attacks and pumped him full of plasma beam. There were no major weak points or tricks that I could find. I just killed him until he died.

We won! For real, this time! With the eradication of the metroids on the planet, as we left, we got a quick glimpse of an X parasite assimilating one of the planet’s basic frog monsters, setting up the events of Metroid Fusion.

So that’s Samus Retunrs! What a great time, and a great return to 2(.5)D Metroid! I got what appears to be the worst ending, taking 11+ hours to finish the game, and finding only 64 percent of the items. I guess I ought to take that baby metroid on a tour of SR-388 and help out that item percentage sometime.

If I have one complaint about Samus Returns (and maybe other, more recent games in the Metroid series), it’s that I had so many abilities by the end of the game that I couldn’t keep track of all of them. I HAVE the tools to solve every puzzle in the game—I just can’t remember to use them in the moment! But, that’s a pretty minor complaint. The games are great. Check out Samus Returns before the Nintendo 3DS and its library disappear into the digital ether forever!

Was I a Bad Enough Dude to finish Metroid: Samus Returns?
Yes
Is Metroid: Samus Returns Bad Enough to play again?
Yes

Metroid - Samus Returns (Part 2) - It's a Bug-Hunt

Mon, 09 May 2022 00:00:00 -0500

Year: 2017
Platform: Nintendo 3DS
Notes: I bought this with a 30% discount I received by redeeming My Nintendo platinum coins. Remember when the platinum coins had value and relevancy?

Last time on Bad Enough Dudes, metroid extermination commenced below the surface of planet SR-388, with some degree of difficulty. And while that’s still true, I feel as though I’m more able to hold my own against this onslaught of metroids. I’m better at parrying, lining up my missile shots, and finding opportunities to fire off a few bonus shots between the metroids’ attacks. It’s going so well that I defeated a big mess of them in one sitting—I want to say eight or ten! I’m bad! (But, in another, more accurate way, Samus is bad!)

Although, in addition to the alpha metroids, I’ve now encountered some gamma metroids, and these fights are a bit more tedious. Gamma metroids grow bigger than alphas, can fly and crawl, possess a wider and stronger variety of attacks, and habitually retreat from the fight and duck into these little tunnels that only they can enter, prompting a bug-hunt through a number of chambers until I corner them. Come on, stand up and fight!

“Is this going to be a stand-up fight, or another bug-hunt?”

Speaking of fighting, that’s exactly what I’m doing: taking the fight to the metroids. I keep diving deeper and deeper below the surface, oddly favoring the linear route to exploring every side chamber and narrow passage for power-ups. It feels wrong, out of place. At first, I felt a strong desire to backtrack for missile and energy tanks, as is the custom in this type of game. The problem is that there are so many types of gates blocking my way—hardened plants covering doors, big bulletproof blob monsters covering doors, doors that are obviously going to be opened by super missiles and power bombs later on, and so on—I honestly don’t see a point in backtracking until I have all of the game’s key items. My first instinct upon acquiring a new item in a typical Metroid game is to immediately go back and open all the gates it can unlock, to hoard the sweet power-ups within. In Samus Returns, I am content to follow the purple ooze wherever it leads. This ooze, which I failed to mention in my first entry, blocks Samus’s progress until she can defeat enough metroids in the designated area. By collecting their DNA and placing it in the nearest collector, the level of ooze lowers, allowing further progress into the planet.

BRB, harvesting more metroid DNA to influence slime levels below the surface. It's VERY scientific. [Image Credit: MobyGames]

The good news is that I don’t have to worry about losing track of all the locked doors I’m leaving behind. The minimap allows me to drop pins on it as reminders of what to investigate later—quite the handy feature for a game with such emphasis on backtracking. I’m also taking notes, of course (so I can blog about all of this), but the pins serve as my primary reminders.

In addition to the cramped corridors common in Metroid games, there are occasional huge chambers to traverse. They’re mostly empty, but my anxiety insists I explore as much of them as possible. I don’t want to miss anything! Occasionally, my persistence pays off with a missile tank pick-up, but otherwise, I typically just find damaging spikes that I can’t cross, especially on the ceilings while using the Spider Ball, which is a powerup that allows Samus to climb on walls and ceilings while in Morph Ball form.

Despite these big empty chambers, I don’t quite get the same sense of loneliness and isolation here in Samus Returns as I do from most Metroid games. There is always a big, benign creature meandering in the background or machines rumbling or something that gives SR-388 life. (I mean, other than the vicious creatures out for my blood.) The atmosphere is not bad, just different. And, to be fair, technology has come a long way since the last 2D Metroid game, presenting all kinds of opportunities to add more ambiance and background elements.

Samus about to acquire another power-up that I am sure to forget exists within 15 minutes. Sorry, friend. [Image Credit: MobyGames]

In terms of items, I acquired a lot since I last checked in, including the Wave Beam and Spazer. (Aha, there it is—three-eyed door blobs, beware!) The increase in firepower was much appreciated—I actually feel capable against some of these enemies now, after feeling underpowered throughout much of the game, for the most part (shoulda been backtracking for those missiles, I guess). I also acquired two more Aieon-fueled abilities, Lightning Armor and Rapid Fire. I forgot to mention Aieon in my last entry. It’s a secondary energy bar, similar to a magic meter, perhaps, that fuels the Scan Pulse, Lightning Armor, Rapid Fire, and one as-of-yet-unknown ability. The Lightning Armor allows Samus to walk or roll through certain damaging terrains, like these prolific red plants that look very barbed and poisonous. It also absorbs damage from certain types of enemies, like swarms of little bugs, or this purple cloud that follows Samus until she jumps in some water. The Rapid Fire, well, fires rapidly, and is needed to defeat certain types of enemies, particularly haywire mining robots.

Ah, geez. [Image Credit: MobyGames]

Oh…the mining robots. I would be remiss if I didn’t mention one robot in particular, one that I came to learn is named Diggernaut—a giant, malfunctioning robot with two huge drilling arms. I first encountered Diggernaut shortly after acquiring the Grapple Beam, when I yanked at what I thought was a glowing red grapple point. No, it was Diggernaut’s eye, and I ended up freeing it from some rubble. It trundled off into the depths of the caves, and I kind of forgot about it. What a mistake, as Diggernaut returned later, mistook Samus for a rich vein of ore, apparently, and chased me through a series of narrow passages with one of its instant-kill drill arms. This sequence is a race against the drill arm, requiring much trial, error, and memorization, as Samus must navigate these aforementioned narrow passages using the Morph Ball, bombs, and Grapple Beam quickly enough to not be crushed by the rampaging Diggernaut. Sadly, it sounds better than it plays. I found this chase scene tedious, and lacking the finesse, urgency, and terror of the SA-X chase sequences from Metroid Fusion. More than anything, it felt out of place.

BUT, I survived. Eventually. It took ten tries or so to successfully string together all of the necessary movements. Hooray for persistence.

Here's the stand-up fight we were looking for! [Image Credit: MobyGames]

On the plus side, I defeated my first zeta metroid, the latest evolution of metroid. It only killed me once! I am definitely getting better at these fights, and the recent acquisition of super missiles sped up the termination process tremendously. This zeta metroid, unlike the gamma metroids before it, mercifully took the fight to me, rather than ducking me multiple times in a single encounter. Finally, an evil alien parasite you can hang your space hat on!

While I’m closing out this entry, our adventure with Samus is far from over! My metroidometer reads several more life signs in need of extermination, I’m still missing a few key items, and I still can’t break these blue crystals. What do I need? Power bombs? Screw Attack? What’s gonna take care of these things? Will I be bad enough to see Samus’s return through to the end? To be concluded in our next installment!

Metroid - Samus Returns (Part 1) - A Metroid II Remake

Mon, 25 Apr 2022 00:00:00 -0500

Year: 2017
Platform: Nintendo 3DS
Notes: This isn't the only Metroid II remake in existence. Hmm....

I played Metroid II: Return of Samus on Game Boy once, long ago. I liked it, but I cannot claim it ranks among my favorite Metroid games. To be honest, I think the game overwhelmed me at the time. While I could navigate the corridors of planet Zebes from the original Metroid on NES with some degree of comfort, the Game Boy’s smaller screen created a truly claustrophobic experience for Samus and me on her mission to infiltrate the metroids’ homeworld, planet SR-388, and wipe them out. Of course, I was also too lazy and impatient and teenaged to draw my own maps, so I likely spent the majority of my time with Metroid II hopelessly lost and frustrated. I beat it, but I remember getting the worst ending, so it must have taken me quite a while. I suspect that if I played Metroid II again today, with patience, better taste, and more appreciation for the suspenseful elements of the series, my opinion might change for the better. I guess I ought to grab it from the 3DS eShop before it’s too late.

In the meantime, lucky for me and my less-than-stellar take on Metroid II, a remake for Nintendo 3DS, known as Metroid: Samus Returns, released in 2017, some 26 years after its inspiration. Slobbering, unkempt Metroid fans burst from our hibernatory cocoons at the chance to play a new 2D Metroid game for the first time since 2004’s Metroid: Zero Mission.

True to form, it took me almost an extra five years to get around to it. In my defense, I bought Samus Returns in 2018, intending to play it on a plane ride to visit Craig and his wife, but I wasn’t in the right headspace at the time, finding myself knee-deep in a deranged (but ultimately successful!) attempt to beat Castlevania III: Dracula’s Curse with all the optional secondary characters and taking all possible branching paths. That was quite an undertaking, so trying to start a new Metroid game in the middle of it didn’t stick. After that, I just, y’know, forgot about it for another four years.

A fine morning for bounty-hunting.

Fast-forward to 2021, and the release of Metroid Dread, the latest 2D Metroid installment. Okay, no more excuses. With Dread waiting in the wings, Samus Returns needs my undivided attention, at last.

[I don’t have a means of capturing screenshots from my 3DS, so apologies in advance for the stock imagery.]

Samus Returns has some new features for a 2D Metroid game that I know I’m going to struggle to remember. First, there’s the parry, which is a melee counter-attack which, if timed correctly, can be used to deflect the attacks of charging or swooping enemies. The parry also briefly stuns said enemies, leaving them vulnerable to a volley of beams or missiles. I have a feeling the parry is going to be a critical part of the important fights in the game, and that I am going to forget it’s available and be unable to figure out how to win the fights.

Secondly, the scan pulse reveals breakable blocks in an area for a limited time. This is a handy convenience feature that eliminates the need to bomb every block in a room to find hidden passages. Instead, activate scan pulse, listen for the tone that a breakable block is nearby, and look for the pulsing highlights on the appropriate blocks. If you’re a particularly hardcore wall-bomber or Metroid traditionalist, you probably won’t like this feature, but I welcome it as a time-saver.

Lastly, the ability to free-aim allows Samus to fire in 360 degrees. I like this, too, but I haven’t played my 3DS in such a long time that I’m struggling to readjust to the circle pad. It provides fluid and precision aiming, but I have trouble getting it to aim exactly where I want. Precise, but not accurate.

Return of Samus [Image Credit: MobyGames]

But, besides my terrible aim, I’m off to a pretty good start. After a successful traversal of SR-388’s surface, I dove into a cave and, with some light exploration and resistance from the natives, I have the Morph Ball, the Charge Beam, and my first energy tank. I also defeated my first alpha metroid, an evolved form of a regular metroid, which was no small task. As I suspected, the parry was an important means of speeding up the fight, as a well-timed parry opens up the opportunity to plug the alpha metroid with a half-dozen missiles in one salvo. I was able to sneak in a few extra missiles periodically, but stunning the metroid with a parry seemed my best bet for victory. That being said, the parries were difficult to time—the metroid swoops in, and I have to smack them in the head at just the right moment to stun them and avoid taking a hit.

One of the gimmicks of Samus Returns (and Metroid II, its source material) is that here on the metroids’ homeworld of SR-388, metroids molt and mutate into more evolved versions of themselves. However, I think it’s arguable that the evolved metroids are less dangerous than their vanilla counterparts. For example, a regular metroid can only be defeated if frozen with the ice beam, then pelted with missiles. Without an ice beam, the best option is to run (if you can). The evolved metroids, on the other hand, have weak spots always vulnerable to missiles—no ice beam required. It’s also arguable that their attacks are not as dangerous or terrifying as a vanilla metroid’s ability to latch on and suck all the life out of its prey, and can only be dislodged with great difficulty. I guess it’s a matter of opinion, but if it were up to me, I’d rather take my chances with these evolved metroids than the originals. Yikes.

I got discouraged, briefly, when I found some blocks that appeared to only be breakable with bombs, which I didn’t have, yet. But, then I found the bombs like thirty seconds later, so my discouragement was short-lived. That being said, I have discovered a number of other gates I cannot penetrate, including some blue crystals, some kind of block with a shining red light in it, and a big purple blob with three eyes covering a door. Hm, that last one sounds like a job for the Spazer, a weapon that fires three beams simultaneously. But I don’t have a Spazer, so a fat lot of good that’s doing me!

Welcome to Parryville. Get used to using this technique or else. [Image Credit: MobyGames]

Oh, I also discovered a hot room that I can’t enter without losing energy. I’m gonna need a Varia suit to take care of business in there. The Metroid series tropes are on full display, and I am here for them.

At this point, I’ve cleared the Surface area and Area 1, and I find myself near the Area 2 elevator. Nearby, there are some blocks that require Screw Attack to break, and there’s a door with some kind of pulsing blob attached to it that’s holding a big rock in front of it. Okay. I apparently don’t have what it takes to open this door, yet. But, the good news is that I have found one or two teleport stations, so I can backtrack to this door pretty easily when the time is right. Fast travel in a Metroid game?! These are truly extraordinary times.

My biggest takeaway thus far as I close out this first entry on Samus Returns? The enemies here on SR-388 are absolutely beating the stuffing out of me in the early game. Flying lizards, mutant frogs, burrowing things, metroids?! All ping-ponging me from one end of the caverns to the other. I have died so many times, already more times than I have died in a single playthrough of any Metroid game in years, and I’m not even very far into the game. Am I being careless, or is Samus Returns just harder than most Metroid games? Getting this parrying right is proving to be even more essential than I initially thought. The good news is that I haven’t forgotten about it nearly as often as I expected. Is this proof of good game design? To be continued….

My Top 10 Games of “2020”

Thu, 14 Apr 2022 00:00:00 -0500

Let’s return to a worse time in our lives: the year 2020. Don’t worry—we won’t be here long, and we’re talking about something good: the ten best video games I played in 2020!

I intended to make this post at the beginning of 2021, on my other blog, That No Good Blog (currently on hiatus), but it never happened. I was struggling with burnout and a crisis of motivation or some such nonsense, so the entry never happened. But, I’ve been making these lists since 2016 and I didn’t want to miss a year, so I’m still doing it. Just really, really late.

Now, normally, I set myself a rule that games I’ve already played can’t appear on my annual “Best of” lists—they must be games new to me (except the honorable mention, which can be anything). Well, despite a lot of time quarantining and otherwise staying away from people, 2020 was a lean year for new games, so this list is chock full of games I’ve already played. I apparently leaned on comfort games in what was an otherwise bleak and life-upheaving year.

When I started these Top 10 lists, I also set myself a rule that I have to beat all the games appearing on the list, but that rule is sometimes ignored, as well, depending on circumstances. I think I actually beat all of these, but who knows?! 2020 was like five years ago, right? Can I remember anything about these games? Let’s get to it!

[Image Credit: MobyGames]

Honorable Mention: Spelunky 2 (PC, 2020)

Spelunky 2, while enjoyable, has not stolen away with my time like the original did. I had the first Spelunky on Xbox 360, and my playing habit got a little out of hand back in the summer of 2013 or whenever it was that I got it. I saw 2 or 3 in the morning a lot that summer, in search of Olmec’s legendary treasure. But Spelunky 2? I played it for six hours as part of my Extra Life 2020 marathon and haven’t touched it since! It seemed to have as much merit as the original, not to mention a bunch of secrets itching to be unearthed, but I have not returned.

I think part of me fears going back, knowing that I’ll devote an unhealthy number of hours to uncovering everything the game has to offer (and that I’m clever enough to figure out). If I could approach Spelunky 2 like a sane person and, say, play it once a day instead of obsessively and for hours at a time, maybe I can still enjoy it? As I’ve learned from games like the first Spelunky, Super Meat Boy, and Robotron 2084, playing deep into the night rarely results in that high score or game-winning run or 100% completion rate. Instead, I enter sleep deprivation and play the games in my dreams during the short hours I do rest—the double whammy of unhealthy obsession. Can I break the cycle with Spelunky 2?! I’d love to see it on a future Top 10, paired with a heartwarming anecdote about how much I enjoyed it without playing it six hours a day.

[Image Credit: MobyGames]

10. Armored Warriors (Arcade via Nintendo Switch, 1994)

Ah, beat ’em ups. I can always depend on them for some solid comfort gaming. Go straight ahead, beat wave after wave of thugs and hooligans to death with my fists en route to an over-the-top final boss encounter in the penthouse of a Miami high-rise, and topple the cartel. Okay, maybe that doesn’t describe every beat ’em up, but about eighty percent of them, and certainly what I would consider the best ones.

Armored Warriors, however, is one of those outliers. Instead of battling on foot and using your fists, you pilot a mech, and use your…well, oversized robot fists, to beat other mechs to bits en route to a final boss encounter with the enemy mother brain. Defeated mechs often drop their gun emplacements, tank treads, and other components, which you can then add to your mech, augmenting its firepower and movement. It’s a pretty cool feature, and who can resist giant robots beating the crap out of each other? It reminds me of a Sega Genesis game, Cyborg Justice—also a beat ’em up—where you could tear your opponents’ limbs off and add them to your own cyborg body.

Honestly, while the concept is really cool, I don’t find the game itself all that memorable. I played it with Craig over Nintendo Switch Online, as part of the Capcom Beat ’Em Up Bundle. I sat on the living room floor of a somewhat-destitute rental in Pittsburg, Kansas, where my family and I lived for about three months while we worked out buying a house. I do remember that it was fun, that I enjoyed the Vulcan mini-guns, and that we decimated some evil space empire’s mecha fleet in its entirety.

[Image Credit: MobyGames]

9. The King of Dragons (Arcade via Nintendo Switch, 1991)

Yep, another beat ’em up. Hey, you remember 2020 as well as I do. Gotta take out that frustration on as many bad guys as possible, in the most satisfying way possible: gruesome melee combat.

Also part of the Capcom Beat ’Em Up Bundle, The King of Dragons is something of a precursor to Capcom’s two Dungeons & Dragons-themed brawlers, Tower of Doom and Shadow Over Mystara, but more basic and without the D&D license. Players can choose between fighter, wizard, cleric, elf, and dwarf to battle a red dragon named Gildiss and his hordes of rampaging monsters.

Which, let’s talk about this for a minute. I like how “elf” and “dwarf” are character classes here. What does the elf do? Is he a warrior? A rogue? Give me some insight! It’s pretty obvious while playing the game, but delivering this info to you here, in the written word, “elf” and “dwarf” are pretty ambiguous, huh? (For the record, the elf is an archer, and the dwarf is an axe warrior.)

Anyway, one thing that I feel The King of Dragons has over the two D&D games is its simplicity. All the games have light RPG elements, like leveling up and weapon and armor upgrades. However, the D&D games get pretty complicated, giving you access to an inventory and the ability to switch magic spells and buy more items. While that’s a fairly intriguing and ambitious feature for an arcade game of its time, juggling all those spells and items from a handful of buttons confuses and flusters the heck out of me every time. I don’t have to worry about any of that with King of Dragons—walk forward, slay evil, level up, repeat. Depending on my mood, it’s the better, more straightforward option. I also love playing beat ’em ups in a fantasy setting—it’s the next best thing to the aforementioned mean streets of some drug-infested burg.

[Image Credit: MobyGames]

8. Rygar (NES via Nintendo Switch, 1987)

I’ve spoken ad nauseum over the years, as have most retro-gaming enthusiasts, about the debilitating obtuseness of some older games. I counted Rygar, the story of a dead warrior who must rise from his grave and use his powerful Diskarmor weapon to save the land of Argool from the evil Ligar, among them. An open world with no real indication of how to proceed can be intimidating, especially when I have (ugh, let’s be honest) hundreds of other more accessible games at my disposal. So, while Rygar was always a curiosity, I never gave it my best effort.

However, when the game was added to Nintendo Switch Online, I was compelled to give it another shot. But this time, I also downloaded a PDF of the instruction manual. While not every instruction manual is useful, Rygar’s manual is a treasure trove of vital information. It includes a dependable map of Argool, info on items and their uses and locations, and pretty much everything I needed to navigate the game with minimal frustration. It gave me just enough information to point me in the right direction without ruining the game or playing the game for me. Over the years, I’ve learned to seek out and read instruction manuals for these older games before getting started. It probably seems obvious, but they can answer a lot of questions that maybe cannot be addressed in-game, due to technological restraints, poor translations, or other obstacles of the time. I find that reading the manuals makes the experience more fulfilling than depending on GameFAQs or YouTube longplays to figure out the tricky parts. A good manual is a natural extension of the game itself.

That being said, Rygar is still a little rough around the edges. It’s one of Tecmo’s earliest NES games, after all. But, there’s a compelling adventure in here, with fun combat, generally good music, a big world to explore, and some pretty awesome backdrops of sunsets. I had a great time. Read the manual, and you’ll be fine.

[Image Credit: MobyGames]

7. Crystalis (NES via Nintendo Switch, 1990)

My earliest memory of Crystalis is from elementary school, when a friend called me at home (on a landline, which was the style at the time) to ask me for advice because he was stuck. Even at that early age, I was one of the “video game guys” in our class, so I would know, right? Sadly, I hadn’t played Crystalis, so I couldn’t help (although the music from the first cave, which I could hear over the phone in the background, is forever burned into my memory from that call). As it would turn out, I wouldn’t play Crystalis until it became available on Nintendo Switch Online, having never found the original, nor the Game Boy Color port, and I was too cheap to buy the SNK Anniversary Collection on which it appeared. I suppose I could have emulated it, but never did.

Upon finally playing Crystalis, I found it to be a great overhead action RPG. It doesn’t quite have the polish of something like The Legend of Zelda, as it struggles with some hit detection issues and clumsier combat, but it features a huge world and lots of exotic locales and characters with which to interact. I find it more akin to something like Willow than Zelda, in that regard. Again, I recommend reading the manual and keeping it handy as a reference—there is a sizable number of items, many of which are ambiguous in name or usage. I drew some of my own maps, too, as some of the later caves and dungeons proved to be pretty confusing, and even included some loops!

As a side note, the Japanese title of Crystalis is God Slayer: Sonata of the Far-Away Sky. Wow. On second thought, I’m not sure I’m actually Bad Enough to play Crystalis.

[Image Credit: MobyGames]

6. Diablo (PC, 1996) - Beaten Before

Let’s get one thing straight: I’ve beaten Diablo hundreds of times. Thousands! Okay, not that many, but this wasn’t my first campaign against the lord of terror. It was, however, my first time beating Diablo as a rogue. I’ve always been a warrior and sorcerer kind of guy (and there was that one time I played as a monk by way of the curious Hellfire expansion pack), but I felt that it was high time the rogue got my attention. I have come to appreciate archery in video games as I’ve grown older, whereas I was strictly bound to swords and shields (and some spells, too) as a young person. It was tricky, at times, but I felt I came into my own as a rogue by the late game, and I had a great time playing Diablo in a way I hadn’t experienced before. It did require a lot of hit-and-run, a lot of strategic use of doors and grates, and some patience, but hey, I was a rogue. They’re stealthy, they’re crafty. They take advantage of the situation. Why can’t I?

While Diablo II and III are raging behemoths of the hack and slash genre, do not discount the fun and addictive qualities of the original Diablo. The pace is a bit slower, yes, but the experience is no less compelling. The loot drops are scarcer, but I find them to be more manageable and meaningful, as well—while enemies explode into literal troves of gold and armaments at every turn in the newer installments, the right drop at the right time in the original Diablo can make the difference between struggling under the blows of increasingly difficult enemies, or crushing and driving them before you. The game still looks pretty good, and has an unsettling and atmospheric score that will creep its way into your subconscious before you know it.

[Image Credit: MobyGames]

5. Final Fantasy (Game Boy Advance, 2004) - Beaten Before

The Game Boy Advance version of the original Final Fantasy, from the Final Fantasy I & 2: Dawn of Souls collection, is my go-to, definitive version of the game. While it lacks the nostalgia of the NES version, it balances the character classes better (drastically improving the usefulness of the thief), removes “ineffective” attacks (characters attempting to attack enemies that have already been defeated), fixes some bugs in how character attributes affect their combat prowess, and, best of all, is portable! There are some changes I could do without, as well, such as updating the names of some enemies, items, and spells (which always throws me off, no matter how many times I play this version—I just can’t get used to it), and switching to a magic points system versus a limited number of casts from each level of spells in a spellcaster’s grimoire. But, those are minor nitpicks—it’s not a perfect remake, but it’s awfully close.

I have to go back and play the original Final Fantasy every two or three years. It’s not the most polished, deep, or well written entry in the series, but Final Fantasy was my first big console RPG, and has become quintessential comfort gaming over the course of my life. It’s a quick romp, no playthrough is exactly the same, and I’m always trying out new party and equipment configurations to keep things fresh. No, I have not yet played with a party of four white mages, but, as a masochist, I cannot rule out that eventuality.

[Image Credit: MobyGames]

4. Chasm (PC, 2018)

Chasm is a funny game. Well, not really; it’s an exploration sidescroller (or Metroidvania, if you will) about a knight investigating a mine that’s been shut down because a supernatural force has emerged from the mine and abducted the townspeople above. That’s not funny. What is funny about Chasm is that it has a rap for being something of an average game. As I recall, I was a bit underwhelmed by the loot and overall variety of arms and armor available. I would consider it to be a bit on the easy side, as well—I was able to handily overcome pretty much all the bosses with the occasional aid of a healing item or two, and rarely had issues with run-amuck enemies patrolling the tunnels. In other respects, I found Chasm to be very good, particularly in its environmental art, ranging from luminescent caves to elaborate catacombs and ruins. Other standouts included the music and some creative puzzles, including an especially memorable one that asks you to remember details from a huge mural on the back wall of a certain chamber.

Despite its reputation, I had a blast with Chasm. If memory serves, I believe I started playing right around or shortly after the start of the pandemic, so it hit at just the right time, when I was in need of an escape. Once I started, it was hard to put down, and I finished it pretty quickly—a rarity for games in this time of my life. I am a sucker for these Metroidvanias, though. I don’t think I would even notice if I was playing a bad one. It’s a formula that’s pretty hard to mess up, as far as I’m concerned. But don’t get me wrong, and don’t let its reputation fool you—Chasm is a good one.

I wouldn’t mind returning to Chasm someday, and since the game is procedurally generated, it will be a new experience, which adds a little incentive to another playthrough. I might try a little more experimentation with my equipment next time around, too. Maybe I was just missing something there? I feel like it deserves another look.

[Image Credit: MobyGames]

3. The Guardian Legend (NES, 1989) - Beaten Before

It’s a top-down action RPG. It’s a vertically scrolling shooter. What, really? It’s both? Is this the best game ever made? Well, probably not, but The Guardian Legend does merge these two great genres into a single amazing experience. My appreciation for this game dates all the way back to my elementary school days. I enjoyed it then, but I didn’t have any idea of what I was doing. Have I mentioned how much the instruction manual adds to the experience of these old games? Well, I didn’t have it back then, and I certainly could have used it!

While The Guardian Legend isn’t the best top-down action RPG, and it also isn’t the best vertically scrolling shooter, the overall adventure is better than the sum of its parts. The titular Guardian must infiltrate the planet Naju, an alien world hurtling towards Earth on a collision course. On foot, the Guardian traverses the surface of the planet, collecting items and solving puzzles to unlock the planet’s underground “corridors,” in which she transforms into her ship form to defeat giant alien bosses and enable the safety switches for Naju’s self-destruct mechanism. Once the switches are all enabled, the Guardian can activate the self-destruct and hightail it outta there. It’s complicated to describe, but great fun to experience.

I think the overall melancholy tone and story draw me to The Guardian Legend more than anything. While the generally upbeat music belies that sentiment (one of my favorite soundtracks on the NES, in fact), your objective is to not only eliminate the hostile aliens on this world, but eliminate the world itself so it doesn’t smash into Earth. Destroying an entire planet, teeming with life, for the purpose of self preservation is a deeply troubling predicament—there’s a sadness to this mission. It can’t be taken lightly. Not only that, the game delivers its story in messages left by a predecessor who also attempted to self-destruct Naju, but failed. The messages contain a lot of helpful clues and information to see the Guardian through her mission, but they’ve been left by somebody long dead. I know this is supposed to be brainless video game fun, but geez, how do you play and not get preoccupied by that? Such an uncharacteristic amount of emotion from an NES game! It’s great. Check it out.

[Image Credit: MobyGames]

2. The Messenger (Nintendo Switch, 2018)

The Messenger does a lot of things right. It has action. It has humor. It has memorable and interesting boss fights. It even has a score that’s so good, I sometimes listen to it during my work day to keep me energized.

The one thing it does best, however, far better than any of its other superb qualities, is player movement. Spectacular, yet functional player movement.

In its most basic form, the story of The Messenger is pretty simple: you play a ninja who needs to deliver a message from his village to the top of the Glacial Peak. Well, there are a lot of hazards between the messenger and that peak: forests, catacombs, caves, thorny marshes, craggy rocks, the underworld…also, bad guys. Plenty of those, too. This ninja needs a lot of moves to traverse all of those hostile environments and overcome those foes.

Luckily, he has them. There’s the Cloudstep, which allows the messenger to jump again in midair if he scores a hit while in the air. Master this move, and you can remain in the air indefinitely, as long as there are targets to hit. There are climbing claws, which allow climbing walls, a wingsuit that permits gliding, a rope dart that functions as a grapple, and more. Put all these techniques and equipment together, master their use, and the ninja can move with incredible grace and fluidity through just about any situation. My description here can’t do it justice—the movement in this game is so smooth and varied and fun. I don’t know that I could ask for a more technically sound action game.

That being said, the second half of the game proves a bit clunkier than the nearly perfect first half. This portion of The Messenger adds backtracking and exploration elements, not to mention a dose of time travel, and while I’ll never say no to a Metroidvania (especially one incorporating time travel), for some reason, in comparison to the first half, it just doesn’t seem to work as well as one might think. The contrast of play style between the two portions of the game proves overwhelming. The lightning-quick messenger, with an arsenal of movement-based tech at his disposal, is tailor-made for a pure action platformer. The need for exploration handicaps the overall movement and pace. It just doesn’t feel right. That’s not to say this portion of the game isn’t fun. I really enjoyed the challenge of tracking down and collecting all of the power seals, and I feel the developers handled the time travel smoothly and in an innovative way.

I haven’t played the free DLC, yet, so I can’t comment there. The rest of The Messenger is joy in video game form.

[Image Credit: MobyGames]

1. Ironsword: Wizards & Warriors II (NES, 1989)

Oh, boy. I have a lot to talk about here. Bear with me.

So Ironsword was a Christmas or birthday present back in 1991 or 1992, I think. Having enjoyed the original Wizards & Warriors, I dove right in. I don’t really remember the specifics of figuring the game out, but let’s just say it was a gradual process. Each area is split into two segments: a fetch quest, in which you must track down a golden item for the local animal king (such as a golden egg for the Eagle King, or a golden fly for the Frog King), and a segment in which you must track down a special magic spell to battle an elemental under the control of this jerk wizard named Malkil who won’t die and always causes problems. He’s also in the original Wizards & Warriors, and he comes back in the third game, too. Just get out of here already, Malkil! Ugh!

Anyway, I finally reached the end of the game around Christmastime, 1992. I remember a lengthy play session in our living room on Christmas Eve, trying to beat the final boss, a re-fight of all four elementals, simultaneously. I never finished the game—the final encounter was too much for me. A few months later, I elected to trade in Ironsword towards the acquisition of a Sega Genesis, and forgot about it for a long time. I just couldn’t finish it, so I didn’t really regret parting with it. Years later, after re-embracing the NES, I reacquired Ironsword and set forth to finish what I started that fateful Christmas Eve!

And…I won! Well, sort of. With the help of the internet, I figured out how to manipulate the game’s password system to give myself more lives for the last level. See, once you reach the last level, the game takes away all of your continues. If you get there with one life, you have one life to beat all the elementals. It’s unnecessary torture and misery, and I don’t know why the developers would do something like that. Artificial urgency, I suppose? Tougher to beat on a rental? It’s awful. My password for the last level only provided one life, so I changed the appropriate digit so I had three lives. Victory was mine.

But, it was tainted. I knew it. And I had to fix it. I decided to schedule Ironsword for my 2020 Extra Life marathon, knowing full well I hadn’t played it in years, and hadn’t legitimately defeated it. I was scared out of my mind. I made it to the end, and was again stymied by the final boss. It was Christmas Eve, 1992, all over again.

After my daughter got sick, my marathon ended up getting split into three segments on three separate days. I played Ironsword the second day, but then I revisited it on the final day, having consulted the internet for more final boss tips and tricks. No shame—it’s a hard game, and had I beaten it pre-internet, it wouldn’t have been without the help of Nintendo Power. With strategy in hand, and a non-manipulated password, I returned to the last level, and after another handful of narrow defeats, at last, I saw the demise of Malkil and his elementals. Victory was mine…for real, this time. Untainted, final victory.

It’s too bad I accidentally left myself on mute on Twitch when it happened. Oh well. Game of the Year.

Vampire Survivors: Stop Playing if You Can, Survive if it Lets You

Wed, 16 Mar 2022 00:00:00 -0500

Year: 2021
Platform: PC
Notes: Highly addictive. Avoid if you have a lot on your plate. Or maybe just avoid if your life holds any meaning for you.

[Introducing Play By Play, which is, at least by design, the primary focus of the Bad Enough Dudes blog—journaling about games as I play them.]

Great news, everyone! I have discovered the most addictive video game I have played in years, and I’m here to tell you about it JUST in time for you to start that new, time-intensive, life-defining project you’ve always meant to tackle.

Oh, you wanted to get some work done? Sorry. You’re playing Vampire Survivors now. And probably forever.

A dude named Joe Drilling, who runs an entertaining and informative YouTube channel called Same Name, Different Game, tweeted about Vampire Survivors six weeks ago or so. This was my introduction to the game. I Googled it and found an early build on its itch.io page, where I tried it for the first time and immediately lost an hour of my evening. Not only do we have a deeply addictive formula at work here, but also strong Castlevania vibes, all concentrated into this very convenient, very addictive browser game. It’s as if Vampire Survivors was custom-made to ruin my life.

It begins.

So, I picked a character—the whip-wielding Antonio Belpaese, the only character available from the outset (and who bears a striking resemblance to members of a certain vampire-killing lineage)—and bided my time as a flock of bats slowly surrounded and closed in on me. My man Antonio started to auto-whip the bats out of the air at a regularly timed interval, so my only concerns were dodging the enemies and picking up items as they fell. The bats occasionally dropped gems—I picked up a handful and got a level up, where I was presented with a choice of three upgrades. I could choose only one, and press onward. I also received some random upgrades from treasure chests dropped by tougher boss monsters.

Soon, the bats were joined by zombies, skeletons, and other horrors. Within a couple of minutes, I was overwhelmed, and paid my first of many visits to the “Game Over” screen. Drag.

Power UP!

But! I earned some money, which I used to unlock a new character, Imelda, who has a different starting weapon (a magic wand) and character perks than Antonio. Awesome. Now I can try this character, and maybe a different combination of upgrades?

And, oh, I see there are other characters and permanent upgrades to unlock by earning more money. This will require more gameplay! More, perfect, horrible gameplay.

Subsequent attempts saw me survive longer and longer periods of time, as my skills improved and I experimented with different weapons and upgrades, ranging from holy water and throwing axes to armor bonuses and duplicators that increase the number of projectiles my character throws. That’s half the fun and addiction of Vampire Survivors—choosing the appropriate combination of upgrades to hone my character into a nigh-invulnerable killing machine. Figuring out what works best to kill the enemies is perhaps more satisfying and addictive than the actual killing of said enemies. In all, I think characters can hold six weapons and six upgrades at a time. When I held out against the monsters well enough to be choosy about what weapons and upgrades I picked, I was able to build my character in such a way that I couldn’t even be touched in the late-game. Ultimately, you only have to survive 30 minutes, which is both a blip and an eternity as thousands of monsters relentlessly descend upon you.

Things get a little hectic if you can survive longer than a few minutes.

Eventually, I played the free version enough that I felt I owed the creator some money, so I bought the $2.99 version on Steam. It cost me less than a coffee and has provided hours of ill-timed enjoyment. As of this writing, I’ve survived the Mad Forest and the Inlaid Library, and came within seconds of surviving the Dairy Plant (ugh). I unlocked many characters and a host of permanent upgrades. But, I’ve reached a point where I’m really hesitant to play it again because it’s SO addictive. The roguelite elements, the purging of literal thousands of vile night creatures, and the character-building are all just too much. Like the arcade classics of old, it’s too easy to play “just one more time.”

Full disclosure: I haven’t really seen any vampires, I don’t think. But, there are a lot of bats. Some of these bats could be vampires in bat-form. You can’t prove it isn’t true. Then again, the game is named Vampire Survivors, so maybe the vampires already passed through and are on their way somewhere else.

You wanna know what the worst part of all of this is? Vampire Survivors is only in Early Access. The game isn’t even done yet! If it’s this addictive now, what will it be like when it’s complete?!

I’d be happy to further analyze this threat to our society, but if you’ll excuse me, I need to go play more Vampire Survivors now.

Super Mario World: No Switch Palace Challenge

Sun, 06 Mar 2022 00:00:00 -0600

Year: 1991
Platform: Super Nintendo (SNES)
Notes: I couldn't figure out how to beat Bowser's final phase for the LONGEST time. Much shame.

Did you ever get the feeling you’re only playing games the way you’re supposed to?

If there is a term that best describes me as a gamer, it’s vanilla. When I play games, I don’t do anything weird or out of the ordinary. I don’t try to beat Super Mario Bros. without collecting power-ups or coins, exploit the item duplication glitch that lets me beat Shadowgate in five minutes, fight the bosses in Super Metroid in reverse order, or otherwise play games in such a way that was not intended or expected by the developers.

HOWEVER. However. After playing all my favorite games the same way so many times, I must admit, with some embarrassment, that my gaming life might be getting a little stale. I think I need to spice things up a bit. I mean, come on, how many times can I take the exact same route through Metroid and not get bored? Well, a lot, apparently, but I think it finally happened.

Hence, allow me to introduce The Second Quest, a feature I hope to bring to you with some degree of regularity on the Bad Enough Dudes blog. The Second Quest revisits games I have played before, but in new, spicier ways. Examples might include playing a Mega Man game without using any robot master powers, or playing a Zelda game without collecting any heart containers—y’know, something dumb and dangerous. In addition, I plan to use it to revisit games that I just haven’t played for a really long time, or maybe to give second chances to games I think I should really like, but didn’t appreciate my first time through.

Our first subject? I completed Super Mario World without visiting any of the switch palaces. While I wouldn’t call this a groundbreaking new feat, or even excessively challenging, I’ve personally never tried it before. My curiosity finally got the better of me, so I gave it a shot.

No filling in the blanks.

Now, the first thing you might be wondering, especially if you’re not familiar with Super Mario World, is what a switch palace could be. So, scattered throughout Dinosaur Land, or wherever you’re at in this game, are dashed outlines of blocks. They come in four colors: yellow, green, red, and blue. Also scattered throughout Super Mario World are four switch palaces. Finding a switch palace and hitting the big colored switch in each will fill in the respective colored outlines with exclamation blocks. These blocks often create walls or platforms that can assist Mario’s progress, or sometimes even block enemies that would otherwise be running loose all over the place!

Instruction manual description of the switch palaces.

Not only that, the yellow blocks contain super mushrooms, and the green blocks contain cape feathers, which are a godsend in a pinch. I’ve always thought it was a curious design choice that the red and blue blocks don’t provide any items. The first time I discovered the red switch palace, I was certain the red blocks would contain fire flowers, as the color is clearly a great fit. Blue, I’m not sure. Yoshi? Invincibility stars? But no, they contain nothing. As a pre-teen boy who was preoccupied with things like WEAPONS and KILLING ENEMIES, I was pretty disappointed when I bonked one of those red blocks for the first time and did not receive a fire flower for my troubles. Today, I think I understand the thought process behind the decision—yellow and green blocks are mostly used to provide extra power-ups throughout levels, while red and blue blocks seem to be used more for providing extra platforms, so it makes sense. Still, there’s a selfish, nostalgic little part of me that feels cheated.

Having played Super Mario World more times than I would like to admit, I never considered NOT visiting the switch palaces. I’m gonna find and beat the rest of the levels in the game, so why not them? Wouldn’t that make the experience incomplete? Would the game be less fun?! Am I doing Mario a disservice by willfully impeding his progress?

Folks, these are important questions. Let’s find out!

Star World 4 secret exit, without the benefit of exclamation blocks.

Digging in, much of the first half of the game felt pretty close to plain ol’ Super Mario World. Throughout Yoshi’s Island, Donut Plains, Vanilla Dome, and the Cheese Bridge Area (is that really the name of this world?), the absence of blocks went largely unnoticed, or could be easily overcome with the cape. To be fair, the blocks don’t become prolific until later in the game, so there weren’t a ton to miss at the outset, but they proved to not be essential. It wasn’t until the Fortress in the Forest of Illusion where the missing blocks turned nasty. I feel this is where the game’s difficulty spikes, anyway, but this is the spot where the second-guessing began.

Places Where I Really Missed the Exclamation Blocks

Forest of Illusion Fortress: This fortress is full of traps like buzzsaws, big smashy things, and the like. The blocks provide extra platforms that make it easier to avoid many of the traps, and seal off some pits. Without the blocks, the pits and traps were much more difficult to avoid. Uh, maybe this wasn’t such a good idea, I thought to myself as I poured lives into hazard after hazard. Who thought these blocks would make such a difference?
Wendy O. Koopa’s Castle (Chocolate Island): Exactly the same scenario described above, but with an additional, mostly-bottomless room full of Spark enemies that revolve around platforms. I took a lot of hits from the Sparks, and with two missing blocks that could have provided power-ups, the going was much tougher. The absence of the power-ups meant I often had to face Wendy O. as small Mario, which, given the number of lives I lost to her, is a challenge best left to pro gamers.
Valley of Bowser Fortress: A lot of spikes, more smashy things, and two missing power-up blocks made this already-tough fortress much tougher.

En route to the Star World 5 secret exit.

Places Where I Thought I Would Miss the Exclamation Blocks, But Really Didn’t

While there certainly were some areas where I sorely missed the blocks, there were also a couple of levels I dreaded facing without them. Surprisingly enough, the levels I feared the most weren’t worth the fuss.

Star Roads 4 and 5: Both of these levels include secret exits via placing keys into magic keyholes. The exclamation blocks make the keyholes much more accessible by creating long platforms with which to reach them. Bringing a blue Yoshi (found in Star Road 2) makes the absence of these platforms a non-issue. Just hold any color of koopa troopa shell in the blue Yoshi’s mouth, and he can fly Mario to the keyhole. (Any color of Yoshi can perform this same trick by holding a blue koopa shell in its mouth.)
Larry Koopa’s Castle (Valley of Bowser): It turns out I lose a ton of lives in Larry’s Castle with or without exclamation blocks. There are only two yellow exclamation blocks in the entire castle, and they’re not that helpful. It’s just a tough, lengthy level, and I hate it—the perfect immediate lead-up to Bowser’s castle.

Star World 5 secret exit, without the benefit of exclamation blocks.

The Verdict

With the exception of the levels listed above, the missing blocks didn’t significantly detract from my ability to traverse levels, or cause a meaningful overall increase in Super Mario World’s difficulty. What really bothered me, though, was the overwhelming sense of incompletion. I like to wring all content possible out of Mario games, leaving no bonus unclaimed or secret level undiscovered. Unlocking and then purposely leaving the four switch palaces standing felt like throwing out leftover pizza. I’d like to believe I emerged from the challenge a slightly more competent player, with the ability to overcome the absence of the exclamation blocks. However, it hardly feels worth repeating.

Luckily, it was still Super Mario World, and it’s just hard for me to have a bad experience playing such a great game. If I try to up the ante again, I might consider something like a No Cape or No Yoshi challenge. I think the risks and the need for creative thinking and experimentation in overcoming those limitations would make for a much more interesting experience.

Was I a Bad Enough Dude to complete the No Switch Palace Challenge?
Yes
Is the No Switch Palace Challenge Bad Enough to attempt again?
No

The Bad Enough Dudes Primer

Sat, 19 Feb 2022 00:00:00 -0600

So what happens when you love video games, but frequently take a break from them for weeks or months at a time?

If you’re like me, and most of the games you play are old and bereft of the modern amenities and quality-of-life improvements we’ve come to know and love from our current-gen adventures, returning to a game in-progress after a lengthy hiatus can be frustrating. I drop back into the action without a quest log, so I can’t remember what I’m doing; without a map, so I can’t remember my whereabouts; and without any memory of how to play, so I have to relearn the controls, usually by looking them up online because I don’t have the manual. This becomes especially problematic with two of my favorite genres—roleplaying games and Metroidvanias, where some clue of where I am and what I was last doing proves critical to furthering my adventure. Sadly, if I can’t remember any of that, I start over or abandon the game for something else, at least for the time being. I’ve started Final Fantasy IV three times now and still have never made it through due to a long break somewhere in the middle. Maybe the fourth time will be the charm?

This kept happening. I fancy myself an artist and a designer in my spare time, so “projects” dominate many of my nights and weekends. I’m also a husband and dad committed to my family. Throw in the occasional life crisis, business trip, change of residence, or vacation, and…well, sorry, games. Get in the back.

Anyway, the solution to all of this was pretty simple. I started taking notes. Not only did this help me pick up where I left off more seamlessly, I could also keep track of items I missed, people I needed to go back and talk to later, clues to puzzles, and other stuff that I would have forgotten whether or not I took a long break from play. This seems like a rather practical solution I should have thought of years ago, but it turns out we’re not all blessed with planning skills or efficiency. Did you know I’ve been writing this introduction for months now?

I also realized I could use my notes to blog about my gaming! I’ve always wanted to keep a running game journal, not only for my own (probably unnecessary) records, but for others to also maybe peruse. I can’t play every game ever, and neither can you, but maybe you’ll enjoy reading about a few of them, in case you never get around to playing them, yourself.

Since this is the first Bad Enough Dudes post, and the blog would otherwise be devoid of content, I took the liberty of including some classic posts about video games from my blogs of yesteryear, to give you some reading material until I can get some new posts published.

Lastly, my brother Craig plans to join me for the occasional feature, in the event that we need to explore a bigger topic, like our favorite NES games or an argument about Mega Man or something. Or maybe when he just has something he needs to say! Expect him to drop in from time to time to tag-team some of the writing. He’s otherwise busy hosting a brilliant podcast about movies, so be sure to check that out, as well.

No, hold on, one more thing: this is all for fun! I don’t have a schedule, I don’t have aspirations to build a blogging empire, and I’m not planning to offer any NFTs…[shifty eyes]…yet. It’s just us and the games. Well, when we have the time to play them.

We’re not bad dudes. We’re just bad enough.

Enjoy!

My Top 10 Games of “2019”

Wed, 29 Jan 2020 00:00:00 -0600

Check it out! A somewhat timely Top 10 Games of the Year list! By comparison, the 2018 list didn’t release until May of 2019. I’m on a roll. The Pulitzer for online rambling lies within reach!

Although, I must admit, assembling a list of ten whole games played in 2019 proved challenging! I spent fewer hours playing video games in 2019 than any year in recent memory, so I had to cheat a little bit here and there to present a full list. Normally, I don’t include games I’ve beaten prior to the year in question, with the exception of the game in the “Honorable Mention” slot. Well, in this case, I included a game I beat for the first time many years ago, but spent quite a bit of time revisiting in 2019. Sacrilege. Perhaps I’ll redeem myself in 2020. Or maybe I’ll play fewer games than ever?! Such drama in this life of mine, let me tell you. Let’s check out the list before the gaming melodrama reaches levels from which we cannot recover!

As always, the games on this list didn’t have to be released in 2019 (hence the quotation marks in the title), just that I either beat them or played the majority of them in 2019.

[Image Credit: MobyGames]

Honorable Mention: Blaster Master (NES, 1988)

Among the games that I would consider to be my favorites on the NES, Blaster Master has long been the only game on that list that I cannot beat legitimately. I have only seen the end via gross abuse of save states. After its release on Nintendo Switch Online in January of 2019, I tried, once again, to defeat Blaster Master without rampant cheating. Annnddd…it’s still the single, unconquered entry among my favorite NES games. What is by and large a great game is cursed by its own upgrade system—the more movement upgrades the tank receives, the harder it controls. For instance, late in the game, the tank gains the ability to drive on walls. Unfortunately, this makes driving to an edge and then jumping off of it much trickier than it should be. (Yes, of course the tank jumps. It’s an NES game.) Instead, the tank will turn down the edge, often into a bed of spikes or some other hazard that I intended to jump across. It gets frustrating, especially in the tight, obstacle-laden corridors of the final area. It’s a detriment to an otherwise fun and amazing experience. Some day, Blaster Master. Some day.

[Image Credit: MobyGames]

10. Adventures of Lolo (NES, 1989)

I can’t say that block-pushing puzzle games often make my Top 10 lists, but Adventures of Lolo is a stand-out of the genre. Pushing blocks to save the princess (and probably build biceps) has never felt better. It has a nice aesthetic, a dare-I-say perfect learning curve, a single piece of music that plays through nearly the entire game, but somehow doesn’t get old, and it’s one of the late Satoru Iwata’s successes from his time at HAL Laboratory. Since Iwata found his way into all of our hearts as Nintendo’s president and CEO, playing any of his works fills me with a sense of joy and peace. I know that probably sounds ridiculous, but it’s the truth. Lolo is no exception.

For a quick, casual, relaxing, pick-up-and-play puzzle experience, you can check out Adventures of Lolo among the NES games available on Nintendo Switch Online.

[Image Credit: MobyGames]

9. Mutant Mudds Deluxe (Switch, 2013)

Mutant Mudds is another quick and casual game that appropriately made my list in what proved to be a busy and stressful year. It’s a 2D platformer in which Max defends the planet against an invasion of mutant mud monsters with his trusty water gun and jetpack. The gimmick here is that at certain points in each level, Max can jump into the foreground or background to battle more aliens, find secrets, and try to collect all 100 coins. It starts off easy, but the difficulty ramps up to near-frustrating levels later in the game, and there’s also a “dark world” of sorts that I have not yet completed, but thus far, its difficulty and atmosphere are reminiscent of Super Meat Boy’s dark world, which is something I’d rather not revisit. I hope Mutant Mudds is a bit more forgiving. I completed the main game in a fairly solid chunk and am now tackling the dark world and the bonus content bit by bit, when I might have 15 minutes left in the day.

As I played Mutant Mudds, I got strong vibes of early PC platformers such as Commander Keen and Duke Nukem, games that emphasize shooting and jumping and grabbing tons of items for points. Max and Keen would make great next-door neighbors, what with their gadgets, kid-friendly games, and penchant for battling aliens. Mutant Mudds is worth a try, and the Mutant Mudds Collection, which includes Mutant Mudds Deluxe, Mutant Mudds Super Challenge, and Mudd Blocks, is frequently on sale for around $1.50, so you won’t break the bank giving this a shot.

[Image Credit: MobyGames]

8. Sega Ages: Phantasy Star (Switch, 1987)

Truth be told, I haven’t finished this one, yet. Come on, give me a break—Phantasy Star is grind city and you know it. No self-respecting roleplaying game from the 80s would expect any less than hours upon hours of battles to earn a paltry sum of money and barely enough experience to reach the next level.

Actually, this being the Sega Ages version of Phantasy Star, the grind isn’t that bad. Enemies award much more gold and experience, making the gameplay more palatable and less time-consuming, especially for the modern dad gamer with serious time restraints. I remember trying to play the original version of Phantasy Star—I swear I put in ten hours of eking out fights against weak insects before I could go anywhere or do anything without getting pasted by the tougher monsters. It was…fun? But even then, as a teenager, I felt like I didn’t have the time to play it. The Sega Ages version also auto-maps the dungeons, which are winding labyrinths navigated in first-person view. These dungeons are almost inescapable without drawing a map (or looking one up online), so the auto-mapping is a treasure beyond any actual loot found in the mazes.

Phantasy Star has that certain anime-influenced sci-fi/fantasy setting that I like, combining swords and robots, plus some space travel and magic and cool vehicles, too. There’s something about sci-fi RPGs that tickles me just right, but I honestly haven’t played that many of them. But, based on what I’ve seen from Phantasy Star thus far, I definitely want to finish it and check out its sequels, which have flown under my radar for too long.

[Image Credit: MobyGames]

7. Balloon Fight (NES, 1986)

Like Adventures of Lolo, Balloon Fight is another NES game that can be found on Nintendo Switch Online. It, too, was programmed by Satoru Iwata. At its core, it’s a Joust clone, but that’s not a bad thing! Balloon Fight sets itself apart from its inspiration with its own nuances and unique qualities. The goal remains the same: knock your opponents out of the sky, then boot them off the screen for points. In this case, knocking them out of the sky involves popping their balloons, rather than dismounting them from flying ostriches. Lightning hazards in the clouds and giant, creepy fish that will attempt to drag low-flying balloon fighters into the water keep the dogfights unpredictable and plenty dangerous. An alternate, single-player-only game mode called Balloon Trip, in which the player must dodge sparks of lightning and grab as many balloons as possible for a high score, adds some depth and variety to the already fun gameplay.

The best part of Balloon Fight, of course, is the 2-player mode, which I played a lot with my brother thanks to the magic of Nintendo Switch Online. Well, it was magical so long as my questionable internet connection didn’t drag down the fun via immense lag. The Switch Online service might also be partly to blame, as it had its own connectivity issues from time to time. However, as long as the gameplay was smooth, playing online with Craig was a blast!

[Image Credit: Giant Bomb]

6. The Legend of Zelda: Oracle of Seasons (Game Boy Color, 2001)

My seemingly unending campaign to complete all the Legend of Zelda games (well, almost all of them) continued in 2019 with Oracle of Seasons. I completed its companion game, Oracle of Ages, a few years back, and the two games can link up to one another in a few curious ways, provided you have the right peripherals to do so. I do not, but that’s okay! Also, I got a code for beating Oracle of Ages that I think I was supposed to put in before starting Oracle of Seasons, but I, a big dumb-dumb, failed to do that, so I won’t get the good ending. Whoops!

Anyway, seeing that this game is built on the Link’s Awakening engine, it’s pretty awesome by default. On top of that, there is a fun and fitting season-changing mechanic that solves a multitude of puzzles. The game’s antagonist throws the world’s seasons out of whack, so winter reigns one area, summer in another, and so on. But, Link has a wand he can use to change the seasons. So, if a big pile of snow blocks a cave entrance, Link can summon the power of seasons, change winter to spring, and now the cave is accessible. Naturally, the game is full of puzzles like these, but they all seemlogical and well placed, and make for a fun experience. The dungeons struck me as a little weak in this installment, but otherwise, I can’t complain. I haven’t finished this one just yet (shame of shames), but I’m far enough in that I can’t turn back.

[Image Credit: MobyGames]

5. Broforce (PC, 2015)

I must admit—it took some time for Broforce to grow on me. My brother bought this one for me so we could have another co-op adventure to play together, and at first, I just didn’t get it. It should have fit snugly in my wheelhouse, playing as a cavalcade of action movie icons—Rambo, the Terminator, good grief, even Timecop is here—shooting up guerillas, demons, aliens, and more. But, it wasn’t quite what I expected. For one, I figured I would be able to choose my character, but they are assigned randomly, which jarred me, at first. However, the more time put into Broforce, and the more rescues made, the more characters unlock, which makes things quite a bit more interesting. By the end of the game, we had unlocked dozens of action movie stars, so we were never sure what crazy character was going to fall under our control next. I thought it added excitement and anticipation to the game.

I also envisioned Contra-style, run-and-gun gameplay. You do run and gun, don’t get me wrong, but it’s much more destructive and strategic. The level layouts offer lots of towers and bunkers and twists and turns to navigate, and all of the environments are destructible, which worked to both our advantage and disadvantage. Shooting a box of explosives might quickly eliminate a room full of bad guys, but it might also create a chasm too wide to jump across. Planning is important, but the action is at times so intense that we could only do so much. Sometimes working hastily to get out of a jam created bigger problems. I feel like there’s sort of an allegory here for real life. Nah, surely not.

Anyway, with most of the characters unlocked, figuring out the game mechanics, and embracing the sheer absurdity of the premise, I was hooked by Broforce. It’s a love letter to action movies and television, and I suspect children of the 80s and 90s everywhere ought to be enamored with this one.

[Image Credit: MobyGames]

4. The Legend of Zelda: Link’s Awakening (Switch, 2019)

It’s probably been 20 years since I last played Link’s Awakening or Link’s Awakening DX, so the Switch remake of this Legend of Zelda classic arrived with fortuitous timing. Honestly, I beat it a little too quickly—I was shocked at how much I remembered from the original. Aside from that, I recommend the remake over the original. It improves the original formula in almost every way, from streamlined item-swapping, less verbose in-game instructions, to the addition of more secrets and collectibles. The fishing mini-game awards Link with more goodies and a more in-depth experience, too. Which, if you’re looking for a quick way into my heart, a good fishing mini-game is a viable way to do it.

I don’t have an official “Favorite Zelda Games” list, but Link’s Awakening is top-5 or 6 material. If you’ve never played the original or the DX version, or if even if you have, get yourself this remake and have a good time!

[Image Credit: MobyGames]

3. Castlevania III: Dracula’s Curse (NES, 1990)

Castlevania III features the ability to recruit one of three characters in Trevor Belmont’s quest to crush Dracula: Grant Danasty, a rogue; Sypha Belnades, a wizard; and Alucard, rebellious half-human son of Dracula. By pushing the select button, the player can switch between Trevor and his second, each with his or her own special abilities, strengths, and weaknesses. The downside is that only one character can accompany Trevor at any time. However, the good news is that this creates plenty of opportunity for replayability.

For the longest time, the only way I’d ever beaten Castlevania 3 was the Trevor/Sypha combo. I call it “easy mode,” as Sypha possesses strong magic spells that make many late-game boss fights a breeze. (Well, relatively speaking. This is Castlevania we’re talking about.) In 2018, I completed a solo run with just Trevor, and finally, last year, I completed the set by beating the game as Trevor/Grant and Trevor/Alucard. Any time I play Castlevania III, I’m tempted to just go the Sypha route, but beating the game with Grant and Alucard forced me to try some new things, play more strategically, master earning double and triple shots for subweapons, and otherwise stop using Sypha as a crutch. I hadn’t put this much time and effort into Castlevania 3 since I got it for my birthday all the way back in 1991 or 1992, and I had a great time exploring aspects of the game I’d largely ignored.

Depending on my mood, Castlevania III is my favorite NES game of all time. So why isn’t it number 1 on this list? Well, the simple answer is that my rankings aren’t an exact science. But, being among my favorites and thirty years old (yikes), It’s also a game I’ve played to death, so there are other games on this list that I was honestly more excited to play at this time in my life, despite the fact that, in the big picture, I probably don’t like them as much as Castlevania III. I hope that makes sense. If not, I’m sure the president of online video game rankings will be happy to kick me out of the guild.

[Image Credit: MobyGames]

2. Bloodstained: Curse of the Moon (Switch, 2018)

Speaking of Castlevania III, it’s only appropriate that Bloodstained: Curse of the Moon is on the same list—it draws heavy inspiration from Castlevania III, including 8-bit art style, stairs-based platforming, and four playable characters with distinct skill sets, advantages, and disadvantages. It seems quite a bit easier than Castlevania III, as well, but that is not unwelcome. The length of the game fit my life perfectly, branching paths criss cross each level, which may or may not be accessible depending on the characters at your disposal, and the player’s decisions throughout the game impact the ending and can unlock new game modes, as well. Everything feels well constructed and thought out, and the boss designs and music delight the senses.

Even though Curse of the Moon is highly derivative of something that already exists, and is also a companion piece to a much bigger game, Bloodstained: Ritual of the Night, it still manages to create and settle in to its own identity. It’s a standalone experience from Ritual of the Night, and since I haven’t played that game, yet, I can tell you that Curse of the Moon is worth your attention on its own.

1. AD&D: Pools of Darkness (PC, 1991)

Well, I did write an entire blog series about Pools of Darkness, so I would hope it finished number 1.

Here’s the thing about Pools of Darkness. It’s not the best RPG of all time. Heck, I don’t even know if it’s the best game in the series to which it belongs. It is, however, the end of a long journey. As the final game of a 4-part epic, Pools of Darkness brings closure to a heavy sum of unbelievable adventures taken on by a small party of “heroes” introduced as level-1 scrubs in Pool of Radiance, barely surviving encounters with kobolds and drunks in the tavern. Their adventures continue in Curse of the Azure Bonds and Secret of the Silver Blades as the party strives against more and more impossible odds, piling up victories against dragons and giants and other terrific horrors. By the end of Pools of Darkness, our once-novice heroes, now pushing level 40, can level entire armies—which they’ll have to do, as the evil god Bane goes all-in on a final attempt to eliminate them and rule the Forgotten Realms forever. The series offers the remarkable ability to transfer the same party of adventurers from game to game, forging a true bond between player and avatars as they carry on through four huge adventures. By the time the dust settled and Pools of Darkness lay defeated, I felt a genuine (and honestly a little weird) pride in my party, and happiness for them because they could finally retire. Not many games come to mind that have left me with that kind of feeling. Final Fantasy VI, perhaps. But I can’t think of much else.

Oh, the gameplay is good, too. I guess that’s worth mentioning. The immersive story spans the entire Moonsea region, the strategic combat never stops being fun, and the roleplaying, while not dripping with consequences, kept me engaged and thoughtful of my actions. Plus, after owning the game for 26 years or whatever, it felt great to finally finish it.

My Top 10 Games of the Decade - 2010-2019

Thu, 16 Jan 2020 00:00:00 -0600

I’ve spent the last few years recapping my ten favorite games of the year. These lists are fun to assemble, even though I usually don’t get them out until well into the new year, and most of the games on them tend to be over 20 years old.

This list, however, is a little different. This time, I’ll be covering my ten favorite games of the decade. It’s still well into the new year, however, so that aspect of the list has stayed the same.

Now, listen. I play a lot of old games, so to tell the truth, I haven’t played a lot of games from 2010-2019, especially if they aren’t Nintendo games or indie games (or remakes/HD remasters/compilations of older games, which don’t count). Your favorite games from the last decade, or what you feel are the most thought-provoking, intellectual, or important, aren’t on this list. There’s no Dark Souls, no Undertale, no Papers Please, and no The Last of Us. Don’t get discouraged! I don’t think they’re bad or unimportant. I simply haven’t played them. But, this is the best of the best of what I have played, and even though I’m not actually qualified to put this sort of list together based on the quantity of games played, I’m still doing it because it sounded like fun. Let’s get started!

[Image Credit: Kerberos Productions]

Honorable Mention: Sword of the Stars: The Pit (2013)

This decade introduced me to a genre of game known as the Roguelike, in which players have one shot to make it through an entire, procedurally generated game. Death is permanent. If you blow it, it’s back to the beginning. However, each attempt nets more knowledge of the game world, and some Roguelikes even allow certain upgrades and perks to carry over to ensuing attempts. Roguelikes have many similarities to classic arcade games, which is probably why I like them—the challenge of making it as far into a game as possible or as high of a score as possible on a single credit can be both fun and addictive, and the same is true of trying to finish a Roguelike.

Sword of the Stars: The Pit is both a Roguelike and a science fiction-themed dungeon crawler, which it turns out I wish I had more of in my life. Guiding a marine, scout, or engineer (and I think they added more classes in later updates) into an underground research facility to find the cure to a plague ravaging the homeworld, players must overcome scads of creatures, traps, and overly aggressive robots (of both the security and janitorial varieties) while equipping themselves with better and better armaments and armor along the way. Cooking and crafting recipes can also be learned, allowing the creation of better health restoration items and other helpful tchotchkes. Once learned, these recipes carry over throughout each attempted playthrough, so when I died in my first game, I could refer back to how I made that delectable space omelet in my second game, which was pretty handy. It’s a really hard game—I only made it to the bottom once, and that was on easy mode. However, the sheer volume of content, including both enemies and equipment, and the unstoppable urge to make it one floor deeper than last time, resulted in me sinking an unhealthy number of hours into SOTS: The Pit. Not recommended for highly addictive personalities or the criminally insane.

[Image Credit: Re-Logic]

10. Terraria (2011)

While I recognize the importance of Minecraft over the last decade, I gravitated toward Terraria, instead, no doubt because of its 2D, 16-bit aesthetic, where I have always been more comfortable. I was undeniably hyped when Terraria’s first trailer debuted with the promise of an open, sidescrolling world with immense caverns and multiple biomes to explore, endless treasures to unearth, and the ability to harvest resources and construct a base to call home and in which to store mountains of accumulated wealth and loot. It certainly delivered all of that, but I ultimately found myself losing interest over and over again. The first steps to establishing a base and exploring the surrounding area were intoxicating, but once I had a sizeable homestead and some decent equipment, I wanted to start over from the beginning. I have over 60 hours in the game, and that is spread across four or five new games. The mid to late game content never hooked me like the early game. Even though there were still many things to do, I felt directionless, which often happens to me in these sandbox-style games. On the other hand, the initial struggle of carving out a home in a grand new frontier never got old.

My attention struggles aside, Terraria is a game full of imagination, nearly endless content (good luck to those of you compelled to collect one of every item in the game, ’cus you’ll be at it for a while here), and a good mix of things to do, including building, fighting, digging, exploring, and more. Plus, I think new content still gets released from time to time, and it’s available on every modern console, so it’s never too late to pick this one up.

[Image Credit: Blizzard Entertainment]

9. Diablo 3 (2012)

Diablo 3 was the co-op experience of the decade for my wife and me. I think we played through it and the Reaper of Souls expansion twice, possibly three times. Thrashing evil just never gets old for us, especially as a team. We had Diablo 3 on Xbox 360, and they stopped supporting that version of the game just a couple of years after we got it, which was a disappointment. However, I gave the Nintendo Switch version to Amanda for Christmas this year, and she’s already plowing through the undead and demon hordes once again, this time with the full benefit of all the updates we missed on the 360 version.

I like Diablo 3 a lot, but with this type of game, I tend to get into the weeds with regards to inventory management and trying to determine which items have the best stats, all the way down to the single-digits. In the late game, where we were inflicting tens of thousands of points of damage with each attack, that hardly seemed like it mattered, so I’ve tried to be a little less particular about it in more recent years. Still, it’s part of the experience to put together the best character possible and look cool doing it, so there will always be a place for taking way too much time here and there noodling with equipment.

[Image Credit: Blizzard Entertainment]

8. Starcraft 2 (2010)

I spent a lot of time trying to convince myself and others that I was a good competitive Starcraft player. I never was. Turns out, this was also true of Starcraft 2, where I was soundly pulverized by large quantities of Terran Siege Tanks, Zerg Banelings, and Protoss Stalkers in almost every match and never made it out of the Bronze division. Luckily, there is also an engaging and highly replayable single-player campaign, complete with branching paths and tech upgrades, actions with consequences, fun strategy gameplay, amazing art direction, and compelling characters, all in a lived-in, well developed universe. And, to be perfectly honest, I haven’t even touched the Heart of the Swarm or Legacy of the Void campaigns, yet. Despite that, I feel like the amount of content, even dismissing the competitive multiplayer aspect, is staggering. I can go back to this game at any time and still have a mountain of things to do. It’s a good feeling.

[Image Credit: Almost Human Games]

7. Legend of Grimrock (2012)

Legend of Grimrock is not a horror game, by definition, but it might as well be. It was the scariest game I played in the last decade, but also one of the best. It’s a first-person dungeon crawler in which a party of four stalwart, honorable adventurers stand accused of a crime they didn’t commit, and are taken to the top of the towering Mount Grimrock and dumped inside like common trash. The mountain houses an enormous, twisting dungeon, constructed by an ancient civilization for unknown reasons. The king has taken an interest in this dungeon, and will award freedom to any prisoners who can learn the origins and purpose of the dungeon and escape with their lives intact.

Of course, that’s where the game starts, and where things get complicated. Not only must the adventurers endure the traps, puzzles, and monsters prone to any dungeon, they must do so with extremely limited inventory space that must be kept well stocked with torches so the party can see, food so the party doesn’t starve, potions and potion ingredients to give the party a quick health or mana boost in a pinch, and other survival/dungeon traversement gear like maps and keys. Not to mention the party will also need some weapons and armor to stand a chance against the monsters. The game demands practicality when managing inventory space—there is almost no room for trinkets, let alone a spare weapon or piece of armor. It creates a tough juggling act that adds to the stress of surviving the dungeon.

Speaking of stress, the atmosphere is what makes Legend of Grimrock. Twisting hallways, sputtering torches, and eerie shadows all contribute to the fear factor of the dungeon. Not only that, the party can often hear the growls and shuffling of monsters in nearby rooms and corridors, creating more dread and apprehension of what awaits around the next corner. It’s a truly immersive experience, and as much a survival horror game as it is a dungeon crawler. Take your anxiety meds.

[Image Credit: ConcernedApe, LLC]

6. Stardew Valley (2016)

I covered Stardew Valley in my Top 10 Games of “2018” list last year, where it finished in the top spot. This is also where I dubbed it, “Every Hallmark Channel Movie: The Game.” That’s not a knock—if there is any game in existence that makes me feel unabashedly warm and good and pure, it’s Stardew Valley. I get to farm, mine, help my community, woo one of the young single ladies of Pelican Town, and solve the mysteries of the valley. Other than trying to get my farmer to bed on time every night and remembering to water my crops, there’s not a lot of pressure or challenge. It’s a positive, relaxing experience. Except that no matter how many chests I put in my house, I never seem to have enough room for stuff. And I’d love to decorate my house some more, but my crops require too much attention. And I’d love to dive deeper into the dungeons, but there just doesn’t seem to be enough time in the day. Okay, maybe this game isn’t as relaxing as I thought.

I never played a Harvest Moon game, which is the series from which Stardew Valley draws much of its inspiration. However, I was a Sim Farm player (shout-outs to my junior high computer science class chums for introducing me to that gem, on a 3.5-inch floppy, no less), and Stardew Valley’s farming aspect is, in many ways, a streamlined, less serious, less realistic, but far more enjoyable version of that. The farming is the part of the game I like the most, but Stardew Valley is also a pleasantly competent dating sim, dungeon crawler, and adventure game. I can’t recommend it enough.

[Image Credit: Thomas Happ Games, LLC]

5. Axiom Verge (2015)

Exploratory Sidescrollers (or Metroidvanias, or whatever you wish to call them)—games similar to Metroid, Castlevania: Symphony of the Night, and so on—saw a huge resurgence in the last decade, especially in the indie space. I played a lot of them, and I like pretty much all of them, but Axiom Verge emerged as my favorite from the 2010s. It perfectly captures the lonely, cavernous, sci-fi atmosphere that I love from the original Metroid, controls like a combination of Contra and Blaster Master, and has a soundtrack worth a purchase of its own. It also includes a fun and intriguing “glitch ray” gimmick that can be used to the player’s advantage, such as glitching out floating enemies to turn them into platforms, or glitching out certain blocks to make them breakable, among a multitude of other uses. There are even optional glitch worlds, an homage (I think) to the “secret worlds” in the original Metroid, where the enemies and environments do not behave or appear as they normally would. I only found one glitch world, but I suppose that gives me plenty of incentive to play again and find more. Progressing far into the game, however, reveals an intricate story that goes well beyond glitches.

I think the only thing that hurt Axiom Verge—and this is my own fault—is that I was so hyped up for its release that I made it impossible for the game to live up to my expectations for it. I learned about it in 2012, and the first trailer I saw excited me beyond rational thought. It looked like Metroid, but if late 80s to early 90s-era Tecmo or KID or Natsume had made it instead of Nintendo, which was a curious proposition. I was hooked. I lived in anticipation for the next three years, and when I finally got to play it, Axiom Verge was still an amazing game, but it wasn’t quite what I envisioned or built it up to be. I’ve since tried to temper my expectations for very exciting future releases so I don’t sabotage my own enjoyment of them. Nevertheless, Axiom Verge is an extraordinary outing by its sole developer, Thomas Happ, and it is among the best, if not the best, of the 2010s Metroidvanias.

[Image Credit: Nintendo]

4. Super Mario 3D World (2013)

When Super Mario 3D World appeared in my Top 10 Games of “2017” list, I mentioned that it was what I always envisioned a 3D Mario game to be. Both it and its 3DS counterpart, Super Mario 3D Land, strongly capture the classic Mario trappings: lots of bricks and question mark blocks to break, goombas to stomp, pipes to traverse, fire flowers and super leafs, platforming challenges, and so on. I think the Super Mario Galaxy games (and what little I’ve seen of Super Mario Odyssey, thus far) are all fantastic in their own right, but they don’t have the pure “feel” of a Mario game the same way 3D Land and 3D World do. Honestly, there are even some things that I think Super Mario 3D Land does better than 3D World—it’s a more focused and streamlined experience for gaming on the go, and if I’m remembering correctly, feels even more like a classic sidescrolling Mario (but in 3D!!!!!) than its follow-up. However, 3D World includes Peach and Toad (my favorite) as playable characters, supports 4-player co-op, and has a sprawling world map full of secrets, a sweeping variety of clever levels and locales, and unexpected twists and turns. The Boomerang Suit harkens back to the Hammer Bros. Suit, my favorite power-up from Super Mario 3, so it was a welcome addition. 3D World achieves a perfect mix of nostalgia and fresh ideas.

Plus, I would be doing 3D World a grave disservice if I didn’t mention the overwhelming volume of secrets and unlockables. Every time I thought the game was over, whoops! Here’s another world to explore! Oh, not enough incentive to collect all the stars and stamps? Here’s something that might interest you…if you collect them ALL! I kept revisiting the game every couple of months for a period of at least a year to wrap up more content, and I still haven’t quite finished everything. It’s too bad this epic was on the Wii U—it simply didn’t get the attention it deserves. The last I checked, the rumors of a Switch rerelease were ramping up again, so maybe it will get more exposure one of these days.

[Image Credit: Yacht Club Games]

3. Shovel Knight (2014)

Shovel Knight combines a remarkably dumb premise (a knight who fights evil with a shovel to save his partner from a cursed amulet) with remarkably stellar gameplay, resulting in one of the finest 2D platformers of all time. See? It’s okay for a game to not take itself too seriously. To be honest, it’s not that far off from other, similar combinations that also saw much success, such as “plumber stomps walking mushrooms to death to rescue princess kidnapped by giant turtle,” “dude with whip fights classic horror movie monsters led by Dracula,” and “teenager chases pet frog into pit and finds super-powered tank that he uses to battle radioactive underworld.” I could go on. Are video games art? Yes. The finest.

Anyway, Shovel Knight being one of the finest 2D platformers of all time is not a bit—it’s the real deal. The controls are tight. The level designs introduce the player to Shovel Knight’s abilities, then gradually demand a mastery of them. The secrets are fun to discover, but aren’t presented in such a way that I feel like I’m really missing out if I don’t find them all right now. I spent money to buy the soundtrack apart from the game, so I gotta figure it’s pretty good. The villains, dubbed “The Order of No Quarter,” are well themed and designed, from Plague Knight to Tinker Knight to that weirdo who runs the hat shop. Plus, the “dumb premise” doesn’t just apply to Shovel Knight, himself—every character in this game is an overexagerration, a parody, and a hoot. If there ever needed to be proof that a video game could not only be fun and technically sound, but also succeed at being funny and absurd, this is it. Shovel Knight captures the pure fun of video games like few other games of the decade, so don’t bury it at the bottom of your backlog.

Image Credit: Mossmouth, LLC

2. Spelunky (2012)

Ah, Spelunky would be the other Roguelike besides Sword of the Stars: The Pit that grabbed and throttled me by my pixelated lapels this decade. I mentioned above that Roguelikes have a classic arcade-like quality to them, and I think that’s how Spelunky got its hooks into me. It’s a temple-dive through traps and hazards galore for riches beyond imagining, and it’s a short enough game that one could theoretically see the end within a half an hour or so, but the chances of reaching the end are so low that I could never help but play “just one more game” before bed. This is the same behavior I exhibit when exposed to Donkey Kong, Pac-Man, Q*Bert, and many other arcade favorites. Naturally, just one more game almost always turned into just four more games, and well, I saw 2 or 3am a lot for a few months there after purchasing Spelunky. This game drove my wife nuts—she hates the music and obviously wasn’t too thrilled with me staying up so late so often trying to beat it. I only saw the ending twice, and I have never reached the “true” ending (hint, hint), so even after all these years, the replay value is still there.

Spelunky is a game in which, with just one wrong move or one freak chain of events, complete control and confidence can dissolve into complete chaos. Even with a surplus of health, a sack full of bombs, and maybe even a shotgun and some climbing boots, it wouldn’t matter. Whoops. A misplaced bomb knocked me into a dart trap, which then knocked me into a pit of spikes. Game over. Or the blast from an exploding frog hurled me into the path of a boomerang-wielding tribesman. Game over. In the Ice area, a UFO shot a laser at me, but hit something explosive, which then made the UFO crash into me, which then sent me flying into the arms of a waiting yeti, who promptly threw me over the side, into a bottomless pit. Game over. You can’t make this stuff up. No matter how good I ever felt about how I was playing, I knew death could come at any time, and that I’d have little control over it when it did. In a certain, morbid sense, I feel like there’s sort of an allegory here for real life. Nah, surely not.

Absurd deaths aside, Spelunky is an absolute joy. It’s well crafted, highly addictive, and a different experience each time. And hey, when you get that first win after 250 consecutive game-overs, you’ll know all the lack of sleep was worth it.

[Image Credit: Nintendo]

1. The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild (2017)

Like I said, I haven’t played many games from this decade, so maybe some other games do some of the same things The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild does, and I just don’t know it. However, of any game I have played this decade, or maybe any decade, Breath of the Wild has felt the most…organic? The most authentic? It’s a game without facsimile. It actually feels like going outside to play and explore. For instance, if Link approaches a grove of trees, he can interact with each one of those trees independently of one another. Another game might take that same grove of trees and treat it as a single object that the player can neither interact with nor penetrate. Or, take the mountains. Link can climb to the top of any of them, permitted he can find a way and has enough stamina. In other games, the tops of the same mountains might be cut off by an invisible ceiling, their summits left to mystery because they don’t actually have anything to do with the scope or story. Because Breath of the Wild is free from such invisible gates and imaginary boundaries, it encourages exploration and futzing around more so than maybe any game I’ve ever played. It helps that it released right around the same time I rediscovered an interest in hiking, so exploring Hyrule offered some certain parallels to what interested me in my real life at the time.

It was nice to simply get lost for a while. So many other games push players along to the next objective or the next cutscene. In Breath of the Wild, however, there was always another peculiar mountain or ruin or something on the horizon to pique my interest and encourage me to keep exploring. I knew the main quest wasn’t going anywhere, and why save the world now when I could go check out that cave over there that probably just has a chest with ten arrows in it? Hey, I might need those! I will admit that I got a little too impatient with finding all the shrines and may have consulted some hints on where to find some of the more obscure ones. Luckily, by the time I play the game again, I won’t remember where any of them are, and it will be a brand new experience. I’m getting excited already!

As always, thanks for reading!

My Top 10 Games of “2018”

Fri, 24 May 2019 00:00:00 -0500

With 2018 being my first full year as a father, the value of shorter games that I could play to completion in just a few hours became greater than ever. While binging a 5-10 hour game over a weekend is a perfectly cromulent option, I only have 45 minutes to an hour to play games, most days. That being said, I can drag a 5-10 hour game out for a week or two and perceive what most would consider a short game as a full, meaty experience. Naturally, you’re going to see a nice variety of these shorter games in this year’s top 10. They are the perfect length for my current lifestyle, seeing as I rarely finish a game thinking, “What? That’s it?”

However, I also filled a good portion of my 2018 gaming time with some lengthy roleplaying affairs. I have to approach games like this as a long-term commitment that might take six months or more, and to be prepared to take numerous breaks from them in order to enjoy a shorter experience along the way. A couple of these games captured enough of my imagination and attention to make the list, however.

This write-up took much longer to compile than usual—waiting five months later than usual to wrap it up and allowing my memories of these games to deteriorate didn’t help. So, what made the list in 2018? I better hurry up and tell you before I forget everything!

As always, the games on this list didn’t have to be released in 2018 (hence the quotation marks in the title), just that I either beat them or played the majority of them in 2018.

Honorable Mention: Shock Troopers (PC, 1997)

Shock Troopers has become one of mine and my brother’s go-to games to play online together, especially when we waste half an hour trying in vain to get other games to work, and then we’re in a rush to play anything before we both have to go to bed. Shock Troopers is quick, run and gun Neo-Geo arcade action with a lot of worthwhile features that set it apart from other military shooters from its era. You can choose from eight(!) playable characters, each with their own unique appearance and special attack, such as Southern Cross and his boomerang bombs, or Big Mama and her rocket launcher. Each character also has a unique vignette during the ending. There are three paths to take, each with its own levels and challenges. If enemies get too close to you, when you hit the fire button, your character will automatically pull out a knife and stab them, rather than shoot them, which I thought was a nice touch, if not a bit graphic. Usually they will drop a gem or something valuable when this happens, as well. Anyway, the music and presentation are great, the story is ludicrous, and it’s a good time. It’s exactly what a game should be.

10. Torchlight 2 (PC, 2012)

Torchlight is the franchise that I play when I need more Diablo games faster than Blizzard can produce Diablo games (which is not very fast). I loved the original Torchlight, and the sequel was good, too. It added online play, which means I can play it online with Craig, and we did just that in 2018. There are lots of parallels between the first two Torchlights and the first two Diablos. For instance, in each franchise, the first game focuses on a single, deep dungeon under a town plagued by evil, while the sequel is a world-traveling adventure chasing down the gone-evil protagonist of the first game, with more character classes, a lot more wide-open spaces in outdoor settings, and numerous smaller dungeons to tackle along the way. These games are great fun, but I tend to get bogged down by inventory management and waste too much time comparing items that are too similar to one another, trying to decide which to equip. Hmm, use this sword that’s +1 to strength and 14-18 damage, or this sword that’s +2 to strength and 12-16 damage? Ugh. After a while, I stopped switching items unless a new one was significantly better than the old one. It took too much away from the focus of Torchlight 2: slaughtering evil. And believe me, there’s plenty of evil to go around, so get to slaughtering.

9. Double Dragon IV (PC, 2017)

I’ll admit it. When it comes to ~~Bimmy~~ Billy and Jimmy Lee waging war on underground martial arts organizations in a world that’s so post-apocalyptic that some of the Abobos have green skin, I just can’t get enough, and Double Dragon IV scratched my beat ’em up itch with the fury of a Spinning Dragon Kick.

This is kind of a weird installment in the series in that it borrows sprites from Double Dragons 1 and 2 on NES and throws them into newly designed locales. Many detractors criticized this design choice. As a whole, it’s true that the elements don’t exactly fit together seamlessly, but the game is so much fun that it doesn’t really matter. Plus, the classic sprites bring back a lot of fond memories of the NES games, which are far more interesting and playable than their arcade counterparts.

However, unlike the NES games, Double Dragon IV supports far more enemies on the screen at a time, which makes for some tough skirmishes. It was always a little disheartening to find myself on my back with five or six enemies surrounding me, waiting for me to get back up so they could beat me up some more! Luckily, the game offers some “recovery” super moves, like a jumping knee, that allow for some crowd control as I got back on my feet, so I was still never in a hopeless situation. Plus, more enemies means more punching bags!

I think my favorite part about Double Dragon IV is that it’s a “console beat-em-up” that limits your lives and continues. I like this because you can’t just feed the game quarters until you win. That’s fun, too, especially in the cooperative setting, but a console beat-em-up forces me to get better and try new things, getting progressively farther and farther into the game each time I play, until I finally do things right and finish it. It’s a slow burn to victory. That being said, I wasn’t fond of the fact that there is no option for online co-op, which means I can’t conveniently play it with Craig, but that’s my only gripe. Overall, it’s a great callback to the NES games, and offers a quick option to beat up a lot of jerks when I need to.

8. Oniken (PC, 2012)

Another retro-inspired game, Oniken is a sidescrolling action platformer in which Zaku and a band of resistance fighters battle against an overwhelming robot legion known as The Oniken. The gameplay feels a lot like Ninja Gaiden III or Kabuki Quantum Fighter, but the look of the game reminds of me of late-era NES games produced by KID or Natsume—stuff like G.I. Joe, Kickmaster, and Power Blade.

If this game was created to intentionally harken back to some of the NES’s most difficult challenges, it succeeds in a big way. The platforming and enemy placements make for a daunting experience, and each level includes a climactic moment that really put my skills to the test, such as being chased by a robotic polar bear while riding a speeder bike, or outrunning a fire rising below me through a vertical corridor, or a fight with a bunch of bounty hunters on top of a moving supply train. It’s 80s to the core, from its outrageous plot and characters to its level of difficulty. Fortunately, saving is allowed at the end of each level, so when I had to stop and go to bed or console a crying baby, I didn’t have to replay the entire game to get back to where I was, an ability I would have killed for (or maybe at least would have done a lot of household chores for) in the NES era.

Oniken is brief, but includes a number of additional challenges like hardcore mode and boss rush mode, so there is still plenty to see and do. It didn’t quite capture my attention the way another game from developer Joymasher did in 2018 (see #3), but I can still highly recommend it to the retro enthusiast.

7. Cat Quest (Switch, 2017)

An action RPG featuring anthropomorphic cats up against dragons and a powerful cat wizard, tons of equipment and sidequests and secrets, and arguably more cat puns than every cat meme on the internet combined. CATS!

The character and enemy designs are cute and fun, the action is straightforward, and moving your character around and fighting on a literal world map, complete with location labels, boundary lines, and more, felt unique and added to the aesthetic in a big way. I’m already a geek for maps, so getting to play out an action RPG adventure on one was so enjoyable. The bite-sized quests allowed me to play for either 15 minutes or a couple of hours at a time and still have fun and make progress, which is a perfect fit for my lifestyle.

Not much else to say. If you like cats and action RPGs, it’s worth your time.

6. Arcade Archives: Donkey Kong (Switch, 1981)

Donkey Kong has to be my favorite arcade game of all time. It’s in a close running with Ms. Pac-Man, Robotron: 2084, Frogger, and many others in terms of fun, but I’ve put more hours of study, research, and strategy into Donkey Kong than any other arcade game, so it’s on another level altogether. When Broussard’s in Cape Girardeau was still in their old location, they had a Donkey Kong machine with a finicky joystick tucked away in one of their back rooms, and I was playing it a lot right around the same time the documentary, King of Kong, came out on DVD, which I foolishly went out and bought during an ice storm. My interest was further piqued by the film, and even though I’m not even a fraction as good as Billy Mitchell, Steve Wiebe, or any of the other masters who have come along in the wake of King of Kong, I still occasionally get obsessed with Donkey Kong and dump quarters into the nearest machine I can find.

The only problem has always been that a true arcade port of Donkey Kong has never been available on home consoles. Our Atari 2600 version we had growing up was highly compromised, and the NES version was missing the “pie factory” level. The Arcade Archives release on Switch was a dream come true. Finally, I can play authentic Donkey Kong from my own home, with all levels intact, without using an emulator. And yep, it’s still Donkey Kong, I still get buried by barrels and fried by fireballs each time I play, and I still love it. Playing the game with a Flip Grip makes for an even more authentic experience!

5. Wonder Boy: The Dragon’s Trap (Switch, 2017)

You may recall Wonder Boy in Monster World on Sega Genesis from my Top 10 Games of “2017” post. It was the first time I dove deep into a Wonder Boy game, and I came away with a thirst for more. Wonder Boy: The Dragon’s Trap is one of its predecessors from the Sega Master System, and was recently re-released with a tremendous visual overhaul. It’s still the original game, but with a fresh coat of hand-drawn art. You can hit a single button to switch between the original graphics and the updated graphics, but I don’t know why you would—the gorgeous hand-drawn visuals take the already attractive and fun Monster World aesthetic to a new level. I love the character and monster designs, and now they are even better.

Your character spends nearly the entirety of the game trapped in various animal forms, a curse put on him (or her—you can choose your gender at the outset) in the game’s prologue by a dragon adversary (hence “The Dragon’s Trap” moniker). Each animal form has its own pros and cons, and allows for exploration into certain areas. The bird form can fly, for instance, and therefore can explore in the sky. The mouse form can fit into cramped spaces. You get the gist. Later, an item is earned that allows you to switch between animal forms, at will, and that’s when the game really opens up. The game world is the perfect scope. It’s not too compact, but not too sprawling, either. It was another 5-10 hour romp that fit well into my schedule, and I was able to finish it without it feeling too long and before I could lose interest.

The Dragon’s Trap is not too tough, either. During boss fights, I didn’t even have to bother with pattern recognition; I was always able to just wail on them faster than they could wail on me, which was a little disappointing. Much of the rest of the game world provided sufficient platforming and combat challenges, however. There are some pretty obtuse secrets, as well, including several spots where you simply push up in the right spot to find a hidden door, with minimal clues pointing you in the right direction. But, being just a re-skin of the original, this is to be expected. All that being said, the positives far outweigh the negatives, and my great experience with The Dragon’s Trap surely means more Wonder Boy games in my future.

4. Blaster Master Zero (Switch, 2017)

Among all my favorite NES games, the original Blaster Master is the only one I have never been able to finish without rampant cheating. It is a great game, full of bizarre locations and enemies, catchy music, and cool technology like a tank that drives on walls and jumps. It jumps! It’s too bad the difficulty level is utterly unforgiving, to the point of controller-throwing, sofa-smashing, and really poor attempts at creative swearing.

Fortunately, a remake from developer Inti Creates rights many of the original’s wrongs, and while it doesn’t quite recapture the quality of music and some of the imagination of its NES counterpart, it’s still the superior game, and came as a welcome change from the no-holds-barred original.

Never heard of Blaster Master? I’ll summarize: teenage boy’s pet frog turns radioactive and runs away, so teenage boy hops in a giant future tank he finds in his backyard and mows through an underworld of freakish enemies to rescue his frog and, oh yeah, save the world along the way. A fairly relatable concept, don’t you think? Happens to me all the time. There are also areas that Jason, the teenage boy, must explore on foot, and these areas are almost always far more dangerous than the tank sequences, resulting in a cool juxtaposition between your power with the tank, and your vulnerability without.

Like I said earlier, the music is not quite as good as the original, and some of the settings are a bit less imaginative (the crazy underground castle in Area 2, for instance, is now a boring residential area), but otherwise, I think the remake is an improvement in every way. There are more weapons, including some with helpful secondary uses (the flamethrower melts slippery ice) that keeps the adventure interesting and encourages experimentation. It looks fantastic, recaptures the adventurous spirit of the original, is just the right length, and is far more forgiving. It even canonizes some elements from the extremely corny novelization of Blaster Master by F.X. Nine, which is super dumb, but super fun. There are even multiple endings, and let me tell you, you’ll know if you get the bad one.

3. Odallus: The Dark Call (PC, 2015)

I don’t know about anybody else, but any time I see “Odallus,” I think of former Los Angeles Dodgers pitcher, Odalis Pérez.

I’ve seen Odallus compared to Castlevania on a number of occasions. In fact, developer Joymasher even lists Castlevania among its influences in the creation of Odallus. And aesthetically, that’s true. If NES-era Tecmo or Natsume made Castlevania, it would probably look something like this. And yes, there are subweapons and the occasional wall meat and a “vampire killer” alternate outfit for the hero, so the homages are there, as well. But, other than maybe Super Castlevania IV, that’s where the comparison ended for me. Gameplay-wise, Odallus seemed much faster and more fluid than Castlevania. It apparently plays much like Demon’s Crest on Super Nintendo, which I haven’t played (yet), so I’ll take everybody’s word for it.

In any case, Odallus is an immersive, but dark and brooding experience that I had a lot of trouble putting down once I got started. The setting is gothic and macabre, where everything is dying or undead, in ruins, and all of the statues look like half-decomposed corpse versions of great heroes. Some areas even seem to pulse with living evil. The music is equally foreboding, and playing this game gave me a true sense of despair. Not enough to make me quit playing, though–just enough to make me feel protagonist Haggis’s pain and want to avenge his burned village and rescue his son from an army of demons.

This is one of those action games in which running in without a plan is a death sentence. It encourages patience and strategic thinking. There is also some light puzzle-solving, and each level is big and has many nooks and crannies to explore and hidden upgrades to unearth, but both of these features are well balanced with the action. You can also return to levels you’ve already explored to fish out any secrets you may have missed, and the map screen between levels tells you how many secrets you’ve found in each one (and how many are remaining), which makes backtracking and exploration far less tedious.

Again, Odallus was the perfect length–about five or six hours. This appears to really be the target completion time for me, these days. I can make a game that length last a good 10-14 days, which is long enough to be engrossing, yet short enough that it never feels like the game is starting to drag.

2. Earthbound (Super Nintendo via Wii U Virtual Console, 1995)

Despite taking me eight months to finish (this is why those 5-10 hour games are capturing my attention much more often than lengthy RPGs, these days), and despite its age, Earthbound did some things I wasn’t expecting and, frankly, have never seen before in a video game. With regards to gameplay, it is a standard RPG of its time, complete with clunky inventory management and other annoying limitations of its era. Everything else, however, is golden.

I was moved by the story in a way a video game story hasn’t affected me in a long time. Here’s the thing about Earthbound: it’s up to the kids to save the world because the adults are too wrapped up in their own problems. Yes, Ness technically falls into a “chosen one” sort of trope, so it is ultimately up to him, anyway, but aside from a handful of especially involved adults, the rest are either driven to aggressive behavior by Giygas’s influence, or too distracted by work or other responsibilities to even realize that Earth is in peril. Ness’s dad is gone on business through the whole game, and can only save your game and make bank deposits for you via phone calls. Calling Ness’s mom can relieve your homesickness, but otherwise, she’s taking care of the dog or watching soap operas. It’s like that with most of the adults.

This trend rekindled memories of me as a kid, in my own world dealing with my own problems, both real and imaginary, completely apart from my parents and other adults. How many troubling encounters did I have at school with other kids or fitness tests or teachers having bad days that I never told any adults about? How many times did I go on adventures outside, fighting imaginary adversaries with imaginary consequences? How many times were there health problems or money problems or so on going on that I was too young to understand or too timid to ask for more information about, but still internalized and worried over?

Yeah, none of those kid problems were as big as saving the world, but I felt like Ness and his crew were so relatable as I played through their adventure. Not only do they have to save the world, but they have to do it as kids, with innocence and limited knowledge of the world around them and on top of the other challenges they already have to face. That’s what made Earthbound such a compelling experience.

Earthbound does a lot of other things right, too. Leveling up enough in each area allows you to automatically win random encounters against much weaker foes. This is a fabulous innovation that I haven’t seen in many, if any, other RPGs, and I don’t know why. Rather than insulting your skill and making you fight battles you’re not going to lose, Earthbound doesn’t waste your time. It assumes your party will smear weaker enemies and doesn’t even bother making you fight them. There are great applications of contemporary real-life items (bottle rockets and frying pans as weapons, protein drinks and Cup of Noodles as recovery items) that fit the mood and setting of the game, and lots of creative dialogue and humor. Plus, there’s an amazing cast of characters like Dungeon Man (a man who is…well, also a dungeon you have to fight through), bizarre enemies like Ramblin’ Evil Mushrooms, hippies, scalding cups of coffee, Master Belch (a literal pile of puke), and a bonkers final boss that has to be experienced firsthand.

It’s a completely ridiculous game, but poignant and heartfelt, too.

1. Stardew Valley (Switch, 2016)

I was really tempted to list Earthbound as my number one game, but I just couldn’t. Despite the emotional impact of Earthbound, no game sunk its pixelated teeth into me in 2018 quite like Stardew Valley. I don’t think I’ve played it since January of this year, and according to the monthly newsletter I get from Nintendo, it’s still listed as the game I’ve played the most in 2019, so I’m really shocked by just how many hours Stardew Valley drained away from my personal time that should have been spent writing blogs, probably.

Still, I must admit that I don’t feel too bad about it. During an otherwise stressful end to 2018, Stardew Valley provided a soothing experience at the end of each day. It was nice to play a game in which I didn’t have to save anybody or anything, or fight some terrible evil, or worry about inventory management or leveling up the right stats. All I really had to do was water my plants every day. Beyond that, I could farm, fish, mine, hang out with the townsfolk, and attempt to unravel the mysteries of the valley. Thus far, my play of Stardew Valley might as well be Every Hallmark Channel Movie: The Game. This is how it has gone:

Main character moves away from big city hustle and bustle
Takes over grandfather’s dilapidated farm near a small town and slowly restores it to its former glory
Gets to know the townsfolk and settles minor disputes between them
Does good deeds, starts fixing up the old community center
Is helpful to young people, the elderly, and local business
Gradually gains the acceptance of the townsfolk and cutely and innocently woos one of the womenfolk, despite some boneheaded misunderstandings along the way (like accidentally gifting her a piece of trash I caught in one of my crab traps)
There’s magic. Possibly Christmas magic.

I mean, I know some people who would watch that movie.

Anyway, the farming is fun on its own, but the RPG elements and the aforementioned mysteries surrounding the valley push the game into “one of my favorites in recent years” territory. It took me a season or two to develop a routine and arrange my farm and crops to be efficient, but once I had it figured out, I started reaping the benefits and was poised and ready to put the local Walmart out of business. 60 hours later, I…well, I’ve gotten a lot done, and I have a very pretty farm, but I know there is still a ton of content I haven’t touched. I just have to resist the urge to start a new game when I start playing again….

Thanks for reading! I hope it won’t take me five months to put together the inevitable Top 10 Video Games of “2019” post. Until next time!

Image Credits: MobyGames

My Top 10 Games of “2017”

Thu, 18 Jan 2018 00:00:00 -0600

You may recall my Top 10 Video Games of “2016” post from last year, which was a pretty easy list to assemble, considering I only finished ten games or so in 2016. But, as you may also recall from my year-in-review post from the beginning of this year, I beat over 20 games in 2017, almost all of which I thought were a lot of fun, so putting together a list of my 10 favorites was as anxiety-inducing as cutting people off a guest list. Despite these hard decisions, I am compelled to make my Top 10 Video Games of “20XX” list a tradition (unlike any other) on this No Good Blog!

Remember, the games on this list didn’t have to be released in 2017 (hence the quotation marks), just that I either beat them or played the majority of them in 2017. Because let’s be honest: I’m a filthy casual and don’t have the funds, time, deprivation of sleep, or hardcore gaming prowess necessary to play and finish ten new releases in a year. But, believe it or not, there might be a couple of 2017 games here. That’s right. Your ol’ pal Brian is teetering on the cutting edge of gaming.

[Image Credit: Giant Bomb]

Honorable Mention: Donkey Kong Country Returns (Wii, 2010)

Of all the games left off my top 10, Donkey Kong Country Returns is the one I felt the worst about cutting, so I’ll include it as this year’s honorable mention. It’s also worth mentioning that it was squeezed out of the top 10 by not one, but two other games in the Donkey Kong Country franchise, which I would like to believe lessens the blow just a bit. It has most of the same gameplay conventions as the SNES Donkey Kong Country games, is extremely pretty, and has lots of creative and demanding platforming. But somehow, it didn’t capture my attention as well as its predecessors. I think this one may have simply been too long, and the number of collectibles is much higher than in the SNES trilogy, so exhaustion set in by the time I got to the end. I still need to go back and get all the stuff I missed, of which there is a lot. This also reminds me that I need to get around to playing Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze, which is said to be an improvement on Returns in almost every way.

Nevertheless, if you are a fan of the DKC games, high-stress platforming, pretty games, or collect-a-thons, Donkey Kong Country Returns is worth a look.

[Image Credit: Nintendo]

10. Donkey Kong Country 2: Diddy’s Kong Quest (SNES, 1995)

I avoided this game for a long time because I was just too cool and “didn’t want to play as Donkey Kong’s dumb sidekicks.” Amanda, however, is a big fan and has championed the game since we met. I, a lovestruck fool, allowed my stance on the game to soften at her insistence, and when I found a copy for sale at Cape Comic Con (at a reasonable price, at that), I bought it mostly for her, but also so I could give it a shot. Begrudgingly, I will admit that not only is Diddy’s Kong Quest a fine game in its own right, I also found it superior to my beloved, original Donkey Kong Country. It’s a sequel that expands and improves upon the original formula. You know, what a sequel is supposed to do!

What does Diddy’s Kong Quest have going for it? The bosses are less repetitive, more interesting, and more challenging. Secret areas are better-placed and better hinted-at, and depend less on blind jumps into random bottomless pits. The music is better, even better than the wonderful score of the original, and more atmospheric, too. Finally, the addition of Dixie Kong and her propeller jump give her a decided advantage over Diddy Kong in some situations, while Diddy remains the go-to Kong in others. The only real difference between Donkey and Diddy in the first game was that Donkey was heavier. DKC 2 is a sequel done right.

[Image Credit: Polygon]

9. Mario + Rabbids: Kingdom Battle (Switch, 2017)

If there’s a single, definitive piece of evidence that I am an unabashed Nintendo homer and apologist, Mario + Rabbids: Kingdom Battle is it! Take the Rabbids, a franchise I have historically been lukewarm on, at best, and add Mario characters to it, and all of a sudden I’m on board! Disgusting.

But anyway, hey! This game is really good, and I’m not even into turn-based, tactical combat all that much. My friend Taylor let me borrow it, and I worked my way through it over the last three months or so. One of my favorite things about it is the variety of characters available (Rabbid Peach was apparently my favorite), and the fact that I found myself using them all almost equally. I’m notorious for only using a handful of characters over and over in games with a wide selection. Final Fantasy VI, for instance, has 14 playable characters or whatever. That’s a lot of people to maintain, which is why I always get to the end of the game with four level 50 characters, and the rest are all at level 20. Whoops! On the other hand, Mario + Rabbids is so well put-together that every character and skillset is useful in the right situation. It helps that all your characters level up at the same time, too, which eliminates the need to spend a bunch of hours grinding just to keep them all up to speed. Plus, the writing and comic relief are superb, and the story is full of references to the history and games of the Mario franchise. It was a delightful and surprising addition to my top 10.

[Image Credit: Capcom]

8. Mega Man 9 (Xbox 360, 2008)

2008 was such a big year for games that people like me are still trying to catch up. Then again, I’m still catching up on my games from 1991, so 2008 isn’t even on my radar, yet. But hey, there’s no better position to be in than having 27 years of good games to catch up on, so bring ’em on.

Mega Man 9 was the first new mainline Mega Man game in 12 years, and it was refreshing to see the game made in the classic Mega Man 2 style: no sliding, no Mega Buster. Just a basic, 8-bit fighting robot who has to earn everything he gets by defeating robot masters. It’s not quite on the level of Mega Man 2 or 3, but its creative level design (Hornet Man’s plant aesthetic sticks out, in particular) and fresh weapon ideas (the Hornet Chaser, Concrete Shot, and Black Hole Bomb are out-of-the-box weapons with many interesting uses) put it at least on the level of 4, 5, and 6, and probably make 9 even a bit better than certain sections of those games.

My one critique? Mega Man 9 may actually be a bit too hardcore in delivering an authentic, old-school gaming experience, as it even requires you to enter the pause menu to change weapons, rather than allowing use of the shoulder buttons to quickly cycle through weapons, which was introduced in Mega Man X, I think. There’s also no saving allowed within Dr. Wily’s castle—if you quit mid-castle, you are taken back to the beginning and must replay the entire castle, much like in the NES Mega Man installments. I appreciate the attempt at creating such a classic experience, but since we have modern amenities like shoulder buttons and saving, I don’t see any harm in implementing such time-saving features in a retro-styled game. I got a job! I got kids! (Well, a kid.) I’m much more interested in seeing the end of my games than re-capturing that “NES-hard” frustration.

Most importantly, Mega Man 9 scratched that classic Mega Man itch nagging me since 1993’s Mega Man 6. It captures the look and feel of those old games almost perfectly, and is a welcome addition to the storied, but troubled, franchise.

[Image Credit: Steam]

7. Wonder Boy in Monster World (Sega Genesis, 1991)

I first discovered this Sega Genesis gem by renting it from Blockbuster Video quite a long time ago. Even though I got stuck really early in the game, I enjoyed my weekend with it enough that I’ve always wanted to revisit it, and finally took the opportunity to do so this year by way of the Sega Vintage Monster World Collection on Xbox 360. It’s an exploratory sidescroller (or Metroidvania, if you will) with some pretty cute art direction and enemy designs. I found myself not wanting to kill the enemies so I could admire their sprites just a little longer, but then they would start to tear me limb from limb, so I did what I had to do. The world map is also well designed, with all of the areas centered around a town and castle that act as a central hub. This comes in handy late in the game when backtracking for treasures and areas that were inaccessible in the early game. It’s well done and feels ahead of its time. A few of the puzzles were a bit too dense for my limited brainpower to overcome without a gentle nudge in the right direction from the internet, but nothing too outlandish. A wide selection of weapons and items at shops scattered around the world keeps your attacks and strategies fresh, and the game is paced well enough that you don’t need to grind too long to buy what you need.

This seemingly innocent game ratchets up the difficulty to a staggering degree late in the adventure. The last couple of enemy strongholds feature tough bad guys like yetis and dragons, as well as insane platforming sequences with no room for error. One of these trials even requires you to face a dragon mini-boss as punishment every time you mess up and fall into the pit below. After screwing up the platforming and fighting that dragon about a dozen times, I was happy to abuse the Xbox 360 collection’s save-anywhere function to save myself some time and frustration. I was also underpowered when battling the final boss. In hindsight, I wish I had taken the time to procure more heart containers to shift the balance of power more into my favor, but I was so close to the end that I elected to brute-force my way to victory, enduring a good ten or fifteen deaths before finally coming out on top.

This is my first foray into the Wonder Boy series, and I had more than enough fun with this game to pique my curiosity about others in the series. Onward!

[Image Credit: MobyGames]

6. Donkey Kong Country 3: Dixie Kong’s Double Trouble (SNES, 1996)

Here’s a controversial hot take sure to have the hysterical internet masses gnashing their teeth: I like DKC 3 more than DKC 2. Whoa. How contentious of me. It has all of the same positive qualities of DKC 2, and even though it might not be technically as good as its predecessor, Dixie Kong’s Double Trouble might be my personal favorite. Its colorful settings, like lakeside piers, snowy hills, and rushing waterfalls are much cheerier and livelier than DKC 2’s dark swamps, deep forests, and K. Rool’s dreary castle. I also like DKC 3’s free-roaming world map, and the fact that you can find secret areas on the world map with a little bit of exploration. It makes the world seem that much more open and expansive. Plus, the bosses are the most interesting yet. Everything else is executed about as well as in DKC 2; it’s the little things that put Dixie Kong’s Double Trouble over the top.

[Image Credit: MobyGames]

5. Double Dragon (NES, 1988)

I understand that most people prefer Double Dragon II: The Revenge due to the original’s lack of 2-player co-op and unusual leveling system, but the first NES Double Dragon has always been my favorite of the two, as well as one of my favorite beat-em-ups (and probably also my first beat-em-up, if I had to guess). If I was able to have a partner in this game, I’d probably accidentally throw them off a bridge, anyway. I prefer the music and aesthetic of the original, and The Revenge has this weird control scheme in which the A and B buttons switch between punch and kick, depending on the direction the player is facing. I never adjusted to that, and even though the original doesn’t have great controls to speak of, either, I feel more comfortable with it, like the endearing clunker that only I know how to drive.

NES Double Dragon is, without question, a different breed of beat-em-up. It requires a lot of patience and strategy and luck, as you have just three lives and no continues to beat the game. Every movement must be deliberate, which complicates matters because you also have a time limit working against you. If you haven’t played it before and want an idea of the difficulty, I’ve been playing Double Dragon off and on for, oh, 28 years now, and I finally beat it for the first time in 2017, overcoming its grueling 6-part final battle gauntlet, including that cheating Machine Gun Willy. Who do you think you are, Willy?! Bringing a machine gun to a fight in which everybody else is punching and kicking?! Come on!

Ahem. Anyway. All that frustration over the years was worth it. Double Dragon is a real challenge, but so much fun every time.

[Image Credit: MobyGames]

4. Batman (NES, 1989)

Ah, another absurdly difficult NES game that I beat for the very first time in 2017! Unlike Double Dragon, I avoided this game for many years out of sheer intimidation—I simply didn’t want to deal with the last level. It’s so hard on its own, full of well-placed enemies and grinding gears, but then it culminates in a brutal 2-part final boss battle with Firebug and The Joker. Firebug is bad enough on his own, but the Joker is one of the toughest final bosses in gaming history. I beat him on the 4th of July, and as far as I was concerned, the fireworks we watched that night weren’t just in celebration of our nation’s independence, but also of me sending that scumbag to dance with the devil in the pale moonlight.

Batman is a great game because, to be successful, you have to think and move like Batman. If you try to steamroll through levels, you’ll never succeed. But, if you approach each situation strategically and methodically, maintaining a slow pace while taking advantage of Batman’s equipment, the environment, and precise controls, the best route around each hazard will often present itself to you. Plus, the music is fantastic, which is to be expected from pretty much any NES game from Sunsoft and composer Naoki Kodaka. Every track has this sort of echo or reverb that makes all of the areas you visit feel immersive and somehow more authentic, as if you’re really there and the music is bouncing off the walls around you. Every song adds to the excitement and the already-engaging atmosphere.

[Image Credit: MobyGames]

3. Streets of Rage (Sega Genesis, 1991)

Being a fan of beat-em-ups and not giving Streets of Rage the time of day until last year was a grievous error. What a fool I’ve been. I can’t believe I waited so long to risk everything, even my life, on the Streets of Rage. I can honestly say I’ve never had so much fun beating up Miami coke dealers. Trust me. I play video games. I’ve beaten up a lot of Miami coke dealers.

Like Double Dragon, this is another console beat-em-up in which you can’t just insert more quarters to keep yourself going. You get a lot of lives and continues, but it doesn’t matter. The game is still hard. It requires patience and strategic wailing on deadbeats if you plan to make it to the end. Lead pipes are helpful, too. Not to mention practice. I gradually worked my way up to being able to finish level four, then five, then six, and so on, finding new ways to defeat clusters of enemies without losing any health, or completing a level with one less life lost along the way. I finally reached the final level, where I got stuck for a while because there’s a boss rush, and you have to fight the crazy twin martial arts girls boss from level four again, and they seem even tougher than before! But then, I consulted the instruction manual and learned how to recover from being thrown by enemies, and it made the fight significantly easier. Knowledge! Oh, and that fire-breathing guy, too! Ugh! What a jerk!

Streets of Rage is also frequently praised for its amazing soundtrack. The whole thing is on YouTube, and you’re going to want to go ahead and listen to it now, and then every day for the rest of your life.

[Image Credit: MobyGames]

2. Super Mario 3D World (Wii U, 2013)

Super Mario 3D World (and its 3DS counterpart, Super Mario 3D Land) are what I always hoped for from a 3D Mario game: a course-based adventure in the traditional Mushroom Kingdom setting, with leaf and fire flower power-ups unrestricted by gates or time limits, bricks and question-mark blocks, plenty of goombas to stomp and pipes to traverse, and so on. As much as I love the Super Mario Galaxy games and how they rewrote the rules of 3D platforming, Super Mario 3D World is the 3D Mario game of my dreams. There are a multitude of beautiful and creative levels to explore, deviously placed secrets to unearth, and the opportunity to play as Toad will always earn a game high marks from me. I also dig the casino motif of Bowser’s castle—as often as Nintendo feeds that brute to us, any fresh take on the King of the Koopas is welcomed and appreciated.

The variety of gameplay here is staggering. The numerous power-ups at your disposal (leafs, fire flowers, boomerangs, cat suits, double cherries, and so on) keep things interesting and give you numerous means of dealing with a given situation. Types of levels range from traditional courses to puzzle levels to speedrun levels and more. The Captain Toad levels are cool enough that he ended up getting his own game. Even the music, which is typically not a strong suit of Mario games, in my opinion, inspired me to put together a YouTube playlist of my favorite tracks from the game. And while I technically “beat the game,” I know there is so much more I’ve yet to uncover. This isn’t my first walk around the block—I know Nintendo loads up its franchise player with plenty of replay value in every outing.

If you missed this game, pray for a Switch re-release. Super Mario 3D World went criminally underplayed, and it deserves your attention.

[Image Credit: MobyGames]

1. Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild (Switch, 2017)

I know that I occasionally get caught up in the idea of beating as many games as possible. I’ve droned on and on about this giant backlog of games and how I need to beat all of them and catch up. My intentions are good, but I think I sometimes lose sight of what games are all about: fun. I forget to have fun, and forget to appreciate what I have, and only beat a game for the sake of moving on to the next one. It defeats the purpose. The game simply becomes another tally in the book, rather than an adventure that I will remember for a long time.

However, occasionally a game will come along that is so mesmerizing and so immersive that I forget about trivial things like backlogs and “beating” games almost entirely. And I just play. I don’t worry about statistics or how many hours I’m putting in, or about the need to finish within a reasonable amount of time so I can move on to the next game. It allows me to re-focus on what’s important: fun. Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild is such a game. I allowed myself to get lost, both in the game and in real life. I saw strange things at the tops of nearby mountains, wondered, “Wow! What is that?” and started climbing. I would set out on a quest, get sidetracked by a shrine in the distance, then spot a curious ruin beyond that, and before I knew it, I managed to sidetrack my way completely to the other side of the map from where I started. I would meticulously plan a daring sneak attack on an enemy camp, only to have it blow up in my face (sometimes literally) and find myself running for my life from a band of shrieking Bokoblins. I would spy a conspicuous spot on my map and race there with my heart pounding in my chest, knowing for sure something of great importance waited for me, only to find a Korok seed or a chest with 10 arrows in it as my prize. I don’t think I’ve ever had so much fun just futzing around in a game before. It was wonderful to take a step back from objective-driven gameplay and just explore and get lost for a while. Breath of the Wild does ultimately have a final destination, but the road to it is long and winding and pretty washed out in a lot of places, so there is plenty of opportunity to lose the road, but find a world of possibilities.

Ultima Online is 20 Years Old, and Heeeeerrrre Come the Memories!

Sun, 01 Oct 2017 00:00:00 -0500

I received Ultima Online unexpectedly as a Christmas present in 1998. My brother recommended it to my parents as something that he thought I would like.

He didn’t know what he was getting me into.

Ultima Online was one of the first massively multiplayer online role-playing games, taking the lore and settings of Richard Garriott’s Ultima series and adapting it to massive online play. At the time, I was a regular online player of Diablo, Quake, and Starcraft. Competitively speaking, I wasn’t very good at any of them, and our not-great-even-for-a-rural-area internet connection further handicapped my play. Nevertheless, online gaming was a new and exciting experience, and I was having a blast playing over the internet with friends and strangers alike, even the ones whose usernames were just mashups of profanities and pot references. Well, except when I would get killed by cheaters in Diablo. That wasn’t fun, but there was only so much you could do about that. It was the frontier days of online gaming, with no checks in place to fight the outlaws, and minimal punishment for those who did not play by the rules.

Ultima Online was a deep dive into an even more robust, immersive online gaming experience: a persistent online world with its own evolving culture and economy. It was exciting, if not a little intimidating, to step into a game world that never stopped, even when you logged out. Adventures were had, business transactions made, towns were overrun by skeletons, and so on, all while your character slept peacefully in the inn as you lived your real life, logged out of the game. Instead of being the core figure in a grand, world-sweeping adventure, I was but one of thousands of players, all inhabiting the same world at the same time, all with their own goals, schedules, skillsets, and more. It was a completely different dynamic from any other RPG I had played.

I spent my first couple of months test-driving the game, trying different skill combinations and exploring the world on different servers, learning the system with no real long-term goals or remote idea of what I was doing. The most jarring aspect of learning how to play UO was discovering how hardcore the game was and how careful you had to be in the wilderness. Safe zones were few and far between, and the punishment for death was severe. You didn’t just lose a pittance of gold when you died. In an instant, whether killed by a monster or another player, you ran the risk of losing everything on your person. More often than not, it was to another player. They often didn’t just kill you, either—they gutted you, looted your body of everything of value, and cut up your corpse and used your body parts to decorate their home. I was amazed and frightened by just how awful some of the other players were. I got killed by other players, robbed by other players, duped by other players, and suffered numerous other forms of abuse. It was infuriating to the point of tears on a number of occasions, but ultimately helpful in the long run, as I learned by experience where player killers (PKs) liked to hang out. I also learned how to avoid robbery and harassment, and otherwise not draw attention to myself.

It was a tough beginning, but I was quickly hardened by the game’s brutal (but fair) rules. Living in such constant danger became more of a thrill than anything else. I learned to be prepared to lose everything at any given moment and how to avoid or quickly recover from such incidents. I knew the world. I knew how to shop, make money, forge alliances of convenience, get from one place to another, and stay out of trouble. I was ready to begin.

I created a new character on the Atlantic shard (server), a mace-and-shield fighter with limited magic ability. I lived in a town called Moonglow. I chopped trees and took up bowcrafting to make money on the side. I fought small animals to build my strength, magic, and fighting skills. In time, I started fighting bigger animals, as well as the skeletons and zombies at the graveyard to hone my growing combat abilities. Also in time, the player killer population around the graveyard got to be too numerous and too dangerous, so I found a new home in the forest city of Yew. There, I casually observed officials and militia officers from the City of Yew, a player guild that took on the responsibility of governing the city and protecting the population. They seemed like good, helpful people, so I enlisted in their militia.

All of a sudden, I found myself hip deep in Atlantic’s robust role-playing community. The City of Yew was but one of many roleplaying guilds across the server, all sharing a loose alliance. Some were orders of knights sworn to protect and uphold the law, some were other city governments, some were academies consisting of young adventurers and their teachers, some were player-run cities, and some were circles of scribes and wizards. There were also evil player guilds at odds with the good player guilds, consisting of the undead, necromancers, rogues, orcs, self-serving aristocrats, and other ne’er do wells. I’d found a community and support group to be a part of, and suddenly the world was much more complex, as I finally broke out of strict skill development mode with the occasional solo wilderness or dungeon excursion thrown in.

The experienced players in the Militia helped me develop my character into a more capable fighter. At their suggestion, I dropped my rudimentary, unreliable magic skills and picked up archery and healing, both of which developed quickly in group combat. I’d never valued ranged combat before (aside from magic), but I was amazed by how useful archery was and how quickly I grew to love it. Thanks to my UO experience, now when I play any RPG, archery is almost always in my skillset. My mace-fighting skill was valuable in that it could wreck armor quicker than other combat skills. It was great in player versus player combat, but not appreciated by my guildmates during sparring sessions.

Yew was a great guild. We found ourselves at the center of a lot of activity, and I’m still impressed by how much we did! We had scheduled patrols, weekly militia meetings, weekly town council meetings, special events and celebrations, special missions and adventures outside of our jurisdiction, attacks on the city that we had to repel, diplomatic engagements, weddings, get-togethers at player-run taverns that kept regular business hours, and so forth. All in all, I probably only spent about a year and a half as an active member of the community, but it feels like we crammed years of experiences into that period of time.

I can’t go into all of the role-playing adventures and memories I have of Ultima Online—it would take a series of blog entries, or maybe even a book (which is something I’ve given some consideration). But I’ll go ahead and throw out a list of some of the highlights and lowlights:

After unintentionally getting the City of Yew involved in a feud with the Order of the Ebon Skull, I tried to sacrifice myself to the Order in exchange for them leaving Yew alone. They turned me into a ghoul, then proceeded to continue their beef with Yew. A rescue and restoration effort was mounted, and I was rescued and restored, but the fight between Yew and the Order continued for basically the rest of the time I was an active player. (It wasn’t really my fault. The feud was inevitable. It was one event in a sequence of many that led to war.) It was a huge story with many twists and turns that started pretty innocently, when I approached OES with this deal. I was not expecting what it would eventually develop into.
Player killers frequently attacked a player-run tavern called The Serpent’s Cross. One time, a mage PK with a pet dragon attacked the tavern. I was on the patio with my bow in hand. One of the mage’s area-of-effect spells inadvertently hit me, and my character auto-retaliated and killed him with one arrow. It was the greatest PvP accomplishment of my life, and it was totally by accident!
There was another conflict at The Serpent’s Cross (this time within the confines of roleplaying) that saw one enemy character single-handedly take on and defeat no less than four Yew Militia members. I think I was the highest-ranked officer there. I was humiliated, and I don’t think my fellow officers were particularly happy with me or how I handled the situation. I was not as prepared for combat as I thought.
I got my brother-in-law, Jim, into the UO action as part of the City of Yew. We shared one account—he would play on weekends, and I would play weeknights. He started as a militia officer like me, but later found himself the elected mayor of Yew, which was pretty cool!
One time, in the middle of a desert, I found myself being pursued by four player killers. In a moment of brilliant panic, I turned around and ran toward them, splitting their ranks and apparently stunning them with my stupidity. I used this opportunity to teleport to safety before they could recover and grind me into the sand.
An orc army invaded Yew as part of a game-wide event, and they were led by a superhuman in dark armor. He had a ton of hitpoints, and I found myself on the front line fighting this guy, along with seven or eight other people. As a mace-fighter, I was putting a beating on his armor, and he had so much health that I managed to break all of his armor before he died. By the end of the fight, the once-imposing superhuman in the dark armor was reduced to fighting in his underpants.
A family of snooty nobles moved into Yew, claiming the city was on their ancient homeland and that the city (and our fealty) belonged to them. They talked a big game, but were ultimately unsuccessful in their bid to take over the town. They were also so eager to wage war with Yew that they would recruit anybody to join them, including one of my alternate characters, which I then used to spy on them.

Ultima Online was an amazing experience, but eventually all good things must come to an end. While the adventure still rages on today, I left near the end of 2001. I was a senior in high school, had access to a vehicle, and my interests were definitely shifting from online gaming to things like hanging out, late night trips to Denny’s, and women. The roleplaying community was also not without its share of real life drama. I know that Jim and I both found ourselves, at times, succumbing to gossip and rumor. All it took was one person to tell me that some members of another guild had a problem with how the City of Yew was handling things, and just like that, I was ready to tear the system down from the inside out. I think that, over time, the most active roleplayers on the server became victims of a misconception that they were constantly at the center of the roleplaying narrative and pulling the strings behind the scenes to keep themselves in that position. The less active players felt left out and manipulated (myself included, at times). In hindsight, it was wrong to feel that way, and it made perfect sense that the most active players be the most involved, as they were actually putting in the hours necessary to keep the story rolling. But, I let myself be corrupted by the negativity surrounding the community, and eventually that and the huge time commitment played a major part in Jim and me leaving the game. I think we just got tired. I was also still young, just a teenager, so I myself may have perpetrated all kinds of drama without even being cognizant of it. I hope not. I feel stupid enough for handling things the way I did. At least I learned a lot of good lessons along the way.

My biggest regret is not maintaining the friendships I developed playing the game. I have never been good at this sort of thing. Much in the same way, I don’t maintain very good contact with many old friends and former co-workers. That’s a lesson I’m still learning.

My Ultima Online experience was some good and some bad, but way more good than bad. I don’t know that the community I was a part of in UO will ever be duplicated. I met a lot of good people playing that game, and no amount of skill development or phat loot could bring what they brought to the experience. I hope people play it forever. I still get the itch once a year or so, but I’m afraid to go back. I just can’t make the time commitment necessary to duplicate the experience I had years ago. So I’ll leave it as is: a collection of amazing memories with amazing people.

Congratulations, Ultima Online, on being one of the best games ever.

My Top 10 Games of “2016”

Fri, 03 Feb 2017 00:00:00 -0600

Prepare yourselves for the sorriest “top 10 games of 2016” you’ll ever see, for two important reasons:

We’re well into 2017. Nobody cares about 2016 anymore.
None of the games on this list were actually released in the year 2016.

You see, I love video games, but I’m frugal (or cheap, depending on how polite you’re feelin’ today) and therefore typically a couple of years behind on tech. I almost never play current games. I remember an old PvP comic in which Cole is just getting around to buying Baldur’s Gate 2 quite some time after its release, and Brent and Francis make fun of him for being an old man. That’s me. That’s my life! But it’s okay. 2016 was a good year of gaming for me. I definitely didn’t get to play as much as I would have liked, but I had a good time when I had the chance.

The only caveats for games appearing on this list are that I either beat them or played the majority of them in the year 2016. So let’s get started.

Honorable Mention: Castlevania 2: Simon’s Quest (NES, 1988)

Simon’s Quest is preceded by its internet reputation as a confusing, obtuse misadventure, full of poorly translated hints and townspeople who lie to your face. My advice? Get yourself a walkthrough and shine the Lens of Truth on all those bad hints, because if you can get past them, Simon’s Quest is a great game. It’s not my favorite game. It may not even be my favorite Castlevania game. But Simon’s Quest has a special place in my heart for a number of reasons. It was my first Castlevania game. It was also the first game I really dove into when we first got the internet and I was introduced to emulation. I played it over and over, learning all of its secrets and nuances, and consulted countless guides and walkthroughs on how different people approached it. It is a game I can pick up at any time, any place, in any mood, and sit down and enjoy and finish in an hour. I play it at least once a year, and I never get tired of it. I love taking on Dracula’s legions of skeletons. It is strangely therapeutic, more so than in any other Castlevania game. The game feeds you skeletons to whip like Grandma feeds you pies to eat, and who am I to say no to either? The music is good, too, and the exploration aspect of the game puts it over the top.

10. AntharioN (PC, 2015)

This was a mostly fun old school, isometric RPG in which your party of four customizable adventurers must dredge up the best sword in the game from a dungeon tucked away in some icy mountains to bring down the ultimate evil. The character customization, strategic combat, and dungeon-crawling elements are great, but the story left much to be desired, complete with a bunch of half-baked moral choices that didn’t seem to have any consequences one way or the other. The game ended with practically no fanfare or any indication that I was actually done. I guess when you do things right, people won’t be sure you’ve done anything at all. I did have a lot of fun playing it at first, but AntharioN ultimately proved to be a bit too long, a bit too repetitive, and the underwhelming ending meant a lot of hours spent with minimal payoff. I also had to play on easy mode because I was getting wrecked by basic enemies like crabs and seagulls on normal difficulty well into the early-midgame. When four non-level-1 adventurers with weapons, armor, and magic spells can’t beat four seagulls, there may be a balance issue.

9. Ducktales Remastered (PC, 2013)

The original Ducktales game made by Capcom for the NES in 1989 is already a classic, but playing Wayforward’s remake makes the experience almost like watching an episode of the Ducktales cartoon. Yeah, yeah, some of the jokes fall flat and some of the cutscenes drag on a little too long, but the superb voice-acting supplied by the original cast of the cartoon is a delight, particularly for fans who grew up with it. Plus, the cutscenes are skippable, so if you don’t like them, don’t watch them! Of course, the experience isn’t as pure as the original—remakes always add new levels and expand upon existing ones, but the love for the original is evident, and the updates don’t hamper the enjoyment of the remastered version. And yes, you can finally fulfill your childhood dream of swimming in the money bin.

8. New Super Mario Bros. 2 (3DS, 2012)

This is the turning point in the Super Mario Bros. series in which Mario grows tired of rescuing Princess Peach and decides to get rich instead. I wrote about this game early last year, when I mentioned that I was surprised by how well New Super Mario Bros. 2 and its emphasis on coin-collecting held my attention. The coins are so meticulously and purposefully placed that it just feels wrong to leave any of them behind. In other Mario games, the primary purpose of collecting coins is to earn extra lives, but I’ve gotten good enough at Mario games that lives are rarely an issue. New Super Mario Bros. 2 has so many enticing coins that I built up hundreds of lives, yet I couldn’t stop collecting more and more coins. Playing the game was not only fun and relaxing, but also became an intriguing psychological study on how much of a risk I was willing to take for just a few more coins. A fresh, original take on the typical Mario formula.

7. Fallout 3 (Xbox 360, 2008)

I wrote a brief blog about this last year, too, and about how I generally roleplay myself in games like this, but I think it worked out pretty well in Fallout 3, so I mustn’t be a complete waste of space in real life then, either, right?! As the game went on, I got a lot less thorough in my exploration, sticking more and more to my quests, rather than investigating every building or monument that turned up on the horizon. But, I think that’s a natural progression—the stronger and better-equipped I got, the less I needed to kill all the rats in every abandoned store and subway tunnel and sell drugs to wandering merchants. Trust me; I still found plenty of things to do. The overly long, gruesome deaths that accompany the V.A.T.S. combat system got awfully tedious after a while (because I’m not a MAN and can’t stand blood and guts haha lol k thx byeee), but other than that, I enjoyed Fallout 3 and my trek through the Capital Wasteland, especially when I got strong enough that I didn’t have to run like a coward from Super Mutants and Mirelurks. I felt pretty bad about some of the moral choices I made, even though I always tried to do the right thing instead of doing the easy thing, but I think the world turned out a lot better as a result.

6. Rex Rocket (PC, 2014)

Rex Rocket is a fast-paced exploratory sidescroller aboard a spaceship overtaken by slime monsters and an artificial intelligence gone mad. The game relies heavily on jumping and platforming and finding key new abilities to progress, falling somewhere between Metroid and Mega Man as far as gameplay goes. I’d heard reports of absurd levels of difficulty that I dismissed when I started playing. That was until I got about two-thirds of the way through the game, when things went completely insane. How wrong I was. I started losing more lives in two minutes towards the end of the game than I did in the entire first half. Perfection of wall-jumping, double-jumping, teleporting, and a bevy of other movement-based abilities are essential to make it through the ship’s maze of spikes, slime pits, laser traps, and more. Likewise, defeating the bosses demands mastering pattern memorization—there is no powering through fights with the right weapons here, like you can get away with in Mega Man. It’s a tough game, but fair, and a lot of fun.

5. Soul Blazer (SNES, 1992)

This is the first installment of what’s called the “Heaven and Earth” trilogy, made up of three Super NES games developed by Quintet: Soul Blazer, Illusion of Gaia, and Terranigma. Amanda and I have the first two games, but Terranigma was never released in the U.S. The Heaven and Earth trilogy is somewhat obscure; I didn’t realize all these games were connected until sometime in the last few years when either Retronauts or my friend Jon told me about them, and I wasn’t even aware of the existence of Soul Blazer until I met Amanda, despite its reputation as one of the best action RPGs on the Super Nintendo. I didn’t get around to actually playing it until last year, even though Amanda insisted for years that I make time to do so. Too many games!

Now that the history lesson is out of the way, I’ll give it to you straight: this is a really cool overhead action RPG. You assume the role of a herald of God, who descends to Earth to restore a world decimated by an evil being called Deathtoll. As you defeat monsters, villages wiped out by Deathtoll rebuild themselves, and are repopulated as you free the souls of the citizens. The villagers then provide you with hints and items that help you get through the rest of the game. You go around liberating an entire empire from Deathtoll and go on to face the big guy, himself. There’s lots of equipment and magic to utilize, and some secrets, too! There’s a lot of Zelda influence in the gameplay, as well as some from Gauntlet, since the monsters spawn from generators scattered throughout the dungeons.

4. Star Trek: 25th Anniversary (PC, 1991)

It’s a point-and-click adventure game structured like a season of Star Trek, complete with voice-acting from the entire original cast! Even Chekhov! Amanda and I like to tag-team these adventure games, but even together, we needed a lot of help from the clue book to get through this one. It’s a fun game, and well structured, but some of the puzzles are too nuts for our feeble brains. However, in our defense, there are some pixel-perfect clicks that we just missed, too, so give us a break. Also keep in mind, this is an adventure game from the hardcore era, meaning that if you miss something early in a mission, you can find yourself in a no-win scenario and have to go back to the beginning.

So, yeah, it’s hard, but so much fun. It really captures the spirit of original Star Trek, too. Harry Mudd makes an appearance, the Klingons are always hanging out in the periphery ready to cause trouble, and you even meet the Aztec god Quetzalcoatl! We didn’t technically finish the game, though—the final space battle is too difficult! The Enterprise must square off against a fake Enterprise, along with two Elasi Pirate ships. (The Elasi Pirates are the well equipped, overarching villains of the game, causing trouble across the quadrant.) Unless you can wage a Kirk-esque fight and wipe out the fake Enterprise before the two Elasi ships join in, there’s not much hope of winning, and I was too bad at the clumsy space combat to ever pull it off. A great game, save for the last impossible battle.

3. Castle in the Darkness (PC, 2015)

Castle in the Darkness is Castlevania 2’s younger, shorter, fatter, less forgiving brother that uses a sword instead of a whip. There’s influence from plenty of other games from that era, including Zelda 2 and Faxanadu, but some of the locations and tilesets appear to be heavily inspired by Simon’s Quest, which is great. The variety of weapons, armor, and magic offer a surprising amount of customization, and some of the stuff you get early in the game maintains its usefulness throughout, which is always a nice touch—I like items to stay useful, rather than forgotten five minutes after acquiring them. The game isn’t perfect, though; it could stand to have an automap and less rooms full of spikes. I know it’s trying to be retro and hardcore, but I only have so much time to play games, and a map (and fewer stretches of five or six consecutive rooms full of spikes between save points) would have made my backtracking a lot easier. Still, it was great fun, it scratched the Metroidvania itch, the boss battles and platforming offer an inspired but fair challenge, and the soundtrack rocks.

2. Legend of Zelda: Majora’s Mask (Nintendo 64, 2000)

I have a love-hate relationship with Nintendo 64 games in that they are generally great, but I can’t control them. Luckily, I got to play Majora’s Mask on the Gamecube Zelda Collector’s Edition disc, which surely saved the life of at least one Nintendo 64 controller.

I liked Majora’s Mask a lot because of its attention to detail. Everybody in this game keeps a schedule. And not only that, if they need to be at a certain place at a certain time, they actually walk there. Nintendo could have taken a shortcut and just used some trigger to make them automatically appear at the new location at the designated time, but no. You can follow them around, and they’ll go about their day just like you would. It’s extraordinary!

It took me some time to fully grasp how the time travel aspect of Majora’s Mask works, and how everything other than the important items in your inventory resets if you go back to the dawn of the first day. I missed some item in the swamp my first time through, and I was like, “Oh, no big deal, I can just go back and get it really quick.” Amanda was quick to point out, “No, it’s the start of the first day. You’d have to beat the boss again to do that.” WHAT. It wasn’t difficult to understand, but it was tough to comprehend and remember what I had and hadn’t done, and how that would or would not impact the next 3-day cycle.

There’s an overwhelming sense of hopelessness around everything in this game. The world ends in three days, and you can’t do everything you need to in those three days to save it. Your only chance to save the world is to re-live those same three days over and over again, and watch it come to a horrifying end again and again, only to make small gains here and there. If you do it enough times, you can finally set enough things right to see it teeter on the brink of destruction one last time, and then bring it all together and finally save it. It’s hopeless at first, but it’s really beautiful at the same time because, since no individual act in Majora’s Mask can save the world, you have to do a lot of little things and help a lot of people, and start a chain reaction, and in time, all of those good little deeds add up to something that benefits everybody. It’s a lot of hard work, but it’s worth it! I feel like there’s some sort of allegory here. Nah, surely not.

Anyway, it’s very different from any other Zelda game that I’ve played, but it also had a tremendous and delightful emotional impact on me that I wasn’t expecting. I really cared.

The Water Temple in Majora’s Mask sucks a lot more than the Water Temple in Ocarina of Time, though.

1. Shovel Knight (PC, 2014)

By name alone, it sounds like the dumbest thing in the world: a knight with a shovel. In reality, it is one of the best retro-inspired games available today, if not the best. Shovel Knight seamlessly pairs the retro aesthetic with modern game mechanics. Many developers will make a retro game and purposely try to make it “just like” old games, complete with no automap, no saving, or intentionally cheap level design or enemy placement, all in the spirit of making it as hard as the NES games from your childhood. That’s fine, and I’m sure there’s an audience for it, but it’s not my thing anymore. Like I said about Castle in the Darkness, I only have so much time to play games, and while I do want a challenge, I’m more interested in a fun gameplay experience than artificial padding or handicaps that makes the game harder than it really should be. (Although, if you want a truly hardcore challenge, I recommend Shovel Knight in New Game Plus mode. Yikes.)

Shovel Knight is sidescrolling bliss. It looks and plays like a late-era NES game, but has none of the unwarranted frustration. It draws inspiration from the right places (Mega Man, Ducktales, Super Mario Bros. 3, etc.) and incorporates the theme of each level into the platforming challenges about as well as I’ve ever seen. The best example I can think of is in Propeller Knight’s stage, in which there are sequences where the wind blows in different directions, and you have to position yourself in the right places at the right times to both advance through the level and avoid being blown off of it. It’s hard, but the game eases you into the most challenging parts of each level, teaching you along the way. I died a lot, but each death left me with the thought of, “Oh, I see what I did wrong here,” as opposed to, “I can’t do this.” You get lots of clever subweapons like a throwing anchor, for example, as opposed to the more traditional throwing axe, or the mobile gear, which helps you traverse spikes, but can also be used to roll over enemies. You can buy different sets of armor, each with its own benefit and drawback, such as the Conjurer’s Coat, which offers less protection, but increases your magic power. The enemies are all kind of silly (they call themselves the Order of No Quarter, which is equally absurd and intimidating), but mustn’t be taken lightly. And then, of course, there’s your main weapon, the shovel, which is far more versatile than you’d ever expect.

It’s great. I don’t know what else to say about it. 10 shovels out of 10. It gets bonus points for a soundtrack worth buying on its own (I did), a great sense of humor, and because I first played it when I was sick with strep throat and it made me feel a lot better on an otherwise glum day.

Life Lessons From Frogger

Wed, 03 Aug 2016 00:00:00 -0500

Thanks to the Atari 2600, I learned at a very early age that Frogger is synonymous with repetitive torture and misery. Trying to get those poor frogs across both a busy street and a snake-ridden, alligator-infested river was a lesson in futility. Sure, I might get two, or even three frogs home, but their buddies wouldn’t be so fortunate. Ten to fifteen seconds later, my remaining frogs lay as smashed, twitching skids on the highway, or shriveling in watery graves. (Or in the belly of a snake or alligator, but usually the water was more than enough.) How my older sister Amy had gotten so good at this game was beyond my 4-year-old comprehension, but to the casual observer, a vast discrepancy in our bedtimes and motor skills was obviously at play.

The good news, however, is that I learned a number of useful life lessons from Frogger. If you’ve ever watched the behavior of pedestrians, you can tell which ones have played Frogger and which ones have not. For instance, I, as a Frogger player, learned that stepping into a busy street won’t cause traffic to stop, so I take great care to pick my spots and carefully time my street-crossing in order to avoid an embarrassing trip to the hospital or afterlife. This is more than I can say for most alleged pedestrians I see out and about every day, who obviously haven’t played Frogger and just wander aimlessly into traffic, expecting me (and, God willing, the seventeen vehicles behind me) to stop everything and wait as they meander across five lanes of traffic, texting along the way.

Secondly, I learned that touching water will kill you, which is why I don’t swim or bathe. Let’s not talk about that.

My graphically challenged introduction to Frogger: the Atari 2600 version.

In any case, Frogger and its addictive, arcade quarter-munching ilk made me a sucker for repetitive torture and misery at a young age, and the genre is still one of my favorites to this day. As such, it shouldn’t come as a surprise that Frogger is a proud part of my XBox Live Arcade library. This version of Frogger includes an option to use updated graphics (and strangely does away with the classic Frogger melody, replacing it with some new, badly remixed songs that really irritate my wife anytime she hears them), as well as a couple of additional play modes, including 2-player co-op, in which two players each play their own individual games of Frogger, but contribute to a single, shared high score. My brother Craig and I took to playing co-op Frogger on a weekly basis to try to get an achievement for a combined co-op score of 30,000. To put that score in perspective (and to give you an idea of how terrible we are), the Frogger world record is currently held by a guy named Michael Smith, with a score of 970,440 points. Meanwhile, us clowns worked for months to scrape together a combined score of 30,000 points. Leave us alone–it’s a hard game!

If you’ve never played Frogger, it is (in theory) a simple task–get five frogs across the highway and the river to their homes, advance to the next level, and repeat. Along the way, the frogs must avoid hazards such as traffic, water, snakes, alligators, and the ever-infuriating river otter, while navigating floating logs and turtles to cross the river and get home, hopefully with a bonus point-laden fly or lady frog in tow.

Arcade Frogger, where logs don’t look like boards and turtles don’t look like lily pads.

As I said, a simple task in theory. In practice, however, Frogger is an incredible test of patience, focus, and performance under pressure. Frogger would probably be considered a primitive game by today’s standards, but there’s a reason why the majority of players (including me 98 percent of the time) can’t get past the fifth level (if that). Here’s a rundown of all of the obstacles and timing scenarios that assault the human mind during a game of Frogger:

Traffic: The street is five lanes wide, and the direction of traffic in each lane alternates from left to right. As the difficulty rises, frogs will often have to enter a lane and move with traffic to get to an opening in the next lane, so not only do the frogs have to worry about not hopping into the path of vehicles in the next lane, they also have to avoid being hit by the car in front of or behind them in the current lane. That’s a lot of information to process on the move.

Turtles and Logs: Turtles (or they might be lily pads, honestly–I’m not sure) float in the river and will let you jump on their backs. However, sometimes the turtles sink for a few moments, so you have to time your jumps to make sure you’re not jumping on to sinking turtles. Meanwhile, logs of varying lengths float up and down stream at various speeds. As you progress, the number of logs in the river dwindles, so timing becomes more important in getting the frogs home. The logs and turtles will also suck you off the sides of the screen if you’re not fast enough.

Animal Adversaries: Gators, snakes, and river otters are all waiting for a free meal. They are not usually dangerous by themselves, but combined with trying to time jumps and staying out of the way of other hazards, the animals can become a big deal.

Getting Frogs into their Homes: This is easily the most difficult part of the game for me. When getting the frogs into their holes, you can’t let them touch the sides of the holes, or they’ll die. Your timing must be perfect. It sounds like this wouldn’t be a big deal, but I bet two-thirds of my deaths come from getting in a hurry and messing up that last jump into the hole.

There’s a Time Limit: You know, because you weren’t under enough pressure already.

So, take all of that into account and try to play Frogger well. Try, fail, and die. Then try again! Repeat until malnourished and full of rage, and perhaps you’ll have made it to the fifth level. Perhaps. If not, keep trying. Perhaps you’ll get reasonably good at the game after a while, but we can’t all be George Costanza. Never fear–no matter how bad you might be at the game, you’ll probably still have fun, and you’ll find it surprisingly difficult to pull yourself away. Especially recommended for sociopaths everywhere!

The First Video Game I Bought

Sat, 06 Feb 2016 00:00:00 -0600

This week’s USgamer community question asks readers the first game they ever bought. I can answer that question; I remember the story well.

I was seven years old and recently discovered the concept of saving money. Previously, money was spent immediately after it was received on essentials like Ninja Turtle action figures or Super Mario Bros. activity books. However, after the Nintendo Entertainment System came into my life, I learned that video games were A) expensive, and 2) required saving money in order to purchase. We had an Atari 2600 before we had a Nintendo, but buying my own Atari 2600 games had never been desirable. In fact, I don’t even know if it ever occurred to me that I could buy Atari games. But once the NES came along, I was hooked. I had to have more, and that meant spending Christmas and birthday money on an NES game.

I knew exactly what I wanted. In those days, unless a game was lucky enough to receive coverage in Nintendo Power, the only information I had on it was based either on an advertisement, or a Sears catalog listing of the game that featured box art, a single tiny screenshot, and a vague description of the plot. And if there was one piece of box art, one single tiny screenshot, and one vague plot description that appealed to me most, they belonged to Dynowarz: Destruction of Spondylus.

Cool, right? Right?!

I don’t really know the intricate plot details behind Dynowarz, but the important thing was that it was about a guy piloting a robotic dinosaur in outer space against other robotic dinosaurs. More importantly, it also graphically resembled the Godzilla Nintendo game, which I loved and we’d rented at least twice by then. I would have preferred to buy Godzilla if you could find it for purchase anywhere, so Dynowarz was the next best thing. But honestly, robotic dinosaurs fighting in space should have been the greatest game ever made, right? Also, it was spelled with a Y and a Z, so I knew it had to be good.

My family made an outing to West Park Mall, where a KB Toys and its inventory of Nintendo games awaited, including Dynowarz! I saved my money, and I was going to buy it! No force on the planet would stop me. Not even my brother, who pleaded with me to buy Snake’s Revenge instead and knew WAY more about video games than I did, could convince me otherwise. Soon enough, I made my first video game purchase ever. Dynowarz was in hand. The time had come for hours upon hours of robot dinosaur adventure. In space.

Cool, right? Right?!

I finished the game that weekend. I was seven. I was seven years old and I finished the game in one weekend?! And that was sharing Nintendo time with my brother, who had just received WWF Wrestlemania for his birthday. I remember being impressed with the variety of weapons in the game, and even at a young age, I must have somehow managed to determine the best weapon for every possible scenario and exploit it, like a very young X-wing pilot.

Unfortunately, Dynowarz did not have lasting appeal. I probably played it a handful of additional times, and traded it to a classmate for the Nintendo adaptation of Jaws a couple of years later. Jaws wasn’t a good game, either; I obviously did not make good business decisions when I was young. I’m also the guy who sold Metroid to another kid in fifth or sixth grade because I was scared of it. Today, Metroid is one of my favorite games.

But that’s a story for another day.